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Still trying to get myself together

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The story begins around spring 2008. I had thought whether I would be interested in girls or not. On the other hand I was afraid that what if the other girl falls in love with me -while I'm starting to get to know who I really am- and I just cannot love another woman. So I answered to some people on the internet and decided to meet with a girl whose parents happened to live near me (she visits his dad regularly even though at the moment she lives elsewhere). Before meeting her I didn't even get to see a picture of her. When I found her at the beach (it was summer back then), my jaw probably dropped. I had had no idea of how beautiful she would be.

So there wasn't any questions anymore. But just as I had a bf (who has given his blessing to all of this) she, too, had more experience with men than with women and didn't know whether she could fall in love with a woman or not.

In autumn I travelled to visit her because I had misunderstood her in a way and on that journey I found out that she isn't interested in me as much as I am in her. I'm pretty positive I have never cried as much as I did before leaving. Even thinking about it still makes me cry. But at least she got an honest reaction from me. She was sorry and said she would still like to meet me every once in a while as a friend if I can still do that, and I was like okay.

So as the winter came we continued seeing each other (not often, just when she came to visit this town) even though I tried to find another people and tried to stop wishing she would be more than a friend. Partly to forget her I started dancing (there was a bundle of other reasons, too). I still sometimes made joking remarks on that I'm available if she happens to change her mind. She even agreed to come to see my workplace (we have discussed on she trying her luck in the business and working with me for a day but haven't done that yet).

Last Friday (20th of February) we agreed to meet after school and go to buy her a pair of ben wa balls as she wanted to find a particular type that is not sold everywhere. (Due to my profession I happened to know where to find the right kind.) So there we were in a porn store and chatted about all things possible with the owner (He is always super nice so I visit that particular store whenever I happen to need anything he has there.) for maybe an hour and went to my place to make some tea.

My bf was elsewhere and in the middle of kissing this girl I asked her if she had any ideas on what she would like to do. And all of a sudden she was like oh I would like to try some things but I have *you know* so maybe tomorrow. So we agreed to meet again the following day. I was so nervous the whole day as I had dreamed of her for like half a year.

We both had no previous experiences and -unlike I had thought- I was even more nervous than her. (We didn't do everything possible yet but in my book that was my first time with a girl.) I had no idea on how deeply touching it would be. (Just the thought of what she looked like is enough to make me cry. Yes, again.) It was so intensive emotinally that I had to stop every once in a while to catch my breath. I was scared to death that I would hurt her, the most beautiful being I have ever had. And yeah, it was all over way too soon but we agreed that we'll try again when she gets back. When she had left, I broke in tears out of relief that I didn't mess it all up (or at least I feel I did quite well).

I still don't know whether she likes me or not. I know that she knows how much I like her. But all in all, I don't know... how many heartbreaks I can take. I want to be with her so badly but I'm afraid I will always be afraid of loosing her and that she won't feel the same for me as I do for her. I'm thinking of giving her a gift when she gets back but I'm not sure what to give her. She cannot tell her family who she got the gift so it cannot be anything too expensive or obvious.

The fact that she has known me for this long (so I'm not a one night stand) and that she was sober and had possibly planned it for at least some time suggests that maybe she finally feels for me. I guess I can nothing but believe so.

So the bottom line is that I might very well be truly madly deeply in love for the first time in my life and I guess that is good but dammit why it has to be this painful

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