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I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Here's the story: I'm a 42 yo attorney, my gf is 30yo ex-stripper, we met in a strip club so I know who she is and what she does. We have been together for 2 years, she has lived with me for one year. She stopped dancing approximately 8 months ago. I pay all the house bills, utilities, her health insurance, going out expenses (to strip clubs! lol), extensions, etc. Basically whatever she needs. She does usually pay her own car insurance and cell phone; and buys food sometimes. She is a wonderful cook and keeps the house. But basically, if she needs anything...I provide it. She gets good gifts for holidays, etc. I have no problem with all of this. However, we have a terrible sex life, she has no interest in it, from me or anyone. I probably have sex 2-3 times per month, and I have to throw a fit, or beg. It is usually bad sex with her just lying there, maybe a blow job every 2-3 months, has not swallowed, or even spit, in about a year. ANYWAY...that's the background.
Now, she wants to go do a private bachelor party for 200 bucks. Now I understand that she feels bad that she does not make a lot of money anymore, but I feel as though she will be giving other guys attention and I'm getting zero myself. I think it's BS that these random guys wiill be getting her boobs in their face, and I don't. I understand it's business and not personal. But when there is no "personal," giving lap dances, etc. to random guys for business makes it personal to me. I feel a private bachelor party is way different then stripping at the club, and I would GLADLY pay 200 for some of her time. I don't think it's right for others to get attention, when i get none.
Also, she has stripped during our relationship, that's fine with me.
Am I crazy?
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Always a difficult situation.
I can see how she might want to bring in her own money, though. I am sure you are very good to her, but maybe she wants to feel like she is contributing?
Have you talked to her about her lack of interest in sex? What does she think the cause is?
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Difficult situation and can see both sides. I think your girlfriend misses her independence and dancing is the only way to deal with it. Perhaps her getting another job (does she have skills?) might make her feel more independent. I know I personally wouldn't be happy in that situation. I am a retired dancer mostly who still does parties sometimes for regulars (not often now really) and I know my current boyfriend (who ironically I met in a club) wouldn't be happy. However, I haven't done any since dating him, and if we move to the serious stage (as in engaged or living together) then I'll completely give them up (I have a regular job anyway). Like I said, these parties are pretty rare now anyway, so this is moot.
However, the sex thing concerns me more than the party. I remember when I first quit club dancing I had zero interest in sex. I've heard this is sometimes an issue with others as well. I would give her time to recover so to speak and see how long this goes. Not that you want to hear it (I wouldn't) but maybe she has someone else. Maybe you could buy her some nice lingerie and ask her to dance? Might work.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Yes, she definitely feels like she wants to contribute. She feels bad about herself for not making money. She danced since she was 16 all over the country, Vegas, etc. She is used to making money. She just started a new career (hair) and is bartending some, so it's tough right now. She needs a new car too. I get it. But at the same time, she is not in dire straits to pay the rent or anything...and I don't want to really get into the money issue so much.
I do not think I would have an issue with this bachelor party if we had a normal, average even, sex life. I know she loves me. But if I am not getting any physical attention or boobs in my face, i don't think anyone else should be either.
Regarding why she does not like sex, it's based on her years of dancing and terrible family life. But we are working on that, and I don't want to get into why we don't have sex. The fact is we don't, and as a result of that, I feel like other guys will be "getting more" from her then I have in weeks.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Kellydancer, you kinda agreed with me here. You said that if you got serious you would give it up. Well, we live together of course. Yes, she works at a salon and bartends.
This has been an issue for over a year, so I'm not sure it is going away. She admits that this is a serious issue, and we are trying to work through it.
I do not believe she has someone else. I do believe she loves me, she is the kind of person that prides herself on honestly (famous last words!), and i do believe she truly does not have an interest in sex. I know this b/c we have an "open" or swinger lifestyle and she does not want to have sex with other guys in these situations. As we have had fmf 3sums I have offered to have mfm 3sums with her and she refuses.
kelly, I have offered to take her on spending sprees to victoria's secret. This does not work.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
I never liked the idea of private parties anyway, truth be told. An ex of mine had a bouncer at one club trying to get her to do them, and of course he would have been security and getting finder's fee etc. I said I didn't like the idea, she didn't do them.
There was only a bit of unpleasantness to it, as she was dancing and I was fine with that (even though she was NOT fine with me DJing, and that as much as anything killed the relationship--long story never mind lol). It wasn't so much the guys getting attention that bothered me, that was already going on every night at work. It was more the uncontrolled atmosphere of a party. I never met this bouncer, for all I knew he was trying to get her to take part in stuff neither she nor I wanted happening.
In your situation, I too would be a lot more concerned about the sex issue than one little party, though every relationship will have its slow spells and the post-dancing issues sound like part of it.
One piece of advice--stop fucking begging. Never beg for sex. Watch porn, do what you have to do, but don't either grant her the upper hand in that aspect, or make sex a burden. Because you will do both by begging. You can say you have a problem with the frequency and enthusiasm, but do it from a position of equality, or you are traveling down a nasty road.
Good luck...
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
^1 on the stop begging advice. I am now on a sex moratorium from my boyfriend because I begged too much, and made too many snarky comments when he refused me. It just doesn't help.
So, yeah, I'm in your shoes with the sex part. Funny thing, I'm an ex stripper with a fucked up family, and sex isn't an issue to me. Not now, or ever.
Have ya'll gone to a sex therapist for counseling? Has she gone to a physician and gotten a full panel of tests done to see if she is having thyroid or hormonal problems causing the lag in sex drive? Was she ever highly sexual with you? I know you don't want to talk about it, but its important to know.
Obviously she wants to do the party because she wants to be independent and bring in some extra money. I can also see both sides of this. Can you give your blessing for the bachelor party if she promises to see a doctor for tests, and to see a therapist with you?
And not just a regular counselor, but one that specializes in intimacy in relationships?
I'm personally at my wits end with my SO and the lack of sex. However, I know why its happening, and its temporary, medication is the cause. Oh, yeah, is she on any medication, like anti-depressants? When I was on those I had no sex drive, and almost nothing could convince me to want sex.
So, that's something to start with, hope it helps!
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
I'm not really concerned about the safety of the party, it's a bachelor party for some local guys that everyone kinda knows; it's not set up through the club or some bouncer or something.
But good advice Djoser about the "begging" part. I would not say I beg, it's more I start to get real pissed after about a week and we get in a fight. I will take your advise though.
And just to point out to anyone listening, it's not just the "sex," I want to make love to my damn gf, have foreplay, hold hands, cuddle, all that shizzle.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
KS_Stevia
^1 on the stop begging advice. I am now on a sex moratorium from my boyfriend because I begged too much, and made too many snarky comments when he refused me. It just doesn't help.
So, yeah, I'm in your shoes with the sex part. Funny thing, I'm an ex stripper with a fucked up family, and sex isn't an issue to me. Not now, or ever.
Have ya'll gone to a sex therapist for counseling? Has she gone to a physician and gotten a full panel of tests done to see if she is having thyroid or hormonal problems causing the lag in sex drive? Was she ever highly sexual with you? I know you don't want to talk about it, but its important to know.
Obviously she wants to do the party because she wants to be independent and bring in some extra money. I can also see both sides of this. Can you give your blessing for the bachelor party if she promises to see a doctor for tests, and to see a therapist with you?
And not just a regular counselor, but one that specializes in intimacy in relationships?
I'm personally at my wits end with my SO and the lack of sex. However, I know why its happening, and its temporary, medication is the cause. Oh, yeah, is she on any medication, like anti-depressants? When I was on those I had no sex drive, and almost nothing could convince me to want sex.
So, that's something to start with, hope it helps!
I agree, counseling seems like a good idea.
Is she maybe on antidepressants? Many of them can cause sexual dysfunction.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
^ That's what I was going to ask about . She won't do stuff like cuddle / kiss / make out ect? A few nights of that stuff may help ( yes ....... a few nights of just doing that .... no grabbing at her sexual parts ). Fire her up and let her come to you.
I don't know though........ my sexual life died in a relationship and we couldn't revive it so I left a 6 year relationship over it ( he's a good catch too..... successful professional .... bad ass sports car ... the works ). I think some people think I'm nuts to leave, but I couldn't take the physical stuff not coming together though and so I left.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
I've tried that "leave her alone" trick too. That used to be her excuse that I was always all over her. Well, I stopped doing that...but after several weeks of leaving her alone...she just kept leaving me alone too! lol. Her idea was that if I left her alone, she would approach me...never happened.
Well, I paid for chantrix so that she could stop smoking, so that we could in turn get her health insurance so that she could go then check out the physical and/or mental reasons for the lack of sex. This is what I mean by we are working on it.
SHe is not on any antidepressants.
I am about at my wits end as well with this sex issue. I'm am not a 20something where i can just sit around not having sex, or a good relationship.
I still don't think it's right for her to be putting herself all over someone at a private party, when I'm not getting any. I just think I'm should get my "party" before anyone else does.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
partyb
I've tried that "leave her alone" trick too. That used to be her excuse that I was always all over her. Well, I stopped doing that...but after several weeks of leaving her alone...she just kept leaving me alone too! lol. Her idea was that if I left her alone, she would approach me...never happened.
Well, I paid for chantrix so that she could stop smoking, so that we could in turn get her health insurance so that she could go then check out the physical and/or mental reasons for the lack of sex. This is what I mean by we are working on it.
SHe is not on any antidepressants.
I am about at my wits end as well with this sex issue. I'm am not a 20something where i can just sit around not having sex, or a good relationship.
I still don't think it's right for her to be putting herself all over someone at a private party, when I'm not getting any. I just think I'm should get my "party" before anyone else does.
I can understand having issues with sex, especially if she's had "stuff" happen to her, what really concerns me is her lack of any affection at all. No snuggling even? I wish I had good advice to give you, but there is just something not right there. Sounds like she either has *major* intimacy issues, or maybe (and I am not trying to be mean, really, I am not) it's possible she's not attracted to you.
Either way, I am sorry you are going through this. I really hope you guys can figure everything out.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
partyb
Well, I paid for chantrix so that she could stop smoking, so that we could in turn get her health insurance so that she could go then check out the physical and/or mental reasons for the lack of sex. This is what I mean by we are working on it.
.
If money is not an issue, why don't you find a private doctor that will take her on self-pay. A full physical, with lab exams shouldn't cost more than $200-300. Just let them know you are self-pay and that you will be paying them at the appointment. Doctors go through so much shit to get paid by insurance, they will give her a good discount if the payment comes through right away.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
She does have major intimacy issues, she was raised basically in foster care, in the "system," or in a strip club for most of her life. She has not had any relationships really with anyone.
Right, maybe she is not attracted to me...I have told her that many many times...this is how I feel all the time. How else would i feel? In which case, I have told her to get out if that's the way she feels. But as I mentioned, she stays, she says she's attracted to me, and as I mentioned above...she doesn't want to have sex with anyone b/c I've offered to have mfm 3sums, or to swap with couples and she not into any guys.
Thanks for your well wishes though.
KS, we have the insurance now for her and yes, she will be doing these things. This is really why I wanted to talk more about this party then our sex issue. But all comments are nevertheless appreciated.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
partyb
She does have major intimacy issues, she was raised basically in foster care, in the "system," or in a strip club for most of her life. She has not had any relationships really with anyone.
Right, maybe she is not attracted to me...I have told her that many many times...this is how I feel all the time. How else would i feel? In which case, I have told her to get out if that's the way she feels. But as I mentioned, she stays, she says she's attracted to me, and as I mentioned above...she doesn't want to have sex with anyone b/c I've offered to have mfm 3sums, or to swap with couples and she not into any guys.
Thanks for your well wishes though.
KS, we have the insurance now for her and yes, she will be doing these things. This is really why I wanted to talk more about this party then our sex issue. But all comments are nevertheless appreciated.
I wouldn't take it personally. If she does have major intimacy issues, she may not be *able* to be attracted to *anyone*. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, though.
If you love her and you are willing to work with her, possibly for years (or not, hard to say), I say get the work up, get her in counseling and hope for the best.
I had a few intimacy issues with my man in the beginning (though they where not severe, his family was just not affectionate) He has changed over the years with patients. On the flip side, I had issues too (not intimacy issues, but depression/anxiety ect) My man stayed with me through years of hard work (on my side mostly) and it has payed off. We are both healthy and happy. Though it was struggle at times.
A person has to *want* to get better, work on themselves and change though, you can't make someone want to get better. They have to put in the work.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
1st thing, throwing a fit and/or begging for sex is not the most recommended seduction method for success. ;)
2nd, if things in the bedroom are as lousy as you say, she may be preparing herself to support herself again--the relationship is about to end. I just have a feeling that she is making plans to end it. She needs to have cash to move out, hence the dancing thing.
I book dancers for private parties, and with tips she is likely to walk away with $1000 from that show. All for 1 hours worth of work, that isn't too shabby, eh? I've dealt with estranged wives looking for work so that they can leave their husbands. Usually when they call me they have already made up their minds about what their future holds.
Since you are getting the cold shoulder from her on a consistent basis, my guess is that she has already emotionally separated from you, all she has left is to actually break it off.
You are going to have to act fast to save this relationship. Nothing short of showing her the greatest adventure of her life will get her attention if she is on the verge of bolting. Do you know any Hollywood A listers? How about a stint helping survivors in Haiti? I'm talking about a huge jolt to her life and your relationship. Just a weekend trip to the mountains wouldn't be nearly enough to snap her out of it.
I wish you luck. I hate seeing people unhappy together.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Paris
1st thing, throwing a fit and/or begging for sex is not the most recommended seduction method for success. ;)
2nd, if things in the bedroom are as lousy as you say, she may be preparing herself to support herself again--the relationship is about to end. I just have a feeling that she is making plans to end it. She needs to have cash to move out, hence the dancing thing.
I book dancers for private parties, and with tips she is likely to walk away with $1000 from that show. All for 1 hours worth of work, that isn't too shabby, eh? I've dealt with estranged wives looking for work so that they can leave their husbands. Usually when they call me they have already made up their minds about what their future holds.
Since you are getting the cold shoulder from her on a consistent basis, my guess is that she has already emotionally separated from you, all she has left is to actually break it off.
You are going to have to act fast to save this relationship. Nothing short of showing her the greatest adventure of her life will get her attention if she is on the verge of bolting. Do you know any Hollywood A listers? How about a stint helping survivors in Haiti? I'm talking about a huge jolt to her life and your relationship. Just a weekend trip to the mountains wouldn't be nearly enough to snap her out of it.
I wish you luck. I hate seeing people unhappy together.
This could totally be it too.
OP, has she always been this way, or is the cold shoulder something new?
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
This has been an issue for well over a year. She even bought me a bday gift fom my birthday Dec. 28, 2008 that was a board game meant to break the ice and promote sex. Used it once. So, it's not sudden thing. Maybe she has emotionally separated from me, but it was done like 15 months ago. If she's gonna leave, then she should. If she really wanted to leave, she could get back up on the pole, make some money, and leave. This little party is not going to go anywhere to get her towards that goal, if that is her goal.
Paris, I hear that, but this is not that kinda party...this is a bunch of 20-somethings...she is not going to make 1000.
Do you think I'm wrong to be aggravated about this party when I'm not getting any love at home?
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
partyb
This has been an issue for well over a year. She even bought me a bday gift fom my birthday Dec. 28, 2008 that was a board game meant to break the ice and promote sex. Used it once. So, it's not sudden thing. Maybe she has emotionally separated from me, but it was done like 15 months ago. If she's gonna leave, then she should. If she really wanted to leave, she could get back up on the pole, make some money, and leave. This little party is not going to go anywhere to get her towards that goal, if that is her goal.
Paris, I hear that, but this is not that kinda party...this is a bunch of 20-somethings...she is not going to make 1000.
Do you think I'm wrong to be aggravated about this party when I'm not getting any love at home?
Honestly the party thing seems like the *least* of your problems.
Either she needs help, or like Paris said, may be planning on leaving you. Or hell, it could be a billion other things as well.
Sounds like you really need to talk to her honestly and make your decision from there.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
We don't know her, trust her, love her.
We are just speculating at the end of the day.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
True enough. Thanks all. xo
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
The party might be her way of testing the waters. I have some other thoughts on this but my non-sexing boyfriend is yelling at me to get off the computer and sit with him to watch movies. But I know I won't be getting laid tonight. :(
I, personally, am also really starting to check out of the relationship. Maybe, partyb, our partners are just not attracted to us and WE should start making alternative (replacement) plans.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
partyb
I've tried that "leave her alone" trick too. That used to be her excuse that I was always all over her. Well, I stopped doing that...but after several weeks of leaving her alone...she just kept leaving me alone too! lol. Her idea was that if I left her alone, she would approach me...never happened.
Well, I paid for chantrix so that she could stop smoking, so that we could in turn get her health insurance so that she could go then check out the physical and/or mental reasons for the lack of sex. This is what I mean by we are working on it.
SHe is not on any antidepressants.
I am about at my wits end as well with this sex issue. I'm am not a 20something where i can just sit around not having sex, or a good relationship.
I still don't think it's right for her to be putting herself all over someone at a private party, when I'm not getting any. I just think I'm should get my "party" before anyone else does.
It sounds like you think you're entitled to sex because you pay for everything, which, if I were in her shoes, would definitely breed some resentment. Once you feel like something's your "responsibility" to do, it's no longer fun. This includes sex. If my SO began demanding intimacy just because he paid for my hair extensions, not only would it be a huge turn off, I'd rip out said extensions and bounce.
Obviously she wants to make money on her own. And it would be my guess that she wants to do the private party because it makes her feel sexy, not like a sex slave. She wants her independence back, she wants to not have to feel like a teenager asking her daddy for money when she needs it.
Lighten up. Let her make her own money, and her own decisions, and you just may see a change in your bedroom activity level.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
I am someone who loves my boyfriend but am not interested in sex. I have to talk myself into it and it really does help that my boyfriend doesn't "beg." I am a total cuddler and ALWAYS want to be close to him. Is she like that?
If the sex is not the issue, then:
I think you should just pretend you are fine with the private party. Maybe she just wants to prove it to herself that she hasn't lost it, ya know?
She will most likely feel like it was a waste of time dealing with 20 y/os for not much money. She will probably tell you she missed you and would rather have spent the evening with you. Lesson learned.
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Re: I don't want my xstripper gf to do priv party...
and I totally agree with wanderlust's post.