Re: Have you ever been raped?
I was raped for the first time when I was 11, by a 17-year-old boy from a neighborhing town. Word travelled quickly through my hometown. From the time I was about 12 until I was 16, I was raped regularly and by many different guys. I tried pressing charges once (against a guy who was 27), but it caused so many problems with my parents and I was blamed for it.
I remember being raped in front of about 7 males and 2 females one Halloween night. I remember being strangled and hit by a guy at school who was angry that I confessed to my friend (who was thinking of dating him) that he had raped me; I got suspended from school for telling her about it, and my parents said, "That's what happens when you date a black guy."
I didn't have consensual sex with anyone until I was 16, but I had a reputation for being a slut. Worse, the rumors all said, "She likes to play hard-to-get, but she never really means it. She really loves sex." After the first few times, I just stopped fighting altogether. I would guess that in those four years, I was probably raped by a different guy at least once or twice a month, on average. A couple of months ago, three of the guys that had been there for that Halloween walked into my stripclub (and one of those guys had actually raped me) and tipped me on-stage.
Then I got into a relationship after my first marriage broke up with a guy who was VERY abusive, physically and sexually. He's the one who still gives me nightmares.
Then a couple of summers ago, I went out with a friend's brother-in-law one night. He and his wife had been separated for months, and we slept together (consensually). During the week after we were together, he reconciled with his wife. The next weekend he came to see me. He told me he wanted to go "riding around" to explain things to me about why he reconciled with his wife. I told him there was nothing to explain, etc. To make a long story short, he insisted that he wanted to tell me what happened, and I got into his pickup because I knew that his wife would kill ME if she found his truck outside my house. We ended up in the country about 5 miles outside of town, and he was drinking a lot more than I realized. He raped me vaginally and anally. That was probably the most violent rape I ever had.
The next night, his wife "called me out" of my friend's house. I stood on the front lawn as she yelled profanities at me, and I was polite and respectful and didn't argue with her when she accused me of f***ing her man. She (luckily, because this was one BIG scary woman) tired of me and stormed off. I returned to my friend's living room and sat down. He came in and said, "What were you thinking, sleeping with him?" By now I was crying. I looked at him and said, "It wasn't consensual." He asked me why I took the verbal beating and threats from the wife. I said, "If I told the truth, she wouldn't believe me anyways, so what's the point?" He agreed.
I've kind of come to the point where these stories don't bother me anymore. Sometimes I'll be talking to my fiance and one of these stories comes up, and he can't stand to even hear it. He says that what disturbs him the most is not the story, but the fact that I don't even see it as really being a big deal. I guess I've already come to terms with it. I was raped. Many times. Eventually you just kind of learn to numb yourself and deal with it.
Re: Have you ever been raped?
wow morgan. you've been through alot.
ive leaned that it is not possible to get over things, but to get through them. and that you cant ignore something, and get over it. i think counseling would be very beneficial to you if you have health insurance even if you dont i want you to truly examine your past, and the ways that it affects you today.
you are a survivor, a true survivor, and i am proud of you for keeping your strength:hug: :hug:
Re: Have you ever been raped?
Morgan, I've got nothing to say but this: :grouphug:
Your story sounds a lot like what happened to a friend of mine. She was molested repeatedly by her youth pastor's son when she was 12. He talked about it, and she got a reputation for being a "slut." Her family was religious and conservative, and she was afraid to talk to them about it. She was actually terrified that they would find out she was "easy." She often dated "tough" older guys -- maybe she was looking for a protector. She was scared of sex and didn't want to have sex with her much older "boyfriends" (i.e. child molestors) but because of her reputation, they would force it on her anyway.
I wanted desperately to help her, but she asked me not to say anything. Once she and I were at the house of her boyfriend-of-the-moment, and some of his friends. We were both 16 and they were all in their 20's and 30's. I remember he came into the living room and kind of grabbed her from behind and started groping her in front of all of us. She was embarrassed and said no, and he started dragging her off, into his bedroom. She was saying no the entire time and then he locked the door behind them and it was quiet. I knew something bad was happening to my friend and I asked his friends to do something, to stop him, or call the police. They laughed at me, pretended they didn't know what was wrong. I could tell they had nothing but contempt for my friend, and me. It was like they didn't even see us as people. I was so afraid, climbing up the walls. I tried to sneak out of the room and find a phone to call help, but this guy followed me into the kitchen and backed me against the wall, trying to soothe me and distract me, offering me a beer. I went back in the room and started knocking on the bedroom door, telling my friend that we had to go somewhere and we were going to be late, but nobody answered, and again his friends started talking to me and pulling me away. About twenty minutes later she came out of the room and she looked just awful. I got her coat and got her in the car and drove her home. She cried the whole way, but when I wanted to call the police she told me nothing happened.
To this day, I feel so guilty for what happened to her. I'm so angry at every single person in that house. They were grown-ups and they knew what was happening and they didn't care. They were completely complicit in what happened. I also feel bad about what I did -- my memories of the whole thing are so weirdly calm. I was trying to figure out what to do and standing by helpless. I should have freaked out, kicked the door down, and burned that whole fucking house to the ground with everyone in it. You can't apologize enough for something like that. After that, our friendship was really strange. We could never talk about that night. I felt so guilty and bad for not helping her, and maybe she felt strange around me, too. We were never really close again. Up until then, she had been my best friend my whole life.
Re: Have you ever been raped?
Re: Have you ever been raped?
Re: Have you ever been raped?
:'( This thread is so powerfully sad. I wish I could hold everyone here and tell them it's going to be okay.
I can't remember who said it earlier in the thread but I am also afraid of being too forceful when I'm with a woman. I tend to put them on a pedestal and want to make them feel good and be gentle with them. A lot of them wanted me to hurt them and I have a huge mental hurdle to get over to do that with women unless I know they are a hardcore masochist. Even if that is what they want, I definitely can't humiliate a woman. I can beat the shit out of consenting men though.
Re: Have you ever been raped?
:hug: to Morgan, because I can relate to your story so very well.
:hug: to all of those offering their support. That's what I love about this community.