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I cannot believe I'm posting this...
I just need advice. Badly. I'm probably going to delete this because just the thought of me posting this really upsets me. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years/living together 1 year. I really do love him he is an amazing person. He does a lot for me and treats me great. But for the past six months I just completely lost the romance. I consider him my best friend more than my boyfriend. We havn't had sex in almost 3 months and when he kisses me I feel nothing. He doesn't turn me on AT ALL anymore. My family adores him and he is a good person. I love him and I don't want to lose him. Losing him would be losing everything. I would feel like half of me is gone. I have zero sex drive for him. The only time I get turned on is when I think of a guy friend of mine that I have a major crush on. I would do ANYTHING to have sex with him. I would never cheat on my boyfriend ever. But god.... I am not sexually happy in my relationship at all. I would love to have an open relationship but my boyfriend would NEVER go for it. I don't know what else to do. I feel like a horrible person because my boyfriend has done nothing wrong. I don't want to lose him.... I don't know what to do..... :'(
Sorry this is long.. I had to get this off my chest...
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Is your boyfriend not interested in sex with you either?
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
sounds like a relationship i had, even down to the timespan...didnt have sex for the last haff a yr, wasnt turned on by him at all, but it wasnt anything to do with looks or sexskills (he had those things) but becuz he didnt want kids from me then or in the near future and that realy turned me off that he didnt want the things i want. call me primal but im the type that - if a guy im commited to for a long time doesnt see me as good enuff mother material - i lose the sexdrive. for u, is there a specifick reason why u feel ur not sexualy attracted to him any more? (that u know of) and is the feeling mutual or does he keep tryin to have sex with u but u keep turning him down?
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
My boyfriend is still very interested in sex and I know it hurts him terribly that I never want to have sex. He doesn't push me or guilt me into it either....
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
I don't know what to tell you, i've never been in a situation where i wanted to be in a relationship with someone i wasn't interested in sexually. Are you sure its HIM you want and not just a relationship with someone? You might just be sticking around because you don't want to be alone rather than because you want to be with him.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Have you tried talking to him about it? You don't have to say that it's just HIM you're not attracted to. You can just say that you have no libido and don't know why. Let him know that this is an issue for you. You can maybe work on it as a couple. Or if the thought of repairing the situation doesn't appeal to you, it's probably time to leave.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Trem
I don't know what to tell you, i've never been in a situation where i wanted to be in a relationship with someone i wasn't interested in sexually. Are you sure its HIM you want and not just a relationship with someone? You might just be sticking around because you don't want to be alone rather than because you want to be with him.
This.
how old were you when you got in the relationship? and is it your first long term relationship?
a lot of people tend to stick around in relationships because they get comfortable in them. You have someone who is a best friend and is probably a source of comfort. and understandably, you dont want him out of your life. However, especially if you were young when you first got involved, you might have changed a lot in the past 2 yrs... you guys might not even be suited for each other romantically.
Are you planning on marrying this guy? My take on long relationships that go stagnant is to get out... especially if you are young. or maybe take a break. You might be involved for the wrong reasons, and if you are just sticking around because you are comfortable as opposed to romantically and sexually attracted to this guy, then the situation is only going to get worse from here out.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
This might be totally off...but are you sure you aren't just in a natural relationship lull? You might just be blowing a natural lull out of proportion. Maybe just go with the flow, enjoy naughty fantasies about other boys, and your feelings for your boyfriend will come back?
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
charlie61
This might be totally off...but are you sure you aren't just in a natural relationship lull? You might just be blowing a natural lull out of proportion. Maybe just go with the flow, enjoy naughty fantasies about other boys, and your feelings for your boyfriend will come back?
Agree.
Do you think you will ever be attracted to him again, Or is your libido just stone cold dead? If its dead you are better off breaking up sooner, rather than later. Prolonging the inevitable will NOT help, trust me. It will just make it harder/uglier/nastier when you do split....
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
I used to break up with people when I hit lulls. Then I realized that if I just stopped worrying about it, all of the feelings came back.
I go through lulls when I'm especially stressed about school or other stuff....
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Oh, I wasn't saying she should break up over a lull; I should have clarified. I was saying she should break up if she was sure it wasn't.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
^ Yes. That's what I meant as well. :)
I said I used to break up w/ people during lulls. Not anymore!
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
i would def talk about it before he gets the wrong idea.... do u guys fight about having no sex? he needs to understand u love him.... talk to ur doctor, maybe ur birth control is affecting ur sexdrive? is he a monter in bed, or is he vanilla? ( i guess im trying to see who has the problem lol) ~maybe try a night of booze, pornos, and a 3 way ----JK :)
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
This happened to me with my first BF. We were together 8 years. There was nothing wrong with the sex, I always orgasmed. Wasn't amazing but at the time I didn't know any better. I really loved him and he was without doubt my best friend in the world, but over time I completely lost interest in him sexually. Even now the though of having sex with him again makes me feel a bit nauseas haha! And his is a good- looking guy. I had always assumed I was a non-sexual person.
Until I met my now husband.... the chemistry was ridiculous! I always thought the drive would fade.. but 6 years on it is still the same. I just find him incredibly sexy. We go through times when we have more sex than others, but my sexual attraction to him never changes.
I am of the opinion that if you are not sexually attracted to someone then they are just your friend. I believe a healthy sexual relationship is incredibly important in a SO relationship.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
This has happened a couple of times to me and my husband in our 22 years together. Boredom and complacency were the root causes of the problems.
First thing you need to do, is to realise that this does not necessarily spell the end of the relationship. You both need to sit down and talk about what makes each other 'tick' and what is a 'turn on' and a 'turn off' for each of you. Then give yourselves some time to work at it and see if there's any improvement.
You've been together two years. The time that the magic tends to appear to fade out of nearly all relationships to be honest. It's the time that you should begin to realise that there's more to this than just wild sex and adventure.
You say you've lost the Romance? Excitement doesn't go on forever, it needs working on. How much does HE work on romancing you? It's a two way street this relationship thing, and if 'you've lost that lovin feelin' then I'm sure that he has a part to play in it as well. Consistently wanting sex with you is a whole lot different to romancing you and showing that he truly loves you. Which is maybe what you're missing, and had in the early days of your relationship. Great sex is the end result of this, or at least, it should be.
Your crush on this other guy is a symptom of boredom I feel. If you can re-kindle the same feelings for your man, that you have for this 'fantasy guy', then your relationship could come back to pretty much where it was before.
It's worth trying. Sex aside, your man sounds like he has a lot of the qualities that we all look for in a partner. Ending the relationship before you've given it a chance is something you may come to regret.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
My first suggestion is cynical, so I apologize in advance - He might be having an affair, since guys cannot go that long without sex. Catch him in the affair and break up with him.
If he is not having an affair - Break up with him and blame yourself for it. Tell him he hasn't done anything wrong, but that you have lost interest in sex and and romance, and he needs to find someone that has crazy romantic feelings for him and makes him happy.
This is assuming that it is impossible to reignite the romance... Isn't there anything that could reignite it?
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jack0177057
My first suggestion is cynical, so I apologize in advance - He might be having an affair, since guys cannot go that long without sex. Catch him in the affair and break up with him.
If he is not having an affair - Break up with him and blame yourself for it. Tell him he hasn't done anything wrong, but that you have lost interest in sex and and romance, and he needs to find someone that has crazy romantic feelings for him and makes him happy.
This is assuming that it is impossible to reignite the romance... Isn't there anything that could reignite it?
I do NOT agree with this. My man and I rarely have sex right now(mainly due to pregnancy problems) but I can guarantee he is NOT having an affair. There are very understanding decent guys out there. Not every one is going to cheat because their relationship is in a dry spell.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
^ I said he MIGHT not that he IS... Also, your case is medical and it sounds like you're married. In the OP's case, she's not attracted to him. He's probably somewhat aware of this.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
If you are under 21, break up with him.
If you are older than 25, work on it.
Anywhere in between...I don't know.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
^^im not older than 25 so i dont know how it is there.
but yea, that is why i asked about the age. from her photos she looks very young (like between 19 and 22. then again photos can be decieving). i feel like putting forth effort into a relationship where the attraction seems dead at a young age is silly. especially since 2 yrs involves a lot of mental changes for people around this age.
so yea... i think Mr. Hyde did a much better job of phrasing this simply.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
I went through this with my ex of 3 years. Eventually I just started cheating on him and the relationship went to shit. So, avoid that mess. You can try to spice things up. But if you guys haven't done it in 3 months, chances are he knows you're not into him and has resigned himself to jerking off in order to maintain the good relationship.
I dunno, we tried to spice it up together, but once I started badly desiring other men, it was destined to fail. As Mr. Hyde said, your age is important here. If you're very young, early 20's, give yourself more time to find a more suitable match.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jack0177057
My first suggestion is cynical, so I apologize in advance - He might be having an affair, since guys cannot go that long without sex. Catch him in the affair and break up with him.
Though admittedly off-putting, I wouldn't rule this possibility out. I'm not sure I'd handle it this way, but....it would be so typical for the woman to be blaming the lost flame on herself while, in reality, the guy is out getting his kicks with someone else.
I'm not saying that's the case; just that it isn't the worst advice.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Thanks to everyone that has replied. Last night we got in a fight which strangely enough ended in angry/amazing/make-up sex.... Sex that we went without for months... I don't know what else to say other than I want to do it again.
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
^ My husband and I went through the exact same thing.
Personally, I discovered that I had some subconscious "rules" about sex that I needed to work through because of it. (Militantly Catholic upbringing sort of skewed how I saw sex.)
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Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...
Yeah,... getting into a fight/argument with my GF usually means 3-5 days of no sex (silent treatment), followed by very passionate make-up sex.
I haven't learned how to get make-up sex the same day as the fight/argument, though... Any tips?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
idreamofaislin
Personally, I discovered that I had some subconscious "rules" about sex that I needed to work through because of it. (Militantly Catholic upbringing sort of skewed how I saw sex.)
Maybe you should try incorporating "discipline" into your sex. Wear a schoolgirl outfit and let your husband "discipline" you for having naughty "sinful" thoughts... Just an idea... Personally, I think light BDSM is very compatible with a "militantly Catholic" upbringing. I had some mean nuns with big paddles in my Catholic elementary school... They were not pretty,... but replace them with images of hot young sexy nuns, and a frightful childhood situation is transformed and given new meaning...
I know... very sinful thoughts... But, why are sexy nun costumes so popular?