Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
Ok, I did a search and really couldn't come up with what I was looking for.
Here is my situation: My man and I have a good, solid relationship. He makes more money than me, so I don't have to pay mortgage, gym, the electric, gas or heating and he takes care of most of our food bills.
However, he down NOT clean.
Since he does so much for me, should I not be bitching about the cleaning? Do most of you who live with a man end up doing most of the cleaning if not all?
He never complains if I let it go a while, but if i dont want to live in a pig pen, it's up to me. Always.
Here's the thing: when I clean, I get this sort of anxiety. My mom has always cleaned up after my dad. My Dad has never done anything to do with cleaning! When I was younger, my mom always seemed so unhappy while she was cleaning. She finally got a live in nanny, who took care of all that. My mom was also a full time working management professional. (she ran a laboratory in a hospital). So at one point, she was a 'maid' and working full time, while we had a mirad of baby sitters.
Then when the nanny was living with us, she NEVER let me clean. From the age of 8 to 16, I was not allowed to clean/:O
It is just hard to not associate cleaning with a sort of female slavery. My mom doesn t have a cleaning person now, and once again, my Dad doesnt do anything to help her. She seems like a 'maid robot' when she gets into her cleaning mode and it makes me sad.
So, am I spoiled? Is it fair that i should do most of the cleaning since he makes most of the money? Should I see a councelor? Should I just take a xanax and clean?
( I have hired cleaning people, but one agency ripped me off and the other lady took way too long for what little she did).
It would be great to get feedback. Thanks.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
Wow, lucky you to have a man that's able to pay all those bills! I wish my man made more than me most of the time.
When I met my man I noticed he wasn't too fond of cleaning. I'm a neat freak and cleaning really relaxes me especially when I have my favorite music playing in the background. Anyway, we eventually made a "deal" about cleaning. When we're both working we both have to help clean. He was unemployed for about a year last year while I was working so he did most of the cleaning for me. He finally was able to get a job again and I was unemployed for a few months thanks to morning sickness so I did most of the cleaning. Now he's unemployed again while I'm back to work so he's beginning to clean again. It seems to work for us.
We had a lot of fights over it when we first got together. He grew up with his mom cleaning everything while all the men just enjoyed life basically with no worries (she did have a job on top of doing that too). I grew up with everyone in the household helping out no matter what.
I told my man that I'm not his mom and I'm not going to become some robot/slave/pregnant barefoot housewife for him. I want an equal relationship which means we both help pay the bills, we both help clean, we both help take care of the baby (on its way-still in my belly), etc. It took some arm twisting but he's finally getting used to it.
Oh yeah, and another "rule" we have is that if I make dinner (which is 99% of the time) he cleans the dishes afterwards usually. He grew up with his mom slaving over dinner and slaving over cleaning the table and the dishes afterwards every time. So yeah, it took him time to get used to sharing the duties with me.
If you're associating cleaning with negative thoughts, I say give yourself a treat of some sorts afterwards. I hate cleaning bathrooms so I treat myself afterwards in some way. Try turning on your fav. music while you do it, dance around and try to have some fun. When my younger sisters didn't want to help me clean I'd try to make it in to a game for them and it worked. They still didn't like doing it but it made it a little easier for them.
Oh..now that we have a 2-bedroom apartment (used to live in a studio..ugh) I let him have one room to himself to dirty it up however much he wants. He also has his own bathroom so he can let the toilet get as nasty as he wants too. I try not to go in there but if I do I try really hard to keep my mouth shut. I saw the idea on Oprah or some show like it. Keep most of the house clean but let the man have his own space somewhere so he can still feel like a "man" in his mess.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
Yes, you're spoiled.
It is fair that you do most of the cleaning. It's not because he makes more money, it's because he spends more money for the two of you to maintain your lifestyle. Cleaning is a way that you can show your appreciation for the things that he does for you. And he doesn't even get on your back about it? Bonus for you.
Counseling and anti anxiety meds might help. Why spend the time and money on those things when you can just work to change your mindset and see cleaning as a positive thing that you're doing in return for the postitive things things that are being done for you?
In my household, Boyfriend takes care of everything financially right now while I'm out of work. I do the laundry, dishes and take care of The Baby. He cooks, because I seriously suck at cooking and he's a picky eater anyway. I will start doing more once my damn injury is healed and I can get around easier. And once I start back to work, we will probably reassess the household chores and make things a little more even since I will again be taking care of my own financial obligations and contributing to the household expenses.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
I grew up with a live in maid from age 4-13 so I understand where you're coming from. Since you feel this strongly about it I'd keep searching for a cleaning person. Don't let the 2 bad experiences deter you from trying again. Just have them do the scrub work: floors, bathrooms, dusting while you keep the clutter organized during the week. Maybe write a job description of what you need done and ask what they charge for that (flat rate) rather than paying hourly.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
I agree. You should do the cleaning. It's not supposed to be fun, but that doesn't make it slavery.
if the roles were reversed and you made all the money, would you expect him to do the cleaning?
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
If you dislike cleaning, and I can absolutely 100% relate, hire a maid out of your own cashflow. In this area, they usually run $50-80. Ask around for some referrals. Sometimes you may have a bad experience but you will find someone you like sooner or later.
Have her come twice a month for that crappy deep cleaning, and just keep it tidy yourself on a daily basis.
This has saved my ass. My mom was also like yours. Except she did have me clean as well. I am so messy, I hate cleaning.
Treat yourself to a maid!
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
My boyfriend is the breadwinner and we both do our share of cleaning. So I don't think you're spoiled. you both help the place get dirty, you should both help when cleaning up.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
I'm with Glamazon. He shouldn't trash the place and expect you to be the maid, but if he's making it possible for you to live with virtually no expenses then it's only fair for you to keep the place looking nice.
Cleaning is actually rather enjoyable when you get into it. Put some music on and let your mind wander. It's very zen. Afterward you can pour a glass of wine and kick back in your beautiful clean home.
The only thing I really hate doing is dishes, so when K is home he does those. Since I do most of the cooking, it's fair for him to clean up after dinner, and I appreciate his doing the one chore I can't stand doing.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
Are you working? If so, since he pays the bills, why can't you pay for a maid to come over and clean? This is what I do, although my husband and I both work and I hate to clean. Maybe you can even stay and watch what they do if you don't want to pay for it all of the time. I know this sounds strange, but my place was an organizational disaster and I wanted to watch someone do all of the hard work, so then I could do the little things here and there.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
I don't think it's a male/female thing. When I work my hubby stays home and does all the household stuff. Now I'm preggers again I'll probably take a year and a half or two years off, my hubby will go to work and I'll take care of the kids and the house. Honestly it all depends on who is more willing (and able) to work at the time.
Although if it bothers you maybe you ought to have a heart to heart with your man and explain your concerns about ending up like your mom. Maybe he could help you out a bit and if nothing else help ease your fears.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
Thanks for all of your response. I did not go into work last night and totally attacked my two bathrooms and kitchen. I did have the anxiety at first, but he was out watching a football game, so I put the music on and just dove in.
Don't get me wrong, I do clean, I just feel anxious. ( I actually almost start crying sometimes). I also love and appreciate what he does very much.
I think the maid is a good option, I just need to get a good referral, since the last two didn't work out.
I do consider myself lucky. B. is a great guy.
I also found that doing it at night if he is away from home helps me relax more and become more productive.
To Glam and Yek-You guys are right. It's time for me to step up and stop being a spoiled brat;)
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
Hey, at least you're owning up to you 'spoiled brat' behavior ;)
Seriously though, if he's making the money and is the sole provider, that leaves you with the cleaning. It's only fair. But I still see it from your side as well. :)
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
modlgrl
Are you working? If so, since he pays the bills, why can't you pay for a maid to come over and clean? This is what I do, although my husband and I both work and I hate to clean. Maybe you can even stay and watch what they do if you don't want to pay for it all of the time. I know this sounds strange, but my place was an organizational disaster and I wanted to watch someone do all of the hard work, so then I could do the little things here and there.
Yeah, I am working. Lately, seven days a week. Between dancing and two film project.
Just lately, everytime I try to see if someone could recommend a cleaning service, something comes up at work.
I'll eventually find someone who is a good fit.
Re: Being the 'designated maid' (kinda long)
I'm thankful for this post and in a similar situation.
When i got pregnant (in June) my husband (boyfriend at the time) asked me to move in and stop working. Now to be fair i was already basically living there and hardly working. When we made the decision to make it official and i gave up my apartment and told the club I wasn't coming back, to him this automatically meant that I took on all the household chores. including all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, personal assisting type tasks. Looking back i realize we never even really discussed it, it just kind of fell into place. Well let me tell you, I fucking hated the cleaning and definitely cried about it at times. A lot of that was first tri mester hormones mind you but i was still miserable. I've never really "liked" cleaning to begin with, I never lived in filth but a little mess doesn't bother me. Well we live in a brand new house, so everything is basically spotless and my "job" is to keep it that way. There is no clutter and there is no real camouflage for the dirt. At first cleaning was a constant source of anxiety and guilt. He provides this amazing life for me, bought me a new car, gives me cash, pays all the bills, basically gives me anything I want and i still hated cleaning and was resentful he didn't help.
I finally made a decision to stop pouting about it and I found a book that was really helpful called speed cleaning, i figured if i had to do it, i might as well do it as efficiently as possible. Someone on here also mentioned www.flylady.net and that helped me set some small goals for myself and the house. For me it has kind of worked itself out. I love living in a clean house and I know it makes him happy so i do it. I don't kill myself to make it perfect but i try my best. I remember the times in my life when i struggled and i take a moment to appreciate what I have now and I scrub away. Then as soon as he comes home I drag him through every room so he can tell me how nice it looks and smells and praise me for being so awesome. Haha! This is what works for me.