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What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
I've been away for over a year. I want to get back into the business.
In summer of 2006 I started a jewelry business off the proceeds of dancing. I had to continue dancing to support it, and I hadn't been smart enough to go in with another person, so I didn't have the energy to do all this and also market the business. Which of course crashed it.
By the time that happened, at the end of 2006, I was not doing very well as a dancer either: no one likes the girl who walks in depressed and cynical, who has been trying to sell things all day to an empty room before arriving at the club. So I quit it and decided to pursue another dream.
And this is the part where my story veers off into left field. I'm hoping I don't scare anyone off! I decided I would get a non-dancing job, and I went on testosterone for six months. I wasn't sure at that time whether I would continue with it and transition to a male gender identity, or just try it out for a while and become a little more in-between.
I ended up becoming a little more in-between, and not continuing after that.
My reasons are pretty complicated. I'll go into them if anyone is curious! I don't regret the experiment. Becoming a man just wasn't for me.
I couldn't get a job anywhere in Portland except in a call center, and aside from the lousy economy, this was at least half because I was walking into interviews feeling depressed and cynical.
But then, in July 07, I also finished my degree in creative writing. So with that degree, I got a job teaching college EFL classes in Asia. I'm not going to mention where in Asia, lest someone connect this with my other identity (well, it's OK if the locals here figure me out, but not OK if a future employer stumbles across me here!) That's what I'm doing right now. It's great because I've gotten to see places I've never been -- but I'm homesick and miss my spouses like crazy.
When I came, I was mostly thinking about teaching in the States -- but now I'm realizing that I really liked dancing, and I miss it, and I'm hoping I can give it another try when I get back to Portland!
My body's gone back to looking feminine. Tits and ass have rounded out. I have a lower voice; I used to sound high and squeaky enough that people dismissed me, and now I can go between alto and tenor at will. I'll need to wax my legs and probably get hair extensions.
I'll be returning home in a little over three months -- God, I miss things like half and half, cheese, and cooking ovens! -- and I'm going to try to get in shape for dancing again, in the meantime.
Any emotional support would be welcome...
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Wow, that is so amazing. Welcome back, sweetie.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Welcome back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
thechaosfairy
I ended up becoming a little more in-between, and not continuing after that.
My reasons are pretty complicated. I'll go into them if anyone is curious! I don't regret the experiment. Becoming a man just wasn't for me.
Put me in the land of the curious. If you're OK telling I'd be interested.
Phil.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Glad to see you back, wondered where you went.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
:party: Yaaay, Im so glad youre back!!! I wondered where the hell you went to, I think I posted the question a while back too somewhere.
Well it does sound like quite a journey youve been having. If you want to share your story then that would be cool, but if you dont then thats cool too. Im glad that youve no regrets though :)
Welcome back and good luck with returning to Portland and dancing again!
Ive changed usernames since you were last here, but you may recognise the hair or if I smile like this (-:
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Just to ask, but didn't taking T make changes to your bone structure (jawline, size of yr hands, feet..ect) that can't be reversed??
I personally never transitioned, but I have pushed my personal gender expression to every extreme as I would strip by day and then go do drag.
Anyhow I passed very easly even when I wasn't in drag for the most part becuz I'm very boyish and androgynious, but I did decide after many years to reclaim/embrace my more feminine side simply becuase it benifited me more in life and I made the choice to get a boob job that increased my income and such so I feel I have in many ways experienced alot in my life that goes beyound the norm interms of gender indentity and sex roles.
However even though I have changed my body in a way that is more visually feminine and defining to many and I work the look for a living and becuase some of it is most definately in me, but I still feel like the same butch women I have always been even if most my friends don't know me as Jeff or J.D. anymore if you get me.
Well hope for you that you are comfrontible in yr skin and that you made the best choice for you with the body you were given. Me I have always loved being a girl even if I most definately feel like I was meant to always be a gender bender and go from one extreme to the next interms of who i want to present myself. I never liked the idea of being limited or having to play by any1's rules becuase I was born w/ the body of a woman and a much more masculine mentality with lots of duality blended in.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
I'm so glad to hear from everyone!
Yes, MsQwerty, I remember you! Do you know you're at exactly 666 posts now? }:D
It's really reassuring and wonderful to know that some people here remember me, as I have very fond memories of this community and so many people in it.
During the latter part of my time as a dancer, when I was struggling with this decision, I felt like I wasn't a 'real' dancer and that my input wasn't valued here. I don't think it was a problem with SW, more with my head.
When I quit dancing and made such radical changes in my life, I didn't feel confident about posting; I didn't know what to say. So I went off for a while.
UV69, I get you. It's great to know another dancer who has similar gender identity struggles... Many people think of being a woman or a man as if it's totally natural for everyone, and it is for some, but not for everyone. I'm glad to meet another 'traveler'... I'm also a gender bender at heart, and one of the things that's difficult for me is that even when dressed as a boy I don't usually pass; on T, I did a little, but not often. Weirdly, in Asia I pass more often (double takes in the restroom etc) even though anyone in the US would read me as female right now -- this is because almost no women have short hair where I am!
To answer questions on the note of permanent changes, my jawline is a little wider, but not a lot. I like it -- it's more androgynous -- but it's not odd enough to cause problems. My clit is permanently a little bigger! So is my nose. But again, nothing I haven't seen on another woman before. Some people grow facial hair in the first year, others don't, and I didn't, so that's good as far as dancing goes.
Hands and feet don't really change very quickly (or at all in many cases) unless you're a teenager and your bones haven't fused. My friend who has been on T for twelve years, and gotten several surgeries, etc, has found his feet are one size bigger but his hands are still pretty small.
To answer Phil-W, above. I've never really felt like I'm a woman inside. I wasn't sure whether I was a man, either. I couldn't understand that side of myself better until I took the journey of acting and dressing the part and allowing my voice to drop so I was no longer as obviously female to everyone around me, and could be treated as a man sometimes. Once I reached that point, I realized I am not truly a man, either, at heart... more an androgyne. When I went to Asia, I stopped hormones because I couldn't resupply here and probably couldn't get testosterone through international customs; and it also gave me a reason to consider whether or not I wanted to continue past the point of no return.
For several months after that -- feeling in exile here, with a lot of time alone -- I questioned and considered myself and thought about what I wanted to do when I would return.
Recently I could have had the chance to get testosterone, and so those questions came faster, and I decided -- no. I want to return to living as a woman so I can enjoy the advantages of it the way I used to. I'm more content now in knowing all sides of myself than I was before. My voice is more flexible than it was. I speak in a normal alto range so it doesn't hinder my presenting as female, but I can also speak and sing lower if I need to. I used to be a high soprano, and many people thought I sounded like a child, which bothered me.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Welcome back honey!! Glad to hear youre figuring stuff out and I wish you the best
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
thechaosfairy!!
This is totally weird...but I was just thinking about you YESTERDAY and what an incredibly unique and cool person you are, how I always wanted to meet you, and wondering where the hell you went.
Now, that couldn't just be coincidence...
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
I was just thinking about you the other day, too. Wondering if you were still in the dancin' biz in Portland. I think we worked together at Nicolai...Anyway, I think it's awesome that you have been traveling and teaching! And I wish you lots of luck if you return to dancing. Let me know if you need anything in PDX!
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Dottie, I'd like to meet you too! And no coincidence, I've had that happen too many times to write it off rationalistically. One time I was traveling through California and wanting to get in touch with an old friend/lover but had lost his phone number. Then while staying by the ocean (always of portent, in my world) I dreamed of him, and over the next few days, as I kept thinking of him, the number came to me digit by digit... and I dialed it and got him on the first try.
sun child, it's wonderful to know I have allies... especially in Portland. For a while it felt as if the whole industry hated me. I was kind of chemically depressed and you know how that gets: garbage out, garbage back! I'll be glad to get in touch when I'm back. PM me and let me know where you're working now... Nicolai is off the map for me for a couple of reasons, alas (personal conflict with bartender, general awfulness of Rockstar) but places go up and down all the time and I'm sure I can get my groove back somewhere friendly.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
^ I don't work there anymore, either. Rock Star was putting 3 girls on shift and lying to me about it. As in, they would say "There will be 2 girls! Work tonight!" and then I'd show up and there would be 3 girls, always. 20% less income for sun child. Eventually I just went back to the Dolphin clubs to make better money.
Glad you'll be coming back.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
The night I got semi-demi-fired they had four (or was it FIVE?) girls, one of whom was running around accusing people of stealing the drugs she had in her locker.
I don't think *she* got fired. I got fired for asking the bartender to mediate a dispute and then getting really upset and crying when he got angry at me for it. Rockstar is like that.
That was pretty much my most hellish night as a dancer, ever. It didn't help that I was drunker than I usually ever get, and *that* was because I was badly anxious; my crashing business made it imperative that I make some good money for rent, and that night I made all of $35 working my ass off. Good times. After that point I swore off Rockstar. Fowevah. Yay!
I've heard much about the Dolphin clubs but always felt too intimidated... This time I'm hoping I can make it out there. :-)
I'm sort of rebooting my life this year. Antidepressants, working on my self-esteem, promising myself that if I don't dig myself *into* the hole anymore I won't get all fucked up trying to get back out. My father took over my credit card debt and I'm paying him back, so I don't have to deal with interest anymore. My current job is just treading water (paying a lot by this country's standards, but most is going to rent back home) but even that is more than I could do for a while, and it makes me feel useful and intelligent. I have so many challenges in the next three months -- get in shape, teach more challenging material, pay off my (smaller) vacation debt, sell my writing, maybe even prepare to go back to school yet again -- and it seems a difficult juggling act but achievable.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
It's really nice to see you back around. I often wondered what happened to you. Glad to hear you're in a good place now.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Thanks, Susan. I know I never managed to make it to your book club. Maybe next time around. :-)
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
I'm so glad you're back! I always wondered what happened to you.
I hope everything works out for you and don't disappear anymore!
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
thechaosfairy
To answer Phil-W, above. I've never really felt like I'm a woman inside. I wasn't sure whether I was a man, either. I couldn't understand that side of myself better until I took the journey of acting and dressing the part and allowing my voice to drop so I was no longer as obviously female to everyone around me, and could be treated as a man sometimes. Once I reached that point, I realized I am not truly a man, either, at heart... more an androgyne...
I'm more content now in knowing all sides of myself than I was before. My voice is more flexible than it was. I speak in a normal alto range so it doesn't hinder my presenting as female, but I can also speak and sing lower if I need to. I used to be a high soprano, and many people thought I sounded like a child, which bothered me.
Thanks for the answer - looks like you've been on a personal learning experience that's outside of most people's experiences.
You've done something very few of us are likely to so, which is see life from both sides of the 'gender' fence.
If it's not too intrusive a question, if you had to make up a list of pro's and con's, what would you say the advantages and disadvantages were of being a man and a woman.
Phil.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Yay PDX pride. Welcome back!
Right now I am no longer dancing. I work still in the sex industry a bit (managing advertising for providers). It's strange to not have it part of my mental landscape as constantly anymore. You're returning to PDX at a great time, as the days grow longer. Look forward to spring. :)
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Well, I'm not actually going to be back until June. But I'm full of hope (no small thanks to finding the right antidepressant) and looking forward to it just the same. :-)
Phil W, the answer to your question is *really* complicated, and people have written entire books about it... much better than any tangled answer I could give you in a paragraph. I recommend a book called Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent, who passed far better than I did, did it for a year, and can report on lots of male spaces...
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
^^^
Thanks - I'll try and get a copy via my local library.
Phil.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
TCF,
I think you are rad.
But I think I may have already said it.
But yeah.
Rad.
;D ;D ;D
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Oh, I'm so glad you're back, too. I always liked you and now you're even cooler. :-)
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
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I'll give a brief pro-con list in answer to Phil
But there is to many factors to be comparative soo this is just from my experience and POV where it would very from person to person who has experienced what it is like to be seen as another gender or sex.
By mind I only passed as a 16yr old boy sometimes when I had a fade/shaved head, dressed more or less collared shirts, baggy jeans or shirts and slacks.
Anyhow almost instantly i felt I was treated with more respect--called sir when some1 addressed me, was giving more credit for my ablities and given responiblities at work (at regualr jobs), I was given more trust, mothers wanted to set me uo with thier daughters, atlot more people were interested in my charcter and what I did oppossed to my looks, even then those that found me attractive found me attractive becuase of minor things they noticed like my viens, scent, my hands, the way I walked or style. i got hit on by alot of gaymen as well as young girls who believes we were the same age.
Now when I didn't exzactly pass or it wasn't in my favor to have a masculine appearence there was a look of confusion, fear, alot of homophobia, I had the ultimate gay props in terms of street cred among those in the GLBT except from some strict feminism lesbians, alot of poeple believed I was in transition or wanted to be a man when I never did even though I paased I just felt more myself and for many reasons wanted to show the world that I was a gay masculine female with no shame about it.
Ok so when i went ultra blonde stripper i felt all the attention was on my looks, i nolonger felt safe walking across the street or an empty parking lot as I was stalked by pervs. I did do it for money and power, but I had it with the cost being veiwed as a sex object, i was invisible gay with lots of sexual offers from other women who assumed I was bi, but no realtionship outside of sex came from any of that, it was alittle sad to me that my body, looks, ect how much better I looked as a girl (when I always have been a woman) was #1 convo before how are you doing? ect..ect I hated it and felt it was fake of me and if it wasn't that I made soo much money it wouldn't have taken me soo long to say forget it.
Now I'm sort of in another transitional stage where I'm visiually alterative and gender flexible to either extreme becuz I'm trying to find a happy middel ground that will work for me. Being enjoying male previledge as a gay female seems wronge to me when I have no desire to be a man(exspecailly as a limited 16yr old male) and living life as a openly gay posterboi opens up alot of hardship in this world. While using my body as a means of money and power works it's at a price that actaully makes me real sad for women in general. So i just do my best recreating my image as I go now to fit my needs.There are days I'll go put on the girlist sexy outfit for work and then walk out of there being confused by my coworkers for a guy. Other days I'll go all out femme to a lesbian club simply to remind them that I'm still female even though the next I'm up on stage doing drag and thay are all calling me Jeff cheering me on. I really don't see the difference in me by what I wear--i always feel like and am the exzact same person, but I've learned alot in that most people are soo blinded by what they see they couldn't tell what is what if it's in heels and makeup or if it's in a suit. to them image=sex when to me it's just another custome I put on and take off.
I guess if I put on a white jacket and walk around a hopsital then most people would believe I was a doctor.
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Re: What a long strange trip it's been... Girl to boy to teacher to girl again.
Hi Lena and folks upthread, I'm happy to see that people I remember well also remember me...
UV69, yeah, exactly. In some ways your experience is very similar to mine. Part of the reason why I went on T was because I wanted to be out of the 'costume' ... and part of the reason why I went off was because I decided I'd been happier using any and all costumes to my advantage.
I still love drag king performance as well. I've done king and queen performances, once in the same two-song set, stripping from full male drag to naked to full female drag... A friend of mine has ties with the gay community in this rather repressive country, and I'm hoping that before I go home, I'll have a chance to visit her city and introduce the art of masculine drag to bars which have only ever seen or heard of drag queens. That would be incredibly exciting.
Weirdly... I've never felt guilty about trying to acquire male privilege, but I've felt abashed / too shy to go after it; I've sometimes felt guilty about going after female privilege. I guess it bothers me more to feel like I'm lying in a way such that everyone believes me.
But now, since my brief time on hormones, because my voice now spans feminine and masculine, I don't feel like I'm lying anymore -- any more than a businessman is lying when he puts on a necktie in the morning. After all, he wasn't born feeling it was 'natural' to wear a necktie... My body is my body and my mind is my mind, and I feel, now, that the more costumes I wear, the closer I get to the truth. :-)