How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
without going in to too much detail, how do you deal with a friend who does something that is irresponsible, suffers the consequences of their irresponsibility, and then tells you about it as if they are a victim?
I find it VERY hard to be sympathetic to someone like this, even friends, if they refuse to acknowledge their role in what they've done.
Am I the only one that experiences this on occasion?
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
Yes I have. Call them out on it.
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kaiarose
Yes I have. Call them out on it.
Yeah....I'd like to, but often when this happens, if you call them out on it, they get huffy, you know?
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
Happens all the time with my BPD mother. You have to call them out on it. There are ways to do it so that the other person doesn't get huffy. It mostly has to do with validation; ie when my mother was pissed that she was fired from a volunteer program: "You brought this upon yourself when you over-scheduled yourself, KNOWING you couldn't meet all these commitments; and even though it's okay to be angry and irritated, it's your actions that lead to this. You have a right to be upset, but ultimately you're the one that casued this". *followed by hug and maybe a suggestion at a resolution/cheer up idea*.
Tends to ease the irritation less....
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
I've certainly encountered people like this...friends and loved ones. It can be stressful. I agree that calling people out on it is a good idea. I am not the best at this (bless your heart for those who are). I try to help them see their role but I think I end up being too passive for them to get it. As a result I distance myself from individuals like this.
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
+1 on that. I just try to pick a good moment to suggest how they may have misplayed the hand and I'll debate a bit if necessary. If they don't want to agree then I leave it for the next time it happens. After three years I had to back off of a friendship because she wasn't moving forward and was trying to pull me into her defeatist co-dependent nonsense. She was one of those "All men are scum" girls. It wasn't them. It was her consistently bad taste and low self-esteem that made her ignore drug use, womanizing, emotional abuse..... But I'm naive to think there are plenty of great men to date. ::)
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
timing means a lot. and so does acknowledging that people make mistakes (some more often than others).
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
Hm, I deal with this type of situation pretty frequently haha. I try to nicely enlighten my friends to thier own involvement so that they can avoid similar situations in the future, and I am not enabling them.
I do this with a sandwhich!
Nice thing - This is such a horrible situation, I feel badly this is happening
The truth - Next time maybe if you dont ___ then ____ won't escalate
Nice thing - You can't control other people you can only prove how ___ you are by doing ___
Hope that makes sense?
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
Listen, sympathise as far as you are able and then gently point out the ways in which they might have contributed to the situation and how they can avoid it next time.
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
This can be a tricky situation depending on how sensitive and clueless your friend is. I personally am tired of sensitive people who act like they want your advise, but when you give it, they get all butt hurt (small rant) I say tell your friend about him or herself and let them know...hey, if you do xyz, you better be prepared to deal with the consequences. We can't make mistakes forever and then expect a bail out, or sympathy from people when we KNOW we are wrong.
If your friend is super sensitive, and I am thinking they might be, then they wont even appreciate you trying to give some constructive advise. They may then get pissed as if YOU did something wrong to them! I have dealt with a few people like this!
Personally I am not on that bullshit right now, and would not have the patience.
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
It depends a lot on the person, sometimes I would call them out, sometimes I would do what Kat w suggests...
If it's a repeat offender, I'm probably just not gonna say a word. If they press the issue "why aren't you saying anything" then I'll give em' both barrels.
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
I'd point out to them gently how they got themselves in the situation so they can avoid it in the future.
But I would make some form of effort towards not sounding like a TOTAL dick.
Re: How do you deal with a friend who does something wrong, and then wants sympathy?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DesuvsDeath
I'd point out to them gently how they got themselves in the situation so they can avoid it in the future.
But I would make some form of effort towards not sounding like a TOTAL dick.
I agree, unless it's a friend who does this all the damn time. I have a pal who, nice girl though she is, is just a walking series of disasters. They're all due to her own attitude and behaviors (and lord knows I've been there), but she paints herself as the eternal victim. EVERYTHING is always someone else's fault. After a while it's hard to be sympathetic. You just want to smack 'em.