A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
This is a long story but I'm hoping someone will relate and find it helpful. I’m kind of a crazy person when it comes to dating. I obsess about interactions with men, Facebook stalking and checking my phone every five minutes, I get super critical of myself and I assume that if one man doesn't like me, no man ever will. I see myself doing these things and I see that it is not making me happy in the slightest.
I recently met a guy and he seemed wonderful, we went on about 7 or 8 dates over the course of a month and we slept together several times. I noticed things about him that I didn’t like but I ignored them and focused on if he was enjoying my company. I slipped into my old crazy patterns, stalking his Facebook, obsessing over when he would call me, when he would ask me out again. Then a few days ago he texted me and said that while I was beautiful and fun he was not looking for a sexual relationship and that he was hoping to make sex a smaller part of himself and do some work on himself spiritually but that he would like to remain friends with me.
My immediate reaction was to just freak out, to make a list of the 20 million reasons he didn’t want to be with me and then blow up his phone with texts, before bumping into him at a bar and trying to seduce him, luckily, I realized I was being bat shit crazy. There are 20 million reasons he sent me that text, it could be me, it could be him, he could really mean what he said to me, but it doesn’t matter, because all I can do is take it at face value and move on.
After realizing that I needed to be more rational I immediately deleted his number from my phone and wrote a letter to myself outlining all of the reasons he was not right for me (he had no chest hair, he did not drink coffee, we had different senses of humor). I called my sister, I bitched to her and we set about distracting me with booze and TV.
Today, I feel great, I avoided the trap of being crazy and I have managed to maintain my dignity. Hopefully next time I am dating someone I can avoid crazy dating from the beginning and remind myself to stay focused on myself and not obsess over a random guy!
I wanted to share this with the guys and girls on this board and I hope that it can be of some help to someone!
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Not that you would necessarily desire reading these books, but I found myself getting a bit crazy over relationships and a very intelligent lady I was working with at the time suggested them. Though alot of the material covered might seem a bit common knowledge, it is really helpful to have another perspective. We females are emotionally driven creatures, and can sometimes be a bit irrational. I think this is normal.
If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, or your'd like to regain the upper hand in the dating game, it
http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Men-Love-Bi.../dp/1580627560
I found myself laughing out loud a couple of times reading this one, Steve Harvey is hillarious:
http://www.amazon.ca/Act-Like-Lady-T...7259090&sr=1-1
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
What's wrong with having no chest hair? :(
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Nothing! I know tons of women who abhor chest hair but I personally like my dudes hairy.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
I over-analyze things like that, too. I think its just a personality characteristic. The more I try to repress it though, the more it leaps out uncontrollably at later date. So I tend to just let my brain run its annoying fixation course.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Kat do you think he pulled a way because he felt you starting to stalk? I've used that same exact excuse to stop sleeping with a woman but we hooked up over a longer period of time & it was purely physical.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Kat I have been that crazy dater and it has only made my less worse. When I got together with my last I cyber stalked him all the time and it became an unhealthy obsession. I see this pattern starting to rear its ugly head again when I met this guy I really like though he isn't online. Lately I have backed off about this and am happier.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Quote:
Originally Posted by
unbeleavable
Kat do you think he pulled a way because he felt you starting to stalk? I've used that same exact excuse to stop sleeping with a woman but we hooked up over a longer period of time & it was purely physical.
Yep, it's possible that he sensed I was too into it, dudes can be perceptive.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
^ I hate the games of dating & probably why I haven't in a while.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Actually it seems like the relationship existed mostly in your head and he viewed it as more of a casual mainly sexual thing.
And that list is a tiny bit crazy itself :p
But a huge positive is that youre aware of your problem, which doesnt happen very often.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Kat w
Yep, it's possible that he sensed I was too into it, dudes can be perceptive.
What you're experiencing is an attack of Low Self Esteem. Anytime you go after happiness in a relationship all these old tapes of judgments (either self judgment or other people's judgments of you) play in your head. You can sit down and write all of your fears out and disprove each one. The fears that are based on something real you can work on changing. But, you've decided you aren't good enough for those guys and that's what's making you super anxious. You're waiting for him to figure out you really aren't good enough. That's gotta stop. You might even think you have to be on his ass to make sure he doesn't stray or maintains interest in you. But with a sincere guy, you really don't. You have to get to know that subconscious system of doubt running you into a tizzy. Work through all of it and you will become calmer and feel worthy with men. Now this will probably take some months of work. I'm not saying it will be just a day or two. But it will change you for the better.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Plopplop
Actually it seems like the relationship existed mostly in your head and he viewed it as more of a casual mainly sexual thing.
And that list is a tiny bit crazy itself :p
But a huge positive is that youre aware of your problem, which doesnt happen very often.
EXACTLY! You want to step back emotionally so you can really think on what you are and aren't getting from a guy emotionally. If love is not on the menu, that's OK. He's not wrong and you're not wrong. You just know you have to keep it moving to get a guy that wants to love you, not just shtupp you.
Re: A Crazy Dater Gets a Little Less Crazy
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Optimist
What you're experiencing is an attack of Low Self Esteem. Anytime you go after happiness in a relationship all these old tapes of judgments (either self judgment or other people's judgments of you) play in your head. You can sit down and write all of your fears out and disprove each one. The fears that are based on something real you can work on changing. But, you've decided you aren't good enough for those guys and that's what's making you super anxious. You're waiting for him to figure out you really aren't good enough. That's gotta stop. You might even think you have to be on his ass to make sure he doesn't stray or maintains interest in you. But with a sincere guy, you really don't. You have to get to know that subconscious system of doubt running you into a tizzy. Work through all of it and you will become calmer and feel worthy with men. Now this will probably take some months of work. I'm not saying it will be just a day or two. But it will change you for the better.
Preach! I want to work all of this out, but it's gonna take some time.