View Full Version : Eating Disorder Recovery & Support
zxcire
11-19-2007, 07:43 PM
Hey guys no offense but I see this whole thing turning into a "poor fat me" and weight-watching and body bashing thread. It's pretty triggering, and this has been helpful in the past but I think I'm gonna be stayin' out.
I mean...yeah...the whole "I feel huge today" thing is expected, yeah, you have an eating disorder, but instead of hopping in and posting I FEEL LIKE A FAT COW WHEN I EAT and then leaving the thread, wouldn't it be more helpful to maybe discuss things to do to eradicate/or lessen those feelings? I don't like checking this and seeing 5 people in a row write about feeling morbidly obese, with no support there other than *ME TOO*
whatever it's just me.
PookaShell
11-19-2007, 07:50 PM
I understand what you are saying. We do need to concentrate on health and not our bad body image.
Does anyone have any ideas for healthy meals that can add up to a healthy 5-6 small meals a day meal plan?
mollyzmoon
11-19-2007, 07:52 PM
No, you're right zx. Commiseration only goes so far. It's no solution. I am going to throw out my fucking scale, and my tape measure. And no more mirrors at work (ie- check for stuff on my face, brush my hair, and move on).
I think it's important to be reminded when progress halts. Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I quit my internet addiction too. It doesn't seem to help either.
Pooka- I think staying away from trans fats, processed food, and redundant amounts of sugar all help me stay on an even keel. I also find that dairy makes me eat badly for whatever reason. When I plan meals, I try to include fruit, vegetables, as well as protein. I eat too many carbs without a lot of nutrition, unless I'm mindful. Eating a varied amount of veggies/ fruit will give you the right vitamins, and will give you self-confidence if you're like me (I feel redeemed if I eat healthy, and that allows me to continue eating without the binging blackhole).
PookaShell
11-19-2007, 07:56 PM
I had a good friend set parental controls on my computer for now, blocking any websites that I might find myself on that can be very triggering. Calorie counters, diet tricks, etc. I had her set the password to something I wouldn't guess. I cant stop my internet addiction but I can try to help prevent triggers on it if I can.
jaizaine
12-14-2007, 12:28 AM
Just checking up on how everyone is doing?
Mine has been under control mostly due to my having surgery and having no appetite afterwards anyway.
No one has posted in a while so i was just checking in to see if everyone is ok.
PookaShell
12-14-2007, 01:27 AM
:( Not amazing.
ColetteCalahan
12-14-2007, 02:39 AM
Jaizaine, glad to hear you're doing well, esp. after the surgery (did i mention you look great!!) I'm not doing amazing either.... at ALL... i've been super-stressed about school, MONEY, insurance and a ton of other things... it's not making me very healthy. i'm really concerned that pulling myself out of this latest downturn won't be easy... and i was doing so well for a bit!! thanks for reviving this- i was wondering the same thing, too, but i wanted to give it a little bit of time before i posted w/ a new name in old threads...
*hugs to everyone*
jaizaine
12-15-2007, 01:06 AM
^^
thanks sweetie. im sorry to hear you girls are not doing very well. this time of year can be really difficult for us. esp trying to act normal at parties where there is lots of fattening foods around.
I am so surprised that I am not replapsing after the surgery coz I am not allowed to the gym for 6 weeks. However the pain meds took away my appetite. Some days I could not eat anything so now Im focused on just getting well.
I hope everyone is ok and also if anyone has anything to personal to post feel free to PM me. Since im doing well right now I hope I can help others.
flickad
12-15-2007, 03:12 AM
Yeah, not so great for me (my recent weight gain triggered something of a mini-relapse, I think), but it could also be worse, if you know what I mean. Though I'm a long way from being anything like ED-free these days, I still feel like I control it rather than the other way around. Hopefully it'll stay that way.
jaizaine
12-15-2007, 04:56 AM
^^
that still sounds good to me. I dont think I will ever consider myself ED free. Maybe we just have to control it rather than try to overcome it altogether. Kind of like substance abuse - an alcoholic is always an alcoholic but they remain sober.
mollyzmoon
12-15-2007, 11:01 AM
I'm doing better. What's worked for me is forcing myself to dance almost everyday. I can't starve when I'm working so much, or else I get dizzy. And I can't binge because it would make me too sick to work. It's basically been mind-numbing routine.
I think my new horse helps too. Distraction. And away from all the people I used to worry about. My horse doesn't care how much I weigh, so long as I'm not obese. Plus something about seeing him being still so sickly thin, it reminds me of nutrition and strength. If I want him to be a healthy weight, I should want the same for myself.
zxcire
12-15-2007, 11:06 AM
I noticed myself getting skinnier again...one day on stage I glanced at myself in the mirror and thought, oh crap...it's amazing how I can do this--tell myself I'm doing great and totally not notice that I'm slipping.
Bones. They trigger me. I noticed some on me that day. So I've been eating more... it's still hard for me to eat enough to maintain weight. So frustrating. I think I'm doing so good and then I realize I'm lying to myself.
Oh well at least I'm noticing it now and taking action before I get too deep into the cycle.
Best of luck to all. You are all strong women.
:)
mollyzmoon
12-15-2007, 04:51 PM
^^That's good you can notice and catch yourself. I think that's a sign of real commitment to getting better.
I just had a question- does anyone else find that they eat the same things at the same time day after day? I am eating much more regularly than before, which breaks the sickness cycle, and helps my IBS to boot...But I realized that I eat basically the same thing for breakfast and lunch everyday. Rituals and routines help me get better habits though. But I don't want to get too caught up that it becomes a sort of OCD thing. Is this a bad thing, or is it a common thing? I know it limits nutritional value, but just for now it's the lesser of two evils, I would hope.
flickad
12-15-2007, 11:09 PM
^^
that still sounds good to me. I dont think I will ever consider myself ED free. Maybe we just have to control it rather than try to overcome it altogether. Kind of like substance abuse - an alcoholic is always an alcoholic but they remain sober.
I wouldn't consider myself completely sober, if we're using the alcoholic analogy, but nor am I drunk. I'm skating on thin ice in some respects, but I'm also being careful and mindful and haven't really gone too far overboard. I need to keep up that care, since I do think I'm in a place from which I could easily go downhill if I don't stay watchful.
aussiebelle
12-16-2007, 08:17 AM
I wouldn't consider myself completely sober, if we're using the alcoholic analogy, but nor am I drunk. I'm skating on thin ice in some respects, but I'm also being careful and mindful and haven't really gone too far overboard. I need to keep up that care, since I do think I'm in a place from which I could easily go downhill if I don't stay watchful.
I think the hard thing with having an ED is that we have to eat food, it just has to be done healthily like not bingeing and not fasting. I am definitely not saying that giving up something like alcohol completely is easy in any respect (because it definitely is NOT), I'm just saying that when you have a problem with something like food that is essential for a healthy lifestyle, I feel it is very, very hard sometimes to stop fasting and actually eat something and then not to binge on it.
Mm I think I'm just rambling blah, blah, blah... just my thoughts anyway
zxcire
12-16-2007, 09:37 AM
I think the hard thing with having an ED is that we have to eat food, it just has to be done healthily like not bingeing and not fasting. I am definitely not saying that giving up something like alcohol completely is easy in any respect (because it definitely is NOT), I'm just saying that when you have a problem with something like food that is essential for a healthy lifestyle, I feel it is very, very hard sometimes to stop fasting and actually eat something and then not to binge on it.
Mm I think I'm just rambling blah, blah, blah... just my thoughts anyway
And they're good thoughts. As a recovering alcoholic and a recovering bulimic, I think you're absolutely right.
I've been sober over 3 years. All I have to do is not pick up a drink. No, it's not easy, but I'm not faced with a drink 3 times a day and telling myself to be careful with it; whereas with my ED, I have 3 or more chances to fuck it up EVERY DAY---the temptation is always nearer and easier to fall into.
I just feel like I have to be feeding one compulsion or another at all times. It was picking my face recently looking for pimples, and now that I'm on bc that has cleared up my complexion, it's biting my finger and toe nails *i know, ew* and the skin around my nails until I bleed.
aussiebelle
12-16-2007, 10:08 AM
^ I feel where you are coming from zxcire and admire your strength for coming through two very controlling things in your life.
What you said also sounds similar to me. I think I have a compulsive personality because with many things in my life; dieting, food, exercise, biting my lip/tongue etc, I always seem to have something that I'm addicted to and it is scary. When I think about it, I feel it is a control and perfection thing for me. Like I always want to be in total control and be the best at it even if it is self destructive.
I also find that because food is an everyday thing, I spend hours thinking and planning meals in my head which makes me obsessed.
I've been hesitant posting on this thread for awhile now but I'm not going through a good patch atm with moving house and things being uncertain in my life, but it really feels good to get my thoughts out.
zxcire
12-21-2007, 08:37 AM
I guess I lied. I'm relapsing.
I'm not eating. The problem is that it feels like a drug, restricting does.
I'm writing this to hold myself accountable because this can't go on. I'll be fucked if I let this happen again. Off to the store to buy some Ensure, and confess to the husband.
Doh.
Circe
12-29-2007, 06:36 AM
ETA: Nevermind. I wouldn't want to trigger anyone/bring negativity into the thread.
TigersMilk
12-29-2007, 09:12 AM
Your dentist will be able to tell you more about that. Hope you can stay in your positive eating state.
Circe
12-29-2007, 09:56 AM
Well, obviously a dentist is the only person to correctly assess this. I wasn't asking for medical advice really, just wondering if anyone experiences this. Given that it's the ED thread.
ETA: But I guess it's not really appropriate, so I edited my prior post.
TigersMilk
12-29-2007, 02:24 PM
Sorry I didn't mean any harm in my post. I can read the title of the thread. I just don't want others to suffer in such a way that causes harm to their bodies.
Also, just because I don't post my food issues doesn't mean I don't have them. I just choose not to share them with others openly in this thread. I'm simply just not ready. I all around support others trying to get better and overcome their ED's.
britt244
01-01-2008, 05:34 PM
i rolled last night and feel very skinny today. i need to eat because 1, i'll feel better, and 2, duh i just need to eat. but i dont want to because i feel so skinny. man, i'm never happy. one minute i feel fat, but then when i feel skinny im not happy either because i'm sure that feeling won't last.
TigersMilk
01-03-2008, 02:27 PM
What do you do when you binge and you want it out? I don't really want to resort back to old bad habits. I feel guilty I ate the food.
ColetteCalahan
01-03-2008, 09:11 PM
^ damn. i only know one answer to that question and it's definitely the wrong answer. i suppose digest and exercise?? don't starve yourself to overcompensate? :-\ sorry?!
ColetteCalahan
01-19-2008, 02:11 PM
wow... i have a major confession... i dunno where else to put it, or if anyone else can empathize/relate... lately, my e.d. has been so bad that i've been using the only other thing i know to get away from it... i.e. sex. now, this would be fine if i were actually IN a relationship, but i'm not- i'm ridiculously single and the drive to find 'something/someone' to do for the night to NOT binge/purge is extremely high... i just don't want anyone to get hurt. i'm a freakin' wall... it's sad... but i really needed to voice this and wondered if anyone else used sex in an unhealthy way to escape their eating disorder. i know drugs are a more usual suspect, but they aren't my thing, and since my health ins. died on me and i can't ride right now, sex has become a great release, as it were.. gawd i'm such a freak.
TigersMilk
01-28-2008, 10:44 PM
I'm so tired.
iambonbon05
01-30-2008, 02:08 PM
wow... i have a major confession... i dunno where else to put it, or if anyone else can empathize/relate... lately, my e.d. has been so bad that i've been using the only other thing i know to get away from it... i.e. sex. now, this would be fine if i were actually IN a relationship, but i'm not- i'm ridiculously single and the drive to find 'something/someone' to do for the night to NOT binge/purge is extremely high... i just don't want anyone to get hurt. i'm a freakin' wall... it's sad... but i really needed to voice this and wondered if anyone else used sex in an unhealthy way to escape their eating disorder. i know drugs are a more usual suspect, but they aren't my thing, and since my health ins. died on me and i can't ride right now, sex has become a great release, as it were.. gawd i'm such a freak.
I am similar. A lot of ED'd people, probably most, avoid sex because they can't stand the intimacy/being seen naked but instead for me it's pretty much the only time I feel attractive. And it's a distraction.
I am in a relationship but I get what you're saying and I'd probably be in the same position if I weren't in one.
iambonbon05
01-30-2008, 02:12 PM
What do you do when you binge and you want it out? I don't really want to resort back to old bad habits. I feel guilty I ate the food.
Personally I lock myself in my room and play a computer game or something. Might be too hard for others but if I'm having a bad time I refuse to go into the bathroom until it's too late to do anything as it's too triggering.
Exercise helps, but overdoing it is just another form of purging.
ColetteCalahan
02-06-2008, 01:00 AM
I have an ulcer. I had a feeling that's what was causing a TON of awful crap to go wrong with my body lately. Made the skeptical doctor take an h. pylorii (sp.?) bacterium test... guess who was right?
I think an ulcer is a good reason to try to stop again soon. Wow... I am the definition of self-destructive... I put HOLEs in my body!
jaizaine
02-20-2008, 08:31 AM
I just binged and purged.
Not sure why. Things have been going well. I felt slightly hungry and really wanted the potato chips that were in the kitchen. I knew I should have eaten something healthy instead but i didn't.
Now after the purging I am red all over and really itchy. Esp the palms of my hands were insanely itchy, they are not so bad now but my arms are still really itchy.
leilanicandy
02-20-2008, 02:27 PM
This has been deleted to not upset anyone!
ColetteCalahan
02-20-2008, 02:33 PM
^^^ PLease read the first post!!! NO nUMbERS!!!! thank you...
I don't think this is the place to ask your question. Unhealthy body image/body dysmorphia has been covered many times in Body Business. I don't mean to sound rude, but a question like that is pretty triggering and really upsetting... and if you don't HAVE an eating disorder already, we'd prefer if you not inquire about going about getting one. They're not fun. Sometimes this inquisitive stuff from non-ED girls is the start of something, sometimes it's not, but I won't contribute to helping someone else's disease.
Please look in BB for the BDD thread. And get some support from those around you before this escalates.
Jaizaine... wow, I'm so sorry!!! Was there any particular thing you believe triggered this? That sucks you're still struggling- but hey, you've picked yourself up before, right?? You can do it again~!!!
rhythmicride
02-20-2008, 05:44 PM
I'm too afraid. More than anything, I'm afraid to give up bulimia... been my friend/enemy/soothing mechanism for sooo long, it's too damn familiar. Dunno what life is like without it.
I know exactly what you mean! I feel the same way, except I have issues with restricting. My whole life, that was what was "special" about me, that was my vice. So even though I understand I'm not happy, it's really hard to let it go.
PookaShell
02-20-2008, 06:10 PM
I didn't eat for a few days and decided that wasn't what I wanted to do for my body that did so much for me. So I decided instead to eat a healthy meal and then excersise a little bit later and start getting on track eating small meals all day and excercising. Instead...after I ate a nice healthy stir fry meal of veggies and grilled chicken. I purged. This is the first time I've ever done this. I feel horrible. I feel like I betrayed my poor body. I'm scared to eat now. I don't want to start this. Not eating is bad enough. Aghhhhhhh. What is wrong with me. I LIKE food. It makes me feel better and healthy and strong. Why do I do this.
ColetteCalahan
02-20-2008, 11:53 PM
^ oh pooka... oh dear. umm... you need to see someone... SOON. Like, arrest this before you end up with a mouth full of fake teeth and an ulcerous stomach. As much as I'd love to comfort you emotionally, all I can say is that you are STRONG and SMART and I know you have the willpower it takes to start doing another activity as SOOn as you are done eating, and to make yourself eat small meals at a time throughout the day... do NOT stick around a "food" area (like the kitchen) or be near a bathroom right after you've eaten. Go do something else until you've either digested or the anxious feeling has passed. Your body DOES do great things for you... bulimia is a punishment, not a reward. I <3 and support you.
flickad
02-21-2008, 05:30 AM
I've binged a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, which is a behaviour I've mostly been on top of for quite some time now. I'm very unhappy about a couple of things in my life and knew I had to take some big, painful steps to escape them, but the bingeing also serves as a warning sign. I just can't continue like this.
rhythmicride
02-21-2008, 02:20 PM
Out of all the eating disorder recovery forums I've been on...this one is the most supportive and healthy! THanks to the mods for keeping this place safe and untriggering (weird wording there? hah). Pooka, I know how confused you are. You'd like control over it all, and yet in this you've lost all control, right? Well, maybe not all control just yet, but its understandable to have many conflicting ideas when dealing with an ED. There's a little quote by Kahlil Gibran that my friend, also an anoretic, painted on a poster for me. Whenever I'm filling like shit about my body or my actions, I look to it.
"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."
-Kahlil Gibran
iambonbon05
02-21-2008, 02:23 PM
I shouldn't have watched The Machinist the other day. Yikes.
PookaShell
02-22-2008, 01:00 AM
Thanks you guys for the support - Colette and Rythmic (welcome, btw. :) )
That is exactly how I feel.
I've done really well the past couple of days, though, despite some really stressul events that have made me want to do otherwise.
jaizaine
02-25-2008, 12:34 AM
Jaizaine... wow, I'm so sorry!!! Was there any particular thing you believe triggered this? That sucks you're still struggling- but hey, you've picked yourself up before, right?? You can do it again~!!!
well the only thing i could put that down to was really having a craving for bad food and not wanting to put on weight from eating it. things have been going really well. i have been training hard, enjoying life and eating really healthy. so i just had the urge to pig out but obviously afterwards felt extremely guilty and had to compensate.
ColetteCalahan
02-25-2008, 02:26 AM
^^^ *hugs*!!
Out of all the eating disorder recovery forums I've been on...this one is the most supportive and healthy! THanks to the mods for keeping this place safe and untriggering (weird wording there? hah). Pooka, I know how confused you are. You'd like control over it all, and yet in this you've lost all control, right? Well, maybe not all control just yet, but its understandable to have many conflicting ideas when dealing with an ED.
hey there, welcome! we actually don't have a mod in the 'members' section... we pretty much watch out for triggering/upsetting stuff on our own.
zxcire
02-25-2008, 10:32 AM
OK so here's an update for anyone who is interested in how i try to self-monitor and treat my eating disorder.
The last month or so has been really stressful for me. I'm splitting up with my husband and looking for a new place to live and stuff which isn't really fun. I hate change and I respond by not eating. I know this from my past experiences; anyway I could see myself doing it again...but really weird, like I was watching it from the outside, trying to tell myself to stop being stupid, but the ED was telling me it was okay.
So I know I can pull myself out a hell of a lot easier the quicker I do it, as opposed to getting in deep and having to start from scratch again. I feel like my life is a series of slips, not full relapses because I've not gone all the way down for a few years now...but it's something always in the back of my mind.
So anyway I got pissed at the ED and told it to FUCK OFF. It is something that works really well for me; to see my ED as a separate entity from myself, get angry at it and begin working against it---it helps with the ambivalence and wanting to stay sick--I actually named my ED. Fucker. And I tell it to FUCK OFF every time it tells me not to eat, or to purge, or whatever. It is very motivating for me. It gives me my power back that I had previously surrendered to the ED.
I also sit myself down and talk to myself like a parent. I tell myself why it is so important that I eat well and take care of my body. I call it self-parenting. Since I have to take care of myself now, I gotta be a hardass so I'll listen, lol.
I hope these ideas can help someone...they do help me...
I have gained back what little weight I'd lost in the past month and stopped restricting. Little victories. That's all I care about when my life is going all wild.
Good luck ladies.
zxcire
02-25-2008, 10:36 AM
wow... i have a major confession... i dunno where else to put it, or if anyone else can empathize/relate... lately, my e.d. has been so bad that i've been using the only other thing i know to get away from it... i.e. sex. now, this would be fine if i were actually IN a relationship, but i'm not- i'm ridiculously single and the drive to find 'something/someone' to do for the night to NOT binge/purge is extremely high... i just don't want anyone to get hurt. i'm a freakin' wall... it's sad... but i really needed to voice this and wondered if anyone else used sex in an unhealthy way to escape their eating disorder. i know drugs are a more usual suspect, but they aren't my thing, and since my health ins. died on me and i can't ride right now, sex has become a great release, as it were.. gawd i'm such a freak.
Oh and embarrassingly CC, I have JUST noticed this. And I know exactly what you mean. With me, though, it usually isn't sex that I use as sort of a release from the ED, but I will use other behaviors to compensate. Usually shoplifting, yeah, I do that when my life gets so numb that I want some excitement, or self-injury or other stupid risk taking behaviors. I just wanted to let you know you're not a total freak and I think it's somewhat common.
Lunarobverse
02-25-2008, 10:42 AM
zxcire - this is me, being a cheerleader again, but I'm glad you're succeeding in this ongoing struggle.
Seeing the whole thing as a process and not something you can just "win" and move on is a good mental place to be. It's all about the individual choices you make - there's no good or bad choices, just different consequences that extend from those choices, and making one choice (to not eat, for example) doesn't mean you can't reverse that choice later.
Second, personalizing the problem and talking to it when it rears its head is, I believe, a successful strategy, too and I think it engages the part of our brains that are tuned in to conflict - engages it in a positive way, I mean. If someone sees the ED as "part of them" it might be more difficult to overcome it, and easier to give in to it. "If it's me, then I'll never beat it." But if it's something separate from you, then you can win, even if it never goes away entirely.
I don't know, I'm just rambling here and shakin' my pompoms. Be well.
flickad
02-26-2008, 03:20 AM
Also been struggling more than usual lately. My heart goes out to others who have and I hope we can all get on top of the things we need to get on top of.
TigersMilk
03-13-2008, 10:50 AM
Does anyone ever look into the mirror one day and think that you're just fine and the next day look again and see that you 'look' like a fat cow? Its like some days my eyes play tricks on me.
britt244
03-13-2008, 04:26 PM
^ yes.
i eat, but i obsess over every bite and calorie. i eat pretty well, but when i go out to eat or something it bothers me for such a long time.
PaigeDWinter
03-13-2008, 04:42 PM
I am looking for some ED groups in my area. Yanno? Support groups.
TigersMilk
03-14-2008, 02:34 AM
I am looking for some ED groups in my area. Yanno? Support groups.
This site seemed pretty helpful Paige.
http://www.edreferral.com/index.html Alot of the referrals seem to direct people towards groups. Although the people who offer group sessions seem to offer single sessions too.