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Open letter to Dr. Laura
My apologies if this has already been posted here, but its rare that I find something online that makes me laugh out loud. I found this posted to a Facebook group.
Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. She recently said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
Homer Simpson-Caldwell
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
I've seen that a few times on the internet, but I still think it's funny.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
I like this!
Fundamentalist Christians are good for nothing but ridicule. And I mean that. Really. My dad is one.:(
Has anyone read "Letter to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris? Good stuff, you should check it out.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
^ She's Jewish though. Just sayin'.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
LilyLove
^ She's Jewish though. Just sayin'.
Oh. :-[
Well I got the fundamentalist vibe with the whole "let's take the bible literally" thing goin' on there.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
^ I do see what you're saying though. Fundamentalist is fundamentalist, doesn't matter what religion you are. And Dr. Laura is a huge fucking bitch in general.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Again..the idiot with the big mouth gets airtime.
And yet nobody is interested in my advice column in which I try to be non-judgemental. Not controversial enough I guess.
I cant stand Dr Laura!
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
zxcire
Oh. :-[
Well I got the fundamentalist vibe with the whole "let's take the bible literally" thing goin' on there.
Lol, no. The guy who wrote the letter was just being a dick, basically calling up all the other stupid shit the bible says besides the homosexuality thing.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
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Originally Posted by
kitty260
Lol, no. The guy who wrote the letter was just being a dick, basically calling up all the other stupid shit the bible says besides the homosexuality thing.
\
I know. That's what I meant by "take the bible literally", it shouldn't be. That's all.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Where does the bible say to take it figuratively?
Jesus himself said follow all the laws in what Christians called the Old Testament.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
This one's my favorite. I wanna own some Canadians!
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I like that one. I'm not threatening ass kicking anymore....Ima smite them instead.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
Homer Simpson-Caldwell
Quote:
Originally Posted by
RoseLeigh
This one's my favorite. I wanna own some Canadians!
I wanna own some Canadians too!!! Mollyzmoon- I straight up want you as my slave. ;D
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
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Originally Posted by
LuckyOne
I wanna own some Canadians too!!! Mollyzmoon- I straight up want you as my slave. ;D
OOO...OOOO...I call Cally as mine!! Sex slave..oh yeah...giggidy giggidy
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
I love it. It originated on "The West Wing" when The Pres. played by Martin Sheen ( himself a devout Christian and biblical scholar ) used it to put a fundamentalist Christer in her place over Gays.
What I usually say to intolerant folks like Dr. Laura is : " If you oppose abortion-Don't have one. If you oppose Gay Marriage- Don't marry one. If you don't like porn- Don't watch it. And if you don't like Gays at all - Don't do lunch with one."
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
cameron_keys
OOO...OOOO...I call Cally as mine!! Sex slave..oh yeah...giggidy giggidy
*submits to being Camerons sex slave*
I am yours master to do as you please }:D
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Callyish
*submits to being Camerons sex slave*
I am yours master to do as you please }:D
Drool....I feel SO much better now!!!
***ordering Cally to strip slowly and rub her bewbies on me***
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Love that Letter to Dr. Laura. An oldie but a goodie.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Sh0t
Where does the bible say to take it figuratively?
Jesus himself said follow all the laws in what Christians called the Old Testament.
The latter is not at all true. When asked about what laws to follow, Jesus made it clear that it was the 10 Commandments that were to be followed. He further added that the MOST important laws were to love God and to love thy neighbor as thyself (Matthew 19), and he makes it clear that these more important laws would sometimes overrule the Commandments themselves. He refers to this again in the Sermon on the Mount as "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". This is the same speech in which he counters the Old Testament "Eye for an eye" with "Love thine enemy" and "turning the other cheek".
There are countless examples of Jesus demonstrating that love as THE law is much more important than following old Mosaic laws. He risked getting himself in a lot of trouble for allowing his disciples to pick and eat grain on the Sabbath, but argued that caring for a hungry person was more important as the law of love than following old rules for the sake of following old rules.
Jesus was a TOTAL rebel. I'm a fan. But as the bumper sticker goes: "Jesus, save me from your followers".
As for the first part, the Bible does not say "Take me figuratively". It's just that, frankly, it is simply not possible to say you just "take the Bible literally", as so many fundamentalists claim. The Bible contradicts itself SO many times that everyone has to interpret it to a certain degree, even if they think they aren't.
There are plenty of examples, but you can start right at the very beginning. In Genesis 1 and Genesis 2, you have two totally contradictory orders of creation. In the first, humans come last in creation (and it specifically says "male and female He created them", no mention of Adam and Eve), AFTER all the fish and birds and beasts of the land. In the second version, man comes first and is all by his lonesome, and THEN God decided to make all other living creatures, and eventually performed the ribectomy that resulted in Eve.
Can you tell I've discussed this before? ;) Anyway, it is NOT POSSIBLE to just look at the above and say, "Well, I just take it all literally, exactly as written". You cannot simultaneously hold two opposing truths in your mind. By definition, you wll do some interpreting. The problem is that the fundamentalists think that their interpretation is the only one that's possible, so they think that that's the same thing as "taking it literally".
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Extreme fundamentalist views in ANY religion absolutely scare the living shit out of me. The principle of separation of church and state is one of our most important democratic principles. It's very scary to me that the current ideology of so many evangelicals is to diminish this democratic principle.
We currently do not have true separation of church and state. If we do, then why was the Pledge of Alliegance changed to "One nation, under God....." ? So many restrictive laws are based on fundamentalist religious views that we are not the free country we think we are. Just consider all the ridiculous laws regarding sodomy - sexual practices between consenting adults, abortion, blue laws, prostitution, nudity, restrictions in strip clubs.....all of them based on fundamentalist religious philosophy.
Now before I'm burned at the stake, I also believe that religion has done some great good deeds and provides comfort to many believers - but it has also been responsible for some of the greatest evils in the history of humankind. Hello, Middle East!!
The common denominator is people - and some people will define the teachings of religion (as well as ANY rules, statutes, laws and principles) as it suits them. Indeed, the teachings of religion - the Bible, the Koran, were created and modified over time by people to suit their agendas.
Last thought for now: freedom of religion also means freedom from religion. It's scary that Dr. Laura has such a huge audience of believers - absolutely frightening - and we should be just as concerned about the Dr. Laura's of the world as we should be about the rise of terrorism. They both spring forth from religious fundamentalism.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Fuck it all. Religion is a behavioral tool and the bible is a story book. The interpretation of the story helps some people live in a structure that they feel safe in. I can respect that - some people need it.
It's not even proven that Jesus did exist or that "God" even exists outside of human creation. I don't understand how everyone just takes it as absolute truth!
*confused*
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
^^^ very well said. You rock.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Dr. Laura radion show ruined my mom. Once she started listening to her, she had to listen to her every day when she picked us up from school. We didn't like to hear it. Once introduced to Dr. Lauras radio show she stopped thinking for herself. My mom was a very stubborn person and controlling enough as it was.. But once she listen to that damn she religiously she became a Dictating Pyscho Nazi from hell. Its bad when the wrong people follow people like that. She drove my sister and I crazy.
I don't hate Dr. Laura because she does actually do good, but shealso seems a little off her rocker.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
haaaaaaaa!!! i'm not too keen on religion in general but this 'Dr' sounds like shes completely insane!!! mind you so are all fundamentalists. i cant stand them-i often wonder how much better the world would be if they wer'nt here.
America seems to have alot more fundamental religion than england...it must drive you crazy to have to listen to people like that on raidio and tv :(
The bible can be a bit nuts: thou shalt not kill...
(a few pages later) thou shalt not allow a witch to live
hmmmmmmm thats a pickle...........
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
RoseLeigh
This one's my favorite. I wanna own some Canadians!
I wanna own Ann Coulter. She won't eat much and there's no way I'll ever get emotionally attached.
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Re: Open letter to Dr. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
Canadians are sometimes referred to as "Canucks." "Canuck" rhymes with "Fuck", and profanity is certainly an abomination. End of debate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
You must test the current market by auctioning her on E-bay first.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
You must share some witty, tasteful menstrual jokes with women before asking such a delicate question.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
No, of course not. Thou shalt love thy neighbors by filling a large cooler with beer and inviting them over for charbroiled beef.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
Your course of action will be determined by your neighbor's ethnicity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
Your friend has obviously never eaten badly prepared mussels.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?
Lasix surgery will restore you to divine, defect-free order.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
You must trim the hair around their penises with a chainsaw.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
Only if the gloves are made of calfskin.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kitty260
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
"Trouble?" To the contrary, it will be a gold mine if you promote their punishment as a pay-per-view event (i.e., "Ultimate Stoning I") to benefit charitable causes.