Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
So, lately my bf has been spending more time with his ex-FWB (lets call her Sophie), and I’m trying not to blow it out of context in my mind, but it’s getting harder... This is a girl who he broke off the FWB relationship with before I even came along because she was falling in love with him and acting crazy about it. And when we started dating, she got so jealous that she forbid him to bring me into the bar where she worked even when she wasn’t working/there. When he ignored this and brought me in one night (when she wasn’t even there), a couple of her guy friends got so pissed off at his “lack of disrespect” that they physically attacked him. When she heard about it, she could only muster a half-assed apology along the lines of “sorry, I didn’t tell them to do that, but you were warned.” After that night, things calmed down - we weren’t harassed again and I’ve been back in the bar while she’s working without any sort of incident. But still, this was crazy, and he’s even the one who was calling her a “psycho bitch” before this even happened and gave me any reason to dislike her. I was the one being like “oh, I bet she’s not that bad” every time he talked shit about her, and he’d claim that she really was a psycho bitch and that’s why he had had to break things off with her in the first place. So I figured, especially after this incident, that he didn’t talk to her anymore...
A couple weeks ago, I asked him if he had the next day off and he was like “Yeah, but I’m helping Sophie move her mom.” I didn’t respond cuz I was just kinda like wtf? He promised 3 months ago to put up my shelves in my new apartment and can never seem to find the time to do that, but he’ll spend his entire day off helping psycho-bitch move her mom?? I talked to a friend and she calmed me down by saying that he was probably friends with her whole family and felt an obligation to help the mom out. I still think it was sketch of this girl to ask my bf over probably dozens of other guy friends she could have asked, but I didn’t blame my bf and was like “ok, fine, it’s no big deal.” Then, I went into his work on the night my friend and I always go in, and Sophie sitting at the bar with her friend, trying to constantly include my bf in the conversation. I pulled my friend to the bathroom and was like “Ok, wth?” and she again calmed me down by saying that he didn’t seem to really respond to her much and was just being polite. Then the other day, we’re talking about clothes shopping and he starts telling me a story about how he just recently went shopping with Sophie cuz he needed black pants for her brother’s wedding... Again, I can understand him going to the wedding as I assume he’s friends with the brother as well, but why does she need to go with him to help him get pants?? He’s 26 years old - I would hope he can take himself to the mall and buy himself some black pants without assistance.
This is all just starting to seem really sketch to me... Not necessarily on my bf’s side, especially since he always tells me about these incidents so he clearly has nothing to hide, but I think the bitch is being sketchy. If she went so crazy over liking my bf that he had to end things with her, and then got so insanely jealous when he started dating me, I don’t believe that after only a few months she’s completely over him... I get the sense that he’s starting to get over what she’s done in the past, and she’s using it as opportunity to try to get back into his life as a really good friend. I mean, really? She had to ask him of all her guy friends to help move her mom? She had to go shopping with him to help him pick out some black pants? After months of never showing up at his job, she just happens to go in that night and tries to constantly grab his attention away from me? I trust my bf but I think him hanging out with a ex-FWB, who he himself called a “psycho bitch," in the context of things like shopping when he doesn’t need any help picking out some pants is really sketch... I want to be honest that him resuming his friendship with her and seeing/hanging out with her almost as much as me the past couple weeks makes me uncomfortable, but if he thinks I’m just over-reacting, I don’t want him to just start doing it without telling me and then me feel like he’s doing shit behind my back...
So... am I over-reacting? I really really really hate being or acting jealous, so I need some outside perspective to know if I should actually bring this up or just let it go.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
It has nothing to do with her.....It has to do with you and your bf. If he hooks up with her, it is 100% your bf's fault. He is betraying you, not her.
If your bf WANTS her involved in his life, she will be. If he doesnt want her in his life, she wont be. Its all on him.
It sounds like he wants her as a friend, or he likes the idea of her pursuing him. So this will be an ongoing problem for you. You need to talk to him about it. If you trust him, then you believe that nothing is going to happen between them, so there should be no problem.
You just need to make it clear what is acceptable to you and what isnt. For example, if you and your bf are out together, he either needs to pay attention to you, or include you in conversations he is having with others(unless you are out in a group). So if she is trying to continually 'grab his attention' and he doesnt include you when he is talking to her for a length of time...once again, its all HIS fault, not hers.
As a guy, I will tell you that it is good for the ego to be around a girl that wants you. That might be all that is going on here. OR.....He might have designs on hooking up with her or has feelings for her. In general, guys dont really go back for seconds at the psycho store just for friendship.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
I think the BF is the one to blame.. He is the one picking to hang out with her, he is the one putting her in his life and helping her. I wouldnt trust her motives either way.. you cant be good friends with an ex-fwbs buddy anyway. You need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him you arent comfortable with him seeing her and set the rules. If she was really that psycho, he sure wouldnt be seeing her again.. any man with a common sense will not see a crazy bitch for sex even.. more of a friendship.. highly doubtful.
Sit your boyfriend down, he needs to be more open with you, as he doesnt seem to be telling you everything (ex. shopping with her for pants, or helping the MOM move!) If he freaks out and disagrees about your agruement then something is wrong.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
the fact that he hasn't set up your shelves but has time to be her knight in shining armor suggests that he can't meet your needs.
it sounds like this is a good time to let some other men into your life. it sounds like you are in an exclusive relationship and he is not.
you are the prize to be won. you are not to be doing the chasing.
i bet if you let your guard down, all of these men would rush in, ready to build you bookshelves and take you to fun places and bend over backwards to make you feel good. but it's really hard to see these other men when your focus is on the man who is running around with his not ex girlfriend.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
I think that's pretty shady. If it happened once or twice, that's forgivable, but seriously... her popping up so much and actually succeeding in hanging out with your bf is just weird. You should talk to him about it, and explain that you're not being jealous, just uncomfortable with him hanging out with a girl he has a bad history with, as much as he hangs out with you. Make sure you talk to him in a level-headed, non-confrontational way.
If you're not okay with her being in his life, then your boyfriend needs to respect that. It's NOT normal for him to treat someone he calls a "psycho" like a girlfriend/very good friend, and do that kind of personal stuff with her. You're a major part of his life, and if he wants to be with you, he has to make the right choices.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Kisca
.. any man with a common sense will not see a crazy bitch for sex even..
completely sober.........maybe 50/50
anything more than 4 or 5 drinks........I'm happily diving head first into the crazy pool.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
It's totally shady. He should have very little to do with past exes out of respect for you. He may still have lingering feelings for her. Tell him you don't want him to see her anymore, period. Lay down the law.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
It seems really shady. The part that I would find most difficult is that he refers to her as a psycho, yet seems to enjoy hanging out with her as a friend. The two do not go together.
It's his fault- he can cease contact at any time. She's probably still obsessed with him, and will naturally attempt to spend time with him whenever possible. She can't "steal" him from you- he's a grown adult who can make his own decisions- which currently are not looking great.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
I thought this has been discussed, in previous threads. Men don't have women, as "friends". They have women they've fucked or women they're willing to/anticipating to fuck, in the near/distant future. That is all.
You're being treated like a rebound-date. Your BF is going to cheat on you with this woman. Count on it.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
I'd be insanely jealous for sure, and im not really a jealous girlfriend. I have like the same situation going on between me and my boyfriend and it like bothers me that I'm jealous. ANYWAYS come to find out that she called him and begged for him back AND made up some big story about how back in the day when they were fucking she had to get an abortion. And then when he calls her out on it she makes up some excuse like "OH no I scheduled the abortion but then I got my period...". Anyways, this isnt about me. But I straight put my boyfriend through a little test by saying well I'm not going to ban you from talking but I don't approve of this bitch. He stopped talking to her out of respect for me. So I mean, just put it out there in a non crazy way and monitor the situation secretly.. Lol. I guess that sounds weird but it's better than letting him pull one over on you with this girl. I think you have the right to be jealous though, but just be non-chalant when bringing it up.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
How can he have obligations to her when she got him beat up. It's his deal, not hers and if he loves you, he won't have her in his life if she makes you as uncomfortable as she does.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Man, fuck that shit.
He is TOTALLY being shady here. And don't think for one second that he doesn't understand what this girl's motives are. He TOTALLY understands. Maybe this is an ego boost for him--I've known a lot of guys who manipulate situations so that they have multiple girls "fighting" over him, just so they can feel like a big man. Or maybe she's a backup for him, in case you two don't work out. Worst case scenario, he is cheating on you with her. I don't know if that's the case or not. But you better believe he knows that this girl wants you two to break up, and he obviously doesn't have a problem with that, as he is hanging out with her a lot, and not even always telling you about it ahead of time. That is incredibly sketchy, and you deserve a guy that doesn't play these stupid fucking games.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Hate to point out what might be the obvious also but let's not forget if they are making arrangements to shop for pants and move mom there must be alot of communication going on between the two of them. If it is innocent...why is conversation always happening when you aren't around? Also, if they are merely 'friends' then there shouldn't be any problem with him taking YOU to the wedding.
Right?
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
^ Agreed. I find it amazingly suspicious that you are finding out about all these conversations and interactions AFTER the fact.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Your boyfriend has alot of growing up to do. I would just call it quits due to his lack of respect for you. Btw why is your bf taking you to his ex” s bar? Arent there other bars out there? Sounds like he was trying to make her jelous. Hes playing games. I wouldnt bother wasting my time on a man like him.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
None of us can tell you what to do, but I honestly don't think I could handle knowing my boyfriend randomly spends time with that girl. I would also be happy that he lets you know he's doing it and isn't hiding it, but why doesn't he tell you before hand? I would be WAY happier about that. And it seems like he only tells you about the ones that seem to fit into the conversation. I wouldn't be ok with it myself :(
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Ughh.. I was really hoping I was just over-reacting. Part of me wants to believe that he's just keeping her complacent because he's being a typical guy who doesn't want conflict, so he's just going with it all to not cause drama. Admittedly, a couple months ago, an ex of mine was moving out of the country and I made plans to get dinner with him before he left to say goodbye. I told my bf about it, but just said "a friend" cuz I felt weird telling him it was an ex. Long story short, we ran into the ex at a bar before our meeting anyway, we all hung out together for a couple hours, I felt really shady and bad about not saying it was an ex-bf and apologized over and over again, saying that I just didn't want it to sound weird cuz it's been so long since we've been together that I don't have feelings for it him anymore. My bf was super cool about it and started just referring to him as "my friend" - but my ex started acting really inappropriate afterward, saying things like he wanted me back and making inappropriate sexual comments so I stopped talking to him and didn't meet him for the dinner... I never told my bf about this cuz I didn't want him to start thinking that there really was something weird going on that I didn't tell him about after he was so cool about it all. I think he thinks this contact with the ex-FWB is fine since in his mind I'm still friends with and hanging out with ex-boyfriends.
But this really is all shady... I can understand being civil to her or hanging out in a group of mutual friends. I can even accept him helping her mom if he's friends with the family. But cutesy little shopping trips? No... I will talk to him about this, and see if he respects my desire for him to not be all buddy-buddy with her again when any idiot can see that she's doing all this to recapture his attention, and it will never stop unless he puts a stop to it.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Aurora_Sunset
Ughh.. I was really hoping I was just over-reacting. Part of me wants to believe that he's just keeping her complacent because he's being a typical guy who doesn't want conflict, so he's just going with it all to not cause drama. Admittedly, a couple months ago, an ex of mine was moving out of the country and I made plans to get dinner with him before he left to say goodbye. I told my bf about it, but just said "a friend" cuz I felt weird telling him it was an ex. Long story short, we ran into the ex at a bar before our meeting anyway, we all hung out together for a couple hours, I felt really shady and bad about not saying it was an ex-bf and apologized over and over again, saying that I just didn't want it to sound weird cuz it's been so long since we've been together that I don't have feelings for it him anymore. My bf was super cool about it and started just referring to him as "my friend" - but my ex started acting really inappropriate afterward, saying things like he wanted me back and making inappropriate sexual comments so I stopped talking to him and didn't meet him for the dinner... I never told my bf about this cuz I didn't want him to start thinking that there really was something weird going on that I didn't tell him about after he was so cool about it all. I think he thinks this contact with the ex-FWB is fine since in his mind I'm still friends with and hanging out with ex-boyfriends.
But this really is all shady... I can understand being civil to her or hanging out in a group of mutual friends. I can even accept him helping her mom if he's friends with the family. But cutesy little shopping trips? No... I will talk to him about this, and see if he respects my desire for him to not be all buddy-buddy with her again when any idiot can see that she's doing all this to recapture his attention, and it will never stop unless he puts a stop to it.
I think that's a good idea. If you stopped talking to your ex right after he started getting weird, you should be hoping your boyfriend would be doing the same, ya know? But even if you think about it like it being the same way, I don't feel it is. I feel like since it was a sexual relationship mainly with the girl being as it was FWB, that it isn't even the same level as what you had with ex-boyfriends. You had real relationships with these guys, and you cared about them on a different level then just sexual, and showed it by being more than that with them. And a while had passed in between. He was mainly just having a sexual relationship with her, which shouldn't been seen the same, in my opinion! Being alone with her, or spending time with her randomly, isn't really the same thing. And you told him everything about the ex boyfriend thing when you were talking to the guy, but he doesn't really tell you everything. I hope things go well! Good luck :)
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Guys aren't friends with the family after the relationship dissolves. Sounds like he's pretty involved in her life. If he's doing all this after she essentially got him attacked... Something is up. My husband is friends with quite a few of his ex FWBs and GFs, I'm friends with them as well... But at a distance; friendly, but not BFF and we always hang out with them together.
You aren't being included for a reason.
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
I've noticed that a lot of the time, when a guy describes a girl as a "crazy bitch"...he did something to make her go crazy on him (implying a relationship would happen when it won't , cheating, lying, just acting like an asshole in general etc. ) so I wouldn't take his word for it that she's "crazy". My friend's ex bf did the same type of thing. Turns out his "crazy" ex wasn't crazy, he just treated her so badly that she went nuts on him
Re: Is this shady or am I over-reacting?
Why the hell are you still with this dude? You sound like his secondary gf. Sophie sounds like his primary gf, this whole situation sounds like your about to be dumped or cheated on or worse find out he told her you guys broke up and are now just friends (or were never really dating to begin with.)