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Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Hello everyone, and apologies in advance for the long post.
I've known that I'm sexually interested in other guys for a while, but I've been hoping that I could find a girl I was attracted to because if I'm only bi and not completely gay then I could still live an outwardly normal life. If I was found out, then my family would disown me and it would be suicidal to even keep living in the area I'm from because of how much homophobia there is here. So I am completely in the closet.
Last weekend I went to a strip club for the first time to go to a stag night (I'm 19 years old) and everyone there was bought a lap dance. We could choose the girls, but I chose one at random because I wasn't attracted to any of them. We were all in a room together and the girls were naked (except a few who wore a pair of boots or a hat) and alternated between grinding into our laps like we were having sex (except that the guys still had their pants on) and rubbing their vaginas all over our faces. They all looked to be in their early to mid 20s.
It did not turn me on at all, and I looked around the room to see how the other guys were reacting. Every single one of them was completely mesmerized by what the girls were doing, and they all had a huge hard on. I was the only person who didn't and I was worried that one of the guys would look over at me, see that I didn't have one and realise my secret. Fortunately they were all so absorbed in their lap dances that none of them looked at me.
The girl seemed to be completely bored by everything (she must have done it many times before) and was staring off into space the whole time. I think that during the lap dance she took it for granted that I was turned on, because at the end she began to say "Looks like you enj...." before looking down and realising that the lap dance had done nothing to me. She was surprised for a moment and looked into my eyes with a look that said "Are you gay?" without saying anything. I nodded, she nodded back and walked off.
I was really worried about this being a sign that I was completely gay (I still am), and tried to convince myself that it was just because I had had a beer before, and the alcohol had somehow stopped me from being turned on. But to test this theory out I started imagining a gay fantasy, and got hard instantly, with nothing to turn me on other than what was in my mind.
I have had brief relationships with girls, but I was never attracted to any of them, and only dated them to make people think I was straight. Everything on my part was completely fake. I always ended the relationship within a month because I didn't want to keep up the charade. I was hoping that I just hadn't found the right girl yet, but what happened last weekend is the most worrying thing so far because strippers must need to be very good at turning guys on. Their income depends on it. Now I'm not sure if there's any heterosexuality in me at all.
To the strippers and customers on this board, who know a lot more than I do about strip clubs and customer behaviour: Do straight guys ever not get turned on by lap dances? Am I definitely 100% gay, and should I just accept that I will never be attracted to women?
Thanks for reading this and I'd like to get the opinions and advice of both people who work in strip clubs and their customers :)
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Honey, just because you didn't get turned on by this doesn't mean you're gay. I know many guys that are really turned off by strip clubs, my husband is one of them. :) That kind of in your face sexuality isn't to everyone's taste. Please don't worry.
Maybe you are gay, but don't decide this by your reaction in a strip club.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
there is no reason to be ashamed if your gay (yeah I know it doesnt mean much but it still had to be said)
I cant speak for every male in my club but I dont get particularly aroused anymore, then again as an employee it would be really bad form to stare at the girls breasts and drool
even if theres a manager that does it
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
I've had a couple of dances that didn't turn me on. I don't get turned on unless the girl and the dance are hot to me.
I don't know if you're gay or not, only you can know for sure, but checking out other dudes to see if they have boners is kinda gay....so don't do that if you want to keep it on the downlow.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
If you weren't attracted to any of the girls, you're probably gay. The good news is, last I checked, you can live very happily and comfortably being gay in the US.
If your hometown is in the south and/or in a rural area, you're probably going to want to get the hell out of there eventually (I'd say that to anyone, gay or not, but especially gay).
More good news is that you probably can enjoy a lot of sex without paying for it, or otherwise having to jump through a bunch of hoops (but wear a condom). Talk to a counselor and some gay men for more advice. Just mentioning suicide in your post should be a red flag--don't do anything stupid. You can be happy no matter what.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
You are gay. Sure there are straight guys who don't get a boner in the strip club so thats not a big deal. If you really have to "search" for a girl who might turn you on, you are probably just gay. I could be wrong, but you strike me more as gay. I wish your family was more understanding and you didn't need to feel you should hide. EVERYTHING does come out eventually, just something to keep in mind.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
The non-erection itself is not conclusive... I usually get very aroused with a strong erection, but if the girl does anything that kills the fantasy - like becoming too greedy, I get instantly turned off... and down it goes.
Having said that - I'm sure you are gay... no, not because you didn't have an erection,... but, because of your total lack of interest. Even if you don't have a boner, it is impossible not to be attracted to the women in the SC (unless its a really sleazy SC and all the dancers are butt-ugly). You felt no attraction, curiosity or even interest... dude, you're gay.
If you're not ready to "come out" (that's your decision)... maybe you should date/get dances from girls with short hair and no breasts - that look like little boys (no offense to little-breasted short-haired girls). You can fantasize the rest... Also, there are some threads here discussing strap-on sex (i.e., the girl wears a fake dick and fucks the guy like a girl) -- It seems like some girls are into this gender reversal. (Some don't even consider it gay!) If you find one of them, you might be happy for a while, until you're ready to "come out".
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
^^I don't see that working because he would still KNOW that was a girl and she would still have a vagina. Thats just not gonna cut it. The only women I see that look enough like a man to pass for one or lesbians who are actively trying hard to look like a man, and even then she would still have a vagina. Its not all that often I see a girl who really looks like a boy even the ones with no boobs and boy haircuts still look too much like a girl. He could just to jack off to guys via internet, but I don't see a relationship with a woman possible.
I don't see how liking to fucked in the ass is considered gay. As long as the guy still likes vaginal sex/women, I wouldn't say thats gay. If a guy is fucking/getting fucked in the ass by a guy then that is gay. He can try to keep it on the 'down low' but eventually it WILL come out ! I will agree that the OP is likely gay because it sounds as if he has no interest in women and is just "hoping" he is Bi so he can live a 'normal' life and be able to show his face around his family. It sounds like he is trying to turn himself onto women, which to me if you have to try, you are gay.
Note: There is nothing wrong with being gay. I would fully support my son(s) if they happen to be gay.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
I think I understand where you are coming from. I hide a lot of things from my mom, including the fact that I'm a stripper and my newfound interest in other women. I'm from the south (go figure) and no one seems to understand different lifestyle choices here. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about it.
I think it's a positive thing to finally figure out what you are really into, and it's a step toward you being happy. And, in the end, isn't that what it's all about?
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
It isn't surprising to me that you didn't get a hard on from a girl you weren't even attracted to to begin with. Not to mention that not every guy gets a hard on from a lap dance. It's not a requirement and there's no sign at the door that says "get a hard on or your gay" before even walking into the place. So no, just because you didn't get a hard on doesn't guarantee you're gay.
Besides all that though honey, being gay isn't the end of the world and maybe having to move to a place that accepts you for you are wouldn't be such a bad thing. I know how hard this stuff can be (I just came out as a stripper to my dad, and as bi to my sister) but sometimes it's worth it.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Jack, if it's a woman and a man - it's not gay. Anal stimulation isn't gay.
As for the OP - have you ever in your life been attracted to a woman? I think that's more important than finding women in the SC attractive. Having a strangers vagina rubbed on my face doesn't sound attractive, and I like women sexually. If you have only ever in your life been attracted to men, it sounds like you're gay, or have some really deep intimacy issues.
I say move when you're older. Keep your head on your shoulders, finish college or whatever you're doing right now, and move. Somewhere where no one knows you and you can be yourself, 100%.
I really hope you can sort things out.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Totally agree. Being gay is not all that bad! I love my gay friends, and I'm sure once you come out you'll have so much fun within the scene. You'll meet a lot of new people who won't judge you. Try finding support via the internet, like you did with this site.
Also, I'm sure there are lots of places to meet young men in your community that share your interests. I don't think it's something to be ashamed of, but rather something to be happy about.
Also... the whole erection thing. Honey, if you saw some of the girls I worked with, your hoo hoo would probably play turtle. (heh I'm slumming right now, gotta love your dive bars.)
By the way, who says all men have to like women, and women have to like men, and you can't like both? Bah humbug!
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jack0177057
If you're not ready to "come out" (that's your decision)... maybe you should date/get dances from girls with short hair and no breasts - that look like little boys (no offense to little-breasted short-haired girls). You can fantasize the rest... Also, there are some threads here discussing strap-on sex (i.e., the girl wears a fake dick and fucks the guy like a girl) -- It seems like some girls are into this gender reversal. (Some don't even consider it gay!) If you find one of them, you might be happy for a while, until you're ready to "come out".
Thanks for the funny post!
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Sounds gay to me. Go to a male strip club and see if the guys turn you on.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
safado
Thanks for the funny post!
I'm glad not everyone takes me so seriously. I say stupid stuff just for the fun of it sometimes. :D (But, I never intend to offend anyone.)
To the OP: Girls are overrated (insecure, possessive, materialistic, full of drama, etc.),... Being gay might be a blessing.
(To the girls: You're awesome,... I'm just saying these things trying to cheer the guy up.)
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
To the OP in his mothers basement...quick, shut the computer down before she sees what you are doing. She might quit paying your internet bill ::)
FBR
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
...gay troll and that's all i have to say about that.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
I call troll.
but answering the question anyway ... don't worry about it... live your life and do what works for you at the time. labels are a waste of energy to everyone other than taxonomists
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Side note, OP: is there any way you might be asexual? Do you know for a fact that you're turned on by men, or do you just conjecture that you are by default since you don't like women? I personally am asexual, and your post actually sounded more asexual than gay to me. I used to assume I was sexually turned on by women until I realized that I didn't actually want to do anything with anyone. This might be totally off though.
I'll second another member in saying that your not being turned on by strippers is not THAT uncommon. Anyone who really pays attention to how bored the strippers look (many of them), or anyone who is turned off by casual sexual contact (they were rubbing their vaginas in your face?? GROSS!!) generally isn't turned on by strippers.
The only thing that truly sounds 'gay' to me is that you've never really been attracted to women you've dated. But I'd give yourself time before closing that door. If you can, try not to take your sexuality so seriously. Go with what feels right for now, even if that means restricting yourself to enjoying gay male porn by yourself (since it sounds like your region doesn't like ze gayz).
Trust me, if you're gay, once you get out of your conservative social situation, it'll likely become one of the things you love most about yourself.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
You are soo gay get over it and accept it already.
You know it and just don't want to deal with it and own it, but if you are looking at the other guys hardons while getting a dance surrounded by naked girls and you still want to play str8 it's pretty sad.
I thought like you till I came out and finally stopped trying to make everyone else happy.
You just know what you like and if it isn't girls then no girl will ever be right for you0just like no guy was ever right for me cuz what I want is a girl.
I know guys like you who try to live like they are str8 I dated them before coming out, I have a few that come to me to roleplay like I'm their boyfriend, a few even offered to pay me to pretend a relationship with them so their families could be happy. However even if they somehow have convinced themselves that going for a butchie girl like me is their magic answer to not being gay I know they are and playing str8 doesn't ever change that.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
I'd be more concerned about you checking out the other guys hard ons than not getting turned on by the dancer.
Straight guys don't check each other's erections at a strip club. The fact that you were afraid of the other guys looking at your dick and making fun of you for it not being hard makes you sound gay.
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
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Re: Zero "effect" from lap dance: What does this mean?
Thanks to everyone for so many replies in a short time :)
I'm definitely attracted to guys, and have had a few gay experiences with strangers when I've been out of town. I would never do it near where I live because of the danger of people finding out about me. To Hernando, the risk of violence is why I said it would be suicidal to stay where I live if I ever get found out. I wasn't talking about killing myself.
I'm still young so it might be too early to tell, but I've never seen a girl that I wanted to have sex with. When I was in high school I saw a gay bashing and decided to get a girlfriend so that wouldn't happen to me, but I felt nothing for her. When we had sex I had to think about guys to be able to do it. The only experiences I've enjoyed were the gay ones.
When I was in the strip club, I wasn't "checking out" the other guys' erections like they were "checking out" the girls. I knew they didn't have a hard on for me, so they didn't turn me on. I looked at them because I wanted to see if they were getting turned on. To hockeybobby, I think it was completely safe for me to do it because everyone else in the room was so wrapped up in the lapdance, they would never have been paying attention to what I was doing. It was like they were in a trance.
To MarvelGirl, I was afraid that the guys in the club would notice that I didn't have an erection because I thought then they would instantly recognise that I was gay.
I'm curious about what UV69 refers to as "role-playing being their boyfriend". Did you mean to say girlfriend or is the same as the strap-on business that jack0177057 talks about? It is a plastic imitation of male genitals, so I'm not sure that doing this would make a gay guy bi. Wouldn't he have to want vaginal sex too? (though perhaps this is another topic).
To JayATee, how was coming out? How do you feel now and how is your relationship with your family now compared to what you thought it would be like before you came out?
To safado, there are no male strip clubs anywhere near where I live. If there were I might have gone already, although it would probably be forced to close by the local Bible bashers.
I'm also surprised that sxcbbw says that she is attracted to women, but does not enjoy having vaginas rubbed on her face. All the other guys in the club loved it (one tried to put his nose up there), and the dancers included at as a routine part of their dance. Maybe it's something that appeals to straight guys but not to lesbians. I'm curious about what the straight guys on this board have to say about this.
Thanks to hot4ablackchick, Harleigh HellKat, JayATee anyone I forgot for the supporting attitude and thanks to everyone for their insight :)