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Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
I went on a date the other day. We went out to Thai food, and it was the first time we had gotten together. I had an okay time, enough to consider a second date. He walked me to my car after dinner, and I leaned in for an innocent peck on the lips. He started off with tongue, actually forcing it between my pursed lips. I pulled back with a disgusted look and told him, "Dude, don't EVER give a girl tongue on the first date, especially under casual circumstances like this." He said, "I'm sorry, you're so hot, I just couldn't help myself." I responded, "Instant gratification is for spoiled brats." In retrospect, I should have made a retort about Tourette's Syndrome. Fucking pig. No second date for him.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think that tongue is pretty intimate and not at all appropriate for a first date, especially in a public place. An embrace and a closed-mouth kiss is good for me. If it's a long first kiss and we're in a private place, tongue can come.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
It's not so much the "first date" part that hit me but the fact that he just shoved it in. I've kissed and fucked first time with guys but we always start slow and work up.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
^^^ What New Moon said. I like intense making out and sex even *before* the first date, but it's pretty skeezy to just shove your tongue between pursed lips from the get-go. Ew.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
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Originally Posted by
NewMoon
It's not so much the "first date" part that hit me but the fact that he just shoved it in. I've kissed and fucked first time with guys but we always start slow and work up.
True, I've fucked on the first date too, but those guys tended to actually seduce me and succeed rather than just assume that I was easy and not pick up on cues, like private place vs. public parking lot, allowing him to go further, failing to notice that he was SHOVING MY LIPS APART...
Sadly, this isn't the first time it's happened. Sadly, both times it's happened, they were with guys who came from a culture in which men and women, shall we say delicately, are not always seen as equals and men aren't allowed to learn from women, and we western women are often stereotyped as easy. I tried to ignore the stereotypes, but here I am getting in the same mess with clueless guys. Oh yeah, the comment about "I couldn't help myself" especially scared me coming from them, as their said culture sometimes lets that be a legitimate reason for their lack of inhibitions.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
i agree with all posts prior to mine.
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"I couldn't help myself". Yeah, that is very scary.
A woman's right to her own body definitely trumps a guy's hard-on.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
Gross! Innn commm pat i ble!
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
well, in that circumstance, no, you're ok to be disgusted, but I don't think that expecting tongue kissing on the first date is bad, necessarily.
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Okay, let me rephrase. Was I right to be disgusted in this situation? Again, I've fucked and frenched on first dates, but these guys were a lot more savvy rather than uninhibited.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
maybe he just wasnt as suave and maybe he was a douche. maybe he sucked at kissing. it depends we werent there :P
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
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Originally Posted by
Hatshepsut
Okay, let me rephrase. Was I right to be disgusted in this situation? Again, I've fucked and frenched on first dates, but these guys were a lot more savvy rather than uninhibited.
I would be disgusted. It's clear you didn't consent and while I know that it's extremely tricky to define consent by body language, any decent man you should the difference between closed lips, ect. and an inviting woman.
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Maybe you weren't into him that much? I like tounge on the first date if I like the guy. Even with old bf's when the flame started going out, if they tried to stick their tounge in my mouth, I was grossed out.
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What really ticked me off was my aunt's comment. I told her the situation, and she said, "Well, in their culture/religion, western women are seen as easy and slutty, and your choice of dress probably didn't do much do help that."
I was wearing a knee-length sundress with a cardigan over it. I was much more fucking modest than most Houston summer dressers. I also kept the conversation innocent during dinner, sticking to politics and getting to know each other's lives. The only contact I made was a brief frontal embrace and holding hands. I actually didn't see it coming until the tongue was in my mouth. This was my fault?
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
I don't think your aunt was trying to excuse but rather to explain and what she said makes sense.
Being true doesn't make it right......
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Yeah, I know that not wearing a burqua around him made him think that he could ge away with it. However, my aunt is judgmental like that, and has made comments in the past that make me believe that sometimes, women are the best misogynists. I mean, when picking something up, she will not bend at the knees. Once, some guys were staring, I tried to tell her, but she got defensive and kept showing up her butt. However, she will tell me stuff like this and expect me to feel impure...
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
I've been in that situation too, and like you said, the timing has nothing to do with it. It all has to do with the fact that he was NOT in tune with your feelings in the matter. Be glad you found out on date one. No wasted time!
But yeah, several months back, I went on a date, and right as we're leaving hte resturant, he asks me to his place for wine "No thank you, why don't we walk around town a bit?" Eventually, we stop at a teahouse, sit down, and i'm talking, and he just GRABS me from as far away as I was, and PULLS me into him to kiss, and tongue, nevermind that my body is PLAINLY resisting being pulled closer, and my lips are sealed shut and he has to force past them. I said this date is over, I need to go home, and he had the nerve to ask me to his place AGAIN?!
And this is a normal guy, not even from another culture like was described in the thread.
I genuinely think there arent ANY cultures that consistantly raise their men to respect women. You can get hte occassional good one here or there, maybe more, if they actually WORK to overcome the mysogynism of the culture. Its not a pretty thought.
I shoudl go back to looking at pretty shoes and reminding myself of the occassional good men.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
I'm just amazed at how clueless he is ..... there are smart men out there who understand that slow and sensual = awesome for the girl. He needs to get with it.
He probably was thinking " I'll get the furthest by doing this " ... or he just can't kiss worth a shit. By being sensual and in tune with you .... he could have gotten " further" if that was his goal. Stupid.
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And whats up with the reach around crap - you all know that move, trying to be smooth and there it is, his finger is sliding down your asscrack trying to do... something. WTF?
I agree, sex and kissing is great on a first date but for chrissakes - don't FORCE it!
Yuck. Thats just sleazy.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
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Originally Posted by
Hatshepsut
He said, "I'm sorry, you're so hot, I just couldn't help myself." I responded, "Instant gratification is for spoiled brats."
That is the best response. I would have never thought to say that! Good for you for really keeping it together to call him out and correct him. I really think I woudl have been too shocked and angry to say anything logical.
I have to say that my most successful first dates (that have turned into the most valuable relationships) have been really conservative. I don't kiss or really show any affection. I'm pretty friendly and flirtatious but not so sexy. I have really big issues around personal space, though and I don't like to be touched or handled by strangers at all.
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I just talked to my uncle about it, and my uncle assured me that I wasn't dressed slutty, and that my aunt has no room to talk about her accusations. He told me that I'm doing a smart thing by telling him off, and that I deserve more respect. I feel better now.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
Yuck the guy obviously has no clue. NEXT.
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Re: Am I right to be disgusted by immediate tongue on a first date?
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Originally Posted by
Yekhefah
^^^ What New Moon said. I like intense making out and sex even *before* the first date, but it's pretty skeezy to just shove your tongue between pursed lips from the get-go. Ew.
exactly. I mean, if the chemistry is there and you both want it and feel it, go for it. I know I have. But just to have a guy grab you and try it like that is just so wrong. yuck.
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Ew! I think you're totally in the right to be disgusted. Quick peck= okay, pickup round of tonsil hockey when the other team doesn't know they're playing= wtf.
Granted, most guys think "kiss" means "try to swallow her head long enough to distract her, then try and shove your hand down her pants".
As for "you're so hot, I couldn't help myself", "Oh sorry, you're such an idiot, I just couldn't help beating you viciously about the head and shoulders with a herring- tee hee! In my culture, that's completely acceptable!"
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Yeah, I see in the clubs guys rushing in with the kisses. I can't look at it, to be honest with you. I go inside: "Dumbass". If she kisses him, she aint coming home with him - it's over. Cause he is just a "stranger guy she kissed". Effectively she used his dumbass for her own pleasure, and he thinks he scores. Neither will she talk to him again, cause she feels weird, or she's satisfied, ain't it so? And the guy now will have to deal with a hard on, and it's unpleasant actually with the pants, and I don't want it, so the aftermath of it is a net loss.