ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
I know this is long and I have also posted this on my blog, but I really desperately need advice, constructive criticism, whatever. I am really struggling with this and I'm not sure the best day to handle it.
I have a friend who I have been friends with since age 10. So, 18 years. She is bi-polar, schizophrenic, has severe sleep disorders and several other serious medical problems, both real and imagined. She has no other friends....literally. Everyone we were mutual friends with pretty much wants nothing to do with her b/c of her constant need for drama and attention. She also has ZERO relationships with her family. So I am pretty much all she has, and she acknowledges that all the time. I guess I should also mention that she has money problems, so I always end up paying when we go out to the bar or Starbucks or where ever. I also pick her up, as she has no car. I NEVER complain and I'm always the one offering....she does NOT expect any of this, for the most part. Anytime I want to go out, she tells me she has no money and I tell her it's no big deal, I have it covered. I NEVER make her feel as if I'm bothered by it.
Anyways, she truly only seems to be "happy" when I am miserable right along with her. Every time things go well for me, she finds something to flip out at me about and send me mean and purposely hurtful emails, texts, etc. And she always puts me down when I'm happy about anything.
For example, I get a promotion at work, and I randomly start getting messages like "I'm sorry that I don't have a good job like yours and I can't afford to go out. I don't want to be a burden to you anymore, so I guess this is it. We shouldn't be friends anymore"
I get a new car, an '08 Jetta, and her first words are "Hmmm, I saw a 90 year old man, driving slower than hell driving this exact car, rims and all" (b/c I'm sure she remembered exactly what his rims looked like as he was driving past)
Yet another example....I have a great relationship with a guy who always includes my friend on anything we do with his friends or whatever, he goes out of his way to invite her and makes her feel welcome, etc. He treats me great, makes me happier than ever, everything is going great....and I get messages like this, "Obviously you don't want me around, all you do is spend time with him and I never see you anymore, Enjoy your new friends. I can't be friends with you anymore" (I'd like to point out that this isn't even true, I don't get to spend nearly as much time with him as I'd like to b/c we have opposite work schedules. she knows this, but it doesn't seem to sink into that brain of hers....she sees what she wants I guess)
I could go on and on and list example after example, but I don't have that time, you don't have that time to read this and this will be long enough on its own. And these just aren't single messages here and there. This will go on all night. Yesterday alone, I had 14 texts from her and I replied 8 times.
Every 1-2 years, we get into some kind of fight and then we don't talk for about 6 months at all, and we always end up talking again and I always treat it like nothing ever happened.
Also, she is very jealous of my other friends and every time I go out with anyone that isn't her, I have to hear about it for days at a time. But I can't invite her along, b/c she hates everyone and generally treats my friends like shit. So when I go out with other people, I usually lie to her and tell her I'm staying in for the night to avoid the fight. She's worse than any jealous boyfriend I've ever had.
So, I am at the point where I am seriously considering ridding my life of her. She really brings me down, I constantly have to tiptoe around her and make her the center of my attention....or else I feel the "wrath of ******". My family cares about her, b/c she has problems, but they can't stand what she does to me. My friends can't understand why I'm with her. I've also had a couple of guys break up with me in part b/c they can't stand to be around her, not to mention that she has sex with half of their friends and creates all kinds of drama with that. In fact, my last boyfriend, after we broke up, had a heart to heart with me and flat-out told me that she single-handedly will bring me down. Emotionally, morally, professionally, etc. He told me that I was too good of a person to be around her and that she is a cancer to me. His words have stayed with me, b/c sadly, he is not the first person in my life to say exactly that.
I know all of these people are right, but I can't help but feel obligated to be her friend, and be there for her. And the truth is, she is the one person I KNOW I could rely on when I really need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to. (Although now I see that it's b/c she thrives on my misery and unhappiness). She and I have been through so much together, both good and bad....and I would feel so guilty walking away. She's not always like this, but this happens at least 1-2x/month and on a bigger scale at least every year or two.
I just don't know how to deal with this. Is it OK to walk away? How do I even go about doing that? Does it make me a horrible person to even have these thoughts? Is it worth continuing to be friends with her if it negatively affects my own mental stability?
Please note, I realize she's bipolar and that she has a lot of other mental and physical issues that contribute to much of this, but does that give her the right to treat me like shit and put me on an emotional roller coaster ride?
Blah. I know this is all over the place, but my brain is mush, I'm really upset and don't know what to do.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
This is going to sound obvious, but...wow she is REALLY insecure. The fact that she thrives upon your unhappiness, and guilt trips you every time something good happens to you that doesn't happen to her -- shows it. It sounds like her life sucks and she KNOWS it, so she figures that maybe her life won't suck as much in comparison if she tries to give you "put-downs" or belittle you down to her level. I hate people like that.
I had a "friend" a few years ago who was a pathological liar, simply because her life sucked and she wanted to sound better/more important than she was...and she did some of the same tactics to me, trying to put me down or make me feel less confident. She also lacked a car or money, and had me carting her around or paying her way...ughhhhh I felt the same way that you do now, except it was a lot easier for me to rid myself of that girl, since I only knew her for a few months(as opposed to 18 yrs). The loser ex that I sued in court was somewhat remotely like this in a few ways, too. And admittedly there were times in the past where I was a little like that too, back when I wasn't able to secure a good job, when my family didn't want anything to do with me(partly because of the job problem). I realize now that the reason I acted like that was because of insecurity, and a fear that things would NEVER get better. Thankfully I'm not like that now.
This girl is pathetic because she is obviously unhappy with her life, but doesn't do anything to change it. She just doesn't get it! She seems to think that belittling you down to her level will make her sad life look "better", but that's NOT how things work! It's like that line from the movie Mean Girls -- "Calling someone fat won't make you thinner," etc. Instead of putting down others around her, and being mean or dramatic to your friends, why don't she work on changing herself? For starters, why don't she try to find a better paying job so that she can afford her own car and her own Starbucks coffee?...would stripping be possible for her, or do you think it would destroy her more than help her? Ugh people like this frustrate me.
I don't claim to have the best advice here, but here's what I think you should do: Perhaps you need to have a blatant discussion with her about the things that are bothering you. Perhaps you could also help her get involved with things that are of interest to her(hobbies, activitist movements, etc), and/or help her to find a better paying job. Basically things that will help improve her life, and hopefully also improve her self esteem a little bit.
If she acts unmotivated and nothing good comes of it, you might have to break yourself away from her. It can be hard, especially since you've known her for most of your life, but admittedly some of your ex-boyfriends are right...she is pulling you down, especially with the way she has you give rides and pay her way all the time. Yeah it sucks to ditch her if she has no other friends, but:
a) She is a big girl now, 28, and should be able to pay her way like an adult. She needs to start acting like it!
b) You are the only one she has left, and maybe when you leave, she will get a reality check (hopefully?) and start doing things differently.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
Thanks....ugh, as long as that post was (mine), that doesn't even describe 1/2 of it. She doesn't have a job, b/c she's on disability due to her bipolar disorder and sleeping issues. (She also severly abuses her sleepong pills and anxiety meds)
I've tried to encourage her to find a pt job that pays under the table, so it doesn't interfere with her disability payments, I've encouraged her to go to school and I've encouraged her to volunteer somewhere. I don't mind paying for things when we go out, b/c it's not all that often...I just want her to get out of the house and interact with PEOPLE! I've said things jokingly to her after we "make up" after a fight (that she always causes) along the lines of "What are you gonna do if I don't ever forgive you?" and she just laughs it off.
She is very mentally taxing and draining on me, b/c I can't take it when I get these crazy messages about how selfish I am, I never spend time with her (I see her at least 1-2x/wk), she can't stand being friends with me, "enjoy your new friends" (referring to my bf's friends)....and god forbid I tell her I hung out with any other females aside from her.....I never hear the end of it.
I know she's insecure (her choices in men are more than pathetic) and I know it's probably best for me to bed rid of her completely, but I don't know how to do it. We've often gone on spells of her picking fights and not talking to me for MONTHS, and I always take her back as a friend when she calls or we bump into each other.
And for the record, over the years, i've tried to talk to her rationally and calmly about this ....in one ear and out the other, She hears what she wants.
I shouldn't feel obligated to talk to her, should I? I don't feel I deserve this treatment and I know it will never end, this has been an on-going issue for pretty much 15 years.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
OMG I so did this a year ago, with 2 like, 10 page letters detailing and calling her out on everything, while expressing myself and still being rational and sad. I think of her all the time still. It's really tough, and amazing how close it can feel to a breakup. Maybe some aspects even moreso, bc you expect drama from bf's in life, but chicks are closer w/each other (reading minds and stuff) and it just ain't supposed to happen. Sux.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
life is too short to be so connected to a toxic person not to mention your cutting off the friendship might end up being the thing that she needs to stop being toxic to herself and those around her.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Alaska
OMG I so did this a year ago, with 2 like, 10 page letters detailing and calling her out on everything, while expressing myself and still being rational and sad. I think of her all the time still. It's really tough, and amazing how close it can feel to a breakup. Maybe some aspects even moreso, bc you expect drama from bf's in life, but chicks are closer w/each other (reading minds and stuff) and it just ain't supposed to happen. Sux.
So you still don't speak to this person? I'm afraid if I do it in letter-form and explain myself, it will give her an opening to beg me to stay friends with her, or somehow read what she wants and continue to turn it around on me. I think if I'm gonna cut her from my life, I need to just stop taking her calls (starting Thursday of this past week) and just never speak or respond to her again. Although, based on the text messages that keep coming though, she is already saying that I'm doing this for my boyfriend, apparently it has nothing to do with her messages and idiocy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Tara_SW
life is too short to be so connected to a toxic person not to mention your cutting off the friendship might end up being the thing that she needs to stop being toxic to herself and those around her.
I agree, but I fear for her well-being. She constantly mixes ambien, xanax, depakote and more pills......and sometimes she adds alcohol to the mix. I can tell by her grammar in my txts amd emails that she is doingthat a LOT. I try to be a positive influence on her but obviously it doesn't help. I'm afraid she will die and I would feel so guilty for not being there, but I realize I can't base an entire friendship on guilt. Which I why I'd like to cut her out.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
I think first you need to realize that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER LIFE. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat these words. I AM ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF, FOR MY HAPPINESS, FOR MY WELL BEING, AND FOR KEEPING MY MIND, BODY AND ENVIRONMENT SAFE AND HAPPY. I realize how selfish this sounds but it reality it is true, she makes you feel like shit because YOU have given her that control over you TO DO SO. I learned something a long time a go that has stuck with me all these years.
And it is this- NO one can MAKE me feel a certain way UNLESS i give them the power and control to do so.
Your relationship with her sounds incredibly co-dependant and unhealthy (which you already know)
Personally I think just disappearing off the face of the earth would confuse her, instead you have to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is the end, you are sorry her life sucks but you will no longer allow yourself to be dragged down with her. You Love yourself TOO MUCH to allow this to go on for one minute longer, Tell her you will not be accepting texts or calls or any communication. And then you have to stick to your guns and walk away without looking back. Sure she might say its because of your bf or whatever else, but that doesn't matter, you made your reasons clear if she wants to construe them that is her choice but you are ending it knowing that you were upfront and truthful.
I know you worry about her because she has no one else, but there are professionals who deal with that stuff, maybe even call her Dr and let him know about the pill abuse.
Honestly i think you walking away will be good for her in the long run, as long as you stick around as her whipping girl she never has to grow up and face her issues.
I'm sorry i wrote another book, reading this post got me all fired up.
All i have to say is no one should ever make you feel the way this girl does, and no one ever has to again. Once you realize that you love yourself enough to put you first and to not give up the control to let people treat you like shit.
Let us know what happens :)
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
Thank you, you're right. She was sending more texts last night about how I'm selfish and never there for her. Now this morning, it's "I actually fell asleep at 11 and woke up at 9. can you believe it?!" ....like nothing ever happened and she didn't flip out at me forthe past 2 straight days. For no reason. :O
I will have to put something together, letter-wise, so she knows where I stand. You're right about that, that she'd be confused, etc....this way, she'll misconstrue it however she wants, but hopefully deep inside, she'll know she needs to stop treating people like this.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
^^ You are so on the right track.
I think you will be very relieved once you get it over with!
Just think about all the room you are making in your life for positive things once you drop all this negative baggage.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
This person is definitely toxic and cannot be a good friend to you!
YES it is okay to walk away. You are only doing yourself a favor, and you are doing her a favor by not enabling this kind of behavior. The longer you stay in this friendship, the more you allow her to pull a bunch of crap that will drag you down. It's good that you are realizing it now, and I hope you can find the strength to follow through.
You say you don't know how to do it? Same thing you do with an ex. Stop calling, stop accepting calls and maybe even change your number.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
She's offering you an out. The next time she says "I guess we can't be friends anymore," you can tell her she's right, guess you can't. Have a nice life.
Maybe when she's all by herself she'll grow up and work on improving herself. It's possible.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Hello_Kitty27
I will have to put something together, letter-wise, so she knows where I stand. You're right about that, that she'd be confused, etc....this way, she'll misconstrue it however she wants, but hopefully deep inside, she'll know she needs to stop treating people like this.
She will, no doubt, misconstrue everything you say in the letter, but it sounds like you know it's the right thing. I had to 'dump' my best friend a couple years back and she still trys to call/text to harp on one little part of what I said. Missing all the rest. I have to ignore it, or she tries to lure me into the emotional vortex (that ongoing post-break up guilt convo that goes nowhere and makes you cry). Be strong!
Yes, part of me feels lonely without her, but I am so much healthier now. I'd rather have hardly any friends than a guilt inducing one.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
I dumped my best friend of 13 years. She was a girl with absoltuly no drive, no ambition. she was trash. Had 3 kids, terrible mother, collected welfasre and thought it was funny how much more she got after each kid. She lost custody for 2 years. Her husband never has a job, never helps with the kids, but she won't leave him. Ask her what she wants to do with her life, and she can't give an answer. Shejusthas no ambitions but to live in the same projects for the rest of her life and collect welfare. She depressed me, and I couldn't stand to talk to her. Same old shit, always. she complain bout hr husband, complain about being broke...but never trid to change it. I just couldn't stand to listen to her talk anymore...
So I jus tstopped taking her calls. She knew how i felt about her life, and how it made me sad.
You justhave to do what is best for yor own life.....if it means losing your best friend, it sucks...but thats what needs to be done to better your self.
good luck
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
I'm sorry - I know this is way off topic but I have to say that I am lusting over Kaylinn's avatar!!
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
iI had to 'break up' with my best friend of 13 years as well. Toughest thing I've ever done. I even left the door cracked so to speak so that once she got her head out of her ass I'd be willing to continue the friendship. I realized it made me feel like an ass to do so, because I was giving her license to have control over me. I also didn't want someone like she has morphed into in my life or meeting my future children.
Decided to close the book on the friendship. For good. I do not want to be friends anymore. She is too toxic.
It sucks and I still miss her at times. She drinks and drugs a lot and make me worry for her. But I am not responsible for her.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
I've had friends and bf's like that. Get rid of her and don't let her rent (or steal) anymore space in your head. Screw guilt. When a relationship costs you more than you gain from it, it needs to end.
Just a note, if she's as pathetic, dramaish, and lonely as she sounds, it's probably going to be for you to tell her to go away (no matter how you put it). She's going to flip and be in denial and possibly even try to screw you over in some way.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
Here's the update...I wanted to put together a well-thought-out letter for her, but she sent me a shitty text about my brother who died, and it struck a nerve. I immediately replied, via email though and responded to everything telling her how I felt. Wasn't as well-thought-out as I would have liked, since I was at a basketball game (it REALLY struck a nerve and unfortunately I have a blackberry, so I went off). I tried to keep it cordial and not bitch her out much....tuck to the fact.
Of course, she misconstrued EVERYTHING and texted and called a dozen times after she read her email.
We had previously had plans for last night to go to this specific bar for an event they had going on, and after all this, she sent me a text saying she was on her way there with some guy she met. She never showed, thankfully, but then I got another text saying she was at a different bar. It was so weird. Not sure what she was trying to accomplish there. But that's where it stands.
This is going to be a continuous struggle for me to stand my ground. I'm afraid I won't be able to and guilt will take over, but I KNOW that would be a mistake, as this will happen over and over again.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Hello_Kitty27
We had previously had plans for last night to go to this specific bar for an event they had going on, and after all this, she sent me a text saying she was on her way there with some guy she met. She never showed, thankfully, but then I got another text saying she was at a different bar. It was so weird. Not sure what she was trying to accomplish there. But that's where it stands.
Am I the only one who is thinking that the girl really didn't have plans with a guy she met, but just said that to look like she was "in demand" or was capable of making plans without you? Odds are, she didn't have anyone to go out with that night...or else she went out by herself. She probably mentioned "some guy" to make it seem like she was still able to find other friends/dates/etc, and then when she realized that you would notice her missing from the bar, she lied and said she was at another bar. It's a simple technique that a lot of insecure, needy people pull...including that girl I told you about before(the pathological liar), and (sadly) even including myself in the past. I used to pull tactics like this...guy would cheat on me, so I'd call him up and claim that I'd found a new guy, when in fact I was spending a Saturday night watching TV at home with my guy friend/roommate Revolution before Revolution had to leave for one of his political meetings he routinely attends. She's lying because she wants it to look as though she can still get through life without you.
I think it's about time that you break up with her and move on...enough's enough, she's old enough to act adult but isn't doing it, and you really shouldn't be dragged down so much. :-\
To be honest, I am a bit skeptical of the fact that she is "unable" to work because of depressing and mental health disabilities. This is going to sound insensitive and mean, but I honestly doubt a lot of people who use "depression" or "ADHD" as an excuse not to work. It sounds like an excuse...at the taxpayers' expense. That pathological liar girl who I was friends with, was like that...she claimed that she wouldn't be able to keep down a job when in fact she was at least half capable.
Re: ridding oneself of toxic people...who happen to be your "best friend" (long)
I had a friendship with some similarities. Two girls that were always insulting me and putting me down. Then when I tried to tell them to fuck off, they told me we were all going to be BFF forever. One day I got sick of it, walked out, and never spoke to them. I ignored their calls and emails. They sent me poetry and letters in the mail. Eventually I had some online communication with them, but I feel that my life (despite some shit) has been a million times more rewarding and drama free without them.
It was a really difficult thing to do. I had ZERO friends for a while and was very lonely. Fortunately you have a great support network. Ultimately, the only thing you can do is walk away.
To add: she is mentally ill, and it will get worse as she gets older if she doesn't seek some help, and most likely, medication. That's a tough call, true bipolar is tough to treat.