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A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
I'm in a very unique and odd situation right now. I was searching on google and found this site and needed to know what people in the industry think about this. I started going to this club about a year ago and became a regular of this dancer. She would get mad if I got dances from other girls in the club. This confused me since I wasn't dating her on anything. Maybe 5 months into it, the dances between me and her started getting very intimate so I decided not to get dances from any other girl at the club and promised her I wouldnt.
The First "secret" she told me about January of this year was that she had 2 kids. She is 26 herself and I kind of figured she may have had them but I never asked. The next revelation she told me about a couple weeks later is that she fell in love with me. This was kind of a shocker to me since I never really did anything special to make something like this happen except see her at the club. The last major thing she told me sometime in February was that she is married but she said she only got married for insurance purposes and she and her husband hardly ever see each other since she works all the time. This was the hardest thing for me to take but at this point I had known her for 8 months and had gotten really close to her and wanted to keep this relationship going. She has said for the past 3 months she has been in the process of getting a divorce from her husband.
Her husband, within the last 3 months, since he has found out about the two of us talking to each other has thrown all her clothes outside, stole 30,000 from her safe, abuses her both physically and verbally, traps her in the house among other things. She says he has always been like this but It has gotten much worse since he found about me. There have been times where I have stayed at her house for 2 or 3 nights but he always finds his way back in the house. She keeps on telling me to be patient and wait for her and that they are in the process of getting a divorce and I cant take it much longer since I buy this girl anything she wants and treat her like a queen. Her mom, her sisters, her friends hate her husband and like me and want me to be with her but she keeps on letting her husband back in the house and nothing seems to be progressing.
I am starting to reach a breaking point with this situation and am getting mad about her leading me on and saying things are going to change yet nothing seems to happen. I know this is a very long thread but I had to get this out since obviously all my friends tell me I'm crazy for still seeing her but I have fallen in love with her over this long period and I dont want to lose her and I know she doesnt want to lose me. But she keeps on hurting me over and over again and staying with her abusive husband who treats her like shit.
Can I get some opinions from any dancers on here about what to do. I know I got myself into a bad situation from the start by getting close to her but all this has already happened and I dont know what to do now.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
She probably won't change and likely will stay with the husband. How many times has she left him so far? It takes on average 7 times for an abused woman to leave her abuser before she stays away permanently.
I've known women to be dating married men, who sounded just like you sound. After about 10 years of hearing "I'm getting a divorce, I just have some loose ends to tie up" most finally get the message that he is NOT going to leave his wife.
You are a fantasy lover to her, most likely. If she really does leave her husband, then she has to deal with the fact that you are a human being with flaws and bad habits, just like everyone else. She doesn't love you, she loves the fantasy of what you represent: escape from a bad relationship, parenthood and responsibilities.
I recommend that you give her an ultimatum. If you were happy with the situation, you wouldn't be here asking us for advice, so tell her that you can't see her (or give her money) until she is no longer married. Drama will ensue, but it will be shirt lived compared to being the "other man". If her husband really is jealous, you are not only putting yourself at risk, you are putting her and her children at risk as well. Ultimately, there is nothing healthy about this relationship.
Even if everything she has told you is utter bullshit just to keep the paychecks coming, this situation is so unhealthy that I can't begin to imagine what the therapy bills are going to look like in the end.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Keep it between you and her. If she wants to get a divorce, then she needs to keep that between herself and her husband and leave you out of it. If she does that, then the two of you can be together.
It's a pet peeve of mine when the spouse is blamed for someone being a whore. I don't blame him for treating her like shit. If my husband was fucking around on me and moving some slut into my house, where my children live, every time we got into a fight, I'd probably throw some shit and call him some names too.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Wow I am very sorry about your situation....That's a tough one!
Though you met as a stripper/custie relationship, this has obviously led to a much more than that, seeing that you sleep at her house and all.
I guess at this point, the fact that she's a stripper doesn't seem AS relevant as if your relationship would have been maintained inside the club.
You have to ask yourself a serious question though: Do you think she's only with you because you buy her everything she wants? I'm not saying that's her case, I do not know her and am not able to judge from what you wrote, but I sure know some girls who do that. They "milk" their costumers untill they either decide not go "help" them financially or have no more money to do so.
I understand she's doing through a lot right now, but there is some limit to your patience. I would give her an ultimatum, but that's just me....
Sorry, I can't be more help, this seems like a relationship crisis, not a stripper/custie one that I would be more familiar with.
Good luck!!
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
She sounds like she could be a ship jumper. She's stuck with a loser husband and is looking for someone else to take care of her. Even if you're in love and she's in love with you (which I doubt), so what. Stop seeing her, you'll get over it. You don't need this BS, unless, of course, you want to ruin your life.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
This has bad news bears written all over it. I would seriously consider whether this girl is worth your energy. Either this girl is stringing you along for your money and gifts and will continue milking them until you give up or she is in super drama mess and would probably bring it with her even if she ended it with her husband.
Having the crazy husband is very unfortunate. Like Paris said, an ultimatum is a good idea. If she is actually serious about wanting to be with you, tell her to get a restraining order. Then she should divorce him and probably get counseling or therapy of some sorts, because this kind of trauma has made her emotionally unhealthy. It sounds like she has an awful case of Stockholm syndrome with her husband; a lot of women for whatever reason will stay with the abuser even if they logically know better.
This has been going on for months and is affecting you negatively. This situation is not healthy for either of you. You cant help those who dont help themselves. If she is unwilling to put forth real effort to bettering her situation, walk out. Its better at least one of you comes out mentally unscathed from this than you both continue down this drama path and have it damage both of you. Plus you should be annoyed at this point that you are being taken for granted and she is being inconsiderate of your emotions (which she is... like you said she keeps hurting you. Even if her situation sucks, she should be more concerned about your feelings if she really loves you). I know its hard to leave a damsel in distress, especially if you have genuine feelings for her, but it sounds like you might have to. And when you do i would change your phone number or something to keep yourself from being pulled back into this mess.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Thank you for your input. Your responses are fairly consistent with what my friends and her family have been telling me. To give her an ultimatum that she has to pick one person to be with. She did move her safe to her friend's house not too long ago. She changed the house lock and garage code. The only way her husband can get into the house is if she lets him in which she still has been doing. She claims she only lets him in so he can see the kids but then I don't hear from her all night which leads me to believe he spent the night. I have told her I'm ready to move in with her whenever she is ready. She keeps telling me the time is coming. I have heard all the stuff from different sources about how some people like it when you treat them like shit and call them names. I even heard her mother say she likes this. I am not that type of person. If she would just tell me she cant do this anymore, I would be able to leave but it is so hard for me. She trusts me with her life right now. She places trust with me that she doesn't give to anybody else. She prefers that I look after her kids over her own brother and mother cause she knows I don't yell at them and actually look after them. It pretty much isnt even a stripper/customer relationship between us anymore since I havent gotten dances from her in months. I just go to the club and talk to her when I'm there. At times, she says she wants to have a kid with me but then she changes her mind. A couple of pills helped in that process.
So this has gotten into a very deep relationship between me and her and it would be extremely hard for me to just stop talking to her after all this. Some people have told me to go with the approach of not answering her calls or going to the club for some days and see what happens there. I might have to go on vacation to be able to do this. As far as Paris's question about how many times has she left him since I've been with her. I would say she kicked him out about 5 times if memory serves me correct. I know I am probably fucked up in the head by doing this, but in some weird way, I think I enjoy the drama myself and want to see If I can attain a woman who works at a club.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
nightowl99
and want to see If I can attain a woman who works at a club.
Whoa whoa! not a good reason to pursue this at all! there are better trophys out there than a dancer with financial and relationship issues. I am assuming this is not the largest motivation into you continuing this, but if it is you should probably rethink your priorities.
Some women do seem to like to be treated badly, and its unfortunate. I even met a girl who admitted she liked to date assholes. I will never understand this.... But if she is one of those girls, she probably doesnt respect herself very much, and she will probably not feel satisfied in a relationship with a nice guy. This isnt always true, but it seems like a lot of girls who date assholes continue to date assholes and pass up the nice guys.
I guess a woman's desire to be treated like crap might be sort of like your weird addiction to this drama.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
nightowl99
I have told her I'm ready to move in with her whenever she is ready. She keeps telling me the time is coming. . . If she would just tell me she cant do this anymore, I would be able to leave but it is so hard for me. She trusts me with her life right now. She places trust with me that she doesn't give to anybody else.
So this has gotten into a very deep relationship between me and her and it would be extremely hard for me to just stop talking to her after all this. . . I know I am probably fucked up in the head by doing this, but in some weird way, I think I enjoy the drama myself and want to see If I can attain a woman who works at a club.
Niteowl,
I have been in a similar situation with a dancer once, and it cost me dearly -- not just money. I could give you 100 reasons to walk away from this, and you would know deep inside that I was right, but you would continue anyway. This is bigger than you. I sincerely urge you to get counseling. There is more going on here than you can see. Not just with her. There is a reason you can't turn away. If your employer has an employee assistance program, start with that. That's what I did. If that is not a possibility, just use the yellow pages. If you can't afford to get counseling, your county health department can probably give you assistance.
You may be hesitant to do this, because part of you wants to believe this will work. Go anyway. If this is going to be the one-in-a-million times that the relationship will work out, seeing a counseler will not change that. But the counseling will sure help with the other 999,999 chances. I know how much you want to keep this going, but if you thought this was legitimate, you would not have come here.
Good luck. You deserve to be satisfied.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
She loves you so she would be happy just to be with you with no money changing hands. See how that works for you.
Strippers are fun but not long term unless one can remain emotional detached.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
Earl_the_Pearl
She loves you so she would be happy just to be with you with no money changing hands. See how that works for you.
Strippers are fun but not long term unless one can remain emotional detached.
Nice blanket statement.
I agree this particular situation is one to be avoided. But I would hope that the people I date in my personal life do not uphold the same belief you do.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Thank you for all the input. Her mom has told me the same thing. Stop buying her things. When I stayed over at her place for 4 nights about a month ago, things were going great. I kind of wish at this point, this never happened because it made me believe that a future was possible between us. The only thing I bought her in that period of time was tickets to a basketball game for her and her kids. That Sunday night, we went to the movies. Monday and Tuesday night, me and her sister took care of her kids while she was at work. Wednesday night, we all went to the Bulls game together. After that Bulls game, I found out that her husband was going back to the house to see the kids so I couldn't go over there. Just the fact that I saw for a little while how life would be with her damaged me because it was so great. Since then, I have only slept over at her place one night. She says when I'm over there, she gets very lazy and doesn't want to do any housework and just gives me weird excuses like that about how she needs her husband there to take care of the kids.
I will try to not to get her something the next time she asks unless she changes things and see what happens with that.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
nightowl99
I will try to not to get her something the next time she asks unless she changes things and see what happens with that.
Will she do this for you? In a dancer's own words.
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They usually have major problems and are in serious finiancial state, and if you're nice like me and fall for them, you start paying their bills and helping them out, thinking that if you just "help them out" they'll get it together and find a job and get back on their feet. WRONG. What happens is that you start doing this, you fall for them, and then you can't say no when they continually cannot pay their bills or take care of themselves. You then find yourself in a situation where you are COMPLETELY supporting them, letting them essentially live off of you, probably in your home and letting them spend all of your hard earned money. You want to stop it, but you love them too much to kick them out on the street, and if you start refusing to pay their bills, that's where they will end up.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Earl_the_Pearl
Strippers are fun but not long term unless one can remain emotionally detached.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mediocrity
Nice blanket statement.
I agree this particular situation is one to be avoided. But I would hope that the people I date in my personal life do not uphold the same belief you do.
Wouldn't you say not allowing a bf in the "club" is a way to foster emotional detachment? http://forum.stripperweb.com/images/...ons/listen.gif
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
Earl_the_Pearl
No, it isn't. My SO is in finance. I dont go into his office when he is working, because he's WORKING. I'm sure if he was in a meeting, I would not be allowed to attend.
Most couples don't go sit around eachothers' workplaces. My mother was in medicine. Did my father go and sit at her desk and watch her make her rounds? Of course not. That's pretty ridiculous.
Dancing to me is a job like anything else. When I'm at home, not working, I am just fine with my emotional attachment to my SO. Dancing is actually very, very small part of who I am, considering I only do it about 20-25 hours a week. Guess what? I am a person. Not just a "stripper".
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
mediocrity
No, it isn't. My SO is in finance. I dont go into his office when he is working, because he's WORKING.
If one can't drop in on a SO working in an office it has nothing to do with emotional detachment.
This quote appears to agree fostering emotional detachment is at least one reason to bar men from seeing their women dance.
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Secondly, if I were seeing someone who has never seen me dance, and I DID explain all of the things I did, even give him a sample lapdance at home. He understands, says it's all right. But again, maybe if he saw it right in front of his face, it would cause him to feel pangs of jealousy.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
nightowl99
Thank you for all the input. Her mom has told me the same thing. Stop buying her things. When I stayed over at her place for 4 nights about a month ago, things were going great. I kind of wish at this point, this never happened because it made me believe that a future was possible between us. The only thing I bought her in that period of time was tickets to a basketball game for her and her kids. That Sunday night, we went to the movies. Monday and Tuesday night, me and her sister took care of her kids while she was at work. Wednesday night, we all went to the Bulls game together. After that Bulls game, I found out that her husband was going back to the house to see the kids so I couldn't go over there. Just the fact that I saw for a little while how life would be with her damaged me because it was so great. Since then, I have only slept over at her place one night. She says when I'm over there, she gets very lazy and doesn't want to do any housework and just gives me weird excuses like that about how she needs her husband there to take care of the kids.
I will try to not to get her something the next time she asks unless she changes things and see what happens with that.
First, I want you to set aside this notion that dating a stripper is any different than dating a waitress or hairstylist and any other "blue collar" girl. I've dated all types in this class and I too thought I could "help" them but you'll learn as I have that you cannot. Hopefully this experience will not make you a misogynist as I have become. :'(
Second, you have not experienced what life will be like with her by only having a four day sleep over. I call the stage the new nookie daze. The sex and fun activities have clouded your perception of the events. So don't make any future decisions about being with this women while on the nookie daze.
Third, know that the chance of you getting your heart broken by this woman is at 90% and when they're done with you they'll demonize you. I've never had an amicable breakup with a woman from this class. If you break up with them, very angry voice mails will be left. If they break up with you, it will be strange because they never tell you, they just don't return your phone calls. My last girlfriend did this move. I called on a Sunday as usual, left a message. She didn't call me back all week. Then I called again on Sunday, nothing... Three weeks later she calls me asking me why I broke up with her? /:O We then dated again for a few months until I caught on to her game. Which I now call consolation man.
And that's what you are dude, consolation man. If she wanted her husband gone he'd be gone. The laws in the west are in her favor. My latest affair was with a married woman, she tossed her husband to the curb like a piece of trash. Got a restraining order for verbal abuse and he isn't allowed within his own house. So my point is, she doesn't want him gone yet, thus my advice is hit it and quit it. Since you've already spent the night I assume you've hit it. Now it's time to quit it. }:D
I have this rule now that I won't date anyone more than three months. No matter where the relationship is, I quit it at three months. LTRs with women just aren't worth it IMO. But your mileage may vary. Godspeed!
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
commanderadama
First, I want you to set aside this notion that dating a stripper is any different than dating a waitress or hairstylist and any other "blue collar" girl.
You know, you may be a misogynist ass, but I want to thank you for this statement, however backhanded it may be.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Wow, it seems like she is really confused. When you have 2 kids with someone I would think it would take a great amount of effort to leave them no matter how bad you are being treated. She has left him 5 times! This is and will not be easy.
You don't sound like you are ready to give up even though everyone is telling you differently. If you are that into fighting for her it might come down to you confronting the husband. Are you ready for that? Can you deal with that? If you cant, walk away.
She needs a strong man by her side and frankly I don't know how you are so strong to stay by her side and not fight harder for her by confronting the problem directly with the husband.
If he is abusive and she wants to choose you, you know what you have to do.
You are waiting for her to choose you but I am not sure she has the option right now with an abusive husband in and out of the picture.
Someone either has to step up and change this for her or you have to walk away. Or, you can keep on staying on the sidelines causing more drama. I mean, you did admit you dig the drama.
Also, to be wondering if you can keep a womam from the club and thinking of her almost like a throphy is wrong. She sounds much more then just a dancer trophy to be going through this emotional sideline drama bs that you have been going through.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
I think you should stop financially supporting her and see where it goes. The reason she was mad at you for getting dances is because she wanted your money to herself. I've seen this exact scenario over and over again. You are being used.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
head turner
If he is abusive and she wants to choose you, you know what you have to do.
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I do not know what fate awaits me I only know I must be brave
For I must face a man who hates me or lie a coward a craven coward or lie a coward in my grave.
Many women will use a PL to make her man jealous to see if he really loves her. When you are laying broken and bleeding in the gutter she will throw her arms around her husband squealing, "You love me, you really love me". :O
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
Earl_the_Pearl
Many women will use a PL to make her man jealous to see if he really loves her. When you are laying broken and bleeding in the gutter she will throw her arms around her husband squealing, "You love me, you really love me". :O
With all of your wisdom, sounds like you hang with a classy crowd.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
magnificentchacha
I think you should stop financially supporting her and see where it goes. The reason she was mad at you for getting dances is because she wanted your money to herself. I've seen this exact scenario over and over again. You are being used.
The thing about her is she is one of the biggest money makers in the club that she works at so at no point was I financially supporting her. I was just buying her things that she wanted cause she made me happy and I was fine with doing it. I refused to buy her this one item she wanted about a week ago and she keeps bugging me about it. Things have been going downhill between us in the past 2 weeks. I did something I shouldn't have done when I got drunk a week ago and she is still mad at me about that. I called her house late at night knowing she wasn't there and her husband and kids were. I coudn't give her a reason why I did this except for the fact that I was drunk and had been pissed at her. I just started drinking heavily recently because of all this also.
She did tell me one very personal thing on Tuesday night which I am not sure is true or not. I will PM anyone what it is if they want to know. I don't want to post it on here. This could change everything that is happening between us.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
My main concern is for the children. Until he is no longer spending the night and a legal seperation or divorce is filed, you do not need to be spending the night or be around the children as a "couple." If you care about her, you need to care about the children's well being just as much, if not more. What happens when they become attached to you and you decide that you can no longer take her flipping from her husband back to you? You will disappear from their lives and they will be emotionally burned by that.
Another thing, if he is being abusive, encourage her to leave him for them. If she can't do it for them, she will never do it for herself.
This is a screwed up situation for all of you involved, but put your needs aside to make this transition easier for them. The longer this goes on, the more it will be put into their minds that this is how life works with adults.
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Re: A married dancer fell in love with me. (serious thread!!!!!!)
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Originally Posted by
mediocrity
With all of your wisdom, sounds like you hang with a classy crowd.
I hang in strip clubs so you know I've got class. Actually the story about a women coming on to a man to make her husband jealous happened to a guy I worked with.
The job entailed going into peoples homes and he came very close to losing his job when she told her husband he called her. No we did not deliver pizzas. :P