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some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
I outed myself to one of my best friends last night because I was tired of keeping it from her. I delayed because the last female friend I "came out" to stopped talking to me completely. It went super well, so here are some tips for those of you who may be in a similar situation.
1. Take them out to dinner, and pay.
We went to a place we both really like and had an awesome dinner with dessert and everything. I made sure to keep the conversation light and cheerful. We laughed and had an awesome time, and it wasn't until the car ride home that I brought anything up.
2. Be blunt.
Don't try and sugar-coat what you do. If you're a fetish cam girl, say that. Don't t use "adult model" unless you really are a model, because that kind of language can be misleading to someone, like my friend, with zero knowledge of this stuff. I told her I was a cam girl and that I also shoot my own porn clips, both fetish and non-fetish.
3. Reenforce the fact that it's your choice.
For some reason a lot of people have this misconception that ALL women in this industry are here out of desperation or against our will, and that simply isn't true. Make sure you make it clear to your friend that you have no pimp or "boss", and that you're a grown ass woman making her own choices!..in nicer language, of course.
4. Let them ask questions.
Naturally people are going to be a little curious at first, and it's your job as a good friend to be open and answer as best you can.
Remember, not everyone is going to be open, but the way i see it if they can't accept you for something like this, then they were never really your friend anyway.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
:hug: oh my goodness,I give you ALL the thanks! What a genius idea for a thread,I really hope other ladies that are open about what they do or have "come clean" in the past,post in here and add their own experiences and how they handled it! Inquiring minds would like to know!
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
I haven't come out to any of my family, but when I'm open about it with non-family friends, I'm just matter of fact about it, tell them it's good money, when they ask what I do on cam I tell them I do whatever I want, anything under the sun from ignoring someone per their request, to picking my nose, to making fun of them, to typical solo porn type material.
When I first started camming I hardly told anyone. It was much more of a shocker. When I first told my closest friends, I knew they would be cool about it because it wasn't that much of a stretch considering my personality.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
This only applies if you are in the same situation as me, but I always find that it somehow makes it easier to tell people that I was a stripper first. I tend to use the words "I used to strip, but now I work online - it's a lot safer/nicer/whatever positive thing springs to mind." Do you know what camming is? If not, I tell them that it is live, interactive user-directed porn, or sometimes that it's like phone sex over skype.
I feel like stripping has become incredibly mainstream and waaay more accepted than porn - I have no idea why, but that is a personal observation. For some reason lots of people have accepted it more easily than if I just say "I do porn".
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Jaana
3. Reenforce the fact that it's your choice.
For some reason a lot of people have this misconception that ALL women in this industry are here out of desperation or against our will, and that simply isn't true. Make sure you make it clear to your friend that you have no pimp or "boss", and that you're a grown ass woman making her own choices!..in nicer language, of course.
In my opinion this is the most important one! If people think that you are doing this out of desperation, that you are being used by someone else, anything like that then they will constantly convince you that what you are doing is wrong and that you have to stop. I am still struggling with how to convince people (especially my parents lol) that this is my choice and I am doing it because I want to. Ugh.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
Now that Diana Ross is gonna be stuck in my head. :P
http://youtu.be/F-mjl63e0ms
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
i recently came out to my immediate family after 10 years of being in the sex industry.i just got tired of lying. i don't see myself getting out of this business anytime soon and got tired of the questions of how i can support myself - live overseas - yadda yadda . i won't lie it wasn't easy but i did much like Janna said to- show them a good time - be blunt - reinforce you are your own boss and not some victimized stereotype - and above all be honest and answer the questions , because trust me if they care there will be many. in my experience these questions were easier to answer when i was just being honest as opposed to trying to make excuses to why i sleep all day. they actually took it very well. i think they had always kind of known and in the end are very supportive. I'm not saying this will work for everyone - just my experience with coming out to my parents.
also in my experience i had told a few others and they completely left me in the dust. it hurts. it sucks. i think damn why cant they understand? but then i realized they can never truly understand and if you cant understand how can you care truly? if they really care for you they will understand. the first i had come out to was my husband long before he was my husband, lovely man , took it for what it really is A JOB and we've been married 7 years now. I love my job and anyone that matters will understand that. i bring home the rice.
and for those girls who feel they cant out to anyone in your life. you have here. you may think not much as we are just words on a screen blasted off through cyberspace. but we care. i care. just know someone out there cares and definitely someone understands.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
I am trying to out myself to my parents so they can QUIT COMING TO MY HOUSE unannounced. haha. Also, I don't want them suspect I was selling drugs or something. They are very open minded but I still can't just tell them yet. I think in time, I will. I will try to out myself in most humorous way which is so ME.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
I found webcam and I told my mom over the phone about it. once again she was pissed but eventually she calmed down and was ok with it because it is so much safer than the alternative. when someone asks me what I do I tell them I am a cam girl. some people like it some don't. I don't give a rats ass if they don't like it I just don't hang around them. All of my friends know what I do.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
Know how I came out? I didn't make a big production of it, because it's not that serious. I just told my mom, father, grandma, friends, church members, etc. when they asked what I'm doing for a living. I'm a webcam model. For me it was easier since I lost my job when I moved cross country so the topic of employment came up rather naturally. When I meet new people like friends of friends and they ask what I do for a living? I'm a webcam model :) I genuinely don't care what people think of my decision to work in this industry. I have had some people in my life be very judgemental about it. Those people are no longer in my life. If a so-called friend chooses to be self-righteous and look down on me because of my job do I really want to be friends with them? Heck no! Most people in my life have been surprisingly supportive, or at least, not disapproving. I do think that the longer you hide it, the harder it is to come forward. People feel deceived when they find out you haven't been upfront with them for so long. That's why I just put it out there from the get-go.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
some of this is really good advice, buy going out to dinner and paying doesn't need to happen, it could be some coffee shop it doesn't really matter the venue because their reactions will be the same no matter where it happens. Where it gets tricky is coming out to people who are not close friends or family because your in a state where your comfortable with your work or if your work becomes your primary income.
I have learned the longer I am working in the sex trade I will have to come out many times to people in my life at different stages in our relationship.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
some of this is really good advice, buy going out to dinner and paying doesn't need to happen, it could be some coffee shop it doesn't really matter the venue because their reactions will be the same no matter where it happens. Where it gets tricky is coming out to people who are not close friends or family because your in a state where your comfortable with your work or if your work becomes your primary income.
I have learned the longer I am working in the sex trade I will have to come out many times to people in my life at different stages in our relationship.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
I have always told people straight up at this pt. in the game I could care less what they think. It's an honest job :)
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
Thank you so much for this.
I would never tell my parents though. Jewish dad and an Asian mom, I don't think it'll go over too well. I would be banished! lol. Besides, I'm not going to cam forever, so they don't need to find out unless it's a career that I've chosen to do for an extended period of time (though I do love it).
In any case, my only problem right now is telling my ex (with whom it seems like things are going to flourish again). But he's not very open minded about dating anyone in the adult industry. I did ask him once in a conversation whether he would date a stripper, and his reaction seemed pretty negative. Shame though, we are great together.
I'm going to tell him at some point though if it looks like we might get back together, just to save the energy of having to explain if he finds something suspicious on my computer (AKA finding all these webcam sites and porn that I look up for research purposes). It'll be hard, but I'm hoping to turn it around and get him involved. Maybe it could spice up the sex life? And I personally would love it if he could shoot clips of me, I think that it would be fun.
I think that the toughest part will be to tell him that I don't do it out of desperation, or because I NEED the attention from all of the men because I'm insecure or something. Or that I want to have sex with all of these men. I mean I rarely do privates on MFC since it's intimate for me. MEH. I think that I might have to rely on timing. And if he doesn't like it... it'll be a shame, but not the end of the world.
*** Just before that you ladies say that he's an ex for a reason, just wanted to clarify that it was mutual due to some circumstances, and we always have been great friends and probably still will be even if we don't end up together.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
Great thread!
From my own personal experience, I'd add two things:
1)Don't wheel it out like you've got leukemia or like you feel bad or guilty. When confronted with an unknown, people react based on how it was put to them. Be confident and happy. "I'm a cam girl." Not, "I'm...a um...cam girl?"
2)Allow for questions, and understand that they're probably going to be stupid and insensitive. They're allowed to be stupid and insensitive -for a little while- because they don't know any better*. Eventually they will, and at that point, the stupid/insensitive shit has to stop, because you've taken time to patiently explain and if they haven't gotten it by now, they're being deliberately obtuse and you don't need that shit. Make sure they know that this is the intended path, that you will put up with questions until they learn, but that they must learn. For my family it took about a year. Other friends/people take more or less time. I've found it loosely corresponds with age, education and familiarity with the sex industry. (btw lots of people who "think they know" the sex industry don't, duh)
*Think about free chat. Lots of those guys just don't know any better.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tlulu
But he's not very open minded about dating anyone in the adult industry. I did ask him once in a conversation whether he would date a stripper, and his reaction seemed pretty negative.
Don't be afraid to tell him because of his decision to not date a stripper. Stripping and camming are TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Strippers have to touch men, allow men to touch them, risk getting followed home by a crazy custie and of course some decide to give extras. With camming No One is touching you, no one else is even in the same Room as you so there is no possibility of you sharing your body with other people. I think maybe guys don't want to date strippers because they don't want to share their partner with other men, but with camming, no other men are really involved. Just words on a computer screen. This might be hypocritical of me but I honestly wouldn't want to date a male stripper, but I would love it if my guy would cam- solo as well as couples. You just might be surprised at his reaction if you tell him.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
My family recently found out (or at least recently let me know they knew). They knew and I denied it but they still knew, so I was like fine yep you're right. No sense in denying it if they know, it just makes you look dumb. They're religious. And they didn't care. At all. And if they did, cool, I wouldn't care that they care. My life, my choices.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
So... this may be a dumb question... and maybe this isn't the place for it? If so, I apologize-
But... ugh, this is difficult to even type.....
So, I've been curious about girls- and not in that "oooh college curiosity" type of way- but actually curious... Like, sexually, girls turn me on waaaayyy more than guys. And I get so nervous around girls that I don't even have any female friends any more...
I guess my question is... When you're in the "before you're sure" stage, how do you know when you're sure? How do you know that it's more than just curiosity? Do you know what I mean?
Sorry for all the bumbling- it's kind of weird to voice it... even if it is just through type.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
Not weird at all! I don't think there's any stage when it comes to being yourself and what makes your toes curl. Do what feels natural to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
caitir
So... this may be a dumb question... and maybe this isn't the place for it? If so, I apologize-
But... ugh, this is difficult to even type.....
So, I've been curious about girls- and not in that "oooh college curiosity" type of way- but actually curious... Like, sexually, girls turn me on waaaayyy more than guys. And I get so nervous around girls that I don't even have any female friends any more...
I guess my question is... When you're in the "before you're sure" stage, how do you know when you're sure? How do you know that it's more than just curiosity? Do you know what I mean?
Sorry for all the bumbling- it's kind of weird to voice it... even if it is just through type.
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Re: some "coming out" advice, if you need it.
All my friends know what I do. The crowd I am in is very open minded, bunch a hippies lol so nobody really ever gives it a second thought when I tell them (as far as I know.) I have no qualms about it and am always very confident and matter of fact when they ask, so people are just like wow tell me more. Or they get kind of turned on it seems haha.
BUT - I've been camming for 4+ yrs and the entire time my family has thought I do this other complete bullshit online job I came up with when I was 18. I'm pretty close with my parents, mom especially, and they *never* ask me q's about my work and I don't talk about it, other than saying "I gotta work today" etc. They aren't clueless, and my dad especially isn't naive. I think they know I've got somethin else goin on because I live too comfortably to be only making $9/hr like I originally told them, haha. :sarcastic
My mom is like my bff though lol so I hate not being able to talk to her about it. I LOVE this job and plan on being in the industry for a long time, so it seems silly to keep it a secret. I put a lot of effort and energy into building my business and I'm proud of it, so when I think that she has no idea I'm actually a successful business woman, and to think she imagines me basically doing busy work all day to earn a living.. It kinda f'ing sucks!!! Makes me feel like a loser to look at myself that way. :P
I would love to be able to open up about it, but not sure where to begin or what to say. I don't think it would be that big of a deal once it's out in the open - as in she's not going to disown me or anything - but I'm still unsure. Another thing is, my mom's family (parents, siblings) are VERY conservative VERY religious and VERY close minded. Not to mention completely brainwashed. My poor mom escaped their grips eventually and is her own person now, but still feels their claws dig into her from time to time. For example, I just came out to her as bisexual and polyamorous last year. She was completely cool with it, but fears her family finding out because she said they will insult her and call her a bad parent etc. Makes me feel terrible cuz while I could seriously not give a fuck less, she has pretty strong anxiety about it, and I don't want to cause her pain.
Which sucks because I seriously do my best to avoid family gatherings, not only because I can't stand feeling those peoples' negative energy bouncing around, but because of the excruciating awkwardness of being singled out at a dinner table of like 15 people and asked intricate, very detailed questions about my fake job, especially by my super obnoxious grandfather and uncles. Not cool. I wish I could just be like hey guys you know what I do porn so don't try and talk to me about my job anymore cuz I know you don't wanna hear it. We have nothing in common so just leave me alone lol.