need to vent, no other support system
:'( i've always been irresponsible but since i am living on my own it's starting to bite me hard. i haven't signed up for school yet, i ruined my scholarship cuz i didnt finish my fafsa, i only dance part time but even that is sooo draining, the man i like is partying way harder than ever and i feel left out cuz i can't keep up and don't want to, there are other love interests in my life but i know that they would bring their own share of drama and frankly i don't care about them anywhere near as much as Party Boy. My friends know about what i do for a living but half of them don't think it's a "real" job and the other half don't even want to believe that it brings any problems because they are so captivated by the "beautiful trash" aspect of it. I am very sensitive but not sentimental so i feel like I've burned whatever bridges were available to me to talk about my feelings. I haven't been taking my meds (depression/anxiety) lately so I start to doubt my own emoytions wondering if I am feeling so lost cuz of some chemical imbalance and maybe my life is great. Party Boy also sends soooo many mixed signals, he will talk about how he will always come back to me and he wishes i would share more of myself with him (i am naturally very stoic) and then he will start talking about other chicks the next day and how he's not jealous and doesn't like monogamy (i don't like monogamy either but with him I'm starting to feel different about it). I'm so tired and had such a bad day yesterday that i started popping pills with the idea of killing myself but stopped after 3 pills cuz i couldn't go through with it.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
Depression and anxiety are real, life-changing issues. But the biggest issue I see here is that you're feeling sorry for yourself ("beautiful trash?"). Yes, you are irresponsible. You're self-sabotaging out of apathy and self-pity. FAFSA can be filed late, and you can explain your circumstances to someone at your scholarship foundation. If you don't want to take your meds anymore, fine. I didn't want to either. But cut the drama. You either want to live or you want to die. You may have stopped popping pills yesterday, but that's hardly wanting to live. That's just being afraid of dying. The best thing you could do for yourself would be to get your shit together--today. You have the rest of your life to die. See a therapist. Learn how to respect yourself, and learn how to live with anxiety and depression. Cut out the people who bring you down. "Party boy" will never be anything but a drain, and you're not ready for a relationship if you can't love yourself. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself with kindness, and take yourself out for a cup of tea to people-watch or read. Eat well, sleep. For me, the worst of it all comes and goes, but if you can find just a little bit of beauty in life, even the tragic kind, then it's enough to hold onto. You have to stop wanting to suffer, and then half the suffering is gone.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
the beautiful trash is just how my idiot friends see my job not me. and yeah i just need to do things and keep busy and my mind will calm down.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
The fact that you thought of killing yourself should scare you enough to get help. I had a friend who killed herself and nobody saw the signs to help her before she did it. She just did one day out of the blue. Now that I have gone to school I know its a chemical imbalance in your head that would even allow you to go there with suicide. You can get free help through many sources. Usually schools offer this. You may not feel that anyone cares about you as my friend did but she was wrong, a lot of people were very hurt by this including myself.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
I was once in a really bad place and felt suicidal. I read this and it helped. If you ever feel that way again, I would suggest you read it too: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
If you take away anything from it it is this:
"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."
Re: need to vent, no other support system
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Veela
the beautiful trash is just how my idiot friends see my job not me. and yeah i just need to do things and keep busy and my mind will calm down.
You seem to be dismissing your problems. Yes, keeping busy helps in a "fake it till you make it" sense, which is sometimes all you can really do, but there needs to be more than that long-term. Have you seen a therapist?
Re: need to vent, no other support system
yeah i was seeing a therapist for several years but have stopped in the last few months since my life and my inner life were going so well...until the last two weeks that is. i feel ashamed but i think i might have to find one again. my old therapist was mainly a child therapist so now that i am legally an adult i need to find another one. preferably one who is sex industry friendly.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
There's no reason to feel ashamed. (I say that logically, although I don't always mind my own reason.) Therapy can really help if you find the right person and go in there with goals. I don't think I know anyone who wouldn't benefit from a few sessions.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
Party Boy is just going to hurt u. I definitely think therapy can help. In the meantime it can help to think about what your goals are, what you want to go to school for when you go back, what things (better car, home, etc.) you are saving for, so you have more or a purpose for work. That right there will make you a bit more responsible, but don't beat yourself up for being irresponsible, it is a learning process.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
^^yes, party boy is no good, but I think alot of us have been there. Were with a guy who we know is no good but we want this at the time until we learn we dont want this as all it will do is hurt us. As joanna said, its a learning process but I am telling you party boy is a waste of time. And yes, make goals, short term and long term. Keeping a planner with me all the time, writing down the things I must do each day and crossing them off my list always helps me get stuff done.
Re: need to vent, no other support system
thank you so much for all the support and I am getting my shit organized. It's better to get up and fix at least one thing than waste my time worrying about all of them. Party Boy has actually been very supportive of my down times but I have learned to keep my distance from him as well.