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Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Hi SW members. I post here under another name. I just noticed it is against the rules to post under two names, but I promise it is just this once. I am dong this because I need to keep this thread anonymous and I know people who know me are also SW members.
I have done something really stupid. I am asking you all not to flame be because I know what I have done/am doing is wrong, but I can't stop myself. I also have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I have to take this secret to my grave.
I am in a very serious relationship and for the first time ever, I am a cheater. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I am doing it. I've justified it in my head a million ways but they are really all excuses.
I met a guy at a party and we really hit it off. I knew he was also in a very serious relationship and told him I was too. At that stage I really just saw it as a new friend. We just had so much in common and it was like talking to my best friend. Nothing happened but we exchanged numbers. He had invited me out another time to a group social thing and I declined because I was sick. I was honestly sick or else I would have gone. He assumed I was brushing him off and never contacted me again. A month went past and we randomly bumped into each other. I knew I was attracted to him and thought he was to me, but I was being naive. We ended up going out for dinner one night and one thing lead to another and we slept together.
He lives in another town which is close by, but far enough away that I only see him once a month maybe. Thank god. But it's been going on for months. Maybe 6 or 7. We also text each other several times a week. Sometimes several times a day. It is so weird because this is completely out of character for both of us. Neither of us has ever done this before and I am actually only the second girl he has slept with. His partner is his first. I hate being the other woman. But I can't stop myself. I try not to think about her and what it would do to her if she found out. We are always safe. I would never ever allow no condom. He's never asked anyway.
I just really cannot figure out why Im doing this. I love my BF so much. We have been together for years. We have a great sex life and a great relationship. The even scarier part. I think I am falling in love with this other guy. But it is all crazy because I still love my BF exactly the same as before. I don't want to leave him. It's like I want both relationships.
This guy is totally different than my BF. For one he has a lot of money (I try to justify it with this). I have never once asked him for anything, but he always spoils me. We always meet in expensive hotels, eat at nice restaurants, he gives me expensive gifts and will even give me cash sometimes (which I know sounds really bad, but its because I tell my BF I am going to work when I see him). He is also soooooo nice. He has a million friends. He is just as generous to all of them. Everyone who knows him that I know loves him. He is just a massive people person. He is also a bit of an alpha-male which my BF is not. He just has so much charisma, funny, sweet, etc.
What is wrong with me? Have any of you done anything like this before? I feel like I have freaking Tiger Woods syndrome or something. I don't know what to do because I know I won't stop.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Monogamy is an unnatural condition. There is no reason in the world you cannot rightfully love two people at the same time. It's not morally wrong, and you shouldn't try to convince yourself that it is.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Everyman
Monogamy is an unnatural condition. There is no reason in the world you cannot rightfully love two people at the same time. It's not morally wrong, and you shouldn't try to convince yourself that it is.
Even if your moronic ramblings had some sliver of truth behind them LYING is still morally wrong and that's the main problem with cheating. There is nothing wrong with loving more than one person at the same time as long as everyone is aware and ok with the arrangement.
A new relationship is always more fun and interesting than one that is several years old. That is simply human nature, that "new car smell" to a new relationship eventually wears off. What you need to realize is what you feel for this new guy is eventually going to wear off just like it did with your boyfriend and then all you will have is some asshole who is perfectly willing to bang a chick in another town while dating someone else.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Okay Everyman, I am not even going to get into the dispute about whether monogamy is unnatural or not. You have posted no evidence to back up this claim.
I urge anyone in a relationship to visit the following links:
http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect
http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain
http://www.entelechyjournal.com/pull...after_sex1.htm
We are biologically prone to impulsiveness in sex and relationships due to dopamine and other neurochemicals, but we don't have to be slaves to our brain chemistry. Unless we understand the biological processes that cause us to behave the way we do, there will not be harmony, and love cannot continue to mature in this current state of misunderstanding between lovers. Often things change for the worse in a relationship when the neurochemical shift kicks in. If loving partners are not aware of these changes, they will look to their partner as the source of their discontentment/unhappiness...and will look for love elsewhere. This has been a recurrent pattern in our society, and source of much grief and division.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
the guy you're having an affair with sounds like a catch, aside from cheating on his girlfriend. i don't know what you should do, but i totally understand what you're saying about wanting a relationship with both. maybe tell your boyfriend that you need a month away from him and see if your feelings change at all?
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
You might feel like you want both relationships... but they can't both last forever. Someone is going to get hurt and it might be you. We all have weaknesses and we all make mistakes. No one can tell you how to fix them. I do believe we have power over our own destiny but I also believe in fate. Sounds like youve lost control so fate might be stepping in for you at some point. Do you trust fate?
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Tell your first guy you want to try an open relationship. Give it a few months in the open and see if it's for you.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
hello-kitty
you really need to put your priorities in order... if this guy is worth it, he would leave his gf assuming you would do the same (bf)....the truth always comes out. You know what to do, I would figure something out fast before you guys get caught and end up hurting your significant other, or ruining your reputation.
i agree 110% with this
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
I don't think it's stupid to want to be with someone else even though you're in a long term relationship. It is, however, something that you should pay attention to and learn from.
It makes sense that you want to experience something different, too, esp since you say that he's so opposite of your BF. But if you had free access to this guy without having to worry about being caught and if you had more access to him, would things be different? Would the risk factor make things less interesting? Would having more easier and more frequent access to him make him less desirable? These aren't ques that you might ever find the answers to, but they're def good to keep in mind.
Excuse me for "profiling," for lack of better words, but when you say that this guy is (1) an alpha male and (2) a massive people person w so many friends....it makes me wonder if he is manipulating you and using his charismatic ways to "win you over" as another piece of ass. Sorry, maybe I'm too pessimistic and/or jaded and I'm NOT saying that ALL people who have many friends and who are alpha males/females are manipulative, but it just is something to think about, too.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
I'll admit that monogamy is hard. In my long term relationship ( now over ), I left a few times to date other people, but still sort of hung on to the main relationship. So.... It was sort of being open .... But not entirely.
It's hard! Having someone being super attentive is tempting.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Optimist
Tell your first guy you want to try an open relationship. Give it a few months in the open and see if it's for you.
I agree with this. Who knows,... maybe he's had a secret crush on someone, too, and welcomes the offer. If the relationship is serious and heading towards marriage, this would be the last opportunity to sample other merchandise and make sure each one is selecting the right/best option. Of course, discussing an open relationship might raise his suspicions. Also, I suspect the OP doesn't want him to have other romantic/sexual attachments.
I think most of us (except for the few saints on this site) are a combination of monogamous and polygamous. We are monogamous, because we want our SO to love us and worship us exclusively. But, simultaneously, we are polygamous because we are romantically and sexually attracted to other people besides our SO. Merely loving our SO, does not blind us or make us oblivious to the fact that there are many other beautiful, sexy, intelligent, fun and flirtatious people out there.
Monogamy is a compromise - I want you to love and worship me exclusively (I don't want to share you), and in return, I agree to worship you exclusively (I'll be faithful, even though I'll might be attracted to other people). It's called "cheating" because you take a personal commitment for granted and fail to honor your commitment to that person. It is betrayal... and unforgiveable. If the OP discover's her SO cheating tomorrow, she will be devastated and will pour her broken heart out on Life Support about what a scumbag he is. But, yet here she is confessing the same act of betrayal unto him.
To the OP - you've got 3 moral choices: (1) break up with guy #2, never see him again, and live with guilt, (2) break up with guy #1, or (3) agree to an open relationship with guy #1.
BTW - I don't think guy #2 takes you seriously. He's just having fun with you.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Thank you for your input everyone. I still have no clue what I am going to do. Likely fuck things up for a little longer knowing me.
As for a little more information. An open relationship is not going to work. My BF would only be ok with it if it was one-time things. Not if emotions are involved and emotions are highly involved in this situation. Jack - I have no problem with my BF being with other girls. Although I of course would be devastated if he did this to me, but I do believe in karma so I really couldn't say much if he did. I am a rational person that's why this is so bizarre.
I also have no delusions of this guy leaving his partner. I know for a fact he will never leave her. I think he would like to and dreams about it, but he is the type of guy that would never follow through. He occasionally says things like "I wish I met you first". I also really don't want to leave my BF. I can't really see myself with anyone else. I really want both relationships that's what is so strange. I've never felt anything like this. What exotica said is true. I like the excitement of it. I know the 2nd guy is not some crazy player. I know people who have known him for years and they would all be shocked that he would do something like this. It is completely out of character for him. That's part of the reason why we are both comfortable doing it. We both feel like the chances of being caught are so slim. We would each have to make really stupid mistakes to get caught. No one would ever dream either of us would do it or even dream either of us would be attracted to each other for that matter. It is so bizarre. We are also very sneaky. Which is terrible. He even has a separate phone for me. We have systems for everything.
I am a very bad person. I feel like an addict.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jack0177057
I think most of us (except for the few saints on this site) are a combination of monogamous and polygamous. We are monogamous, because we want our SO to love us and worship us exclusively. But, simultaneously, we are polygamous because we are romantically and sexually attracted to other people besides our SO. Merely loving our SO, does not blind us or make us oblivious to the fact that there are many other beautiful, sexy, intelligent, fun and flirtatious people out there.
Monogamy is a compromise - I want you to love and worship me exclusively (I don't want to share you), and in return, I agree to worship you exclusively (I'll be faithful, even though I'll might be attracted to other people).
*sighs* Dude. That is so not what monogamy is about, and I feel kinda bad for you that you THINK that's what monogamy is about.
You make it sound like a selfish child with a toy.
Monogamy is about being so damn crazy about someone that you don't want to be with anyone else, not "MINE!!! MINE!!! MINE!!!". And hopefully the object of your affection feels the same way. (This is why you TALK about monogamy and don't just assume it's going to happen.) Being monogamous to a person because you don't want them to have anyone else is a really selfish thing, because it doesn't put into perspective the other person's wants. You should be monogamous with someone because you couldn't possibly imagine being with anyone else.
That being said, to the OP, cheating is usually a good indicator that something is wrong in your current relationship. Figure out what that is, decide if it can be worked on, and go from there.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
^^^ That one-woman obsession is short-lived. Most men, whether they cheat or are loyal, cannot help lusting for other women. Its part of our culture of the "pornification" of everything. Porn and sexually suggestive images are everywhere because men (and women) think about sex all the time. Even the most loving and doting BF or husband is fantasizing about other women (and the women are fantasizing about other men).
After a night of sensual passion with my GF, I wake up with that feeling of "so damn crazy about someone that you don't want to be with anyone else". But, as the day goes buy, I run across so many images and real life beautiful women in sexy clothes... (even in a conservative workplace, secretaries dress in sexy blouses that show cleavage or tight blouses that you want to see through)... plus you have inevitable flirting that goes on as men and women try to validate themselves with the attention they get from the opposite sex... There is nothing wrong with lusting for other people or even having little crushes, as long as you don't act on it. I read an article that said it was normal and even healthy for married women to have crushes on other men, as long as they: (1) understood it for what it was (just a little feeling of attraction), (2) controll it, (3) do not act on it and (4) try to direct those feeling back into your marriage.
Making a commitment doesn't mean the temptation will go away, it just means you have to resist it. I don't want to want to sleep with anyone besides my GF, but I can't help wanting to. What I do have control over is whether I act on those desires or not.
If BF and husbands were given liberty to have affairs with no resentment from their GF/wives or any adverse ramifications, I wager that 85% would. I wager the percentage of women that would do the same is about the 75%. (But, according to some articles I've read, it might actually be higher than the men's.)
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
exotica268
Excuse me for "profiling," for lack of better words, but when you say that this guy is (1) an alpha male and (2) a massive people person w so many friends....it makes me wonder if he is manipulating you and using his charismatic ways to "win you over" as another piece of ass. Sorry, maybe I'm too pessimistic and/or jaded and I'm NOT saying that ALL people who have many friends and who are alpha males/females are manipulative, but it just is something to think about, too.
this.
he is using you. you are probably not the only one. you aren't the first. you won't be the last.
he's good at it. he's charming. he tells you what you want to hear and spends money. the money is so you won't get mad when it's over, because at least he spoiled you while it lasted. if he wasn't spending, he'd still be manipulating you and using you, so at least he is spending, which is a lot easier to handle than a dude jerking you around and being cheap (like tiger).
if you want to have your fun, have your fun. but it's very unlikely that you matter to him. you're a toy. he is playing with you.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jack0177057
^^^ That one-woman obsession is short-lived. Most men, whether they cheat or are loyal, cannot help lusting for other women. Its part of our culture of the "pornification" of everything. Porn and sexually suggestive images are everywhere because men (and women) think about sex all the time. Even the most loving and doting BF or husband is fantasizing about other women (and the women are fantasizing about other men).
After a night of sensual passion with my GF, I wake up with that feeling of "so damn crazy about someone that you don't want to be with anyone else". But, as the day goes buy, I run across so many images and real life beautiful women in sexy clothes... (even in a conservative workplace, secretaries dress in sexy blouses that show cleavage or tight blouses that you want to see through)... plus you have inevitable flirting that goes on as men and women try to validate themselves with the attention they get from the opposite sex... There is nothing wrong with lusting for other people or even having little crushes, as long as you don't act on it. I read an article that said it was normal and even healthy for married women to have crushes on other men, as long as they: (1) understood it for what it was (just a little feeling of attraction), (2) controll it, (3) do not act on it and (4) try to direct those feeling back into your marriage.
Making a commitment doesn't mean the temptation will go away, it just means you have to resist it. I don't want to want to sleep with anyone besides my GF, but I can't help wanting to. What I do have control over is whether I act on those desires or not.
If BF and husbands were given liberty to have affairs with no resentment from their GF/wives or any adverse ramifications, I wager that 85% would. I wager the percentage of women that would do the same is about the 75%. (But, according to some articles I've read, it might actually be higher than the men's.)
While I agree with you that the urges are still there and you must deal with them (it's okay to look, I'm not blind, I see the pretty girl too...) but I absolutely 100% am calling bullshit on your little wager that all women would quickly embrace their inner sluts if they were free to do so.
Every relationship I've ever been in, except my current one, I've been cheated on. Usually more than once. But guess what? I've never cheated. Not even for revenge, not even when my sig. other wanted an "open relationship", I was mentally and physically unable to be with someone else. According to your theory I would have dropped my panties the first night. WROOOOOONG.
One of the most entertaining things about this forum is the fact that the men holler about we don't TRULY understand the male species, we couldn't possibly, not only because we aren't male, but because our delicate little female brains couldn't handle it. we might get the vapors!!!
but yet, for some reason...you're all experts on the female mind.
I don't even WANT to argue this anymore. You've taken ALL the fun out of it.
Booooo. :toldoff:
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
^ I'm sorry you've been cheated on. I didn't mean to say anything to offend... And I am certainly not justifying it.
Also, I didn't say I was an expert, just that I would place a wager.
The "experts" say that women cheat for different reasons than men. It's not lust like men, but rather, they feel unappreciated and insecure and the new guy gives them the attention, validation and excitement that is lacking in their existing relationship. Here are articles that explain why men cheat and why women cheat:
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/c...g_husband.html
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/c...ting_wife.html
Statistics on infidelity -- http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/q...tatistics.html
Survey on infidelity -- http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664...sexual_health/
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
It seems like so many of us are damaged. We damage others, people do it to us. The world is so full of pain and suffering and deceit and bullshit, the very least we can do is be just in our dealings with others. Life is so short that I don't want to rob anyone of their precious time by lying and deceiving them.
The thing to overcome is the fear of losing the other. This is true possessiveness. You want to keep the boyfriend even if you are hurting him. It takes courage to step out of your comfort zone and stand on your own. If you find someone else irresistible, you owe it to your boyfriend, out of respect, to tell him you want to see another. Let the chips fall where they may. If the other man truly isn't worth losing your boyfriend, you need to stop this now.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jack0177057
I'm always intrigued by case studies, and yes, numbers and statistics don't lie, but as far as the "reasons" people cheat, they are as varied as the number of people in this world. Everyone has reasons why they do what they do, even if they don't necessarily understand them.
But I think blaming infidelity on biology is just a cheap cop-out. Humans have risen above instinct and hard-wiring because of our more advanced brains (and opposable thumbs). It is almost insulting to the human species and evolution to say, "Oh shit, my biology made me do it!!!!"
The only advice I can give to people who are cheating is to think really long and hard about why you're doing it. Not only are you hurting your significant other, but you're doing a great disservice to yourself, because you aren't being honest. Deception breeds guilt, guilt breeds resentment, resentment breeds hatred. You'll end up hating your sig. other and also yourself. There's enough bad shit in this world, we don't need people purposely bringing on themselves.
On another note, has anyone else ever noticed that a tell-tale sign of cheating is when your significant other begins accusing YOU of cheating? I'm convinced it's some form of projecting guilt, but I'm curious to see whether anyone else has noticed it.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Everyman
Monogamy is an unnatural condition. There is no reason in the world you cannot rightfully love two people at the same time. It's not morally wrong, and you shouldn't try to convince yourself that it is.
While I agree it's not a natural condition, we are not animals, and we can make choices. We are not bound by instinct, and if you make a commitment to someone, you should honor it.
It is morally wrong to lie to someone like this.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
wanderlust08
*sighs* Dude. That is so not what monogamy is about, and I feel kinda bad for you that you THINK that's what monogamy is about.
You make it sound like a selfish child with a toy.
Monogamy is about being so damn crazy about someone that you don't want to be with anyone else, not "MINE!!! MINE!!! MINE!!!". And hopefully the object of your affection feels the same way. (This is why you TALK about monogamy and don't just assume it's going to happen.) Being monogamous to a person because you don't want them to have anyone else is a really selfish thing, because it doesn't put into perspective the other person's wants. You should be monogamous with someone because you couldn't possibly imagine being with anyone else.
That being said, to the OP, cheating is usually a good indicator that something is wrong in your current relationship. Figure out what that is, decide if it can be worked on, and go from there.
Your post is the difference between men and women, or at least most men and women.
That said, once you make a commitment, you should honor it.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
First off, you are putting yourself and others in a dangerous situation by lying. I agree with the idea that you might want to tell your current BF that you want to try an open relationship - or ask to take a break. However, the other issue is that you may not fully understand guy #2. How does he see you? Is he in love with you? Does he think of you as a sugar baby? Or is it just that you are new and exciting so it's like a crush since he's inexperienced?
Either way, guy #1 deserves honesty from you - or at the very least to ask to have the relationship status changed.
Guy #2 you need to figure out how he feels about you.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by
wanderlust08
But I think blaming infidelity on biology is just a cheap cop-out. Humans have risen above instinct and hard-wiring because of our more advanced brains (and opposable thumbs). It is almost insulting to the human species and evolution to say, "Oh shit, my biology made me do it!!!!"
I agree with this 100%... Biology (and psychology) might contribute to the temptation to cheat, but that does not mean we are slaves to these impulses without any personal accountability. If you have no self-control and biology "made" you cheat, than you are acting like a rapist who uses the same rationality - that he couldn't control his urges. But, we are not animals (at least most of us aren't).
There are many things that I want and even feel that I need, but I know that I can't have and my intelligence makes me accept this fact. Biologically, I want to be as comfortable and as "happy" as possible, but, I can't break into the best house in my neighborhood, steal everything (or kill the owners and make it my new home) - and blame my behaviour on my biological need to be comfortable and happy.
On the other hand, though,... we can't ignore that people do have some raw animalistic drives/impulses and that they have personal flaws and lapses in judgment. If this were not so, we'd all be perfect and never cause pain and suffering to others.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
the other guy is just for fun.... stay with the one you really love and supports you, not just spoils you. I vote BF.
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Re: Why am I being so stupid? - long sorry
^^ Totally! If you truly LOVE your boyfriend then this other guy would never have had a chance........you would have kicked him into touch before it even started.