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How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Only two people in the world know what I actually do for a living, and none of them even live in this state.
I met this guy a couple of weeks ago, and I really like him. He's trying to take it reaaally slow, so we haven't even had a "sleepover" yet, but he's over my house a few nights a week for dinner with my toddler. We're quite close emotionally, but I feel like we should at least wait until we're committed to some extent before I tell him about that part of my life.
The issue is, I'm having major problems with my current living situation (the landlord tried to illegally penalize me for my child's screaming, then he went to jail for his 4th OWI for an indeterminate amount of time, so I don't even know if the Internet is going to stay on much longer with no one paying the bill for weeks, which of course would render me jobless), and my friend has a two-bedroom. While acknowledging that it's quite soon into our relationship, he has offered us his extra room for the fact that I need to get out of my housing situation. I'd been aggressively looking for a different place for weeks before I met this guy, and I'm touched that he would sacrifice some of his peace for my stability.
He doesn't have Internet access, but even if he did, I'm very hesitant to take his offer...not only because I've lived with boyfriends before and I'm convinced it almost never works out, but also because he doesn't know what I do for a living. He thinks I'm a web designer, and it feels very weird making up stuff on the fly when he asks for details. It would make me more comfortable to tell him the truth just so that I don't have to keep up this awkwardness, but I'm secretly terrified that telling him this early will negatively affect our relationship. People can't help mentally creating this stigma, even the ones close to you. The very first person I told was clearly appalled at first, as good friends as we are.
Well, that's my situation, but I was wondering if anyone had a good rule of thumb to use for when to tell a potential partner. It's hard because you can't get close to someone and not talk about work. :-\
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Personally...I see two issues here. The first one is moving in with someone out of need...its a situational move. As sweet an offer it is, you guys have only been dating for a couple of weeks, and the way I would look at it is, if you werent in this situation would you be moving in with him? If you hadnt met him a couple of weeks ago what would you have done? I think the best thing you can do for your relationship is to take time getting to know each other before you depend on him. He anyway doesnt have internet...
The second thing is your original q...I have to get to really know and trust someone before I will reveal to them what I do. With my ex, I was with him for about 3 months...he started telling me he loved me a month into the relationship, it took me another 2 months before I said it. I had met many of his friends, and was talking about introducing me to his parents. I felt that we had a real future together, and wanted to let him know before I met the parents, which is a huge deal to me...the only time I bring anyone home to meet my family is if Im about to marry them. I knew we werent at that point lol but I also know Im really guraded (he didnt meet my family til we were together almost 2 yrs...)
Anyway, I would think long and hard about moving in with him and telling him, cause its all out of a desperate act resulting from your living conditions. You need a place to live, hes offered, hence your faced with telling him what you do. A more ideal situation is...you reach a point where you want him to know what you do, and when you do end up living together its because you guys have decided you're ready to take that next step in the relationship.
With the first scenario, you are at his mercy..and thats not a good place to be. Especially with a guy youve dated only a few weeks. Personally, I would work my ass off to make as much money as possible to move into my own place. I live in Miami, and a friend of mine who was couch surfing for almost a year finally got a job and a studio apartment on SouthBeach with all utilities included for $600/mth with no deposit. Yeah its a crappy building and his place looks...crappy. But its all his. Considering how everyone says its so expensive here, I reckon to guess whereever you are, you should be able to find something around that amount, have your independence and privacy, and be able to be in your relationship without having to depend on him from the get go.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Yea I would like to know this myself.. I have never met but one guy who was cool with this and that's because he was a mama's boy and needed mommy to take care of him.. didn't even know how to pay a bill at age 42..lol..
And the boyfriend I had before that already knew what I did before I met him for a date because he showed my pic to his employee ( I was not going to ever meet him but it turned out we dated for almost 6 months.. I want to get married and he didn't want to with me.. It was hard because he said what man would ever take you serious with that kinda job?).. Apparently I am kinda famous..LOL.... this happened another time to me on a date.. he introduced to me the bartender.. and the bartender told him who i was.... uggh.. I am always feeling like i have to hide out.
When I first started I told guys right away what I did for a living.. I was not ashamed or embarrassed to me it was not a big deal... I was paying my own way and raising children so what's the big deal?? But apparently, this turned out to be a BAD thing.. men assume i was easy! and they could take advantage of me.. so i quit telling guys what I do.. And it also became 20 questions about my job instead about me.. so I was like you want to get to know her?? the fake person i created or the real me?? it was exasperating.
So I dunno?? I have been single virtually the entire 10 yrs.. because of this job..
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
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With the first scenario, you are at his mercy..and thats not a good place to be. Especially with a guy youve dated only a few weeks. Personally, I would work my ass off to make as much money as possible to move into my own place. I live in Miami, and a friend of mine who was couch surfing for almost a year finally got a job and a studio apartment on SouthBeach with all utilities included for $600/mth with no deposit. Yeah its a crappy building and his place looks...crappy. But its all his. Considering how everyone says its so expensive here, I reckon to guess whereever you are, you should be able to find something around that amount, have your independence and privacy, and be able to be in your relationship without having to depend on him from the get go.
^^^THIS thank you. Especially the part about the fact that I'm at his mercy. I felt the same way when I was 19 and living with a guy. Because of him, I was homeless eight months later in a state where I had no family...taught me a few lessons right off the bat about independence. :)
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Yeah, to be honest, its not so much out of shame, but the reaction why I would be cautious. People in all fields of work are the same way...as a matter of fact, when I met my ex, I knew he was a musician, but I thought he was your run of the mill guy doing gigs around town. He purposely hid it from me that he was actually a pretty successful one, because girls would be more interested in his job, showing him off, wanting to be with him cause of what he did and who they could meet. He didnt tell me until we were together over a month, and the hilarity, is when he told me who he was touring with I was like "who?" and I had to find the guy on wiki. At that point he realized I was the last person who would be with him cause of what he did, and he felt a huge relief.
Cam is the same way, you can end up with a guy who wants to show you off or look at you like a sex object or bragging rights....or in my case, though my bf was totally fine with what I did, after a couple of years, he grew really annoyed. We got into a few arguments about it when out of the blue, he suddenly had a problem with what I did, and he finally told me that even though he is proud of me for being able to be independent and make my own money, he hates that he cant openly be proud, that my job is a secret and hes with someone he has to keep a secret and never tell anyone and that it was shameful etc and that he would just die if he knew his dad had ever seen my cam.
I thought that was crazy, but over a year after our breakup, while helping his dad with some computer issues, there were a bunch of those tubesites in his history, and of course the links to the pop-unders for live jasmine and MFC, and I realized his dad must have said something to him about the whole cam world or whatever, and my ex freaked out that he may have, or could see me. Whatever... lol
Anyway, as for a guy accepting what you do, its possible... Now that Im an escort, I dont think I could even feel nervous about telling a guy I do cam like I did with my ex, on the other hand I could *never* tell a guy that I escort, and already know Im not going to meet or be with anyone while doing this.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
I'd be very careful about moving in with someone so quickly. The first few months of dating are always the honeymoon phase where everyone is happy and so attentive and on their best behavior. It takes awhile to see what the person is really like and how well you match.
My boyfriend knows what I do and is fine with it because he knows it's just online fantasy. I was already dating him when I started thinking of camming and I did discuss it with him before doing it. If I was just casually dating someone I wouldnt feel the need to tell him but if it was someone that I could see being together with for quite awhile and having it grow into something more serious then I would definately tell him.
If a guy I was dating worked in the adult industry, I would want to know.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
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Originally Posted by
anonymous camgirl
When I first started I told guys right away what I did for a living.. I was not ashamed or embarrassed to me it was not a big deal... I was paying my own way and raising children so what's the big deal?? But apparently, this turned out to be a BAD thing.. men assume i was easy! and they could take advantage of me.. so i quit telling guys what I do.. And it also became 20 questions about my job instead about me.. so I was like you want to get to know her?? the fake person i created or the real me?? it was exasperating.
So I dunno?? I have been single virtually the entire 10 yrs.. because of this job..
THIS!!! THIS!!! THIS!!! a very good example of why you should NOT tell guys early on in the relationship. whenever i decide to get back in the dating field - which at this point feels like almost next to never - cuz i just don't have the desire to get that close to a man again - i certainly won't be telling them right away. i can't really say an exact time limit, but just do it whenever it feels right to you. always trust ur gut.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
My boyfriend knew before we became exclusive. We are, however both extremely sexual, which may be why he understood more. Furthermore, he knew that I was not in a good position, I was broke a single mom, just got layed off and camming along with freelancing gave me the food I needed and gas to come see him. I felt though, that he would not be going anywhere so I wasn't exactly afraid to open up. He is not, on the other hand, cool at all with stripping and he told me if I ever did escort work that we could still live together as roommates and friends but he could no longer be sexual with me if other guys were inserting their goods in me. So I just cam.
I think before you get attached to this guy, and especially before you move in, or even become "gf/bf", you should tell him. That way feelings will be less hurt, even though I'm sure it would still hurt your feelings if he rejected you. Get a feel for him, ask obscure questions about sexuality, perspectives on adult work, projected as a conversation/debate. At that point you should have a feel for if he is cool with this stuff before you throw yourself under a bus. There is no reason to be attacked for you profession and you might be able to avoid that. Plus there are risks of him outing you (assuming he is local, met your friends, etc.). So to sum up, get a feel for whether it is worth discussing at all and do it before you two really get involved.
Finding a new home is hard, moving is hard. But if you keep your search going, eventually you should find an excellent deal - something like what you are paying or better. Don't move in with him until you two have an idea of where the relationship is going, what you are both expecting from a relationship and so on. I've been the person where the other relies on me for shelter, and when you realize that it's not going to work, things get very emotional and stressful. I've been on the other side as well, relying on someone for my shelter and when the get frustrated for supporting you, you end up feeling bad, guilty, stressed out and even cornered. I know you said you've been there before, do you want to potentially relive those feelings, scrambling to find a new place, especially with a child?
This is hard stuff and only you know this guy, either way it will probably be difficult and scary. Sit down and brainstorm, think of what advice you can put into use, along with your own knowledge and go from there. I wish you the best of luck. Not all guys hate the webcamming world, but finding one who is entirely ok with it seems hard to come by. I truly hope that you've found one of these gems. Again, good luck with everything (home and beau), and take care!
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
If you tell a man what you do and he assumes you're easy, you're hanging around the wrong men. All you have to say is "I'm an adult/nude model" (actually I usually stick with "fetish model") and if he asks questions, tell him a little about it and then change the subject. I feel like its more in your tone/presence/how you carry yourself that gives off the "I'm easy!" tone. In other words, its not what you say but rather how you say it.
Personally, if I was dating a guy I would tell him upfront (ONLY if I was interested in him). It saves a lot of drama, heartache, and trust issues. Wait too long to tell a guy a big component of yourself and its trust issues for life. We all know relationships with trust issues don't work out. And what if the guy was completely against the adult industry or sex work? I personally wouldn't want to date someone that is, and I'd like to know that upfront. I feel like telling guys your occupation and seeing how they react to it will tell you A LOT about him. The good, the bad, the ugly.
Some of this might have to do with my age bracket and location though. Mid-twenties to late-twenties men (the men I tend to date) seem to be more open-minded. The younger, the more open-minded. Same with my location. Very liberal. Lots of sexworkers, BDSM fetishists, porn. So perhaps all of this is more accepted here and that's why?
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
I would have to disagree.. I dress very conservatively. And act like miss priss in real life.. especially with men who i don't know very well.. If I have the unfortunate opportunity to tell them what I do for a living whoever it may be?? they are quite shocked because I do not look like the type.. Unless I am in a particular setting such as a nite club.. but don't go to those anymore gettin old and no one wants to go ..haha
oh BTW i am in my late thirties.. and I have noticed that men my age are either just looking to get laid cuz they just got a divorce OR they are extremely conversative and close minded to a job like this.
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Originally Posted by
GlamourRouge
If you tell a man what you do and he assumes you're easy, you're hanging around the wrong men. All you have to say is "I'm an adult/nude model" (actually I usually stick with "fetish model") and if he asks questions, tell him a little about it and then change the subject. I feel like its more in your tone/presence/how you carry yourself that gives off the "I'm easy!" tone. In other words, its not what you say but rather how you say it.
Personally, if I was dating a guy I would tell him upfront (ONLY if I was interested in him). It saves a lot of drama, heartache, and trust issues. Wait too long to tell a guy a big component of yourself and its trust issues for life. We all know relationships with trust issues don't work out. And what if the guy was completely against the adult industry or sex work? I personally wouldn't want to date someone that is, and I'd like to know that upfront. I feel like telling guys your occupation and seeing how they react to it will tell you A LOT about him. The good, the bad, the ugly.
Some of this might have to do with my age bracket and location though. Mid-twenties to late-twenties men (the men I tend to date) seem to be more open-minded. The younger, the more open-minded. Same with my location. Very liberal. Lots of sexworkers, BDSM fetishists, porn. So perhaps all of this is more accepted here and that's why?
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
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Originally Posted by
anonymous camgirl
I would have to disagree.. I dress very conservatively. And act like miss priss in real life.. especially with men who i don't know very well.. If I have the unfortunate opportunity to tell them what I do for a living whoever it may be?? they are quite shocked because I do not look like the type.. Unless I am in a particular setting such as a nite club.. but don't go to those anymore gettin old and no one wants to go ..haha
oh BTW i am in my late thirties.. and I have noticed that men my age are either just looking to get laid cuz they just got a divorce OR they are extremely conversative and close minded to a job like this.
I honestly think its a lot harder as you get older. Although I'm 24 so I haven't noticed it personally. But it seems like older men are either 1.) more conservative because times were different when they grew up, or 2.) wanting to stay single forever (especially if they are already divorced or were never married). Oh and I see you just wrote that lol. Yeah, I think that's the case. In the future, I think very few men are going to get married because they don't need to. Its almost a hassle. So often times they're just looking to hook up, yeah. But I don't think telling them what you do either way is going to change the idea of thinking you're easy or not. They probably already thought that regardless of what you do, about women in general.
I actually think telling guys you're interest in might actually work in your favor. Even if they think you're easy, that will still probably work in your favor. They're probably going to assume you're good at sex since you're in the industry, so they're going to want to hook up with you just because (all guys are like this before they get to know someone). Then its up to you to make him wait it out and I guess *earn* it. But by that point, he will have gotten to know you and really like you, so then you'd probably be together. Like the Why Men Love Bitches catch.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
I haven't had a problem with this yet....I mean I've only been camming for about 5 months, but the few people I have told are cool with it...and my ex as well as the guy I'm sort of seeing right now know and they're also cool with it. [shrug] I would see it as a huge red flag if I was seeing someone for a few weeks, told them and they turned around and disrespected me over it. IT.WOULD.MAKE.ME.SEE.RED. But luckily I'm very open about who I am in general in the sense that I don't take shit from people. A few of my friends actually weren't surprised and wondered why I hadn't tried this sooner!!
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Well, I feel like the man I'm supposed to be with will accept me 100% for who I am, just as I will do for him. If it's someone I just met, I would get to know the kind of person he is first, then tell him.
I also don't suggest moving in so soon. I moved in with my ex after a month or so when I was 19...were together for 2 years with a cat, but I gradually realized I didn't love him and we were not compatible at all. I'm 23, single, and have my own place now. I'd keep looking for a place, and just visit him often to get away.
Whatever you do, don't rush into anything you're unsure of. And if you do move in, you should probably tell him beforehand to see how he feels.
You want him to want you...not who he thinks you are.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
I'm sorry that you are in such a tough spot with your living situation, OP! I know it isn't your main question, but if you know who the internet provider is, could you call them directly, and explain the situation, maybe see if you can pay a bill or two directly so that you don't get cut off while you are looking for a place? I definitely wouldn't move in with the guy after only a few weeks - he may just be being sweet, and all may turn out wonderfully...or you could move in, and then any number of things could go horribly wrong, and you would be on your ass with no legal recourse, no eviction period, and no time to look for a new place....it may also just damage a new relationship to get that close that quickly.
On to your main question, about when to tell guys what you do.
Your situation is a little different to mine, in that everyone knows what I do (with one small exception, which I hate, and wish I could change) so I am more used to bringing it up. If you are purposely hiding what you do from the people in your life (for whatever reason) I can understand being reticent to bring it up to someone before you trust them - after all, they are the in a position to out you, should they not turn out to be as wonderful as they first seem. : (
Because you are hiding it from everyone else, I'm honestly not sure what you should do, but I'll give you my logic for my behavior, and maybe that will help you when you are figuring it out for you.
I tell guys straight off for a few reasons:
1) I don't want to get emotionally invested in a guy, and the find out that this is a deal breaker for him. I have had this happen ONCE, and it absolutely broke my heart, and in that case, he even knew what I did from the start! Story goes, we were friends, started sleeping together on a "casual" basis, things started to get more and more serious, and then we sit down one day to talk about the fact that we hadn't intended to, but it looked like we were in a relationship. During that conversation, it comes up that he cares about me very much, and would love a relationship in the short term, but in the long term, our careers are not compatible - he is a politician, and it could destroy him to marry someone in my industry. Because there was no future to it, we ended it. Luckily, we are still close friends, now in our own relationships, and I have recognized that we just aren't a match. But at the time, it tore my heart right out. It was terrible, painful, and I would never want to go through that again. My time, my energy, and my love is precious, and I refuse to spend it on someone without full-disclosure, because I don't want to waste a second with someone that I don't have at least the possibility of a future with.
2) I don't want to start any relationship with lies. The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is still single, and who doesn't have at least a hint of a trust issue. I want to be able to say with a clear heart that I have never told a single lie to the man I am with, and because "what do you do" is standard first-date conversation, you are kinds stuck with lying or telling them right away. Sometimes I will just do - I work online from home, but its really complicated and dull, and I'd rather talk about more interesting things...but even then, I feel like I am misleading someone, and I don't want him to find out later and then feel like he can't trust me.
3) I don't want him to find out on his own!! As tough as it could be to hear that the girl you are dating is a cam-whore, I think it would be infintely worse to find out when you are scanning sites for a little jack-off material, or to introduce her to your friend, and have them bring it up.
4) The longer you leave it, the harder it gets. I'm a fan of the rip-the-bandaid-off method - because if you hide it from them at first, when do you tell them? The longer it goes, the deeper you get into lies, the more invested you are in the relationship (so the fear of losing him is greater), and the harder it is to bring up without starting a big "we need to talk" conversation.
So that's me. I tell people straight off, and it makes my life easier. No hiding, no lying, no fear of being outed, no chance of falling for a guy that will leave me for it (or worse, find out and start treating me like less of a person, or someone to show off or pimp out to friends.), no time wasted on guys that can't handle it. I hope that that helps.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Awe...its not really lying to not tell someone everything about you from the get go. Yeah you dont want to outright lie, and there is that fine line between waiting until youre ready to tell someone something, and waiting so long its as though you kept it from them/living a secret life... but there is nothing wrong with deciding not to tell someone everything and waiting until youre ready to. We all want to trust the person we are with, but along with that, we dont want to make ourselves vulnerable before we know they can be trusted.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
I tell them right from the beginning. In my case, it comes with a little more baggage because I am a Transsexual woman so that's another added layer. As the wise and beautiful Marilyn Monroe once said, 'If you can't take me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best' pretty much sums it all up for me.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
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2) I don't want to start any relationship with lies. The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is still single, and who doesn't have at least a hint of a trust issue. I want to be able to say with a clear heart that I have never told a single lie to the man I am with, and because "what do you do" is standard first-date conversation, you are kinds stuck with lying or telling them right away. Sometimes I will just do - I work online from home, but its really complicated and dull, and I'd rather talk about more interesting things...but even then, I feel like I am misleading someone, and I don't want him to find out later and then feel like he can't trust me.
3) I don't want him to find out on his own!! As tough as it could be to hear that the girl you are dating is a cam-whore, I think it would be infintely worse to find out when you are scanning sites for a little jack-off material, or to introduce her to your friend, and have them bring it up.
4) The longer you leave it, the harder it gets. I'm a fan of the rip-the-bandaid-off method - because if you hide it from them at first, when do you tell them? The longer it goes, the deeper you get into lies, the more invested you are in the relationship (so the fear of losing him is greater), and the harder it is to bring up without starting a big "we need to talk" conversation.
Thanks so much! I'm terrified about possibly telling him tonight, and I met him only a few weeks ago. I can imagine how hard it would have been if I had waited a few months down the line. I don't think I've ever given a thought to how camming might affect my future relationships, but I think that going through this now will teach me important lessons about how to handle this later
Other people have pointed out that older men seem to be less open to this type of job, which worries me because my friend is in his late thirties, never married. It could turn out well or bad for me, but I should have known that I would have to tell him eventually. He's been honest with me and expects the same, and if he's strong enough to accept this, it could be an important building block of trust. If he doesn't accept it, he was never strong enough for me in the first place ;D
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
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Originally Posted by
BlkSharpie
Awe...its not really lying to not tell someone everything about you from the get go. Yeah you dont want to outright lie, and there is that fine line between waiting until youre ready to tell someone something, and waiting so long its as though you kept it from them/living a secret life... but there is nothing wrong with deciding not to tell someone everything and waiting until youre ready to. We all want to trust the person we are with, but along with that, we dont want to make ourselves vulnerable before we know they can be trusted.
I think that "what counts as a lie" is a very grey area. And a lot of the time, you do end up having to tell direct lies - the OP has said that she has told him that she is web designer - unless she is ALSO a web designer then, well, that is a lie, not just "not telling someone everything about you". I'm not saying that she is wrong or right to have told him that - far be it from me to judge on a sensitive subject like this one - just that it is "a lie" albeit a very white one, and one with the best intentions.
I know many people who don't consider a "lie of omission" to count as a lie, or a lie told "with good intentions" to count, or to "save someone's feelings", or a bunch of other stuff - and in this kind of situation, I think what matters is how the guy sees it. Will he FEEL "lied to" when he finds out? Will it hurt the trust that you are building up with him? When it comes to figuring out what is and isn't lying to someone, its not about loopholes or technicalities, it is about whether or not they will consider it lying when they find out the truth. (which is why all those little lies you tell when you are planning a surprise party never erode the trust in a relationship...for example)
I know some guys who wouldn't think twice about a situation like the one described - who would understand completely why she lied about her job at the start, and who wouldn't be bothered by that at all. I know other guys who would struggle a little with it, and question her about other things she has told him. And I know some guys who would turn around and walk out the door because of it. She is the only one who can make a guess as to which type of guy he is.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Don't worry, whatever happens it's for the best, cliche or not.
As far as him being older, I mentioned earlier that I "came out" about camming early on in the relationship. I was 19 at the time and he was 31 and was FRESH, like three months fresh, out of a marriage (yikes!). I wouldn't have dated him knowing that but he told me it had been like 6 months, lol. Despite the 11 year age difference we turned out to have fit each other quite well and have been going strong for almost three years and have a family. His 7 year old and my toddler consider each other siblings plus we had another addition last june! I guess we moved pretty quickly but I don't regret that a bit. But point is,what was supposed to be a fling has turned into quite a nice family, don't let age deter you!
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Originally Posted by
moonjade6
If he doesn't accept it, he was never strong enough for me in the first place ;D
And this ^ !! You said it yourself. If it doesn't work out there there is a whole world of other men out there :) Let us know how it goes!! I wish you the best!
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
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Originally Posted by
ManyRoses
I think that "what counts as a lie" is a very grey area. And a lot of the time, you do end up having to tell direct lies - the OP has said that she has told him that she is web designer - unless she is ALSO a web designer then, well, that is a lie, not just "not telling someone everything about you". I'm not saying that she is wrong or right to have told him that - far be it from me to judge on a sensitive subject like this one - just that it is "a lie" albeit a very white one, and one with the best intentions.
I know many people who don't consider a "lie of omission" to count as a lie, or a lie told "with good intentions" to count, or to "save someone's feelings", or a bunch of other stuff - and in this kind of situation, I think what matters is how the guy sees it. Will he FEEL "lied to" when he finds out? Will it hurt the trust that you are building up with him? When it comes to figuring out what is and isn't lying to someone, its not about loopholes or technicalities, it is about whether or not they will consider it lying when they find out the truth. (which is why all those little lies you tell when you are planning a surprise party never erode the trust in a relationship...for example)
I know some guys who wouldn't think twice about a situation like the one described - who would understand completely why she lied about her job at the start, and who wouldn't be bothered by that at all. I know other guys who would struggle a little with it, and question her about other things she has told him. And I know some guys who would turn around and walk out the door because of it. She is the only one who can make a guess as to which type of guy he is.
Well...it totally depends on ones comfort level and what they are willing to share. I used the word vulnerable because that is how I feel, I dont straightaway trust a guy with everything there is to know about me, it takes building up a level of trust for me to do that, not because Im purposely trying to lie through ommission though. But yeah, I have been on dates where the guy has believed in full disclosure and told me all about his horrible childhood, the messy details of his divorce, some sort of jail time etc etc within the first couple of dates. While yeah there are things I would want to get to know about someone, I dont necessarily want to know it all up front and right away. Also, the more emotionally involved you are with someone, the more likely you are to be able to accept things about them than someone who is still practically a stranger.
I do agree though not to outright lie...but I dont think its out of line to say youd prefer not to answer certain questions. Ive been asked what happened to end my relationship, and yeah I *could* say that every guy Ive ever been with cheated on me, but Id rather not...my canned answer is that we had different goals. When I say Im divorced and a guy asks if kiddos dad still keeps contact with her, I dont delve into how I was already preganant when we met and hes not her dad, and oh by the way the guy who is her dad isnt a part of her life either. I mean...like thats stuff that eventually comes out (and quite frankly, that last one made my ex way more curious and concerned than me doing cam) but not within the first couple weeks of knowing someone. I dont think that makes me a liar, Id just rather know who Im telling my life story to before I tell it.
ETA: I also have had guys not want to tell me right away what they did, or were super vague (Im in research, Im in music, Im in sales) and then as we got to know each other, they were more detailed about what it was they really did. Not all reasons are out of shame or trying to be decieptful, like I said, my ex didnt tell me what he really did for almost 2 months, cause he wanted to know if I actually was interested in him, and not just in him for what he did for a living. And that does happen a lot.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Definitely be careful about moving in with this guy. I mean, I'm sure he's a great guy, but you know yourself that it is too soon.
If you can't find a good apt right away and you need to stay with him for a week or two, that's probably cool, if you have a place after. Make sure you have a place! Keep looking for a place!
As for when to tell someone you're dating, hmm I'm trying to think about the timeline for when I started camming. I started dating my bf in May, I started camming in September. I didn't tell him until January. (He's cool with it ... :p)
I'd say a couple months but it really depends on the relationship. During that time in the relationship, I couldn't fully open up to him. It really sucked. But then when I told him, it really helped our relationship because then I wasn't hiding anything :).
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
I am confused by these comments of NOT lying to them, Oh you are hiding something from them.. keeping things a secret.
Almost every single man I have EVER met (and I have been dating for 12 straight years with virtually NOshort term relationships (only 2) and 0 long term relationships. Has lied, deceived or cheated.. WTF?? Men NEVER EVER reveal all of themselves.. even if you think they are?? they are NOT.. they are always keeping skeletons in their closet.. that is how they play you and they do NOT get played.. it's the sad sad truth but this is the reality.. There is NO reason at all for you not to hide things from them other than a MAN's double standard that you are doing that..that's their game.. they don't like it when you play THEIR game on them.. Not that this is a game?? but why give someone total honesty and open ness when they are not doing that for you!
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BlkSharpie
Well...it totally depends on ones comfort level and what they are willing to share. I used the word vulnerable because that is how I feel, I dont straightaway trust a guy with everything there is to know about me, it takes building up a level of trust for me to do that, not because Im purposely trying to lie through ommission though. But yeah, I have been on dates where the guy has believed in full disclosure and told me all about his horrible childhood, the messy details of his divorce, some sort of jail time etc etc within the first couple of dates. While yeah there are things I would want to get to know about someone, I dont necessarily want to know it all up front and right away. Also, the more emotionally involved you are with someone, the more likely you are to be able to accept things about them than someone who is still practically a stranger.
I do agree though not to outright lie...but I dont think its out of line to say youd prefer not to answer certain questions. Ive been asked what happened to end my relationship, and yeah I *could* say that every guy Ive ever been with cheated on me, but Id rather not...my canned answer is that we had different goals. When I say Im divorced and a guy asks if kiddos dad still keeps contact with her, I dont delve into how I was already preganant when we met and hes not her dad, and oh by the way the guy who is her dad isnt a part of her life either. I mean...like thats stuff that eventually comes out (and quite frankly, that last one made my ex way more curious and concerned than me doing cam) but not within the first couple weeks of knowing someone. I dont think that makes me a liar, Id just rather know who Im telling my life story to before I tell it.
ETA: I also have had guys not want to tell me right away what they did, or were super vague (Im in research, Im in music, Im in sales) and then as we got to know each other, they were more detailed about what it was they really did. Not all reasons are out of shame or trying to be decieptful, like I said, my ex didnt tell me what he really did for almost 2 months, cause he wanted to know if I actually was interested in him, and not just in him for what he did for a living. And that does happen a lot.
this is spot on!!! i mean, it would scare any guy away to throw EVERYTHING on him right off the bat! it would scare me off if a dude layed all his gory details of his life right on the table to me if we had first started dating. you have to wait til there is a certain amount of emotional investment in the relationship. it isn't a lie by not telling him exactly what you do right away. you can be vague w/o flat out lying. any good guy would understand the situation later on down the road when you feel comfortable enough to fully open up to him about it. you can even bait him before hand to see what he thinks about dating a woman in the adult industry. i would get a feel first. you certainly DO NOT have to disclose your full life story to man just cuz u just got involved with him. woman like us have to be extra careful when we are single. i certainly don't think that it would be wise to tell him everything right away.
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BlkSharpie
Well...it totally depends on ones comfort level and what they are willing to share. I used the word vulnerable because that is how I feel, I dont straightaway trust a guy with everything there is to know about me, it takes building up a level of trust for me to do that, not because Im purposely trying to lie through ommission though. But yeah, I have been on dates where the guy has believed in full disclosure and told me all about his horrible childhood, the messy details of his divorce, some sort of jail time etc etc within the first couple of dates. While yeah there are things I would want to get to know about someone, I dont necessarily want to know it all up front and right away. Also, the more emotionally involved you are with someone, the more likely you are to be able to accept things about them than someone who is still practically a stranger.
I do agree though not to outright lie...but I dont think its out of line to say youd prefer not to answer certain questions. Ive been asked what happened to end my relationship, and yeah I *could* say that every guy Ive ever been with cheated on me, but Id rather not...my canned answer is that we had different goals. When I say Im divorced and a guy asks if kiddos dad still keeps contact with her, I dont delve into how I was already preganant when we met and hes not her dad, and oh by the way the guy who is her dad isnt a part of her life either. I mean...like thats stuff that eventually comes out (and quite frankly, that last one made my ex way more curious and concerned than me doing cam) but not within the first couple weeks of knowing someone. I dont think that makes me a liar, Id just rather know who Im telling my life story to before I tell it.
ETA: I also have had guys not want to tell me right away what they did, or were super vague (Im in research, Im in music, Im in sales) and then as we got to know each other, they were more detailed about what it was they really did. Not all reasons are out of shame or trying to be decieptful, like I said, my ex didnt tell me what he really did for almost 2 months, cause he wanted to know if I actually was interested in him, and not just in him for what he did for a living. And that does happen a lot.
I agree completely - and I think that there is a huge difference between spilling your guts about any and everything on the first date (or dates!) and giving a deceptive answer to an outright question. If anyone ever asked me on a first date about something that I was uncomfortable or unwilling to talk about, I would simply tell them that I don't think that it is an appropriate topic of conversation. I doubt that anyone would ever ask me if, say, I had ever been in an abusive relationship (which I have), but if they did, I wouldn't go into the gory details, but rather say (as lightly as possible) that I don't think that is an appropriate question for right then and there. However, I would not say "no" and then bring it up weeks or months later and say that in fact, I have.
There are always things that we do not immediately reveal about ourselves, and that doesn't make us all liars - the "work" is a difficult one because we are usually asked about it directly. You are absolutely correct when you say that it depends on comfort level - for me, I don't feel the need to avoid or redirect when the question of work comes up, because I tell everyone. But for someone who isn't as open about what they do, it would be important to avoid answering the question until they feel that they can trust the other person.
There are definitely ways to do that, if you feel it is necessary - like you say, you have met guys who wanted to be vague, and you respected that. In fact, it may be a good test of character! If you meet someone, and want to say that you are self-employed, or work online, but would rather not discuss the details, I think that it would take a person who was very confident and stable in themselves to accept that, and not to become paranoid or nosy about it, immediately assuming the worst. If someone can think highly enough of you to accept your comfort levels about disclosure, and trust that their inital judgement of you as a decent human being was correct enough to assume that whatever you do, it cant be that bad - well, that person would seem like a pretty good choice in a partner to me!!
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Re: How far into a relationship do you tell someone you're camming?
From day 1. If they don't like it they can go fuck themselves.