Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
I wound up in a long, painful, tiring, and depressing AIM convo this morning and was basicly forced to realise that I have roughly the same emotional range as a soup spoon.
The problem is that I have virtually no fight in me. When somebody gives the slightest hint of wanting to argue with me, I just lay right down on the floor and await the beating. This goes for both physical and verbal/emotional beatings. I learned early on that you take the hits you can't avoid and don't ask for any more.
I'm actually flat out incapable of accurately expressing anger. I havn't yelled at anybody literally since 6th grade...that was eight years ago. I just cram it down and if it's really REALLY bad I hurt myself in some manner to help a little. When people are angry, disappointed, or anything negative towards me, I literally have a single emotional reaction for it all...curl up in a little ball and cry usually with some level of fear mixed in.
When I was a kid, one of the earliest things I remeber being taught was to keep out of the way and to only be seen and never heard. This taught me to be amazingly good at blending in with crowds/walls and to never ever speak up which has helped me to become really shy. That lead to me understanding why I have a penchant for fashion...it gives me a dose of attention for being seen and I never have to open my mouth!
I also learned early on the good ole' fashioned Buddhist concept that to have desire causes pain. I learned early in my jacked lil' family that if I actually said I wanted something, I pretty much guaranteed I wouldn't get it. If I kept my desires to myself I stood a half-chance of getting what I wanted and if I in fact didn't want it, I might actually stand a good chance of getting something. I associate wanting anything with pain and failure which means I'm afraid to even set small goals cause if I fail at them it's gonna hurt.
So to simplify...
Normal person's emotional range: l---------------l
My emotional range:l-----l
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!1/1/11/one one?
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
I bet that can be terribly frustrating. Invest in some therapy?
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
I'm sorry, I can't follow. Do you just avoid confrontation? I remember you having some strong sentiments about hippies.
And so what if you never yell at anyone? It's a very good angle. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer or whatev. If you want to express anger it's a good deal better to channel it into fashion, art, poetry - anything productive. Hitting and screaming another person are not.
You've probably just got better control and values than some of the people you're comparing yourself to.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
I am okay with internet confrontation cause it's not real...well it is, but I'm hidden behind a keyboard and so is the person I'm going against and the worst that can happen is I get chaised off a bord for a while or get infractionized.
As for anger...it's not a matter of channeling it. I just don't get angry. I remember in seventh grade when a teacher attempted to get me angry as a way to get me out of my shell a little, she stuck her fist out to my stomach, ordered me to lean into it and get angry...the only reaction I was capable of was crying, no anger at all. It's not a matter of controling anger, it's more the fact that I don't seem to posess the depth to actually expiriance anger.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
Ms. Qwerty had this really awesome list of stuff she posted for Lysondra in Lysondra's thread on "why am I depressed." It's on Page three. check it out and see if any of that would help you-- but yes, you definitely need a trained professional to help you.
that's not healthy.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
You know, some people say that people really get sad before they get angry and that they just don't realize that.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
I've been in therapy 3 times before...I can't deal with paying for false pity. The last time I had to go in was for an eating disorder and I lasted one session. The woman was asking me about my past and commenting on "what a surviver I am" and by the end of it I couldn't get out of the office fast enough! The other two run-ins with therapists were as a kid. One told my mom I was suicidal, so she took me to another one in hopes of a different verdict, but he just told her I was suicidal too and that was the end of that, lol.
Besides, I can't afford the false pity even if I could stomach it.
As for that list in Lysondra's thread...it's all well and good, but for the vast majority of it I either know already that I exist off an extremely unhealthy diet, I usually get too little sleep, and I never slow down. The semi-exhausted zombie-state this enduces is condusive to not looking back for my past is like the big sign on the treasure map saying "Here There Be Monsters." My deluded little theory is a continuous run forward will allow said deamons to not catch up to me. Yes, I know it dosn't actually work that way, but there is no law saying I can't delude myself.
For happiness, the best I do in the happiness area is getting loaded on X and inducing it chemically. For day to day living, I'm not particularly happy or sad, I'm more or less sort of floating along in life's currents like some little stripper jellyfish. Full-blown happyness is not an emotion within my range and thus it can only be achieved through the use of drugs.
The living up to other people's standards thing has me solidly screwed. I'm pretty sure I was born without any ability to have a natural concept of self-worth. I base my worth purely and entirely off what other people think of me since my own oppinion of myself dosn't seem to actually exist. It's another reason why I'm super fashion concious...if I look really good in other people's oppinions, then it elevates my synthetic levels of self-worth.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
A lot of the thoughts and symptoms (for lack of a better word) point to depression. With that said.....
Not getting angry isn't necessarily a bad thing. Traits like shyness and being calm/collected are not highly valued in American society. We tend to promote aggressiveness, bullying, and the like (road rage, anyone?)
They have done studies on this topic. Preschool children in the US/Canada tend to want to be friends with loud, bossy kids. Kids in asian countries choose playmates who were "shy" and "sensitive".
I bring this up because I have a similer problem, although I don't consider it to be a problem anymore. I can honestly say that I've gotten mad to the point of yelling THREE times in my adult life.
Sure, things upset me...but like you, my range of emotion doesn't swing very far. In theory, someone could walk up to me, punch me in the face and call me a whore...I wouldn't even blink. I'd probably offer to bake them cookies.
My ex used to yell at me (!) for "not sticking up for myself" or "being passive". I just don't think thats the problem.
There are just different types of people in this world. And both extremes...people who fly off the handle for no reason, and people who keep everything inside. I tend to look at my temperment as a blessing. People may think I'm shy, a pushover, or I just don't care, when in actuality, all that time I don't spend getting angry, stressing out, and fighting.....I'm thinking clearly, making well-thought out decisions, and moving on.
Even though my response, ahem, lack of response is instinctual, I'm pretty damn sure that if I tried to change it, I'd be a lot unhappier.
What you need to focus on more is how you said you get sad and fearful when someone yells at you. You can't let all these feelings build up inside like that! You know you are worth more then that! You don't have to yell or fight to make those feelings go away, but you need to find another way to get those emotions out. If you feel this is more related to depression, if you feel mentally "foggy", or are holding on to things people have said or done that you didn't react to.....definitly look into some of the advice that has been offered in this thread and the current thread on depression.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
I know where your coming from. Its like my anger button has been broken. Even in the middle of piles of disrespect, and drama, i can't show any real emotion. One of my exes used to make a game out of trying to provoke me into getting visibly angry. RIght up until he realized that, visibly angry, for me, is two words away from complete breakdown. My version of "angry" is the occassional sarcasm.
Its weird. I don't develop crushes(the one i have right now is LITERALLY the first crush in about five years), no matter how "attached" i am to a friend or SO, i can't get upset about a breakup, beyond an online rant or a nightmare or two.
Even when I AM exceptionally emotional, i can't show it to people. Liek you said, its become associated wiht failure to me. My ex friend who was here, and insulting me? Yeah, we never really talked about it, i just REALLY held my tongue and stopped talking to her, since she wouldn't stop talking about things i had told her NOT to talk about. By all rights, I should have chewed her ass out for her behavior. But only now, that she's finally gone, am I letting myself get outwardly upset.
Goddamn defense mechanisms. I swear, if i wasn't such a bitch I'd say i'm the most agreeable person in the world. Because the proper emotions aren't there.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
from someone with rage issues ill say that i envy you.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
I'll be the insensitive one and chalk it up to age. Do any of you ladies in your late 20s, 30s or beyond agree? Early 20s were like that, at least for me, emotions are still wild, I mean, not like at the level of puberty or something, but it was just hard to keep a level head and express yourself.
I think I was certifiably crazy between 16 and about 23. I mean, seriously nuts. And for those of you who know me now, I think I've gotten it more together. I'm still a reserved person, but that's just who I am.
I read that our emotions and hormones aren't really fully stable until about 25. That really made sense to me when I heard it.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
Quote:
Originally Posted by
holiday
I'll be the insensitive one and chalk it up to age. Do any of you ladies in your late 20s, 30s or beyond agree? Early 20s were like that, at least for me, emotions are still wild, I mean, not like at the level of puberty or something, but it was just hard to keep a level head and express yourself.
I think I was certifiably crazy between 16 and about 23. I mean, seriously nuts. And for those of you who know me now, I think I've gotten it more together. I'm still a reserved person, but that's just who I am.
I read that our emotions and hormones aren't really fully stable until about 25. That really made sense to me when I heard it.
Actually, that's the OPPOSITE of my problem. I LACK emotion, I don't have an overabundace of it.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
i don't think you necessarily lack emotion. i think you lack the ability to identify your emotion or to express it. if you didn't feel anything, you wouldn't self-harm. basing your self-esteem on others opinions sounds like co-dependence.
i've got an interesting mix of your problem and hyperemotionalism (ism?). i hold a lot in, but when i don't, i take it too far and burn bridges. and that sucks. i'm really bad at expressing my feelings in normal ways.
i wish i could give some good advice, but i'm still trying to figure it out.
Re: Mental Issue: I have the emotional range of an inanimate object!
Well I kinda take back what I said anyway. I think it was wrong, and it's based only on my personal experiences, and my own growth and it think it was dumb of me to say what I did.
But if it a problem for you (and NOT just a problem someone else has with you) than I'd take some of the other advice on here, and for sure talk to someone, professional or just reliable in that way. Talking is always good. :)