Help. See my post at:
Thanks!
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Help. See my post at:
Thanks!
This happened to me too, and all I did was give him my email (didn't meet him OTC or anything) and he ran my email through facebook, got my real name, googled it and now knows EVERYTHING about my life. Be carefull what info you give out.
I would contact the police.
Thanks to both of you!
I will NEVER give out my real info again!!!
As for contacting police I think they would laugh at me. None of the messages from this guy has been threatening and he has often asked me to send him a message to say "leave me alone" and says he would. I'm not sure he will and I just don't want my reply to turn into a conversatoin so I ignore him. Maybe I'm too negative about the police?
Oh man,
First off,even though he's a reg. at your club,
I would change my phone number if I were you,
It would at least stop the harassing messages and what not.
That really sucks though,I'm sorry girl..
I'm tired of creepy stalkers.
They suck.
Ick, I hope you send him a clear, clear message. I have zero tolerance for this shit.
Maybe that's what I should do and send him a clear message. I have never asked him to stop and I have not blocked him on myspace. I didn't want to acknowledge him and possibly encourage him by the contact. He swears he will stop if I say so. Maybe this is my fault and I should have said "get lost" weeks ago. I thought ignoring him would do the job. I guess one clear direct simple message can't hurt. Do you? Not defending him but he seems the kind of guy who would be genuinely sorry if I called him a creepy stalker because he means well but has no clue.
I'm not sure if I should post in this forum, but I wanted to comment. This sounds vaguely similar to a situation that I found myself in earlier this year, but from the other side, obviously. I met a lady last fall and we had great chemistry. We became friends, met several times OTC, exchanged phone calls, emails, etc., and then she moved away and severed contact (not by telling me, she just stopped returning my calls/answering emails). I was (unhappily) married when I met her and got divorced over the time we were in contact with one another (not because of her, it was just unfortunate timing, and we never had sex or did anything that would be considered infidelity). At any rate, the emotional processing of the split with my now ex-wife made me very vulnerable and I attached myself to this wonderful person. It made it very difficult to let go. I still struggle with it at times, actually. Like anything where emotions are involved, it's an ebb and flow. That's life.
What's my point? I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it's very difficult to disengage yourself from another person without some help from that person. If I had received a clear message that she was no longer interested in me, well, that would have changed everything. Instead, I believed that she was just having difficulty with her situation and emotions (her words, not mine) and tried (unsuccessfully, I might add) to be patient and give her time while still keeping the lines of communication (at least from me to her) open. I am the first to admit that I didn't handle things very well. I was obsessive, intrusive, and clingy. I tried not to be, but I just couldn't overcome my own limitations where she was concerned. I was terrified of her perception of me and so I sent similar messages to the "tell me to leave you alone" one you say you've gotten here. I absolutely would have done it. It sounds like you have handled things differently (she was never mean to me), and your situation is obviously not the same, but maybe he just needs the lines clearly defined for him. I wish I had gotten that courtesy, actually. It would have made life a lot easier. For some personality types, it's easier to do something for someone else than it is to do it for themselves.
Looking back on things, I was a total mess. A jumble of emotions combined with the fear that, since my marriage failed, all my future relationships were destined to fail. I don't pretend to know what the right thing to do is in your situation. Everyone is different. I can only comment from my own perspective, whatever that's worth.
Since he isn't being threatening just tell him you are not interested. You have to face up to it. I doubt there is any way to keep him as a regular now so you really have nothing to lose.
However, if you DO tell him to leave you alone and he doesn't, then contact the police. If you tell someone to stop harrassing you and they still do you can file a report. Until you actually tell him to leave you be (or if he is physically threatening and/or you fear for your safety) the police probably will not get involved.
Also, meeting guys OTC in order to keep them spending at the club isn't usually a great idea. In my past experience it has lead to nothing but bullsh*t. Why would they want to come in and spend money on you when you hang out with them for free?
From a guy's perspective, let me echo this. For someone who craves contact with you, the worst thing you can possibly do is ignore them. That is way more likely to turn them into a stalker than responding would. Responding appropriately won't encourage him, unless he's a complete psycho.
Appropriately: tell him kindly, but firmly and clearly, that you are not going to have an OTC friendship or relationship. If you want to try to keep him as a regular, say "It's just something I don't want to do with people I met at the club. You can come see me at the club." If you don't care to keep him as a regular, you can be even more blunt. "It's just not gonna happen. Please stop writing me."
This is really helpful, and I am glad you guys - Aylmar and Evryman - spoke up. I can't imagine this customer being threatening. Actually he's a class act until I'm mean to him then he responds I guess naturally telling me I'm cold. Even when he's mad, he's respectful. Since I led him on, even though it was a tiny bit, I guess I should extend the courtesy ONCE and tell him to leave me alone. Maybe that will be the end of it. Angel - I hear ya: lesson learned. Thanks.
Yeah, lesson learned, but I honestly do believe you should realize for future reference that you ventured past "a tiny bit." Going OTC puts things in an entirely different category in terms of a guy getting his hopes up for a deeper connection. I'm not saying don't ever do it, but be cautious and be aware that there may be some fallout from it no matter how innocent you think the interaction seems. Guys sometimes don't see the obvious signals we send when we're interested in them, and they sometimes can interpret what we think is a mild gesture toward friendliness as extreme romantic interest. We know they sometimes don't understand that it's just business inside the club; so, take them OTC and they really lack any framework to judge that's it's still not romance. I agree with the others who say be respectful but firm in telling him that you're not interested. Be quick and to the point, don't sugar coat it (he might think you're really not sure), but don't be insulting or condescending. Then ignore him. Luck2U.
-Ev
Update: He came by the club and I was firm and polite. Aside from a coulpe of texts the next day saying goodbye, I have not heard anything from him since then.
Maybe I need to learn to communicate better. Apparently he was for real when he said all he needed to read or hear was for me to say "Leave me alone."
Tip of the day I guess is that ignoring someone who has fallen for you does not work. My problem is that although I was mostly cultivating him as a custie, I was attracted to him a little. :-\
I want to thank you all again.
Lex