Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
This past week I lost my grandmother. We had a great relationship and I look up to her so much. I've been pretty broken up about it however each day does seem to be getting easier. Now here's my issue and some of you might find this silly but I can't get over the guilt I`ve been feeling about going back to work since. You know how people always say `oh they are always with you, or watching over you`, all I can think of is how if she is watching over me, I`m really letting her down. I`ve been dancing for 6 years and I love my job. But now I`m so paranoid about heading back to work and feeling guilty for even being in there that I`m not going to make money. I`ve been off for two weeks and summer is really the best time for me to make money, so taking more time off is not really an option. The worst part is, I work in a pretty high contact club so I think I feel that extra bit of guilt.
I debated even posting this and wanted to deal with it internally but figured there had to be other SWers who went through this after a death.....
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
I know next to nothing about the afterlife..... But I bet judgements are not part of it.
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
Thank you, that makes me feel a lot better. I know it might seem silly to some, it must be that super strict Catholic upbringing guilting me.
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
I recently lost someone close to me and I felt the same way you do, and I took way too much time off, but lately I have managed to get myself to work. I just have to keep reminding myself that they wouldn't want me to be broke and unhappy (whether they approved of my job or not). They'd want me to be able to pay my rent and support myself, especially since Im already going through a hard time with the death. Stay strong!
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
My grandma passed away over two years ago, and I started in camming/amateur porn about a year and a half ago. Sometimes I do think, what if she's judging me, I mean I'm sure she wouldn't approve of me doing porn! And also like having sex with my boyfriend, she may not approve of it.
But I don't think she's really judging me. And I also try and make her proud for other things that I do. Like, I'm sure she'd be proud of me at my vanilla job. I'm sure she'd still love my boyfriend because he's a really good guy. Things like that.
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
Put yourself in her place. Would you be angry with a loved one for doing the best possible thing in a job they love to pay their bills and provide for themselves? Probably not.
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
I feel that if there is life after death, we probably lose all judgements that we held as humans, and all is just pure understanding and awareness, beyond what we comprehend when we are alive. Just my theory ;) Long story short, I wouldn't worry about being looked upon in a negative light. Good luck!
~A
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
Thanks everyone for your responses, I really needed that pep talk to get my mind back in the game.
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
Oh hun it must be so hard to have lost a great woman in your life. I am sure she would not be ashamed of you doing what you need to do to ensure a happy healthy life.
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
Firstly Im so sorry for your loss. Losing grandparents sucks especially if they were a big part of your live. Ive thought about this one and let me tell you in my life I do a hell of a lot worse things than dancing that my grandparents and other dead relatives would not approve of. But I just think about the fact that at the end of the day Im the same person they helped raise. I do a lot of things they'd be proud of too. And if they are watching I think overall they would be proud of me even if they didn't like some of my choices. I think they would understand that I live my life in the best way I know how.
Re: Feeling major guilt going back to work after losing my Grandma
Don't feel guilty. It's not like you're out partying. You're doing what you gotta do to pay your bills.
My deceased grandparents were super catholic too. I remember feeling that guilt the first time I ever stripped. They were on my mind the whole entire time.
That same night, I got into a really bad car accident after work. I wasn't drunk(I would never drive drunk). Just was really sleepy bc I didn't get enough sleep the night before. If you saw my car you'd think the person in it would've been dead. Shit, I really thought I was gonna die. Part of me thinks my grandparents were watching over me that night to protect me. :)
After that incident, I got over the guilt. I didn't think I was gonna get over it.
Just give yourself enough time off before going back to work. If you can't take any more time off, have a moment of quiet time before & after work. Hope things will get better for you. Sorry to hear about your loss.