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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Busygirl
He said he can't tell me what to do, i can do whatever i want, but emotionally it's hurting him
Trust me, this is just as controlling as outright saying "you can't do this." My first bf in high school was like this about a lot of things - especially my clothes. He'd tell me "I can't tell you what to wear or what not to wear, but I would be really unhappy if you continued wearing that." You don't have to utter the words "not allowed" to control someone into thinking that they're not allowed to do something. Because by saying it this way, you know that if you did it anyway, he'd get mad and you'd have a problem on your hands, the exact same way you'd have a problem if he expressly forbid it. It's like mother-guilt: "Well, you're a grown woman, I can't tell you what to do anymore, but you're breaking my heart!" sort of thing... it's more manipulation than outright control, but it has the same effect on keeping you from making your own decisions.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
You are over 18.
The expression " You are not allowed to.." should be out of your vocabulary.
....
It is hurting him because he is does not understand that THIS job has NOTHING to do with you and him.
It is a JOB!
You are an actress, does he understand that?!!?!?
Is he watching movies? Ever?
NOT even 1 of all actors who play murder/rape/ disgusting roles IS LIKE THAT In REAL LIFE.
Explain this to him and if he does not get it, move on.
There is not enough time to accomplish what we want out of life if we delay things because This and That person says... no.
The ONLY people in this world who should have any type of power over you are YOUR PARENTS and that is it!
Everyone else can go fuck themselves.
Now im pissed off lol
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
I don't understand how saying "[x] makes me feel uncomfortable" is being controlling or manipulative. Isn't that what couples are supposed to do, communicate with each other? I don't ever want to tell my husband what he can & can't do, but if something he's doing bothers me I will definitely speak up about it. I'm not going to keep my mouth shut out of fear that he might feel nagged or controlled. It doesn't matter whether it's his job, an issue with his friends or family, or his choice of clothing. I don't see what's so wrong with saying stuff like "I feel like you're working too many hours", "Your friend is an asshole, it bothers me that you spend so much time with him", or "That shirt is too old and ratty, it embarrasses me when you wear it in public".
Saying these things might seem naggy or controlling, but what's the alternative? Keeping everything negative bottled up inside forever? That's no way to manage a relationship. Both parties need to discuss the issues upfront and come to some kind of reasonable compromise and if none can be reached, that's when the relationship should end.
Of course, control/manipulation can start if these things are taken too far but simply saying "I don't like [x]" isn't that big of a deal IMO.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
i understand where you are coming from smurfette but if that other person is making her feel less than what she is entitled to in life then that is being manipulative. she clearly does not feel good about this situation that he is putting her in. if he truly cared about her then he will support her even if he doesn't like it or agree to it. she is still her own person, just cuz someone is in a relationship doesn't mean that they are owned. he is literally trying to clip her wings by trying to make her dependent on him and that is never healthy. he is trying to mold her into what he wants her to be by being passive aggressive about it rather than being straight up blunt to control her emotionally to keep her where he wants her to be. do you think that she would stay in the relationship if he was direct? no, that is easy to walk away from. but to put guilt on her to get her to do what he wants.
ETA: there are healthy and constructive ways in talking about things that bother a person in a relationship, giving and taking feedback is good but the way this sounds, that doesn't sound like it to me but more of pushing ultimatums on her and that is unhealthy.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Quote:
Originally Posted by
CamWhore
My guy doesn tlike what I do either, but he knows I don't give a shit.... I told him I'm not stopping unless he will replace my paycheck.
We dont talk about it, and yes its uncomfortable because deep down, I know he wants me to do something "normal" but i STILL don't care.
This last week he has been throwing in hints.... I STILL DON'T CARE.... I just started leaving pay stubs around the house from checks I make....
I have lived a certain lifestyle for so long and that is why I can easily say I DON'T CARE... with ease...because at the end of the day, only I will be by my own side.
I told him I don't care what society thinks. Society told me to go to school, but people are now using diplomas ass luxury toilet paper. I let him know I will do what I want to do until I decide to stop. I told him I dont operate how he wants me to operate, let alone somebody else.
I attract alot of people with my attitude....the funny thing is its not an act... I really LOVE MYSELF to not give a fuck about what ANYBODY THINKS.....
Literally 2 seconds ago my BF started an argument about my camming.
He says he was fine with it until i started talking about it all the time and he basically feels like I'm disrespecting our relationship but since im getting paid for it its ok.
Now he has no job and hasnt had a job since ive been with him (almost 3 years) hes 19 and we have a child together :O, so OBVIOUSLY idgaf and im not gonna stop camming.
(I just told him how ironic it is that someone just postedthis thread and he said "i dont want to talk about it i dont care im not gonna get my way anyway"...Idk whether to be pissed that he said that with a bratty ass tone or to go along my happy way...)
But does it put tension on your relationship by not talking about your job?
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
It's not necessarily saying "this makes me uncomfortable" that's controlling or manipulative, but the way you go about it and what it's generally about. Like my old bf would say things like "I would be very unhappy if you wore those boots again" because he didn't like how "slutty" my boots were. My boots can make him uncomfortable all day long with their "sluttiness", but he has no right to try to guilt me into not wearing them. With my current bf, I know he doesn't like me doing drugs, but he'll say something like "You're an adult and can do what you want as long as you're safe." It gets the message across that he's not exactly comfortable with me doing shrooms, but knows that it's ultimately my decision and won't try to guilt-trip me into not doing it. I hate that he chews tobacco and he knows I think it's disgusting, but I would never make him put it away when I'm around and make him think he can't do it in front of me. You can let people know you don't like something without framing it in a way that guilts them into not doing it. Imo, starting any sentence with "I can't tell you what do but..." is basically the equivalent of saying "if you do this, we'll have a problem, because now you know I don't want you to do it" and makes people think they can't do it without hurting them from that point on, so they don't do it. When it comes to something like a job, saying it would "hurt him" to have her doing it while he's home is basically like saying "don't do while I'm home." If she took him at his word, and believed that she could make her own choice about it and cammed while he was home, I'm almost certain he would have a problem.
People in relationships can be uncomfortable with certain things their partner does and let them know about it - but putting it in a way that it stops them from doing it to avoid a fight is manipulative if the behavior they have a problem with is not life-threatening and they are merely projecting their own insecurities into it.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Busygirl
He doesn't care about my paycheck, no matter how high it is. He considers this work low, like selling drugs, and i deserve and i can do better. And he will gladly give me allowance instead. Even gave me a sheet to type in Excel and he said he will pay me for it :D. I explained everything about what i do, but he can't accept i,m taking my clothes off in the other room while he is home. He is a person who thinks very low about this job, and can't accept it, but still wants to be with me.
I just noticed this. At first, I wasn't completely convinced that he is manipulating you, but now I am.
"Even gave me a sheet to type in Excel and he said he will pay me for it" is making me believe this is something that will make you dependent on him. There are men out there who will think nothing of trying to break a strong, self-confident woman who wants to pave her own way. In fact, for most of those men, it's a fun game to see how long it will take and how hard it is to do - like a challenge. What happens when/if you guys break up for some other reason? You will be left with no job and no money because he was the one doling out your pay and you will be in a worse spot than you are now.
He thinks this job is too low for you and you can do better? That statement of yours directly contradicts this one that you've also made:
Quote:
he much prefers me slaving at Walmart, or as a waitress for minimal wage
How are those jobs "higher" than you sitting at home, spending plenty of time with your partner and having the dinner on the table when he's home? Less stress, you're your own boss who can take off as much time as you want and have unlimited earning potential. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Those of us who are in support of you being financially independent aren't man-haters. Far from! But trust me, there are plenty of people out there who would have no problem with what you do, and will actually think it's fun and would want to help you as much as possible to achieve your dreams. You haven't reached a dead end - just a road block that you need to get over.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Okay yeah, I also missed that part about "allowance" and typing in Excel... that's fucked up! I stand by my original statements about control/manipulation but this guy really IS trying to control you. He wants to give you an "allowance"? I find that to be totally condescending and disrespectful. You're a grown woman who should be treated as an equal in the relationship, not his little daughter who has to ask permission to go to the mall or drive the car.
It's obvious that he wants a stay-at-home woman who he can keep under his thumb at all times.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
I can't say it any better than the ones who've already posted, so instead I'll just say, Damn I'm so uplifted and impressed by the statements of so many strong, positive, independent women :)
Like what Lusty Laken said, I also spent a lot of my 20s in relationships with men who hindered my dreams and goals, and I regretted it later. Now that I'm 30 and with a kind, supportive man who respects and loves me for who I am, I only wish I'd come into my own sooner.
Whatever you decide, OP, just remember to stay true to you, and never allow anyone else make you feel 'lesser than' for who you are or what you do. The more a relationship undermines your confidence, growth, and feelings of self-sufficiency, the less healthy it becomes.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
There's not too much I can add except (and i'll admit I'm in a hurry so I skipped the 2nd page) I chose camming over a nearly 3-year relationship.
Things have never been better for me. For example, I was on the verge of losing my apartment, now I've since moved into an absolutely gorgeous, twice as expensive place. & IMO(and experience), the controlling won't stop at your employment.
He needs to step it up. He doesn't have to be in support of the job itself, but he should be able to support YOU and the decisions you make for YOUR life.
If you rather cam than slave at walmart, do it. You are a grown woman. Part of being a grown up is we get to run our own damn lives.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
^I think he'd probably learn the most from your posts. I'd bet what you post here is probably more honest than things you've told him directly. Bear in mind if he thinks camming is for lowlives (btw, Ive met some honorable weed dealers in my life so haha the definition of "low-life" is a whole other school of thinking for me that I cant wrap my head around), I don't think our opinion is going to have as much weight as your candid comments.
But if you decide to share this with him and find yourself editing your posts before you do or explaining away things you've written all selfconsciously while he reads, then, I mean, girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Quote:
Originally Posted by
bubblegumbitch
that is how he is controlling you, he is doing it mentally and emotionally and that is abusive. anyone that tries to control and manipulate you doesn't truly care about you and your well being. how much do you really love yourself? no one is going to love you like you love yourself. i am not talking about being full of yourself, but if you truly loved yourself wholeheartedly then you wouldn't let someone manipulate you and make you feel less than what you are. self love is very important, if you don't have it then you will fall victim in this crazy world.
That is exactly right. That manipulation is one of the best plays in a man's book. I wouldn't fall for emotional pity from a man whether it is camming or anything else. I don't take mind games too lightly.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
hey busygirl.. just so u know..I was discussing your situation with my husb....
he said your man is insecure with his manhood....
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
i don't think it's meant to be insulting...the whole situation screams massive insecurity to me, honestly. somehow he is deriving a sense of masculine security from being so controlling over you, and the idea of you doing sex work threatens that. that's pretty damn insecure.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
I've never posted here before but I figured this was something I can add my two cents too!
I was terrified of telling an old boyfriend that I wanted to start camming. I tried to decide if I should do it behind his back or just lay it out there. I knew he wouldn't like it and would cause a big stink about it.
I was worried he would possibley break up with me but then decided I would take a different approach to telling him. I brought it up with him in a way that I asked him about it yadda yadda yadda but the way I said it and acted told him that I was doing this regardless no matter what he said (without telling him directly).
Well it worked. We talked about it and he said he really didnt want me doing it blah blah and I just kept saying okay and didnt really say much and finally he was like " Why do i get the feeling you are doing this no matter what" and of course he crumbled after that.
You should have a talk with him and tell him that you have other goals in your life then being a housewife. What your doing right now is strictly business and he is getting in the way of business and making you lose money big time. Basically dont specifically say if you cant deal with it you can hit the road but act that way.
The reality of the situation is you have been in a relationship for years and he knows you've been camming. Hes obviously going to be super pissed might throw some words around about a break up but in the end he will most likely come crawling back. Guys like to have control. Thats why some don't want women to work! They try to make women dependent on them!
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Not insecure?
Accepting wholesale what the social vacuum (ie bias against sex work) says about your job...
Calling your job the job of lowlives despite you explaining it....
He doesn't like men looking at you despite you explaining it....
Responding to what youve explained to him IS the job by still believing the social vacuum (ie, sex work stigmas)....
Saying (preferring? idk youve waffled) you can not cam while he is there even though he knows full well what you're doing when he is not there... I mean is he an ostrich? when you bury your head in the sand it doesn't mean things you dont care for are no longer happening.
Thinking that him being insecure or not is in anyway controlled by what you say....
Explaining away his equating what you do for a living as being on par to being a lowlife and finding excuses to somehow explain how that is acceptable....
Yea. Insecure.
Have you showed him this thread yet? Do you think he'd get derailed by the insecurity comment so you had to defend it? If he would - uhhhhhh I mean....
Honestly: Why don't you do phone sex or non-adult work at home jobs? I'm not sure why you started camming? Doing something else may solve a lot of this existential conflict.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Busygirl
So everyone who doesn't accept adult work to be done as a job by loved ones is insecure? I don't think so. Even some of us who have %100 accepted this job, I don't have to explain to you guys that this type of work that we accepted is not widely accepted, and is looked down upon by the majority, so he might act upon that, not on his insecurity. I never gave him any reason to be insecure, and i explained the ins and outs of what i do on cam.
So everyone who doesn't accept adult work to be done as a job by loved ones is insecure? I don't think so.
Yes. Insecure or better said afraid of what OTHER people might think of him and you, if and when they find out. When a man DOES NOT CARE what OTHERS think, THEN he is SECURE with his decisions( aka the decision to be with an adult cam model)
Even some of us who have %100 accepted this job, I don't have to explain to you guys that this type of work that we accepted is not widely accepted, and is looked down upon by the majority so he might act upon that, not on his insecurity.....
Yes, true... the majority,,, and US, the MINORITY laugh all the way to the bank!!!
What is "widely accepted" is different for different countries, races, religions, etc.
what is widely accepted is VISA and MasterCard ! LOL
I never gave him any reason to be insecure, and i explained the ins and outs of what i do on cam
Its not about you giving him reasons....You coulb be doing non-adult and it sounds like its a No-No!!
As I said it takes a strong man to put up with it and an intelligent man to understand this is a f***ing acting j.o.b. !
If he doesnt get all these and you still want to be with him, more power to you.
--------
I cant believe you thought my post was disrespectful!
Therefore I am done with the topic
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Men who are OK with sex work as a concept exist, people. A few people have posted about them. They're not mythological unicorns from Narnia or something.
I have one too, but if I lost him tomorrow I'd still have an identity, you know what I mean?
Largely guys who accept sex work as a concept tend to more have issues with their GFs getting burned out, sleep schedules, maybe not paying as much sexual or emotional attention to the relationship - but their issue isn't "dudes are looking at you" because they have .... sense and LISTEN when you speak.
If you have worked on your own internalized stigma against this kind of work it is almost impossible to become attracted men who are sheeps to the social system.
Compromise and communication are important, yes, but if you're doing all the work - that's too much sacrifice. Resentment grows faster than you realize - and it is the ugliest way to kill a relationship. Life is too good.
What does camille27 say all the time: self-love.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused
Albert Einstein said it best, "Insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I work with horses and ride - while training horses we also go by this, "If what you're doing isn't working - change it!"
Busygirl, you could talk to your guy until you're blue in the face, show him this thread, beg, bribe, do anything and everything - some people simply don't want to change. If this camming subject is something you've talked to him over and over again and he has NOT budged or loop-holed it into another controlling situation then you are beating a dead horse - and no matter how much you wail on it, a dead horse simply will not move.
People go round and round as an excuse for staying, saying, "Well, if only we stick it out - I can convince him/her and they'll change there mind." See quote at the top. You will be waiting around forever and you will be miserable!
You CAN'T convince someone of anything. Their mind will change on THEIR terms, not on yours.
And as far as love goes, love doesn't have ultimatums, threats, control issues and put-downs. So if that is going on in a relationship I call BULLSHIT on his/her love.
He's not your father, you are ALLOWED to do whatever the hell you want, when you want and if he throws a tantrum he is a grown ass man, and is damn well capable of finding the door with or without your help.
You cannot sit and wallow in depression and then whine and cry about how it's effecting you. You have a choice to leave or stay, always. You just have to decide how badly you want do one or the other.
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Re: Controlling or compromise? very sad and confused