Hiding Stripping from the Bf
I know this is a topic that's been discussed before but I just wanted some advice about my specific situation.
I've been with my bf for about 3 months now and I'm pretty sure that he's the one. I know it sounds like it's too early to tell but I didn't think it was possible to have what we have and I really don't want to lose him. I know a lot of people are going to say that if he's really the one he will be able to accept such a huge part of you but I don't think it's that simple. He is such a good guy, the kind that I thought only existed in movies with Rachel Mcadams and I'm just a bit more complicated. He's totally understanding and nonjudgmental but because of the way him and his friends talk about strippers, I really think if he knew I was stripping it would be too much for him.
Right now I have a job in a restaurant (which I hate) and I'm just not making very good money. I was thinking about dancing in NYC. We live in CT. I did a search about this and read a bunch of comments that made it sound like it's going to be inevitable that he finds out but I just don't know how he would find out. I was thinking about telling him I was working some bartending shifts at a friend's private club (sort of like make it sound like a speakeasy or something.) I don't want to tell him I'm working at a specific bar in case he wants to visit me there.
I guess the biggest thing will be how hard it is to lie to him. I lie to him now about little things and it makes me so paranoid, that he can somehow tell I'm lying or something. I'm hoping it will just get easier over time. I want to dance like 3 nights a week and at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm leading a double life.
Does anyone have any advice about this?
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
1 if he is so awesome and not judgmental, then if you explained it to him like you did us then he would be cool withit IF he is as awesome as you say
2 lying in any relationship is a bad idea, if he finds out or would never find out
3 if you want to dance, you dance. period. it is YOUR life, and if i, and MANY girls will back me up in saying this, he has a proble with it, you are better off without a guy like that. if i had listened to the douchbage i was dating when i first started dancing and not danced, id be stuck with a deadend job and no education in a crap town instead of living in a nice townhouse well on my way to having a masters deggree from a private university. do not decide major life decisions based on anyone besides yourself. if a man is not a total jackass in the first place he would not have such a shit view about strippers. and if he loves you and is secure in your relationship, he will trust you enuf to be a stripper. my current bf of 2 years trusts me enought to understand that the guys in the club are simpley that, and that i do not fall for them or want to fuck them, nor is he insecure enough to think id cheat on him
simpley out, if you think you can make a better life for yourself dancing, then do it and fuck what he thinks. if you tell him and he is cool, great, if you tell him and he has a problem with it, trust me, you can do better. good luck.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
This is probably not what you want to hear, but I don't have any advice for you to help you hide it from him. If you care about him that much, you wouldn't be lying to him. You should tell him that you want to try it in order to improve your life because you feel like you work your ass off now and you don't get paid very well. Let him know that you have researched what you are getting into and you know what kind of temptations are a part of the dancing world and that you will stay faithful to him no matter what, and he doesn't have to worry about you while you are at work. His friends don't have to know that you switched jobs. This will be an opportunity for you to make a lot of money working fewer hours, therefore, you'll have time and money to pursue a degree/hobby/dog ownership/etc etc that you would have never been able to do before. Ultimately, if he cares about YOU that much, he will understand that this is something you want to do and support you, even though it may be very very weird for him and he's probably not gonna be super crazy about you dancing.
I have seen many girls try to hide dancing from their boyfriends and it never seems to work out. I even worked with a girl who told her bf that she kept her job at some furniture store she was working at and had him drop her off at work at the furniture store in her professional uniform and then she would call a cab and have a cab take her from there to the club and then back to the furniture store at night to be picked up by him. Yeah, it worked for a few months until it blew up in her face and he was so freaking pissed off when he found out that he put her on blast online and called her parents and told them where she was working and stuff. Your significant other has a right to know where you are working, IMO. And there are just too many things that won't add up if you lie to him that he'll figure it out eventually, even if you think you've covered all your bases, and he will feel really betrayed.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
1 if he is so awesome and not judgmental, then if you explained it to him like you did us then he would be cool withit IF \
2 lying in any relationship is a bad idea, if he finds out or would never find out
3 if you want to dance, you dance. period. it is YOUR life, and if i, and MANY girls will back me up in saying this, if he would have a problem with it, you are better off without a guy like that. if i had listened to the douchbage i was dating when i first started dancing and not danced, id be stuck with a deadend job and no education in a crap town instead of living in a nice townhouse well on my way to having a masters deggree from a private university. do not decide major life decisions based on anyone besides yourself. if a man is not a total jackass in the first place he would not have such a shit view about strippers. and if he loves you and is secure in your relationship, he will trust you enuf to be a stripper. my current bf of 2 years trusts me enought to understand that the guys in the club are simpley that, and that i do not fall for them or want to fuck them, nor is he insecure enough to think id cheat on him
simpley put, if you think you can make a better life for yourself dancing, then do it and fuck what he thinks. if you tell him and he is cool, great, if you tell him and he has a problem with it, trust me, you can do better. good luck.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
You base a relationship on lies and it will destroy itself. You think he is the one? don't blow it right of the bat then.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
IMO, it's understandable for a guy to not be 100% okay with his girlfriend/fiancee/wife stripping. He would have to look past the stigma of it, get jealousy issues in check, and trust you tremendously. But the proper response to these challenges is not to just hide it from him. I can understand omitting the whole truth to some guy you grabbed coffee with and never intend to see again, but if you're using language like "the one" and telling us how amazing this guy is, you'd be a fool to fuck it up with this huge of a lie. If you care about him, discuss it with him.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
Eek. I have to agree with the more recent posters. Love and lies just don't go hand in hand. If you don't think he would be OK with it, and this relationship is truly important to you, then I would look for alternatives...
It's a little self-righteous for some of these women to say "If he's not cool with you stripping, then he's not worth it!" One of my criteria for myself and relationships is that I am NO longer stripping when I am ready to get serious and settle down with someone. I want a man who is OK with my past, but I don't think it belongs in the kind of relationship that I want to have. I'm old fashioned monogamist... swinging, open relationships, those sorts of things just aren't for me. A LOT of women in this industry have happy husbands, boyfriends, etc. that are OK with it, and I see nothing wrong with that either -- I just know what I want out of a relationship, and it's a little bit different. So I would TOTALLY quit stripping if I found the right man and felt I was ready for commitment (buuuut I'm not yet. :D )
It all boils down to what the most important thing for you is. If stripping, security and money are more important than this guy your with, go for the job, but be honest! If you're at a point in your life where you want to commit long-term and this guy's the one, then maybe finding a different restaurant job, or getting an *actual* bartending job might be better suited?
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
I agree. Don't lie. If he finds out, you are in deep trouble. Good relationships can be honest with each other. It sounds like his friends go to their fair share of strip clubs, if they talk about strippers, so what if they decide to up and go to NYC one night for a club crawl and accidentally see you? Or he goes to surprise you at your "bartending job" and you're not there? I know you say you won't tell him where, but that in itself is suspicious.
On one hand, you've only been with him 3 months, you don't know what might happen in another 6 even if you don't strip. You should be worried about YOU. Worst thing I ever did was put my life on the back-burner for some guy I thought I'd marry. So in that respect, go strip, if it's going to bring you financial peace of mind and be a job you like. If he doesn't like it, there are billions of people in this world and you can find someone equally as awesome but that's okay with it.
On the other hand, you could talk to him about it. My boyfriend was very against it at first, but has come around to it and is now pretty adamant that I DON'T go waitress again because I hate it and dancing is 3x as lucrative. He was against it because he's been to one strip club once and it was awkward, so he had no idea about the realities. Maybe if you explain to him what it's like, and that not all strippers are stereotypical (like his buddies probably say), he'd be better suited. Maybe he just doesn't want his friends to know, because you know how guys are. I can't really advise on the psychology of it sicne I don't know what his hangup is exactly or if you've tried to bring it up to him yet.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
I disagree with everyone! I have a friend who hid herself stripping for years, even ended up marrying the guy and until this day he doesnt know! This is where women mess up you do not need to share EVERYTHING with your spouse, whether its money (which is why older women alway say keep an extra saving account that only YOU know of), secrets, whatever. If you feel that your boyfriend wouldnt be accepting of you dancing then he probably wont. Now how to hide it, Im not sure. My friend would lie and say she was a bartender, waitress, etc never got caught. I dont tell guys anymore what I do but there was a time that I did, and trust they will you treat differently!. Be smart hide your dance stuff cover your tracks. The chances of you being find out, which happened to me with camming but with dancing are low, especially if you do it in a town away from where you live. What are the odds, not very many. Good luck.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
i would not suggest lying. big mistake. im of the opinion that you should treat others the way you would like to be treated , especially when you care about them and are in a relationship. cannot stand liars, i find that they are usually cowards who destroy all their relationships..not saying that's what you are though lol. would you like it if he lied to you about what he did? even if it seems like a small ,harmless thing he will begin to distrust you with everything and will question your honesty. it will hurt, and possibly destroy your relationship. now, if he does not want you stripping,even after you talk, then you need to make a decision between him and that career. now i for one wouldn't want to be with a man who couldn't support me, talked shit about a whole group of women, and i would choose my career, but that's me..im a cynical callous bitch. if he is the "one" and you love him then don't lie, that's my opinion..and remember that finding a good man that you love is not easy! money you can always acquire, but a good relationship and love is not something that you can find anywhere! good luck hun. on a side note : that being said, 3 months is not a long time, and as stripping has greatly improved my life, i would never suggest you put your life and your needs on hold for a man that you weren't 100% sure of
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
If you're going to lie, you are going to have to be very organized. Like a separate pre-paid phone. Clothes kept somewhere that he'll never accidentally open up. If you think he's "the one" then I say it's not worth it. What is another three months to see if you still think he's "the one?" Dance if the relationship doesn't work out. Otherwise you're probably sabotaging it. At some point in time, the two of you can brainstorm over your job and money problems and solve it doing something you don't have to hide.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
You've only been dating him for 3 months. This is not long enough to warrant his opinion being a deciding or even contributing factor here. I think you should try it now for a month or so and if you like it, tell him, and if you don't you don't have to deal with it. When you tell him, you can tell him you've been doing it since around the same time you started dating and you just wanted to make sure it was something you were really serious about before bringing it up to him. This kind of sets it up as part of the package deal of "you" which it will be, rather than wording it like you're asking for his opinion on the matter, or worse asking his permission to do it.
Many dancers including myself don't disclose their occupations right away when dating so this timeframe shouldn't be too wierd.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
You're going to get caught. No if ands or buts. Then he's going to hate you and a few scenarios could result: 1)He leaves you because you're a liar 2)Greed and revenge take over and he stays because he figured he has a free meal ticket. 3)He stays with you but the trust is irreparably damaged and he leaves you anyways. I've always been upfront with my boyfriends. I told my ex fiance from the get go and he was cool with it. (He is too much of a greedy fuck to protest)
My current one I met in the SC as a customer (yes one of 'those' cases)and he is 5 years younger than me and very complacent. His only gripe is "some strippers are crazy" ::) (No shit Sherlock)
I won't tell you that 3 months is too short to be serious with someone because I met and moved in with my ex fiance within a week. However I can say that I wouldn't trade my relationship with Benjamin, Ulysses or Andrew for a mere mortal unless it was Bill Gates or Donald Trump. ;)
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
Odette is right in that 3 months isn't a long time, but you calling him "the one" and talking about not wanting to lose him ups the ante on this relationship. I've had 4 relationships as a dancer. I was with Boy A when I first started and didn't tell him because I was already planning on breaking up with him. I didn't tell Boy B because I danced very sporadically, didn't think he'd accept it, and our relationship had an expiry date since I was moving out of the country within a few months. I held another job and only worked day shifts at the club anyway, so logistically, it was easy to hide, but it stilled weighed on me. Boy C was my DJ, so he knew, and it was really nice to not have to hide dancing and be able to be open it. Boy D found out shortly after we met and after my relationship with Boy C, I knew that I couldn't hide dancing from another relationship. I also now live with Boy D, so it'd be nigh impossible to hide it from him.
I understand the worry about being judged for dancing and the attractiveness of avoiding that conversation entirely by hiding it. I'm not sure what little things you're already lying to him about, but let me tell you that time doesn't make it any easier, and neither does a more serious lie like dancing. While ExoticBeauty4U knows someone who was successful in hiding dancing and marrying that man, that's a one in a million case. It's too easy to get caught, the paranoia puts a strain on the relationship, and you're just asking for trouble later on down the line when you want to be honest, you're moving in together, or things are getting serious.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
Did you consider how much its gonna be frustrating and mentally draining for you to live with a lie like that? Not for moral reasons but practical ones. Youll look over your shoulder and be paranoid and panic at every question, etc...
that kind of stress can ruin your relationship from the inside.
Besides, he does deserve to know. Plus, he asks you where the bar is. What do you do? Why on earth would you not tell your bf a bar you supposedly work at is?
If youre in the same town that lie isnt gonna last long anyway.
And noone is an angel, hes probably not as perfect as you think he is.
Re: Hiding Stripping from the Bf
Lying to a significant other is never a good idea and you will live with guilt, fear, stress and exhaustion, and you may get caught, but if you absolutely must strip, and if you are certain he will not approve, then,.... who are we to judge?... Learn to be a good liar and find a good trusted soul who will listen to your "confessions" and help you make "absolution" when the guilt is overwhelming.
Maybe ExoticBeauty4U can link you up with her friend and she can give you pointers.