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You should try to talk with your bf about it. If youre totally sure he would be against it and would end the relationship over it then u really have to weigh what you want more, your relationship or more money and nice clothes, trips, ect. In this business we have to make these choices for ourselves. It would be nice but most of the time we can't "have our cake and eat it too". Say like in a perfect world we would be able to keep the perfect boyfriend and the job that pays well, but it is not always the case.
Does your guy know you USED to dance? What are his thoughts on that?
You sound like a PERFECT candidate for camming btw... it really lends itself well to the college schedule, especially if you have your own place. :-)
Would your guy be ok with you camming? Or is it just like dancing, in his mind?
If you start dancing behind his back, just know that he won't be your boyfriend for long. As long as you are ok with that, then do whatever you feel you need to do.
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You think he would call your mom???
That's jacked.
Ehhh, just be honest about what you want to do. The way he handles it will reveal whether or not you two are truly compatible. See it from his perspective but hold on to your autonomy as well. Whatever you do, consider that it would suck to be lied to about something like that.
You should talk to him. What if somebody that knows him sees you at the club and tells him, and then he'd feel betrayed?
Ok first of all is this a new boyfriend? How long have you been together? I know you said that it is something special, but believe me, nothing is special enough with any guy to make yourself miserable over. I moved to be with my bf last summer and the clubs there fucking sucked and there was no transit so my cabfare home every night really ate into my earnings. I was completely miserable, same as you, totally broke, relying on him for all my "fun", not able to go out. I got really depressed, and I now remember it as my "dark time" lol. But really, if you've been together for longer than six months I think you should talk to him and if he really cares about you he will let you earn your own independence, because he will understand you'll be happier because of it. If you haven't been with him for 4 months, I don't think you'd really be in a serious enough yet place for you to "need" to tell him--as in he can't really get upset with you for witholding that information yet, you maintain a certain level of independence through the beginning of a relationship. I have had friends that successfully hid it from guys they were seeing, but they usually only worked a few times a month and were careful not to dance at places, or on shifts that might attract people they knew--mainly weekend night shifts and more popular clubs.
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I hate to sound judgmental, but this is your best friend (and partner) of 8 years, and he couldn't handle you doing something that just logistically makes sense for you to do?
I'm confused.
Honey if you can't tell him, and he won't support you you're with the wrong guy. If you hide it and he finds out it will be a whole lot worse and believe me, people ALWAYS find out. Either you want to share your life with this man (and that means every aspect) or you don't. Think of it from the other side, you've got this whole secret life you don't trust him enough to tell him about. To him that screams that you're doing something wrong, which in turn reinforces the idea that this industry (ie. you) is dirty. That's going to make it even more of an issue.
My .02? Either respect him enough to tell him, or if you really can't trust him not to do something like call your mom, end it, because he's not the right guy and never will be.
I've been with this guy for over two years now and I tried going back to dancing a year ago and he totally flipped out and begged me to not go back. So I didn't in hopes my day job, college degree job would pick up. Well it hasn't, it's gotten even slower and believe me I've tried getting work! I went thru all of my savings and closed out my IRA account to pay my bills. I'm also back in school which I'm paying myself and am refusing to accept anymore money from mom. I totally appreciate all the help she's given me it's that I prefer to make my own money whatever the job is and maybe only get help from mom & dad when I'm really strapped. My mom knows I used to dance and I decided to tell her first that I was going back because I do live in her basement apartment and I've realized I can't hide anything from her long. She always figures out. Guess it's a mom thing. She thanked me for being honest with her and although she'd rather me do something else, I think she's willing to accept it.
I also finally made the decision that regardless what the bf said, I was going to dance anyway. I'm over being so broke that I'm getting out the loose change jar, my credit card's maxed and I have tuition coming up to pay for. I also live like a poor person, drive an old car, shop at thrift stores and had food stamps for awhile just to eat. I finally woke up one day and said "that's it, I'm done living like this". If the bf doesn't want me dancing, I won't ONLY if he'll pay for EVERYTHING in which he can't afford. So I sat him down one night and told him that's what I'm doing, don't try to talk me out of it, my mind's made up. I said I don't like sneaking around and lying so I'm telling you now and that I start in 3 more days. To my surprise he said "ok." He's been awesome, supportive and it's made me want to love him more. My first night back was last Saturday in which I had a pretty decent night for first time back in 3 yrs and at a new club. He even came over my house at 4am after my shift to massage my aching feet!!! I guess he decided it was more important to him to have me in his life than not and he totally trusts me.
I would say be honest because they always find out eventually. I think he'd be more upset finding out from someone else and that you lied about it. He'd start wondering what else you were lying about. What I did with my bf and mom I laid out all the things I've done trying to get steady work, the problems I've had with getting paid from my contract work, that my credit card is maxed, savings gone, IRA gone and trying to pay for school so I can have reliable work again and that I'd rather do my contract work, however, it hasn't gone that way, that I'm being realistic and the reason I'm going back to dancing is I have a flexible schedule, work part-time around school and when I work I leave with money and I don't wanna finish grad school with $200,000+ of debt. When I told it to them that way, that I have goals & plan, not stripping just to strip, they were supportive. I'm so happy I was honest and feel so much better about myself than if I lied. I wish you all the luck and hope it works out for you!
I did this. Actually, I think Odette may even be referring to me in her post! It's certainly possible if you're very sneaky. That said, I did not dance in my hometown and didn't see a future with either of the guys I was seeing.
It sounds like you have a lot more to lose by going back to stripping, especially in hiding, than I did. Are there no other jobs in your area that pay better than your office work? Perhaps you could return to bartending? I get the feeling you're not willing to just throw this relationship away to have some extra cash.
Provided you were honest about it, I'm sure your mother would get over stripping if she was supportive in the past. The main issue lies with your boyfriend though, as you'd sort of have to fess up to having danced before and been okay with it, to explain why you're so keen on going back to it. If what you have is so special and you really see a future with him, that's a conversation that would be very important to have. Think about it: you're in your hometown, there are many people you know or who know you/your family/your boyfriend, so you're bound to run into them or be spotted by them at some point in the club. I guarantee it would be exponentially worse for your boyfriend to find out that you were hiding this from someone else than to have an open conversation with you about it.
Does he know about your financial issues? When you're both alone, preferable at your place so his parents aren't around, sit him down to have a calm conversation about this. Explain what you've told us: you want to be able to visit your mother, put some money into savings, etc., and it's just not possible with your current employment. Tell him that you understated your previous experience with stripping because in the past people have taken it the wrong way, and you thought that chapter in your life was closed. Then, ask him how he would feel about you supplementing your income with a few shifts here and there. Say you hope he can support your decision and want to have open communication about this whole thing so both of you are comfortable with your decision, because he means a lot to you and you see a future with him. You can even offer to do a trial period if he's not overly receptive to the idea, where you'll give it a shot for a couple of weeks and then you two can reconvene to discuss again. That may help you get a clearer idea of whether stripping or your boyfriend are more important to you.
FWIW, I think this is really your central problem, and stripping isn't just going to make your issues with money go away. Most full-time college students are broke. They don't have several thousand dollars in savings. They take money from their parents. They don't get fancy haircuts or highlights. They don't wear expensive clothes or take expensive vacations. I understand you're attending a school where that isn't necessarily the norm, but it's important to put things into perspective.
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Bit of a side-track
The more I read this thread the more I'm getting the impression that you are really unhappy with your situation in general. As in, you are really not happy, you aren't content. It kind of sounds like you miss Florida. Has the thought crossed your mind to move back down there and go to college? You would way more easily be able to dance with some distance from your family and boyfriend, and you'd get your independence back. I could be wrong but I'm getting a lot of the same vibes that I was feeling this past summer in my own miserable hometown. It felt like someone stole my mojo. I was soooooooo happy once I left haha.
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It sounds like mini-trips out of town ( much lower risk getting caught if you work 2-3 hours away ) might be the way to go . IFbf was ok with this, he would have the security of knowing it's a lower risk of you being spotted.
I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with wanting sex work and having a guy balk at the idea. I would start your efforts by FIRST explaining that you are having money problems .... talk about how you really need to make ends meet ( with school load ) for a few days first before even mentioning stripping.
This is more generalized input but I don't think I would be comfortable dating someone who is morally opposed to stripping. I imagine that sharing all parts of your life are important in a relationship and that you seem to be trying to compartmentalize your life. I would advise you to either come clean and try to work things out or to leave the boyfriend.
How did it go ? Did you talk to him ? I wish J was ok with dancing but just like it would break my heart to think of him having sex with another girl .... he says it breaks his heart to think of me naked and dancing for other men. He realizes it pays well but reports he just can't handle it.
i hope that your dude can wrap his head around it differently!
But you can't always choose who you love. I don't know how old the op is but assuming she's around 22--if she met her boyfriend when she was 14...obviously she's a different girl than she has been. There's no way to predict how someone will grow up and develop their morals. This happens all the time that dancers hide dancing from people they love to not hurt them. Unfortunately it can be the case that someone will be more hurt by finding out that you dance than you lying to them--obviously conditional upon the fact they never discover the lie. The question op needs to ask herself is if she wants to roll the dice with her bf...he could be supportive, or, what she thinks is more likely is that he'll freak out...then she gets fucked because she was trying to do the right thing. If you ask me I'd rather get fucked trying to keep everyone happy...hey, at least you tried right? Unfortunately there is no clear cut solution to this. You are going to either have to lie or probably upset someone, you have to choose which you think will be the lesser of two evils.
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If you phrase it like this,
rather than this,
you stand a much better chance of getting him to understand why stripping is so good for you, beyond the whole, getting naked for and dancing up on old men aspect, which most disapproving boyfriends seem to focus on.
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