When the stage looks like a cock fighting ring with poles.
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When the stage looks like a cock fighting ring with poles.
When the owners, bouncers, front door man, bartender etc are all in the same family.
when the DJ calls for a dancer, and another one yells "MOM! Get your ass on stage!!"
When the bar serves nothing but soda, water, nachos, hot dogs, pickles and hot sausages.
When the Dj does the SAME EXACT show, plays the SAME MUSIC night after night after night...etc.
When making 100 bucks is the highlight of your week.
When the club is only open 3 days a week, thurs, fri, sat, and when they tried opening it up on Wed, they had to close, cuz the dancers only made like 5 bucks.
Not as bad as some, but worse than others. -_-
^Lol, does that make us high class. We have popcorn (no nachos, but hotdogs on game nights), soda, but we also have... dun dun dun.... tonic water and red bull!! Yeah, we're so sophisticated XD
When they absolutely refuse to give the club a liquor license for the 27 years it has been open.
Oh i forgot! We have red bull too! And FLAVORED water! *wink wink*
But my club lost their liquor license a few years back in a drug bust :P
They say it was because the club used to be nude, and in South Car no nude clubs can serve alcohol, and they didn't bother to renew it, but some of the older dancers told me the REAL reason lol!
Same law here ("upstate" NY). Oooh ooh! An other sign!
When it's full nude, and none of the girls actually get naked because there's only one guy at stage and 10 assheads against the wall not tipping. Furthermore, those assheads complain that no one is getting naked, even when I explain you have to pay to see.
When the main attraction seems to be the pool table... And the same assheads complain that the girl isn't taking anything off at all when they're the only customers in the place.
Correction- Only assheads besides the manager who is also the doorman, bouncer, dj, and when the bartender is smoking outside or doing a drug deal (or going around dancing on customers), but doesn't do ANY of those jobs half (or all) the time because he's nodding out from percocets and vicodin. And doesn't do shit as bouncer, because the $5-$10 the club makes is more important than the dancers safety/dignity. And we are not allowed to be our own bouncer or call the cops because it's bad for business and we can get busted for all the drugs in the place.
(Not the club i work at, but one my hubby used to bounce at. )
When the front door hangs off its hinges and has multiple bullet holes in it.
When a club will hire ANY dancer, regardless of looks/dancing talent, just to have their tip-out.
When other dive's make fun of a dive. XD
When the owner fines the bouncer $100 for looking in the VIP rooms during dances for security.
When one bouncer has more teeth than all the girls combined.
And, here's the kicker:
When you have to keep clothes you wear to work separate from your everyday wear because the smell won't come off, no matter how many times you wash them/ spray them with fabreeze.
When there's shit streaks on the bathroom walls, dressing room walls, and lockers.
When there's cum stains on the (busted ass) chairs... that glow under blacklight.
^ i just cried from laughing at that one
when the housemom scoops up forgotten thongs to resell them at another club.
when you find a joint in a bathroom stall at the beginning of your shift then find it again, half smoked, during a break.. even though the housemom keeps watch of the bathroom, which is kind of part of the dressing room.
when the dj panics and yells, girls! DONT break the pole this time! while theyre doing a regular stage set.
You know you work in a dive when the ATM regularly breaks down, and the manufacturers refuse to replace it because it is such an outdated model
...if there's no ATM or credit card machine at all.
^ Nightmare!!
You know you're at a dive when the manager steals money out of th atm to gamble at the horse track...needless to say the atm was often "out of order"
Wasn't working at this club at the time, was visiting as a patron... but this was too good to pass up. This all happened the same night mind you...
* Witnessed a screaming match between blond stripper and brunette stripper because blondie's boyfriend was drunk off his ass and let the brunette sit on his lap. Bouncer was oblivious to the threats screamed across the room until brunette dancer took refuge behind my table, crying. I had to call him over. *le sigh*
* Witnessed a heated argument escalate into a shoving match between two patrons just outside the men's rest room. One was a smallish college student... the other was a one armed cowboy. Hook hand, cowboy hat, duster... the whole nine yards. Again, bouncer didn't notice until I flagged him down.
* Witnessed a fully nude and rather large-set dancer doing the 'running man' in 6" platforms, then preceded to do a line dance to 'honky tonk badonkadonk'. This was her main stage set *omfg*
* My boyfriend decided to be a sweetheart and share the dancer sitting on his lap. He paid her to give me a LD there at the table. She did a great job! Until she put her ass in my face and teasingly moved her thong to the side to give me a veeeery up close meet and greet with her back door. Oh, and she had an ass crack hairier then my bf's. *gag* She then tried to give me her real name, phone number and relative home location so we could all get together and play pool at her house... :O
* Saw a dancer that instead of opting for the standard garter or small dancer's purse had chosen an diaper bag sized coach purse. Which she used as a barrier between her and any customers she sat next to.
* The bf reported on the drive home that the last private LD he got from this cute petite girl in a white beater and plaid school mini was a total disaster. 10 mins before they closed, she was so drunk she fell of him twice (full contact byob club), he had to help her find and put on her shoes afterwards. AND she kept alluding to the fact that she could offer him far better then what was waiting for him in the main dance area (ie me...lol) He protested and she continued slurring that what she had was better then anything he'd every had. He finally pushed her off him, gathered her shoes and led her out the LD room by her arm... depositing her in the care of the under-attentive bouncer.
* This last one's just a rant: two benches full of girls sitting bored outside the LD room, bitching that there was no money tonight... when there was not one SINGLE dancer on the floor working the customers for over an hour. This is a commissioned job ladies... not a stripper super market where the customer shops for you.
Won't be going back there any time soon...
there's no house fee on sunday, monday, tuesday, or wednesday because otherwise half the girls wouldn't even make gas money
the manager lets all the extras girls come in late, skip stage, and leave early because they're the only ones keeping the club in business
your jaw drops when a non-extras girl makes over 300 dollars
some of these have already been said but i have to include my old club..
- the 'dressing room' is probably 3 feet wide and is more like a long storage closet than a dressing room..when there's more than 2 girls back there at a time its beyond crowded
- theres a sliding door in the DR that has a hole in the floor like a shower and one girl uses it as a toilet
- girls pee in the trash can
- in the DR you can hear the people in the alley and cars driving down the street because the walls are paper thin and don't even connect to the ceiling
- the broken vending machine is your 'bar'
- making 200 is BANK
- there are no poles in the club..the stage looks like an old theater..
- girls are allowed to walk to the porn store nextdoor in their outfits & heels to get chips
- the 'dj' is a computer with music on it & the music in the LD areas are old boom boxes that skip songs and have buttons falling off..
- the LD areas are little bedrooms with beds in them
- people commonly mistake the club for a brothel
i could go on and on but i'll stop there..i cant believe i worked there :-[
live and learn i guess lol
My current dive:
- PVC piping for poles
- No fees or anything, but over 200 like someone said is fantastic
- Our music computer died and we had to dig out an old boombox. Couldn't get a station in, so we had to connect it to one of the dancer's phones
- Platform shoes seems almost nonexistent here
I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of, but I do love the place! Nice break from my home gown club. :)
I <3 dives. ;D
when you go back for a visit and the new manager assures you that they're going to be "running promotions, advertising, getting rid of all the prostitutes and nasty chicks, renovating things, and pretty soon it'll be one of the best clubs around" and you just laugh your ass off
There's locusts/grasshoppers all over the dressing room, dead AND alive, to the point that you have to watch wear you step and avoid having them jump in your hair because the club sprays for them but they only come back so they stop spraying for them.
Same place where, after the club closes, a huge fight breaks out in the parking lot, tons of people are on their cars just chilling, mayhem is abounding and as I'm trying to get the fuck out of there asap a girl taps on my door and says her friend left her and can I please give her a ride home. Now-- I'm not recommending this to anyone, but I had to make a split second decision to get the fuck out of there so I was just like fine, get in-- but please don't rob me because I didn't make anything. She ended up being very nice and I dropped her off at her hotel and gave her a couple of tamales I bought from the little wandering weekend vendor who came into the club.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Same one-- where the nickname for the resident scary dancer's name is "MethMouth" and is used to scare you-- like, "oh, you better be nice or I'm going to call Methmouth over and have her dance for you!" Serious gray nubs that can no longer be considered teeth.
^oh yeah another sign you're working at a dive is when you're CONSTANTLY getting asked for rides if you have a car. the last dive I worked at I'd say 3 out of 10 of the girls had cars.
lol @ gray nubs...
Oh, and 3 of 10 girls?! My resident dive only has three girls to begin with.... haha
I laughed so hard I pissed myself....
my dive...I love it but you know...here is what I found horrifying (in my book) because I came from an inner city much more upscale than my current club place that, in truth, was just a mediocre inner city strip club that's two stories and huge.
-when the girls all stare at you because they know you came from a bigger, nicer club and say to your face, "girl, why the fuck are you here? did they fire you for suckin dick?" *blank stare back* "no, I left because they don't like thick chicks. I didn't fit in very well amongst the smaller girls."
-when the girls who stare at you because they know you came from a bigger, nicer club eagerly ask you questions about what it's like and go on and on and on about how they wish they worked in a beautiful, nice club like that.
-when the VIP and CR lighting are cheap, tiny chandeliers that have spider webs spindling off of them
-when the decor is supposed to be classic, venetian French (club is a French name *La Chatte Cabaret said la sha-tay*) decor but there are rips and small holes in the fake paintings, the velvet rope has a gash in it where stuffing is coming through, and the manager talks of how the VIP and CR's are "upscale"
-when the manager sits with customers and eats KFC with them while chewing with his mouth open
-when only one stall has a toilet seat, the handicapped stall has no toilet seat and leaks into the floor drain, and there is "wall art" and "scrawl" all over the stall walls..I call the art and scrawl "Chicken Soup for the Stripper's Soul" because you never know when you need to know that Nikeisha's coochie smells like fish and she licks men's ass for 5 bucks.
-when there are women with horrid teeth smiling in your face, breathing all over you
-when wearing a baby doll and thigh highs is like wearing a nun outfit (true story, happened to me on my first day. Everyone was in bikinis or some super tiny fishnet get up)
-when girls bigger than me (and I am pretty voluptuous) are walking around in bikinis that could disappear in their fat rolls and between their gargantuan ass cheeks.
-when 9 inch heels are the norm and me with my 6 inchers is like wearing flats (I am still trying to get accustomed to this new way of life. lmfao)
-when everyone has tats and when you only have your ears and belly button peirced they look at you and say "so you ain't nevuh been ta jail o' in uh gang huh? you ain't gotta singul battle scar...girl, where the fuck did YOU come from??" (true story. This meth head asked me this)
-when the club pushes drinks more than selling dances and accepts you with open arms if you do extras because it brings in more business...
-when the club has an attorney for the club on call in case Vice raids the club and girls get caught with drugs or doing prostitutional acts (i know...prostitutional..ha!)
-when the girls learn you're Epileptic (this is a rare case for strippers, but it applies to me) and they all get this terrified look on their face and say, "OH MY GOD!" yet when they see someone snorting blow they join right in and do not find this shocking.
-when you walk in to pee and the middle stall - the stall with the toilet seat - has three strippers smooshed into the tiny stall and all you hear are strong sniffing, so you walk back out and pee in the trash can in the dark corner of the DR. (true story...yep, I peed in a trashcan. I HAD TO GO PEOPLE! JEEZ!!)
I am working again on Saturday...I might have some more funny things to write about
One of the first clubs I've danced was a dive, but it was fun, and the money was decent. However, the place was extremely trashy.
-The DJ is a jukebox
-The place needs an urgent decoration
-All the chairs and tables are broken
-Flashing on stage is ok
-Masturbating on stage is ok
-Smoking dope in the DR is ok