Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
So, in a couple weeks I will be getting married. Something that, as little as a year ago, I never would have imagined myself doing. But I'm very very happy.
It's made me reflect on other big life experiences I've never thought I'd be interested in. Like having a child.
The man I am marrying has a family history that suggests a tendency towards autism. He has a child that MAY have some slight aspergers (he exhibits some symptoms, but it's very minor and he functions pretty much as a normal 10 year old). He has a nephew that is severely autistic- speaks very rarely, spends most of his time drawing lamp posts over and over again. I know he has other older relatives in his extended family who are autistic as well.
I was recently on a debate forum where I encountered an 18 year old who said some very strange things. Whatever I said he took to a ridiculous extreme. If I said "I am happy working in the sex industry" and just that, then he screams "HOW DARE YOU DENY THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE SUFFERING IN THE SEX INDUSTRY! YOU DISGUST ME!" He'll be fine for a bit and we'll be having a perfectly civil conversation, but it always ends in some weird conclusion that I literally cannot even see how one could arrive at. And the worst part is that it makes him extremely angry and volatile. Sometimes out of the blue he will insist that I have just called him "a retard", sometimes when I'm not even talking to him, but having a conversation with someone else. He will start screaming "YOU CALLED ME A RETARD!" He's gotten me blocked and banned from certain debate forums because he tells the mods that I am calling him names. I still to this day have never called him a name even once.
Long story short, I noticed that he exhibited some signs of aspergers. I gingerly suggested that this might be the cause of some of our miscomunications. His response was to say "you have just committed blackmaill! I'm notifying the authorities!" Again...I do not understand at all. But he did then admit that yes, he has aspergers. in the form of saying "the only way you could know that is if you hacked my computer! I'm calling homeland security!"
So now I am terrified at the prospect of having a child with a man who has a history of autism in his family. The son he has now is a delightful little boy, even with his minor problems. But I can't imagine having a child like internet boy! Really, it sounds like the worst situation imaginable, to have a child who twists every other thing you say into some sort of personal attacks, who is so paranoid he sees threats in everything, who is verbally abusive and crazy every single day, who may never be able to function in the world (really, how will this kid ever hold down a job!? Any job?).
Maybe this means I'm just too selfish to ever be a mother, but I just don't think I would have it in me to raise a child like that and maintain my own mental health. I am honestly worried it would literally drive me insane.
I don't know what kind of responses I'm looking for exactly. I just need to discuss this somehow because I'm obsessing about it in my own head. I imagine myself having a child like that and I see myself eventually breaking down and screaming back. And then I feel guilty and horrible and disgusted with myself.
Have any of you mothers experienced anything like this? Either raising a child with autism, or the fears of having a child with lifelong problems? It seems like it's pretty taboo for a woman to ever admit that a problem with her child is beginning to overwhelm her, but I imagine it must happen, especially in extreme circumstances like that.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
Congrats on your marriage! In the case of the guy online, could be he's playing a game. I've seen people claim to be one thing online but another offline.
Yes, I am terrified of having a child with autism and so is the guy I hope to marry. He thinks we are too old to have kids (though he wants to be a dad) because we'll "definitely" get an autistic child. Autism doesn't run in my family or his but he's scared of this. I am too, but not really because of age. It just seems that this seems to be more common. I would hate to bring a child into the world who will have any issues. On the other hand I often wonder how many people disagnosed with it actually has it.
I do know there are several tests to see how common autism is in each person. I'll probably take these before I decide to become pregnant.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
^^^ Thanks Kelly, it's good to know I'm not alone in this fear. I didn't know about the test either, that's good to know also.
I don't think this kid is playing a game. I've watched him, and he doesn't seem like troll. Most of the time he just talks to people who don't disagree with him on anything, and then he seems perfectly polite and calm and even quite intelligent. It seems to just be when someone disagrees with him, he gets all these crazy negative ideas about them. He even tried to debate logically for awhile before it happens, and he seems to genuinely be trying hard to debate intelligently...until the inevitable freakout.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
You're definitely not alone with this fear. I know this is one of the main things I am concerned about having a child at my age. I know autism can happen anytime but it does increase as one gets older. I know that in the event I decided to eventualy have a child with this guy (or any guy really) I will get completely checked out and have him checked out. I know there are also things you can do to prevent autism (various foods for example) so those are other things I'll check into as well. I really would hate having any forms of autism, though those with a mild form can have relatively normal lives.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
I'm betting you'd deal with it just fine, just as you dealt with the internet guy. We have an amazing capacity to overcome even the most difficult challenges. Usually, the worst-case scenarios that our minds are busy conjuring never materialize, but that doesn't stop us from living them over and over in our heads...making ourselves crazy with stress and anxiety.
"don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest" ~anonymous
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
My youngest son is severly autistic. I was a very healthy 32 yr old when he was born, so the age issue is kinda moot, imo. It's also not the end of the world! I'm not saying it's ideal, but he is my babydoll regardless of what challenges we face.
Also, worrying about the possibility of problems in your possible future child does not make you selfish! It's completely normal. If you didn't worry about stuff like that, I'd think that may be an indicator you might not be cut out for mommyhood.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
^^^ I only had to deal with internet guy for a short amount of time everyday. And I could turn off the computer and have a break whenever I wanted. And I didn't deal with him perfectly, by a long shot. I never called him names (though I did get a little snippy at times) but if I had to do it over again I would just walk away when he started to freak out. Instead, I tried to calmly correct him. I even pointed out that his aspergers might be skewing his view of reality a few times. It did nothing to help the situation at all, and I suspect he told a mod that I was mocking him for his condition because I was blocked the next day. What I really want to do is say "You know what? Fine, You are a fucking retard." Not because I think he's really retarded, but because I'm tired of trying in vain to talk him down. I just want to say "You think everyone's calling you a retard? Fine, have it your way then. You're a fucking retard." I don't think I'd say that to my child, but after weeks, months, years of the same issue, I can see myself yelling "WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS SAME STUPID SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY!??? NO ONE SAID RETARD!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! ARGGHHHH!!!!"
That would be horrible :(
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
Princess,
would you mind sharing some of the challenges you've encountered with having a child with autism? I'd be very interested to know what they were and how you dealt with it. Have you ever felt overwhelmed by it? If so, what did you do to find the strength to overcome that?
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
Even if you got really frustrated, and blew off steam, it probably wouldn't be the end of the world. We're just people...sometimes we stumble. Healthy kids will test your patience and tolerance too. Hell, adults do. If it were to happen, do you think you could forgive yourself, and try to be more patient and loving? You could allow yourself to be an imperfect mother. My Mom wasn't perfect...we got through it ok though.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
This is one of the many reasons I have decided to never have children. My family has a strong history of Down syndrome and Cerebral palsy, so I'm terrified to have a child with those diseases, or autism, etc.
Beyond the difficulties of having a child with disabilities, there's also the fear of what the heck would happen to the child when I die.
My aunt for instance, is severely disabled; unable to feed herself or anything. Her mother died at the age of 40, when my aunt was only 16 or so. If my aunt didn't have my mother, she would have been had no one, and would have been a ward of the state. That's just too scary, and I could never leave a child's future uncertain like that.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kandie_kitten
This is one of the many reasons I have decided to never have children. My family has a strong history of Down syndrome and Cerebral palsy, so I'm terrified to have a child with those diseases, or autism, etc.
Beyond the difficulties of having a child with disabilities, there's also the fear of what the heck would happen to the child when I die.
My aunt for instance, is severely disabled; unable to feed herself or anything. Her mother died at the age of 40, when my aunt was only 16 or so. If my aunt didn't have my mother, she would have been had no one, and would have been a ward of the state. That's just too scary, and I could never leave a child's future uncertain like that.
Things like this are why I'll get checked before I consider having a child. I'll be at least 40 or 41 before I even start trying, which increases risks. I did have a cousin with Downs but otherwise no other serious illnesses (though another cousin same side died of leukemia). I think it's very admirable to decide not to have kids if the risks were too high. I won't consider having a child if the risks are too high.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Kellydancer
I think it's very admirable to decide not to have kids if the risks were too high. I won't consider having a child if the risks are too high.
Well put. I agree entirely. I am glad to be learning that there are tests to determine what the likelihood is for some of these.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
I've put off responding to this... because at some point I've thought the same thing - so it must be natural to worry about. I've never had kids but obviously I've thought about it, & considered the fact that there's always a chance a child won't be fully healthy.
I will say that I was in the nail salon yesterday watching TV & they were talking about a woman named Temple who has a movie coming out about her life. She was supposedly autistic... but her story is amazing! You might want to watch it... I think it might relieve your mind a lot.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278469/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wt1IY3ffoU
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Elvia
Well put. I agree entirely. I am glad to be learning that there are tests to determine what the likelihood is for some of these.
I'm getting all of these tests done before I conceive because I know in my heart I couldn't abort, but would have a hard time raising a disabled child. I'd be fine with adopting if there is too much of a risk. I'm not sure all of the tests they can run, but I'm not worried about all of the diseases, basically any disease that could prevent the baby from having a full life. Then again there are people with mild Downs who have full lives and even work (there are a few actors with it). Someone told me that very mild autism can be cured, but not sure if that's true.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Elvia
Princess,
would you mind sharing some of the challenges you've encountered with having a child with autism? I'd be very interested to know what they were and how you dealt with it. Have you ever felt overwhelmed by it? If so, what did you do to find the strength to overcome that?
For me the hardest part was Ethan not wanting to be held as an infant. I literally could have fed and changed him and completely left him alone otherwise and he would have been MUCH happier. Luckily I'm an annoyingly affectionate mom who just decided, I had you, Imma hold you when I want to....which was a lot. According to his pediatrician, this is what makes the difference in a lot of cases between a very voilent acting child who sits and rocks in the corner and one like Ethan who just appears at first glance to have a few quirks.
First off he was 3 on 4/26 and he still doesn't speak, beyond Mommy, Daddy, Momaw and Popaw. This presents a few challenges on it's own, but at least lately he shows some interest in learning to speak. I have to be hyper aware to make sure his needs are met because sometimes he wants something he can't just point to. He also does not give kisses and rarely makes eye contact which make it super duper important to make sure he knows he's loved.
Hmm, some other notable challenges, he doesn't recognize danger AT ALL. I can't let go of his hand if we are near vehicles, water, anything basically, for even a split second. I recently invested in a backpack leash to help with this, because where he is getting stronger and more mobile, I was terrified he was going to get hurt. His behavoir is also kinda really unpredictible, like he will be kissing you, then draw back and smack the crap outta you, while still smiling or just randomly pick up objects and throw them. He takes the backs off of any battery compartment he can find, especially remotes, he breaks the little tabs so it can't be put back on. We had to Ethan proof the bathroom, by sticking the tp way up on the wall out of his reach. We also have to stick to a routine or things just go into constant meltdown mode, but I have to try to switch things up sometimes too, like last winter he got stuck on these striped pant pj's and there were FITS trying to get him to wear anything else (not just at bedtime, he wanted to wear his striped jammies all day long).
There is more I'm sure, but this is probably going to overwhelm everyone enough. lol It really isn't bad at all! You adjust and adapt as they grow. Sometimes you feel overwhelmed, but much of this stuff is perfectly normal kid behavoir, they just normally grow out of it around 2-3ish. We have bad days where I'm crying and wondering how I'll make it another hour, and we have good days where we just play and have fun all day long....luckily the good days far outweigh the bad! ;)
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
The internet guy has something more going on than Aspergers or Autism. Myself, I have Aspergers, my son has aspegers and my daughter has psychosis!
I have managed to get through life, I can even get away with seeming to be reasonably "normal' and I became a dancer to learn how to do the whole social thing. My son is getting there too, though he does have a lot of meltdowns it seems the rough teen years is even rougher for him.
My daughter with the psychosis was doing the whole cutting, seeing things, hearing voices telling her to do all sorts of nasty things. She has had counseling, is on medication and is now managing to get through life.l She is going to University ahead of her friends, has a fantastic supportinve boyfriend,and is blooming into a beautiful woman.
Some days are awful. But then I tell someone about my terrible day and it is actually quite funny from a different perspective (or after time has passed). My poor husband gets stressed sometimes and I remind him when our 6ft teenage son may be throwing a full on toddler tantrum in the supermarket, that, we don't have to face wiping his bum, or feeding him through a tube or any of those nasty things that face some people.
The thing is you can be hit by a bus tomorrow, or struck down with swine flu, have a disastrous allergic reaction to something mundane like a peanut, so there's no guarantee about anything in life. Aspergers is a learning difficulty, but only because we see the world different (and don't get the unspoken social rules thing).
Not really sure what I'm trying to say, but don't base an important life decision the despicable behavior of one person you hardly know.
Re: Afraid of Having an Autistic Child
My 11-year-old brother is autistic, AND he's terribly spoiled by my parents, especially my dad, who will usually just rather give him what he wants because it's easier than interacting with him. My dad also NEVER follows up on anything Robert is told. If Robert does something really bad or destructive, he doesn't get punished. Dad lets him come into my room and mess with my shit all the time, because it's easier.
Being around Robert made me terrified of having kids, period. But not just Robert...I've NEVER been around a child I could tolerate. My Mom always insists, "It's not the kids, it's the parents." But then where are all the well-behaved smart children? Cause all I ever see are loud, moronic, spoiled children.
But my boyfriend and I are going to be engaged very soon, and probably married within the year. And he wants kids, though he has acknowledged that I am not going to have kids just because HE wants them. The fear of having anything like my brother is just overwhelming. I honestly don't think I could stand it.