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thank you, stripper web.
truthfully, i dont know what im doing on this site. i mean, i signed up years ago when i was dating my ex who had been a dancer for 10 years. she told me to make an account so i could read some of the hilarity on these boards. we dated for 3.5 years and apparently she was a bit of a pain on these forums. i would come home from work and she would fill me in on the days SW gossip.
she came out with me on a few book tours and it was actually really cool to meet some of the screen names she would always talk to me about in that last half hour before we slept. women in different cities would show up to my readings and she would introduce them to me afterward and maybe we would get coffee or dinner. everyone was extremely nice and welcoming to a couple of complete strangers. i guess what im getting at is that i have always been impressed that there was a community for women who danced. i grew up hearing the same stigmas about "women in the industry" just like the stereotypes that so many of you have to deal with on a daily basis. and sure, i know there are plenty of rotten humans out there in this community and on these boards just like there are in any other "scene" or community but i have this adorable memory of this one night while we were making the 16 hour drive back from baltimore to chicago, she kept me awake by reading funny posts from SW from the internet on her phone.
we have been broken up for over a year now. she has moved on to banging my (ex)friends and i have done my best to keep my chin up. she was the love of my life and i had to learn to walk away from her because i realized that love alone cant save a relationship. i simply couldnt stand one more day feeling unappreciated. but despite us no longer talking and maintaining completely separate lives there has always been one thing that stood out; and that was regardless of how people viewed her, i respected the hell out of what she had to go through on a nightly basis. she would come back to my apartment at 5am, smelling of "stripper vanilla" and leaving glitter on my pillows and i would watch her count her money on my sheets and complain about some "bitch who was sharking her all night." really, it was endearing. i thought about how so many men viewed strippers as objects and not as battle-hardened soldiers forged out of criticism and outright misogynistic fucks who treated them like garbage. tough, given the circumstances of it being a business born out of objectification. but at the end of the night, on the rare occasion she would crawl into bed completely sober, she would cry. because she was human. and often times she would stay awake long after i had gone to bed, with the pink glow of SW lighting up her side of the room and i would hear her quietly chuckling to herself.
i dont know. maybe its the 430am talking right now but i guess i just wanted to say that im glad a place like this exists. even if its only to make someone smile at the end of the night.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Welcom!
Awww, awesome story! I'm glad the forum was able to provide both of you entertainment. I know plenty of my ex's have experienced the "pink glow" of SW that your refer to.
A lot of the old dancers from here have moved onto other places, but a few are still here under the guise of new screen names, I find new ones every once in awhile who I remember from years ago.
Do you know if your ex is still on here?
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Reads like one of his "slice of life" blog entries.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
I think I drive my SO crazy with all the posts and happenings I tell him about:P
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Kylea2
Do you know if your ex is still on here?
i highly doubt it. she made so many friends then pushed everyone away, as she did in real life as well. then she went though the phase where she boycotted SW for one reason or another. she hasnt danced in a couple years now so i cant imagine her still being on here but who know, maybe she made a new name (which she did a few times) and lurks around in the shadows. her old screen name was 'eviltart'.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Well, hopefully you find some good use of the forum on your own now. ^_^ Welcome.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
had a feeling it was her. thanks for posting that. made me feel all warm and fuzzy. except the part about her banging your former friends. that's rough.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
wow. that's all i'll say in a public viewable forum.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Well now... this forum just got more interesting! LOL Miabella
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
she sells sanctuary
had a feeling it was her.
Were you familiar with her?
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Yeah, I had a feeling it was her.
Your post made me cry a little.
So well written, just so true.
It sounds like your wrote this because you miss her.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
shasta
It sounds like your wrote this because you miss her.
thats what i was thinking too :-X
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Do I miss her? I miss who she was.
For got to have her for a brief moment in a hurricane of chaos. She was so damaged and impossible that I was only given a few years of her when she was being herself. The majority of her life she sent fucked up on whatever drug it took to keep the memories of her past from coming back. I'm lucky to have had her when I did and for the time I had. In the end, I realized that no matter how hard you love someone, you can't love them enough to make the pain go away the memories fade. I tried, trust me, I tried. I tried to love her enough for the both of us. To pick up the slack for her when she looked in the mirror. But like any addict, eventually she pushed me away. The most difficult part was the fact that she saw it coming. We both did. Late into the night she would tell me, "you're going to leave me for someone better." I would tell her that she was all I wanted just so long as she could make me feel loved every day, not just once a week. I told her the only way I would leave her is if she pushed me away. I told her that by not making me feel loved and appreciated every day, that was pushing me away. I literally told her 38 times. Yes, I kept track. And having to tell someone 38 times to not to forget to love you is tough. And truthfully, I'm not that tough. It wasn't even anything big that caused me to leave. I just felt like I had been abused so much that I couldn't take one more day.
It's tough walking away from the only person you've ever loved that deeply and completely. She was never some "project" or person I was trying to save that so many people have accused me of. All I ever wanted was to hold her hand while she attempted to confront her demons. I never wanted to save her, but simply be her coach. But she gave up. And when she did I had to attempt to begin a new life.
So do I miss her?
I miss her long fingers and how peaceful she looked between the night-terrors. I miss the smell of her skin when she would sneak into my 5am bed. I miss her sons more than I have the words to explain and I miss watching her make even the tiniest bits of progress in showing me who she truly was as a person.
But she isn't that person anymore. I don't miss her, I miss who she was.
A few of you have said that you thought it was her. Do you remember her?
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
deadxstop
Were you familiar with her?
i didn't know her irl or as an internet friend, but i remember her posting here. sure. she posted a ton. i'm sure anyone who was here then remembers her.
that said, while i feel for you, you seem a little codependent. and i don't like that. why do guys always go after broken, tragic messes that seem to need someone to root for them? it pisses me off. i'm screwed up to all hell, but i don't do typical self-destructive shit because i know it'll just make things worse. it doesn't mean i'm happy or have my shit together. it means i have foresight. and guys like you have toyed with me and rejected me so many times for not being screwed up enough. and it makes me wonder wtf is so fucked up about them that they can only go for people who self-destruct. is it the poetic glamor of it? the feeling of superiority? the martyrdom? mommy issues? either way, it seems really fucked up.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
your posts just made me cry a little to, going thru a break up myself right now from someone who was by no means perfect, he wasnt in fact faithful, at all, in any way. but i love(d) him and its killing me.
SW is such an amazing place and so full of support and virtual hugs, SW is whats keeping me from keep texting my exm or ringing him, or facebooking him etc, its keeping me busy from the comfort and warmth and safety of my bed, which still doesnt feel like my bed cause ive had to move 4 hours back home and it doesnt feel like home anymore. He might have treated me badly but i wasnt ready to walk away.
I gave up dancing 7 months ago and ive got an audition tomorrow, im trying to gear myself up for it mentally, and im struggling. You're brave to post such an honest post and i wish u all the love and happiness in the world cause you deserve it. xx
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
she sells sanctuary
and i don't like that. why do guys always go after broken, tragic messes that seem to need someone to root for them? it pisses me off. i'm screwed up to all hell, but i don't do typical self-destructive shit because i know it'll just make things worse. it doesn't mean i'm happy or have my shit together. it means i have foresight. and guys like you have toyed with me and rejected me so many times for not being screwed up enough. and it makes me wonder wtf is so fucked up about them that they can only go for people who self-destruct. is it the poetic glamor of it? the feeling of superiority? the martyrdom? mommy issues? either way, it seems really fucked up.
From Dr. Carol S. Pearson's 16 personality archetypes:
The "Caregiver":
Caregiver individuals are most fulfilled when they can make a difference for someone else. Naturally compassionate, nurturing, and dedicated, they enjoy demonstrating their supportiveness and can motivate others to provide better service or care. They’re usually excited and challenged by responding to needs.
There are positive and negative manifestation of this personality type. For some reason, you appear to be attracting the most negative and nastiest versions of the "caregiver". If you do not need them and they are not make a difference in your life, this leaves them unfulfilled. Try to figure out why you are attracting them and change your "game" to attract different personality types. (Or, play along and make them feel like you need them and they are making a difference in your life.)
* End of threadjacking. *
To the OP:
You are a "caregiver". Find someone new that needs/wants/appreciates your coaching and whose life you can really improve. That way you'll both be rewarded.
Some fucked up people don't want to be "fixed"... they are addicted to the drama and intensity of a wild and revolutionary existence. Their soul would shrivel up and die in a stable, "normal", non-dramatic, peaceful, non-climactic existence. They can blame their problems on bad shit that happened in the past (and I'm not making light of this), but the fact is that they are addicted to drama and will always be surrounded by it.
Don't feel like you have failed. Its simply a matter of incompatibility. She sounds like a "Revolutionary" - a very independent archetype that cannot be altered or tamed.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
she sells sanctuary
that said, while i feel for you, you seem a little codependent. and i don't like that. why do guys always go after broken, tragic messes that seem to need someone to root for them? it pisses me off. i'm screwed up to all hell, but i don't do typical self-destructive shit because i know it'll just make things worse. it doesn't mean i'm happy or have my shit together. it means i have foresight. and guys like you have toyed with me and rejected me so many times for not being screwed up enough. and it makes me wonder wtf is so fucked up about them that they can only go for people who self-destruct. is it the poetic glamor of it? the feeling of superiority? the martyrdom? mommy issues? either way, it seems really fucked up.
this paragraph sounds like its more about you than me.
see, you dont have to like it, nor is my unwavering love for someone who just so happens to come in an irregular box "fucked up". i wasnt in love with the damage, i was in love with the person. like the way you love your parents despite their lack of judgment, or your children when they seem selfish or your grandfather who cant hear very well. i loved her in spite of the tragedy.
also, "guys like me" is a fairly large assumption about my character. nothing i have written should or would give you any indication that i "toy" with women. and trust me, i would trade all the "poetic glamor" for one more day where she was at peace, dancing on the tops of my feet in her kitchen to raphael saadiq.
im truly sorry for what the selfish little boys of the world have done to you. i am not innocent but i have been doing my best to make myself a little less shitty everyday. and maybe thats why im here. maybe i came back here because SW reminded me of the simpler moments that i shared with her. and maybe thats part of the process of healing. to become healthy. so i can one day be the best version of a man to a deserving woman. call it "fucked up" all you like, but im not doing it for the angry, bitter and jaded women of the world who consistently push good men away because of their unwillingness to confront their own demons. im doing it for the ones who are healthy enough to recognize the merits of a strong man.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Haven't seen her for quite a while here.
Sorry you are going through a hard time with it.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
welcome to the sw office of psychiatry!
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Off topic, but you're pretty hot.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Djoser
Haven't seen her for quite a while here.
+1 I think she went through multiple user names on here & then disappeared with many of the others.
There's always a chance though that one of those "others" is reading this though & might forward to her. Although, you didn't say that is what you wanted. It sounds like you might be looking more to connect with old memories that made you happy rather than your actual past in the present state.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
_Avery_
Off topic, but you're pretty hot.
one of my resolutions lately has been to learn to gracefully take a compliment, so i will simply leave you with thank you... and not assume you're drunk typing without your contacts. ;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Kylea2
+1 I think she went through multiple user names on here & then disappeared with many of the others.
There's always a chance though that one of those "others" is reading this though & might forward to her. Although, you didn't say that is what you wanted. It sounds like you might be looking more to connect with old memories that made you happy rather than your actual past in the present state.
oh she would tell me about the drama on a daily basis and how she changed her screen name a few times. once, when i caught her lying on here.
as far as her reading any of this, she knows exactly how i feel. i have always been more than open and honest with our communication but its tough to attempt reason with the unreasonable. and lets be honest here, she decided to go behind my back and fuck one of my good friends because hes a rockstar. so really, i dont feel all that guilty for telling a handful of understanding women about the love i had for her.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
deadxstop
one of my resolutions lately has been to learn to gracefully take a compliment, so i will simply leave you with thank you... and not assume you're drunk typing without your contacts. ;)
I agree with Avery. Just had coffee and my glasses are on my nose, thankyouverymuch.
OT: sorry about all this. Heartbreaks, well...hurt. (you can tell I'm on my smart pills today :D)
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Kylea2
+1 I think she went through multiple user names on here & then disappeared with many of the others.
There's always a chance though that one of those "others" is reading this though & might forward to her. Although, you didn't say that is what you wanted.
There's actually a very good chance of it, or that she could still be lurking, or infrequently so and could still see it in a week or two. Not that I was a perfect silent little angel with my own SW ex, many years ago--but be aware that this could conceivably turn into drama here.
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Re: thank you, stripper web.
isnt there a song with the lyrics "dont want your drama" they used to play in clubs. a dance song.