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I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
I feel like a terrible mom, but I am seriously about to lose it. This has been building for a looong time. He will be 4 in April and does not speak. He is into everything. No discipline works. He screams this ear splitting shrill yell all day long, he shows affection by smacking us right in the face. He makes mess after mess, not like a normal kid, I mean I can't go pee without him ripping everything out of the closet, dumping out the clothesbasket and emptying out the drawers. Yes, somehow he can do this in under a minute. I was pouring juice for breakfast the other morning and I heard a splashing sound, so I turned around to see him pissing on the kitchen floor. While I was cleaning up that mess, he grabbed the bowl of dry cereal I had just poured off the table and when I ask him to put it down, he threw it, shattering the bowl, then ran through the cereal that landed on the LR carpet crushing it, before I could stop him (Oh, and I had JUST cleaned the kitchen floor and vacuumed.) While I was cleaning that up he made some other horrid mess but I can't even remember what that one was. This goes on from 6am till around midnight.
I think I am going to put locks on the doors, even though everyone tells me this would be child abuse. I've also decided to medicate him, even though my entire family thinks this makes me awful. I just can't live like this anymore. I love him and he is adorable when he's not being a little monster, but the monster is what I get 90% of the time anymore. I feel like a failure for not being better able to cope, but I've tried all the natural methods: Playing (exercise) till he's exhausted, caffeine (supposedly calms autistic children), benadryl (rec'd by his ped, but made him so hyper I thought I would have to take him to the ER). He has little interest in TV, no toy will occupy him for more than a few moments....I just don't know what else to do. I know this sounds selfish, but I want to be able to have a life. No one else can deal with him, so I had to drop out of Nursing school last semester. Months of work down the drain. I want to be able to relax for a few hours at night, have a clean home again, enjoy some of the time I spend with him and maybe even be able to have a social life. Jeez, I can't even tell you what I'd give to have just one weekend! I feel like I'm losing my mind here. :(
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
You need to stop trying to take matter into your own hands and seek professional help before you cause harm to yourself AND your son.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Im sorry for your everyday struggle. I don't know where you stand on the subject of medicinal marijuana but there have been cases of parents having luck with giving their child edibles. Before medicating you can do a little research and maybe give it a try. Google medical marijuana for autism. Also Jenny McCarthy wrote a book called Mother Warriors that relates to this subject matter. Good luck, and know you will get through this.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
You've done well to get this far. Have you ever visited a state-run home for autistic children to see what it's like? Maybe it's an option worth looking into...it would be useful to at least know what's available to help you out there. You have to be concerned for your own well-being, as well as your other child. I wouldn't label that selfish...just sensible.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
I cannot imagine the struggle that this causes for you day in and day out. I am sure you have researched and researched but there appears to be some good info when you google 'autistic children behavior' Also, some info under: autism.about.com Maybe..just maybe there is one idea there that might help you through this.
I would not worry about what your family thinks about medication. YOU are the one that has to deal with this. Do what you and your doctor think is right for both you and your child.
Hope you find something that works for you and your child and that you can get your life to where you want it to be. Thoughts are with you.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
I feel your pain. My brother has severe austism as well. And he is 15 going on 16. It is really on hard on everyone at home especially for my mom since she is a single mom and really cannot live her life the way a normal person would. It hurts me everyday and sometimes i say why us! Well my brother cannot speak. About 4 months ago he just started getting stronger and harder to control. We could not keep the house clean for more then 20 minutes because he would throw a tantrum. His tantrum consisted of throwing everything on the floor, breaking items (plates, shattered out windows, broke the tv and even the computer and worst of all our hearts) He peed all over the floor and tolet and still does. His school called us EVERYDAY. He was hitting other students and could not be controlled. Now the only way we control him now is because he is on medicaton. Causes him to stay calm all day but the downside is that he trembles and stays in bed all day when he is at home. But he kind of did that staying in bed thing when he wasn't on medication. It is going to be very hard and you are definitely not a bad mother. You are frustrated and I know exactly what you are going through. We used to give him benadryl but that did NOTHING! Just kept him up the whole night. Visit a psychiatrist for the mentally disabled. YAI is a really nice place helped us get rid of my brothers tantrum. Raising an autisic child is not easy and takes alot of patience. Good luck
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Have you contacted your local school district or social services agency to see what services you can avail yourself of to get help?
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
(((((hugs))))))
Wow, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that everyday. You are definitely not a bad mom. You're definitely not selfish either. Everyone needs time for themselves or you are as you say, going to lose your mind. I wish I had some advice... I just wanted to offer my support :)
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
I haven't been able to find any state run homes for children in the area. There is one for adults right down the road as I think I've mentioned, but it's more just for general learning disabilities. As for medical marijuana, I'd be in jail before I could blink, pretty much anyone that found out in this area would report me to the authorities. I wouldn't even know where to get weed anyway and wouldn't really be comfortable giving it to my son if I did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
islandgirlcoco
You need to stop trying to take matter into your own hands and seek professional help before you cause harm to yourself AND your son.
Wow, this is judgemental! I have been trying to find an autism specialist in the area for nearly a year and so has my pediatrician and I've been on every autism website I could find that has advice or lists of providers. There are no specialists, nor any childhood behavioral specialists or we would already be seeing one (and I don't mean there aren't any right around the corner, I mean the closest I've found is over a 6 hr drive and has approximately a 6 month waiting period, with the exception of Marshall University which only accepts patients from the 4 surrounding counties, and unfortunately we aren't in one of those). I have an apt for genetic screening to test for other issues in February and that was scheduled almost a year ago. We have seen a hearing specialist and have a pending apt with an Endocrinologist, but I'm sinking here right now. Our pediatrician is really out of his league with Ethan, even though he treats other autistic children.
I guess I just needed to vent. After all, he just walked up and hit and spit on Tyler. Ugh. I'm installing hook and eye locks up over his head on every door in the place tomorrow. On a positive note, today is the first time we've worn underwear, and so far, so good!
Thanks everyone for the well wishes! I really appreciate it! :thumbsup:
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
princessjas
Wow, this is judgemental! I
Wtf? How was that judgemental? What did I judge you on? you DO need professional help with your son. That is just fact.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
islandgirlcoco
You need to stop trying to take matter into your own hands and seek professional help before you cause harm to yourself AND your son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
islandgirlcoco
Wtf? How was that judgemental? What did I judge you on? you DO need professional help with your son. That is just fact.
You assumed that I was trying to "take matters into my own hands" instead of seeking professional help and then snarkily told me I was going to cause harm to myself and my son. I don't know how that wasn't judgemental. To automatically assume I'm not doing all I can on the medical front and then to judge me irresponsible (or so your post seemed to imply) based on that erroneous guess.
Autism is HARD to deal with, just because you need extra support does NOT mean you aren't seeking all available help.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Princess, from everything I've read from you on this site you sound like a great mother. Anyone would be struggling with what you are going through and IMHO you should be nothing but proud of yourself for how far you've already come.
IMHO moderate medication and limiting the rooms that he can cause damage to are both very reasonable options. He could cause harm not only to your other child and property, but too himself as well if he has a tantrum in the wrong place and/or at the wrong time. You are certainly not a monster by taking reasonable steps to limit the harm that he may cause in his condition.
Good luck!
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Is moving to a different area (part of the country with better access to support resources) out of the question? My heart goes out to you.... It sounds like you are nearing your breaking point, and people have certainly relocated for lesser reasons......
?
XOXOXO
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
I have worked with autistic children and have family memebers with autism, aspergers, ADHD and foetal alcohol syndrome (which is on the autistic spectrum)so i have some understanding of how difficult it can be to communicate and live with but i cannot imagine how hard it must be to have to live with it all day every day and you are an amazing person for coping and doing so well.
I was in a school setting but we had to put locks (high up) on all the doors as our little lad used to bolt, literally, you looked away for a second and he was gone (and he was so fast it was untrue) and it was dangerous because he used to get out of the grounds and onto the roads before we'd even realised, and all it took was a second of not watching him. We locked everything away, paint, glue, glitter, paper, scissors, games into cupboards etc, we were advised against it but in the end it was the only way we could control what he had access too (he almost drank a gallon of blue paint on one occasion) so locks and locking things away is not a bad thing, as it kept him (and the other children) safe.
Im not sure how severe your sons autism is but we found that giving him a timetable (literally minute-to -minute) really helped, our child was 3 at the time and we used picture representations of activitites etc so he knew his routine and knew what to expect next, which did calm him somewhat, becuase he knew what was coming next once he started to talk (one or two word utterances) he would be prepared for his next activity and was easier to handle. Repetition and routine was key with him and really made a difference.
It can take some time to find out but most autistic children have a special gift for something, one thing in particular which they excel at, and if you can channel this then finding particular games to suit their particular gift makes life easier still. SO whether it be numbers or letters, or a particular subject, once youve found what it is he enjoys, you can use that one thing to keep him occupied.
I hope i dont sound like im being condecending, im just trying to give you some examples of what we did with the autistic children i worked with which can be used in a home setting, i know its truly tough to live with. But you're doing a great job, the national autistic society has a website with a lot of info and is quite good (www.autism.org.uk <-thats the UK site so im not sure if you will have seen it being in the US) but just keeping going and asking for help from others so you get some time to yourself etc.
Much love and hugs
xxxxxx
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Today is alittle better with autistic kids, I was marked autistic as a kid but back then they couldn't tell between a autistic kid and a kid getting the hell beat out of them everyday.
With autistic kids it takes alot of mental energy. They can't connect and it scares them. Its like being in a room full of people but no one hears you scream. The first thing you need to do is show you know who they are without yelling, large room, no bright color objects, nothing near them in a three feet radius but you. Make them sit near you and look at them softly saying their name, if they try to leave you just sit them back down and hold their hands like you would with a sad friend. It will takes alot of time and energy but if you can get them to be calm and to a quiet level. You can work your way up to eye contact.
I would try to learn sign with them, it would help with connecting.
If you need anymore just message, I have worked with kids on and off for years now.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sananeko
Today is alittle better with autistic kids, I was marked autistic as a kid but back then they couldn't tell between a autistic kid and a kid getting the hell beat out of them everyday.
With autistic kids it takes alot of mental energy. They can't connect and it scares them. Its like being in a room full of people but no one hears you scream. The first thing you need to do is show you know who they are without yelling, large room, no bright color objects, nothing near them in a three feet radius but you. Make them sit near you and look at them softly saying their name, if they try to leave you just sit them back down and hold their hands like you would with a sad friend. It will takes alot of time and energy but if you can get them to be calm and to a quiet level. You can work your way up to eye contact.
I would try to learn sign with them, it would help with connecting.
If you need anymore just message, I have worked with kids on and off for years now.
I forgot this one :) we used makaton with our child and it did work quite well.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
I've tried to teach E sign language, as I learned it back in grade school, but he's got zero interest. He'll use a sign a few times, then like with words, it's just gone. His speech and developmental therapists have had the same lack of results.
One bright spot, he connected with me early on. He never wanted to be held or anything, not even as a newborn, but I was an insistent mama. I just knew he NEEDED to be held a LOT as an infant, even if he didn't particularly like it. I also breastfed him for around 20 mos, which I think had a profound effect. He has always made eye contact with me pretty well. I've even gotten a few kisses here and there. He sits on my lap or right beside me a good amount also. Never would sleep when I held him or sleep in my bed like Ty did though and it was obvious he would have preferred me to just leave him entirely alone. He will get nose to nose with me and make eye contact pretty often now, I also get lots of hugs. The only thing that seems to calm him down is wrapping him tightly with a blankie and holding him very tight (a la Temple Grandin's hug machine).
When he is really out of control are those days (which admittedly are becoming the majority) that he does pretty much ignore me entirely, so I think I will try forcing more contact, trying the technique suggested to get some eye contact. I've been letting him work up to some independence because starting Nursing school was really hard on him. He would try and put his hand in mine when I would start out the door for classes and even cried a few times (which he's only done a handful of times in his life). Maybe I just need to be more "there" for him when I am home. I just wish he had someone else in his life he had bonded with.
GB - Thank you for the great advice! You don't sound condescending at all! As for how severe E's autism is....I've been told he is just under the autism spectrum and also that he is severe....so I dunno. He has many of th signature traits of the autistic, but then some big traits that seem to be shared by nearly all autistics he lacks. I am glad to hear your experiences and it makes me feel better hearing that I'm not the only one that has had to resort to locking part of the house up and making it off limits. Also, before I started Nursing school a year ago we were on a pretty exact timetable and yep, he did do much better then. I try to stick with it even now, and it's times like now (Christmas break) that we fall out of schedule that seem to be the worst.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
princessjas
You assumed that I was trying to "take matters into my own hands" instead of seeking professional help and then snarkily told me I was going to cause harm to myself and my son. I don't know how that wasn't judgemental. To automatically assume I'm not doing all I can on the medical front and then to judge me irresponsible (or so your post seemed to imply) based on that erroneous guess.
Autism is HARD to deal with, just because you need extra support does NOT mean you aren't seeking all available help.
Well.. I wasn't implying anything. You were only assuming and what happens when you assume?
I hope that things work out in your favor and you are able to get the help and support your son needs.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Jas - You're not a bad Momma, you do need some help though (with your child I mean, not mentally or anything). My 24 year old brother is autistic; as we speak he's tearing up my kitchen trying to cook dinner for myself and my boyfriend (I'm listening to him make a damn fine mess that I know I'll have to clean up later....ugh). I also have an autistic cousin who I share a birthday with. I can empathize fairly well. It's challenging to be a coach and a parent and a maid day in and day out.
Autistic children are difficult to care for, particularly the ones that are at the far end of the spectrum. I haven't read the whole thread yet, so I'm not sure if you've mentioned it, but is there anyway you could get a ABA therapist or someone to work with your boy for a few hours a day? Here in Canada it's provided free of charge until the child is 7 - I'm under the impression that the US has a similar program? After 7 parents are usually offered a 'relief package' type thing, where a trained professional will come to your home 2 nights a week so you can go out, or catch up on laundry, or do whatever you please. Something like that might help you out a lot - give you the time you NEED away from your kid (which doesn't make you bad or wrong or a horrible mother, it makes you normal and healthy to want and need time away from children every once in a while), time to just have a social life and come back more balanced and better able to cope and parent.
I wish I could help you out more with parenting techniques and tricks, but I don't have a whole lot of those other than what I saw my mother do (and becasue I'm 3 years younger than my bro, my earliest memories of her working with him would put him at 6 or 7). I do remember a LOT of tantrums, bed wetting, messes, crying, screaming and my mother being frustrated beyond tears though. It will pass. I remember a lot of repetition, constantly reminding him of social norms. Brute force too (sometimes it seems like theres no other choice).
Do you have any other children (I mean, does you son have siblings?).
Oh, wanted to add - my brother didn't learn to speak until he was 5. My cousin still doesn't, but is pretty handy with a makatron though.
I wish I could be of more help.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
islandgirlcoco
Well.. I wasn't implying anything. You were only assuming and what happens when you assume?
I hope that things work out in your favor and you are able to get the help and support your son needs.
No need to be a smart ass. You obviously assumed I wasn't seeking the help my son and I so desperately need, yet I refrained from using that old adage even though it was racing through my mind. If I'm the one in distress and can restrain myself, I certainly think you could pay me the same respect. :)
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
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Originally Posted by
princessjas
No need to be a smart ass. You obviously assumed I wasn't seeking the help my son and I so desperately need, yet I refrained from using that old adage even though it was racing through my mind. If I'm the one in distress and can restrain myself, I certainly think you could pay me the same respect. :)
?? ok.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
islandgirlcoco
Well.. I wasn't implying anything. You were only assuming and what happens when you assume?
Honestly, it's not just her. Your post made me cringe a bit too. Maybe it wasn't your intention, but it did come across a bit presumptuous and judgmental.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
^Hate to beat a dead horse but I honestly thought the same thing when I went through and read this thread. Perhaps it came off as nasty when you didn't mean it to be, but initially it seems really mean and condescending.
Anyway, I went through and read the whole thread. You mentioned that you're trying to find help but there's none available. That's shitty. Also, American-Born boyfriend just informed me that there is an ABA type thing in the states - but you have to pay for it. Also shitty. There should be so much more help for parents of ASD children.
This may sound weird, but is there a University or College near you? Students in majors like Early Childhood Education, Psychology, Social Work etc often time look for volunteer work in practicing dealing with ASD children. It might not sound good to have your kid work as a test dummy, but often times these students are in their last year of classes (so they're fairly competent) and are watched over by one of their prof's (so you can be fairly confidant in the level of care your kid is receiving). Now, this is obviously only if you want to employ more general-type help.....not really a replacement for someone with a MA or PhD, but it may give you some relief.
If you really have to go it on your own, then the exact time table could work very well. Keeping things very linear and organized. Also, keeping things that could trigger sensory-overload to a minimum could help too. This was a MUST for my brother. Bight lights, loud noises or lots of tactical imput (like believe it or not, making cookies) would make him super hyper and start a tantrum. Our homes often had dimmers on the lights.
Chances are you're already doing a lot of these things, so I don't want to insult you by typing out stuff that seems common sense to you. I think all you can do is wait for the worst of the tantrum phase to pass. Sometimes there's not much else you can do. All the tricks and advice in the world will not work if he's just going through a phase and needs to learn and assert his and your boundaries. Stuff like that is difficult for a 'normal' 4-year-old...never mind one that doesn't understand non-verbal communication or societal norms.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Elvia
Honestly, it's not just her. Your post made me cringe a bit too. Maybe it wasn't your intention, but it did come across a bit presumptuous and judgmental.
I agree.
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Re: I am at the end of my rope with my Autistic son
Quote:
Originally Posted by
4everresolutions
Jas - You're not a bad Momma, you do need some help though (with your child I mean, not mentally or anything). My 24 year old brother is autistic; as we speak he's tearing up my kitchen trying to cook dinner for myself and my boyfriend (I'm listening to him make a damn fine mess that I know I'll have to clean up later....ugh). I also have an autistic cousin who I share a birthday with. I can empathize fairly well. It's challenging to be a coach and a parent and a maid day in and day out.
Autistic children are difficult to care for, particularly the ones that are at the far end of the spectrum. I haven't read the whole thread yet, so I'm not sure if you've mentioned it, but is there anyway you could get a ABA therapist or someone to work with your boy for a few hours a day? Here in Canada it's provided free of charge until the child is 7 - I'm under the impression that the US has a similar program? After 7 parents are usually offered a 'relief package' type thing, where a trained professional will come to your home 2 nights a week so you can go out, or catch up on laundry, or do whatever you please. Something like that might help you out a lot - give you the time you NEED away from your kid (which doesn't make you bad or wrong or a horrible mother, it makes you normal and healthy to want and need time away from children every once in a while), time to just have a social life and come back more balanced and better able to cope and parent.
I wish I could help you out more with parenting techniques and tricks, but I don't have a whole lot of those other than what I saw my mother do (and becasue I'm 3 years younger than my bro, my earliest memories of her working with him would put him at 6 or 7). I do remember a LOT of tantrums, bed wetting, messes, crying, screaming and my mother being frustrated beyond tears though. It will pass. I remember a lot of repetition, constantly reminding him of social norms. Brute force too (sometimes it seems like theres no other choice).
Do you have any other children (I mean, does you son have siblings?).
Oh, wanted to add - my brother didn't learn to speak until he was 5. My cousin still doesn't, but is pretty handy with a makatron though.
I wish I could be of more help.
Oh gosh! See this is what I imagine. Him being 24 and I still have sole responsibility for being his full-time baby sitter. Yes, brute force, or spanking is the only thing that even has a temporary effect on Ethan. It sucks, but what else do you do when your child is doing something that will harm him or someone else?
I do have another son who is 7. He is an amazing older brother and very good with E, but I worry that he suffers due to the amazing amount of time and effort it takes to keep Ethan safe.
As for programs, I've never heard of anything like that in the US. They have a Birth to 3 program that allowed us to have early speech and behavioral therapy, but it didn't really have much effect. I will look into it though, because down here, they aren't exactly forthcoming about what bennies you can get without paying.
ATM, I'm doing the bedtime fight. It sucks, because I really want to be chatting with my guy, but by the time I'm finished with this, it'll be too late and I'll be too tired and in a crappy mood...oh and he'll be in bed. I am really, really starting to resent giving up my life. If I had my way, I would be out of this hell hole of a state and living elsewhere, supporting myself dancing while looking for another nice, fairly well paid secretarial or accounting position. Instead, I have to make very good money and provide amazing healthcare, so I'm stuck trying to balance everything, while giving up everything I want, so I can go to school and provide for us all. So frustrated atm.....and feeling guilty over being frustrated. :-\ Imma dumbdumb.