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Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
deleted, thanks for the advice all!
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
Based on what you've told me about your parents, there is nothing you could say to make your parents support - let alone accept - you dancing. That said, I have a hard time believing your father would actually burn down strip clubs.
The way I see it, is you can either continue living a lie (and I'd recommend quitting your straight jobs as they seem to be sucking up a lot of your time) or just tell your parents what you're going to do and deal with the repercussions of them probably yelling at you over the phone and being super pissed for a long while.
I'm so sorry that you're stuck in such a shitty situation, girl, with no real win of a solution. Sometimes you just have to say fuck it to your family and do what is best for you. :hug:
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
Quote:
Originally Posted by
shanna dior
Sometimes you just have to say fuck it to your family and do what is best for you.
This. I agree with shanna that there is nothing you can do to make your father happy about you dancing and there never will be. However, I also agree that, with a sick wife and another kid in college, I doubt he's going to do anything drastic.
However, if you do go back to dancing be prepared to fully swing your own tab as I suspect that he'll pull any remaining financial support from you. But if you can fully pay for school and support yourself by dancing, then it may be time for you to spread your own wings and fly on.
Good luck!
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
I'm wondering, if they live so far away, how did they even find out you were a stripper the first time and why do they need to know again? I understand lying sucks and is stressful - and would be even more so in your case since they would already suspect - but isn't this more stressful than lying? My family is about as far away as yours (if my math is correct) and it's never been a real issue hiding stripping from them and explaining away my finances. I opened my own local bank account so they can't actually look into my money matters, and I lie about how many vanilla jobs I have and how many hours a week I work. In terms of tuition bills, you could pretend to take out loans or pretend you are taking less classes (= spending less $) than you really are. If you are of age to be away from home in college, there's no reason your parents need to be privy to your financial matters or paystubs. It's very possible that your dad will become suspicious if you don't allow him to help you pay for anything or refuse to offer up proof of your finances, but I would rather lie and have an argument about how I'm doing that because I'd rather struggle a bit and not take money from them anymore if it's going to cause such tension than the argument with a "loco bat-shit bible-thumper" about how I want to strip. You say you want to lay it down logically, but do you honestly think that would do any good with someone who is so morally opposed to the idea? You know your dad better than me, but I highly doubt it when it comes to people like that.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
I've been in your situation. I have played the game of 'pretending to work innocent jobs, while really working my hussy job on the down-low'. It led to pain and heartache for all involved ANYWAY, and I spent a lot of time lying, leading a double-life, getting into sketchy situations, and not making as much cash as I could have, because it's a lot of work trying to be the 'good daughter' when you'd really rather be doing what's best for YOU.
At the end of this episode, I came out with the following realization: I should have just done my own thing ANYWAY. I certainly did not need to come out and say "hi mom and dad, I am doing x, y and z", but I definitely should have told them "I need to move out and be on my own, don't worry, my financial situation will be fine, and I do not need your help."
Sure, there would have been fallout. (My parents are like yours in that they won't take "I work in a restaurant" as a final answer... they will want to know WHICH restaurant, what hours I work, and which bus I take to get there.) But guess what? Even with all the games I played and energy I expended trying to keep up appearances to please them, there was fallout ANYWAY. So at the end of it all I was really mad at myself that I had damaged my relationship with mom and dad anyhow, and did not have as much $ to show for it as I could have.
Lesson learned.
And wow... your parents sound like a pretty 'special' case of nosy. I feel for you. But you know what? You're an adult. You DESERVE your privacy. The pathology is THEIRS, not YOURS. If they look in your stuff and everntually find something they don't like, that is THEIR PROBLEM.
Look, girlie... Your parents are your parents, and you WILL have to fight this battle eventually. If it's not this, then it will be the next thing, like... who you date, what contraception you use, what you spend your money on, etc. You will have to duke it out with them over your privacy/boundaries/independence eventually, this will not magically resolve itself. You might as well deal with it and stand up to them NOW, and save yourself more years of this bullshit.
I wish I could say that to my younger self, but that ship has sailed. I wish I had done things a bit differently.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
To summarize, in my opinion (as someone who has been in your situation), if you continue trying to 'please' them and 'work harder', you will end up in the following situation:
-You will be struggling financially (duh)
-your grades will suffer, because you're trying to put in so many hours at your bullshit vanilla jobs
-you will resent your parents.
-your parents will STILL think you are a hussy, because you have 'proven yourself as such'. Don't think that if you keep your nose clean now, that you will be able to redeem yourself fully in their eyes. Unless you join a nunnery and win the Nobel Peace Prize TOMORROW, you will still be the 'bad slut daughter, who keeps her ailing mother working for minimum wage'.
Which part of the battle will you have won then, exactly? Oh wait... none? Yeah. Hello, years of resentment and regret!
Given the above, you might as well sit down with yourself and take a different perspective. Your parents will think what they think ANYWAY, and that ship's already sailed, so you cant really change whatever opinion they have of you and your choices anyhow.
If I were in your shoes, I would proudly march back into the strip club, do what you need to do IN A RESPONSIBLE MANNER, and adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy with your parents. This way, you will be REALLY FUCKING MOTIVATED to maximize your earnings at the club, and you will be really motivated to make good grades, as well. And you won't resent yourself later, because you'll know you did what was right for YOU. Three out of four wins is not bad.
Fast forward to the end of uni: you'll have your degree, your financial independence, and life skills. And if your parents still aren't proud of you THEN, for getting your shit done on your own terms? Well then there was no changing their minds anyway.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
The only thing that would make your dad happy would be if you retroactively regained your virginity and became a nun, since that's not an option you might as well do what's best for you.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
Odette,
Your father will probably never be ok with you working as a strip club, regardless of his religious convictions or your financial situation. Manage your expectations of your parents. They are only human beings. Remember that when they are making mistakes. One day your children will be casting their judgments on you.
They are willing to contribute money to your education, that is because they love you.
If you think it is best to turn down their money, then do that, but measure your words very carefully, you can't take them back. I know you listed a lot of things you don't like about your parents, but from what I gathered, you have 2 parents who love you and want what's best for you.
You are stressed bc of finances. That is part of life.
In all reality, you will not be able to work at a strip club and lay it out for your parents in a way that makes it palatable for them. It's not going to happen.
You have options. You can limit your trips to just you visiting them, if it helps.
Also, you need to set boundaries with you parents. Personally, I don't leave stripper stuff lying around in my personal stuff, just to be safe, but it's time to let your parents know not to go through your things, and not give an explanation.
I know you came here to vent but think this through. The vast majority of the girls at the club don't even have the option of getting any money from their parents.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
That's the thing. My parents SHOULD NOT be giving me as much money as they have been since they found out I am dancing. They are putting themselves in debt...a lot, and it makes me uncomfortable that they are doing things like that to give me money, like my mom working way more than she should. They are not financially capable of what they are trying to do and I knew that a long time ago, which is why I started dancing in the first place. Now I just feel so stuck because I want to help but I don't want to do more damage either. They got really upset when they found out I was living a double life, and my dad still throws it back in my face to this day along with other unpleasant names sometimes...I made them both cry and at the time I had felt like I destroyed my family and I NEVER want to go through that again.
But I guess on some level I know you guys are right, that I will never be able to please them with all of the parameters they put on me...I have always been afraid of that, so I guess it's hard to take, and the price I'll have to pay to be happy myself.
Thank you, jessica, in particular. Those posts are exactly how my situation is...trying to balance good appearances with dancing. Thank you for the perspective.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
I have done what my parents wanted and switched to living my own life and you know it was exactly the same. But then again my parents are crappy parents to me. I would stop excepting there money though if your financially OK then that money can go to your mom.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
I understand you PERFECTLY! I actually enjoy dancing, but due to the guilt and fear of them finding out I stopped working after maybe 5 nights. I am also in school and I am putting my parents further into debt with each semester :( so I want to dance for my financial independence
I have the kind of parents who are super uptight ans concerned about appearance. For example, I LOVE to wear high heels, like maybe 5 or 6 inches high. And my mom will make comments like "you look like a prostitute in those shoes!" Or if I wear a pair of short shorts (that arent even THAT short btw!) my mom will make comments EVERY time I wear them like "you look like a whore in those shorts." So apparently in my parents eyes a t-shirt, short shorts, and flip flops make me look like a whore -_-
That being said, if they ever found out I was dancing that outcome would be ugly. That's a huge issue because I am home for the summer from school and Im scared to go dance for the fear that they will somehow find out what I was doing :/ Is that irrational?
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
And yes Odette, our parents brainwash us into their way of thinking. They raised us from birth and drilled their beliefs in our heads. I think we are on the same page! Close to your age too, Im 20! :) After while, Im assuming that guilt will fade away.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
Stop accepting their money. Go strip. Get some sleep. Catch up on school work. Tell them you got another job and when they ask what it is tell them they would prefer not to know. Or tell them you got a rich boyfriend who's helping you out.
Stop accepting their phone calls for awhile. I know you want to keep the family connection but this sounds pretty ridiculous.
Either that or start being a cam girl/PSO and find someone to lie for you about where you work.
I would probably blow them off on principle, but then again, you have a year left of school. Do you want to keep stripping when you get out of college?
Can you do a pell grant or fafsa loan?
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
I don't know how you do it. All that drama!
Stop accepting money, quit the vanilla jobs, and go back to stripping. You'll sleep better, you'll feel like an adult, and finances won't be so tough and ruin your grades.
I think the guilt trips from the dad would be the worst part out of anything you said. I can't stand feeling guilty.
They already found out you stripped before. You're already a whore in their eyes. Does it really matter if you go back? Doesn't matter either way it seems because your dad is going to bitch no matter what you do. Might as well pick what feels right to YOU.
And next time they want all that damn information then tell them to stop being so damn nosey. Asking where your boyfriend works/lives/went to school/etc?! Unless I'm engaged, my parents don't meet or know anything about a boyfriend. You're not 16 anymore. They have a priviledge to know this information but not the right. You share what you feel comfortable sharing.
Now there is always the lying route that I know a lot of girls take.
They want to see your work? Lie about a workplace they can't go to like a factory or whatever that doesn't have customers or won't allow people who don't work there to come in. My parents think I work at a restaurant but if they ever visit I always use the excuse that I'm sick of the food and don't want to eat there. I'm not as close to my family as you probably because I don't feel obligated to share everything about my life. They know I go to school, work, and pay my bills. That's all they really need to know because I'm an adult with a life.
I'm actually kind of surprised my family doesn't know. I don't exactly try that hard to hide the truth. If they find out, then whatever. I guess I will see how unconditional their love really is for me.
Over a year ago I cut off all communication with my mother for a few months because her alcoholic ass decided to blow up my phone with bitchy, nasty messages. I was just so tired of her alcoholic, bitchy self that I couldn't take it. It was affecting my grades, work, and just life! When I finally talked to her it was much better. She realized how her actions push away the ones she loves. Currently, your family is pushing you away.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mediocrity
I know how you feel. My mother was EXTREMELY abusive, and even after the physical abuse died off I let her emotionally manipulate me for years. I figured "Oh she's my mom" blah blah blah. One day I snapped and realized not only did I not love her, she obviously did not love me if she was acting like that. She actually told me since I was a kid she hated me, and then would turn around and be sweet as pie. She made me feel crazy, like maybe I was the one always over reacting, maybe I was a terrible daughter or a bad person. So I cut that fucking bitch out of my life. I confronted her about the abuse, got a restraining order, took all rights to me away from her (like if I'm in an accident, only my husband can make decisions for me legally), got a new phone number and ditched her stupid ass. I have never, ever felt so liberated. I don't miss her a single bit. To say that I hate her is an understatement.
I realize this is not right for everyone. But never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions. Do what's right for YOU and don't fall into the guilt. You can't choose your family... so sometimes you have to weed some of them out. Just because you share DNA with someone does NOT mean you are obligated to them.
Think about it this way: How would you feel if your husband treated YOUR daughter that way?
If any husband of mine ever treated one of my kids like this he'd be out the door faster than an uggo pizza delivery dude. An abusive husband/father for my kids is one thing that I will never stand for, and probably part of the reason I'm quite career-driven. I never want to have to be "scared" to leave my husband (if he turned out to be an asshole, I'm hoping I have better intuition than that though) because of financial reasons like my mother was when I was growing up.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that with your mom :( she sounds similar but more extreme than mine, so I can kind of understand. Mine does that thing where she blames me for overreacting all the time, like when I told her I was having panic attacks that were triggered by emotional flashbacks earlier this year the first thing she said was "you think you were abused as a child?" Whenever I form these opinions and thoughts that they are the crazy ones and I am a healthy person they always get twisted and turned around and I end up feeling bad for blaming them for my issues when...logically...I am a completely chill person around my friends and most people, but a ball of nerves and stress and on edge ready to pop around them. Simply asking why that is points to the fact it must have something to do with them...I have actually considered cutting them out, but I think deep down I would be really devastated. I remember a time when we were all happy years and years ago. And both parents do show empathy and remorse when I get really upset about things they do/say. They think if they say sorry though that makes it all ok and as long as they always appologize afterwards it makes it ok for them to continue to cycle through the pattern, which leaves me banging my head against the wall, just wanting them to stop already and realise how detrimental their behaviour is.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
I was kinda lucky. My mom and aunt both danced. So while they knew the problems that we run into while dancing. They also understood that it's the best option sometimes to get on your feet. I really don't think much will change but hope in the end you can look back and things be different.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
I agree with points 1 through 4... Not sure how I feel about the remaining ones.
If it were me, I might just cut off the economic support.
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
Adding this: remember that the stripping is a means to an end for you. Don't fuck up your grades, and don't fuck up this sweet deal of a vanilla job you have.
(Saying this in the most loving way possible, from a chick who's been there, done that.)
:-)
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Re: Dealing with family members who are extremely morally opposed to stripping
If I were in a more sound mentally healthy state of mine cutting them off directly with a "fuck you" attitude (how THEY will percieve it) might be a more acceptable option but I am afraid of what they will say/do if I did this. My dad before has threatened to tell all of my extended family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) about my job choice in the past. Because of all the oppourtunities coming up, I can't afford any auxillary drama. At the same time I'm seeing after all you girls' input (and thank you all so much for helping me make sense of this shitty situation) that I do need to reclaim my independence. Trying to get it back with as few injuries as possible lol.