View Full Version : Eating Disorder Recovery & Support
ellebelle
03-16-2008, 07:53 AM
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong thread because I don't have a traditional ED, but I have a horrible relationship with amphetamines and diet pills to control my weight. I thought I had it all under control, but since I've moved to a more image concious city, I have been so depressed about my weight. It's all I think about. I'm back on Duramine even though I know it's not healthy for my mind.
For some reason I have some obsession with people seeing how much food I eat. I brag about how many calories a day I eat, and how fast my metabolism is. But I take laxatives and other pills.. I just can't stop eating. I know I'm not fat, but I'm not thin either. I wish I could get this stupid idea that being thin will make everything in my life wonderful. I know its not true.
If I could I ate like a normal person I would have no weight issues. Why do I have to eat so much? I'm getting to the stage where I contemplate throwing up after I binge (and I binge pretty much every day). But I haven't done it yet. I'm too embaressed to admit this to any of my friends. They all think I have such a healthy body image.
flickad
03-17-2008, 03:33 AM
^
Sounds like ED-NOS.
mollyzmoon
03-17-2008, 02:16 PM
OK so here's an update for anyone who is interested in how i try to self-monitor and treat my eating disorder.
The last month or so has been really stressful for me. I'm splitting up with my husband and looking for a new place to live and stuff which isn't really fun. I hate change and I respond by not eating. I know this from my past experiences; anyway I could see myself doing it again...but really weird, like I was watching it from the outside, trying to tell myself to stop being stupid, but the ED was telling me it was okay.
So I know I can pull myself out a hell of a lot easier the quicker I do it, as opposed to getting in deep and having to start from scratch again. I feel like my life is a series of slips, not full relapses because I've not gone all the way down for a few years now...but it's something always in the back of my mind.
So anyway I got pissed at the ED and told it to FUCK OFF. It is something that works really well for me; to see my ED as a separate entity from myself, get angry at it and begin working against it---it helps with the ambivalence and wanting to stay sick--I actually named my ED. Fucker. And I tell it to FUCK OFF every time it tells me not to eat, or to purge, or whatever. It is very motivating for me. It gives me my power back that I had previously surrendered to the ED.
I also sit myself down and talk to myself like a parent. I tell myself why it is so important that I eat well and take care of my body. I call it self-parenting. Since I have to take care of myself now, I gotta be a hardass so I'll listen, lol.
I hope these ideas can help someone...they do help me...
I have gained back what little weight I'd lost in the past month and stopped restricting. Little victories. That's all I care about when my life is going all wild.
Good luck ladies.
That is really very clever, and I admire the gumption you have. It's a hard thing to do, but very well executed.
I just stopped by to say I've been, only very recently, doing much better. It takes a few slips and stuff...but I just feel so sick to death and terrified of the same ol' crap. I can't deal with problems by shoveling sugar into my mouth all night, and then feeling depressed the next day, all the while assuring that I'd not have to see people for 48 hours because i'm 'sick'. (And it does make me really sick...I can't tell if my eating issues work hand-in-hand with IBS, or in spite of it...because I know that binging will make me ill, very ill, the next day...If it weren't for the nervous stomach, I don't know what I'd look like).
So I say 'nope, it sucks, but let's just not...not tonight, I have to see so and so...'. I think having a boyfriend who I actually don't want to lose is a good reason. I don't want to disapoint him.
But has anyone else ever dated someone who has their own strange food-bodyweight history? We sometimes start talking about working out and calories and our collective guilt over eating (he's told me before that he 'used to be fat'...and he says nasty things about 'fat people' all the time...I tell him to knock it off)...these conversations are ridiculous. I look forward to a day where I can just not care, not even think about fucking calories or stomach rolls. But maybe that's unreasonable...maybe in a weird way, hearing him talk like this, it makes me all meta- ...easier to see the problem when it's not mine, etc. I don't know. But pretending like it's no big deal has always just led me to repeat the same stupid pattern, so maybe looking the thing in the eye is key (thanks z).
I wish everyone continued health and strength!
cameron_keys
03-22-2008, 05:15 PM
I slipped today. I didnt eat all day because my headache was taking away any appetite I might have had. Then I had some leftover black beans and rice. Not much...about a cup or so.
Stayed in for about 1/2 an hour. I could feel it sitting in a lump in my throat and I had to get rid of it. I knew,even as I floated the toilet paper on the water in the bowl to avoid the backsplash,that it wasnt right to feel like I had to get rid of the 300 or so calories I'd taken in ALL DAY...but I couldnt control it.
I know I LOST control,but I cant shake the feeling that I was IN control,which is bad because it encourages me to continue doing it and spirals me down.
zxcire
03-23-2008, 09:42 AM
I know I LOST control,but I cant shake the feeling that I was IN control,which is bad because it encourages me to continue doing it and spirals me down.
I think this is the hardest part of overcoming an ED. No matter how many times I tell myself to do what's right, I KNOW inside my head exactly what will make me feel better at this second, which is the exact opposite of what's right. And by doing what makes me feel better, I feel in control...for a minute!
I use something called "opposite action" to counter this. Basically, whatever my first instinct is in a situation like that *purge*, I stop and notice the urge and then do the exact opposite. I DON'T act on that first desire, because it's the self destructive one. I do the opposite, which sucks and is the last thing I want to do. So I make myself do it.
I haven't purged in a long time now. Using this method is a big reason why.
cutey5032
03-28-2008, 09:18 AM
deleted
aussiebelle
03-31-2008, 03:02 AM
At what point exactly does just watching what you eat become too obsessive?
Mm just wondering.
I'm not really in a good place at the moment ED wise but at the same time in the back of my head I'm happy and just want to keep getting smaller. Like the smaller I get, the smaller I want to be not particularly because I think it looks good though..
zxcire
03-31-2008, 07:27 AM
At what point exactly does just watching what you eat become too obsessive?
For me...it's when I try to STOP watching what I eat and I CAN'T STOP those thoughts in my head. When I realize it's become something bigger than what I intended. When it takes on a life of its own. The first time I decided to stop purging, thinking that it was an "activity", something I did when I was bored...I felt shocked and disbelieving when I found myself over the toilet again with a compulsion to purge. Up til then, I thought it was a game I was playing with myself. By the time I realized I MIGHT have a problem, I was already in too deep.
aussiebelle
03-31-2008, 06:20 PM
For me...it's when I try to STOP watching what I eat and I CAN'T STOP those thoughts in my head.
I don't know but I think I might be there. I get up and think about it and plan not to eat all day and when I will have diet coke/green tea/instant coffee breaks.
veronicavale
04-02-2008, 10:22 AM
I will be good this week and not throw up. I will be good this week and not throw up. Why are some days harder than others? I know I've never posted in this thread before, but I feel like it's time to come clean. It sucks that I can legitimately post in the anxiety thread, the depression thread, and the ed thread. I suck.
cameron_keys
04-02-2008, 10:27 AM
. It sucks that I can legitimately post in the anxiety thread, the depression thread, and the ed thread. I suck.
Me too..AND the chronic pain thread. One is bad enough...all is overwhelming
zxcire
04-02-2008, 10:30 AM
Veronica, Cam, don't be so hard on yourselves! I think it could be seen as a good thing that you can post an all those threads, it means you're facing issues that are difficult to go through and not hiding from them. I can post on all those threads too, but I see it as taking back my power and not letting these issues overwhelm me anymore.
Veronica, I want to commend you for your honesty. I wish you the best!
Cameron, here's a hug. I'm sorry things are tough for you. Hope your birdy feels better.
ellebelle
04-04-2008, 10:11 PM
My boyfriend and I had a fight, and now he's overseas for two weeks. He didn't even say goodbye, even though I called him over and over the day he left. I'm so depressed. I've just stopped eating. I'm losing my mind on diet pills my doctor gave me (I go to a really dodgy doctor, who just gives me anything I want which I just keep abusing). I can't sleep.
It's stupid but I'm just trying to lose as much weight as possible before he comes back. Somehow in my mind he'll love me when im skinny. So I've just been eating one bowl of cereal a day and drowning myself in water. I feel guilty about the cereal. Sometimes I even feel guilty about the water.
I know this is stupid. But I feel like I can't control anythign about my relationship now, but at least I can control my weight. I just wish I could talk to him, but I have no way to contact him until he comes home, or calls me from whatever hotel he's staying at or local phone number he's using.
All I'm doing is fucking up my metabolism. For what? A boy who won't even say goodbye before he goes overseas - that I've been dating for quite some time. Yeah I need to grow some balls.
jaizaine
04-16-2008, 06:50 AM
^^
ED's are largely about control. Having a sense of control over what we eat when we feel like we have no control over other things in our lives.
I have not posted here for ages. Unfortunately I have totally relapsed and I am now binging and purging daily and have been for quite some time. Im trying to get on top of it again.........sort of anyway. Im really disappointed in myself coz i was doing so well for so long.
ahmeerah
04-16-2008, 07:44 AM
I think it's been 2 weeks since I took ephedra.
Electrum
04-29-2008, 08:43 PM
This kinda sucks. I want to diet so bad but I'm afraid that I'll unleash my... whatever it is... again. Last time I went on a diet I ended up starving myself for a good two years. I'm not sure if I was ever underweight enough to be considered anorexic, but I guess that is sorta a silly question. Bleh, I hate feeling like all I ever do is whine about my life on these boards lol. I think this is definitely a good thread, though. I just wanted to somehow acknowledge that I am worried about my eating habits. The thoughts are starting to come back. Not just negative thoughts either. I get these sinister "positive" thoughts that try to convince me that hungry = accomplishment, or something fucked up like that. Ack! Well, I hope posting this helps me keep track of my thoughts more. I maybe went a few days without food last week, but I think that had more to do with a manic episode than an eating disorder. Who knows, maybe the two go hand in hand?
And it's weird, I somehow feel less depressed and just... better... if I'm starving. I tend to get more done and just am generally more functional. Besides the not eating part. Anyone else experience this? I think it's the major way the sickness tricks me.
thisunrest
05-02-2008, 11:37 PM
Thank you for starting this thread.
I've been bulimic,off and on,since I was thirteen.It's done immeasurable damage to my familial relationships,let alone my self-esteem.
I'm in relapse right now,and am having a particularly hopeless day.I feel like it doesn't matter if I try to recover or not,the damage is done.
I can't change how my family sees me,or undo what Ive done(stealing food,lying,fighting,ect)
And I don't want to get some abstinance time under my belt only to relapse again.
Idon't want to keep going back and forth like this.It's killing me,figuratively and literally.
Sorry if this post is over-whiney.I just needed to talk to someone tonight,I feel so bad.
Electrum
05-03-2008, 05:57 AM
Thank you for starting this thread.
I've been bulimic,off and on,since I was thirteen.It's done immeasurable damage to my familial relationships,let alone my self-esteem.
I'm in relapse right now,and am having a particularly hopeless day.I feel like it doesn't matter if I try to recover or not,the damage is done.
I can't change how my family sees me,or undo what Ive done(stealing food,lying,fighting,ect)
And I don't want to get some abstinance time under my belt only to relapse again.
Idon't want to keep going back and forth like this.It's killing me,figuratively and literally.
Sorry if this post is over-whiney.I just needed to talk to someone tonight,I feel so bad.
Don't worry about sounding whiny. Only people who have misconceptions about eating disorders would say you're being whiny. I was never a purger (with food anyway), so I can't pretend like I understand exactly what you're going through, but I also am fearing relapse right now. I seem to be at a higher risk, as far as I can tell, right after a pregnancy. And the more I ignore the issue the more I seem to get those thoughts. So I agree about the needing to talk thing... Hope you feel better...
ahmeerah
05-03-2008, 06:32 AM
My boyfriend and I had a fight, and now he's overseas for two weeks. He didn't even say goodbye, even though I called him over and over the day he left. I'm so depressed. I've just stopped eating. I'm losing my mind on diet pills my doctor gave me (I go to a really dodgy doctor, who just gives me anything I want which I just keep abusing). I can't sleep.
It's stupid but I'm just trying to lose as much weight as possible before he comes back. Somehow in my mind he'll love me when im skinny. So I've just been eating one bowl of cereal a day and drowning myself in water. I feel guilty about the cereal. Sometimes I even feel guilty about the water.
I know this is stupid. But I feel like I can't control anythign about my relationship now, but at least I can control my weight. I just wish I could talk to him, but I have no way to contact him until he comes home, or calls me from whatever hotel he's staying at or local phone number he's using.
All I'm doing is fucking up my metabolism. For what? A boy who won't even say goodbye before he goes overseas - that I've been dating for quite some time. Yeah I need to grow some balls.
Ellebelle
I had a 10+ year addiction to diet pills. If you ever want to talk PM me. Sure it's been like 1+ months since I took the ephedra but, I know I ended that dependency. I think I understand your pain and control-issue-thing.
knp001
05-03-2008, 10:54 AM
Oh, my dear- reading your post was like seeing my past (only I started at 16). It is so hard sometimes, but remember, everything is better w/o ed.
I know it's hard to break out of the b/p rut, and that is something I struggle with myself, but, when you finally do, there's nothing better. Something that helps me is to make a list of everything (ed free!) that I love, like spring and reading, and how ed takes these things away from me.
And you know what? I think that it's better to be ed free for awhile and relapse. Just go longer the next time, because you've already proved to yourself that you can go without ed for that long- try to push yourself for one more day.
Sorry if I'm rambly, I just get so emotional. Feel free to PM if you need to talk more
:hug:
Thank you for starting this thread.
I've been bulimic,off and on,since I was thirteen.It's done immeasurable damage to my familial relationships,let alone my self-esteem.
I'm in relapse right now,and am having a particularly hopeless day.I feel like it doesn't matter if I try to recover or not,the damage is done.
I can't change how my family sees me,or undo what Ive done(stealing food,lying,fighting,ect)
And I don't want to get some abstinance time under my belt only to relapse again.
Idon't want to keep going back and forth like this.It's killing me,figuratively and literally.
Sorry if this post is over-whiney.I just needed to talk to someone tonight,I feel so bad.
aussiebelle
05-03-2008, 11:04 AM
Does anybody else seem to get worse around an event? Like you starve yourself and get all stressed out if you have something to go to and get dressed up for?
(Argh. I fucking hate this.)
Electrum
05-03-2008, 02:21 PM
^^ Definitely. The more "productive" I am the less I want to eat. I get worse during the school year or when working.
thisunrest
05-04-2008, 03:15 AM
Does anybody else seem to get worse around an event? Like you starve yourself and get all stressed out if you have something to go to and get dressed up for?
(Argh. I fucking hate this.)
I dad died a few years ago,and his birthday and death-date are always hard.I was flipping out in my head earlier this year,and whenI looked at the calender it all made sense.It was his 9-year anniversary.
Also,I terminated a pregnancy two years ago.On what would have been the birthday,and the 1-year birthday,I cried a lot,and acted out(as they saY ).
I think it happens for many people .Certain ndates are harder to deal with.
Electrum
05-04-2008, 10:04 AM
I dad died a few years ago,and his birthday and death-date are always hard.I was flipping out in my head earlier this year,and whenI looked at the calender it all made sense.It was his 9-year anniversary.
Also,I terminated a pregnancy two years ago.On what would have been the birthday,and the 1-year birthday,I cried a lot,and acted out(as they saY ).
I think it happens for many people .Certain ndates are harder to deal with.
I also had an abortion a couple years ago. I suffered a lot of trauma with it. I didn't realize at the time I was being coerced. I mean, I knew it wasn't "fair," but I didn't understand the dynamics of the abuse. I'm not as bad as I used to be that's for sure, but I still am extremely affected by what happened. On many levels; some self destructive and others constructive.
thisunrest
05-04-2008, 07:41 PM
I also had an abortion a couple years ago. I suffered a lot of trauma with it. I didn't realize at the time I was being coerced. I mean, I knew it wasn't "fair," but I didn't understand the dynamics of the abuse. I'm not as bad as I used to be that's for sure, but I still am extremely affected by what happened. On many levels; some self destructive and others constructive.:hug::hug::hug::grouphug:
sexy_celeste
05-05-2008, 05:11 AM
Proud today.
I have gained weight. And Im ok with that. Its amazing. Not long ago I would be full of self loathing and depressed that I had put on even 100grams.
I was pretty ill and lost 4 kg in a week, and I have put that 4kg back on (once i was able to eat again, and had an actual appetite).
I dont mind that I gained back that weight, since it wasnt an 'earned' loss through diet and exercise.
And I went to the gym for the first time in nearly a month today (I forced myself to stay away until I had finished anti-biotics) so had a good workout and did some stretching (come on old flexibility!) and tai-chi.
Apart from the stress headache from the bank drama (charging us for not using their atm, when the closest one was 1600km away) and people losing our money (AND the bank changing the internet banking memory, so we cant check our records online) Im feeling pretty good.
knp001
05-06-2008, 10:40 AM
hey all!! I'm avoiding studying, so I decided to post a tip (sorry if this has already been done). When I feel like I'm struggling with the ED, I listen to a "Recovery" playlist that I made. It doesn't always help or stop me, but it gives me a lot of hope. This is mine, and I used songs that mean a lot to me- I hope this helps!!
PS- feel free to add your own- I need some more!! ;D
It's My Life - Bon Jovi
Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood
You Gotta Be - Des'ree
Long Trip Alone - Dierks Bentley
Free and Easy (Down the Road I Go) - Dierks Bentley
What the World Needs Now Is Love - Dionne Warwick
Ready To Run - Dixie Chicks
How Long - Eagles
Here's to the Night - Eve 6
100 Years 4:07 Five for Fighting
Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Cigarette - Jeremy Fisher
Let It Slide - Joanna
Have a Little Faith in Me - John Hiatt
Say - John Mayer
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
Red High Heels - Kellie Pickler
Low - Kelly Clarkson
What I Cannot Change - LeAnn Rimes
Better In Time - Leona Lewis
Shadow Of The Day - Linkin Park
All You Need Is Love - Lynden David Hall
Undeniable - Mat Kearney
I Will Let You Down - Matt Wertz
Shine - Meredith Brooks
Heart of Gold - Neil Young Harvest
Your Smile is a Drug - Patrick Park
Silver Girl - Patrick Park
Something Pretty - Patrick Park
Stand - Rascal Flatts
Garden Party - Ricky Nelson
Two - Ryan Adams
The Rescue Blues - Ryan Adams
Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
Beautiful Wreck - Shawn Mullins
Lullaby - Shawn Mullins
Let It Out - Starrfadu
I'll Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind
How's It Going to Be - Third Eye Blind
Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind
Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Learning to Fly - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
In a Little While - U2
Hope this helps!!:)
Electrum
05-08-2008, 09:32 AM
I've been doing the obsessive calorie counting bullshit again. I already can estimate the approximate calorie content of almost anything, but it's just one of those old behaviors trying to weasel its way back. I've been eating ok, probably still not as much as I should considering I'm breastfeeding, but I'm making sure what I do eat is healthy. I'm doing much better than the last couple of weeks (I was basically not eating or sleeping because of a manic episode). I hope I can control those obsessive thoughts though.... I seem to be doing ok. Honestly I think working out is really helping with my body image. I have no idea why I didn't figure this out sooner lol. Before, I always just starved so I had little to no muscle :( Now I love the way my muscles are starting to look even though I actually am weighing more.
aussiebelle
05-08-2008, 01:17 PM
It gets pretty fucked up when you starve for 4 days and eat nothing to look hot in a dress then not be able to make an event because you get so fucked up and have to go home before 10 and before dessert. :(
knp001
05-12-2008, 01:06 PM
ok so I'm panicking a lil bit!!!!!!!!!! I've got my first ever audition on thursday, I've been puking constantly, and I feel fat and ugly and I always gain weight when I puke!! I was so fucking close to my goal weight and now i've gone a fucked it up. i don't know if i gained weight but i feel like i did!!! I HATE this eating disorder!!! fuck you, eating disorder!!!! it's done NOTHING good for me!!! >:(
sorry, just had to vent.
Electrum
05-15-2008, 06:29 PM
^^ I know how you feel. I'm not a puker, but the closer it gets to the audition the more pressure I feel about my "mummy tummy"... I keep on trying to eat but food is making me wanna gag. I keep on starving during the day and then eating at night, so at least I'm eating I guess, but it still doesn't make much sense. I don't think I drank enough fluids today... I feel really spaced out. I need to really try and relax over the weekend and get my body ready, but the more pressure I feel the more I want this damn jiggle to disappear. Grrrr!
(Oh and how did your audition go?)
knp001
05-16-2008, 08:37 AM
oh- haha! Long story, but I got lost and now have an audition for a club tonight! (It's much nicer, so I'm quite excited!)
But I totally know what you mean about starving in the day, bingeing at night. Boo. it sucks.
I wish I could just stop thinking about food, because that's when I feel the best! Isn't it ironic? We (well, at least I did) started this thing to feel better about ourselves, and it just makes us feel like shit. :'(
what's everyone else's strategy for breaking out of the trap of the e.d.? even if it's just for a few days?
Electrum
05-17-2008, 04:26 PM
^^ I don't really have a strategy. It just seems to come and go with me. Although I have noticed that if I drink some alcohol and get a little buzzed I head straight for the kitchen with no regrets lol (until the morning).
jaizaine
05-27-2008, 06:52 AM
How is everyone going?
I've been better, been worse......
Electrum
05-27-2008, 11:06 AM
^^ I've definitely been worse, but what sucks for me is not having enough food even if I wanted to. I'm currently living paycheck to paycheck so sometimes it's not uncommon to run outa food a few days before the next paycheck. I'm definitely auditioning for a dancing job this week, fuck maybe even today, if I somehow get enough gas to go up there. I'll be so happy when money isn't as big of a problem. Then I'll be able to eat healthy, and not poor man shit like noodles, noodles, and more noodles lol. But yeah, when this happens I usually get pretty depressed and it can definitely kick in my ED behavior.
TigersMilk
05-30-2008, 07:13 PM
Does anyone know any good ED support forums? You can pm me if you don't feel comfortable posting it.
Electrum
05-31-2008, 08:39 AM
^^ hahahaha yeah me too :O
ajbaer
06-22-2008, 05:38 AM
I'm having a horrible time. I went so long. Then I was thinking last night about how long I've been back on with my ED. I was telling myself it's been a couple weeks. Well in reality it's been 6 months...and that's why it's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm starting to worry, but don't want to run around looking for help. I don't even want to talk to E about it. Last night I sat under my covers and told him to go away. We tried talking about it but he told me "Just eat healthy". He doesn't understand it doesn't work like that. I also tried to explain that the disorder rarely is "forever gone". Almost like alcoholism it sticks around and lingers. I don't know many people that have struggled with ED's to have it go away forever. Yeah, for years...but completely gone? If you're one of those people let me know...I could use some inspiration.
ahmeerah
06-22-2008, 05:47 AM
^^^ I FEEL like mine is forever gone. My problem was with diet pills - the ephedra, caffeine stack (1994 to 2008 ). The more I'm learning about how the body works optimally, the less attracted I am to them and the more I've learned how to re-balance my system so I don't "need" them anymore. My obsession is optimal health/function instead of just looking that way.
I've been off for a while now. Several months. Getting off them was hard as FUCK. Addiction is a bitch.
ColetteCalahan
07-13-2008, 06:11 AM
^ joplin, although you're more than welcome to participate and give/receive support from this thread, PLEASE read the first post of the thread and edit your last entry accordingly. (i.e. no numbers!!!!!) thank you.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time... have you told your BF how hard you've had it recently? Perhaps he could be a better support if you let him in...
Electrum
07-21-2008, 10:40 AM
I'm going to rant because this has been bothering me even though I know I wont do anything stupid it's just the kinda shit that makes you want to...
I'm usually a very low drama person, but I've been having this epic battle with this bitch for a few stupid reasons. Well, she dealt a few low blows to me on myspace (yes, it's that stupid), and I couldn't even respond to the message. So here I am, I'm going to bitch about it here!
She mentioned that "real" strip clubs don't have poles and that they have strict weight requirements. First of all, I LOVE pole dancing, so she can eat shit about that. And yeah, I'm kinda chubby still from the baby, and I'm probably never going to see my lowest weight again. (This bitch is super skinny by the way...) Jesus fucking Christ man! It's been since freakin' high school that someone has tried to make me feel bad about my weight. I haven't let it trigger me, but I can't get the words "weight requirement" out of my head. I just wish I could snap her in half >:(
I guess it's inspired me to work out more, just in case I run into her in real life I can be prepared to snap her in half... I like developing muscle and being strong... non of which is the case when I starve... I've never been in a fight but I can see myself seriously kicking this chicks ass... *end of rant*
Electrum
11-07-2008, 09:41 AM
Oh wow I was the last person to post on this lol. Oh well, I need to rant again :frown:
I just want to acknowledge that I'm having a lot of problems in this area again. It seems like I'm constantly at an extreme. Either very few calories or way too many. I haven't technically binged and purged, but definitely thought about it. I can't just go on a diet or eat healthy. I always have to do it in an extreme way, or else I just end up eating McDonald's again. I don't get it. Even if I actually do eat relatively healthy in a day I'm still obsessively thinking about what I should or shouldn't have ate, and how gross I feel/look.
OH YEAH... I was going to find a psychiatrist today... :-[ Wish me luck.
Spankie55
11-11-2008, 12:23 PM
I've been struggling with anorexia with purging tendencies since 7th grade,although my issues with food started in 5th grade. It began with a fear of eating in front of people. I noticed one day in the lunch room while every one was eating,that people look horrible when they eat..so ever since then,I've had an intense fear of eating in front of most people. I have friends that I've known for 5 years+ that have never seen me eat..
7th grade,I remember some kid on the school bus made fun of my pudgy arms((that's where I gain weight the most,my arms)). From that day forward,I've been on a diet. It's been horrible,stressful and damaging. My last relationship failed because of my ED,and I'm so mad at my self because I really believe he was the one. My family and friends think I'm a freak.
I normally don't eat much,and I have a BMI of 17.3. When I do eat,I usually vomit. There are times when I binge,although,I don't really eat much then either. Small meals seem like a binge to me.
I didn't realize I had a problem until sophomore year in HS. I fainted in the hallway while walking to class.
I don't see that I'm thin,and I never have. My lowest weight was 95 pounds,and even then-I still thought I needed to lose weight.
I don't feel pretty unless I'm starving. The feeling of being empty is the best feeling in the world to me.
I'm tired of being angry at the world,but I can't seem to walk away. I'm furious.I have the will power to starve my self,but I don't have the will power to stop.
It just doesn't make sense to me.