-------------
Printable View
-------------
I love open relationships! I have been with my current boyfriend for about 5 years, we live together, and have an open relationship.
Before we lived together, I was allowed to see other men. When we moved in together, he told me he was no longer comfortable with that, but he is perfectly fine with me having girlfriends. He has never shown interest in dating anyone else, but I am open to that if it ever comes up. I am also OK with him seeing escorts (as long as he is safe), but he never has shown interest in that either.
It's not easy, it takes a lot of honest communication, which can be harder than it sounds. The open relationship was my idea, and while it all sounded great in my head, telling someone I deeply care about I wanted the option of sleeping with other people didn't seem so happy and shiny and when it came time to put it into words.
Sometimes it can be challenging to juggle two relationships. When I was dating my ex girlfriend, while dating my current boyfriend, trying to find the time for both of them and not have anyone feel neglected can be tough. Completely worth it, to me, but definitely a new challenge.
Obviously many western cultures puts a great value on monogamy. It can be a hard ideal to shake, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting or being in a monogamous relationship. I'm also not opposed to marriage, my boyfriend and I talk about getting married in the future. Part of these talks involve exploring how the openness of our relationship might change and what our expectations are.
I would be totally okay with one! I've actually tried to breach the topic to my boyfriend, but alas, he is older (read: set in his ways) and conservative. Too much potential for jealousy on his end was how he kiboshed it. It is a very hard thing to propose to somebody without them getting all "But WHY?" and insecure.
My thoughts on it are, don't you want to experience any other girls before you totally settle down with one? He's only slept with me. I think it could be useful in several ways, like when I have my busy weeks where I don't have time for him, so he doesn't get all bitchy moany because he's not gotten any action.
It wasn't going to be a situation where we were literally "dating" other people, but just hooking up with them. I feel like people need to learn to realize that you can be romantically/sexually/intellectually attracted to someone without being all of them... you know? Just because I find someone attractive to sleep with and have conversation with, does not mean I see them in a romantic light.
But yeah, I think it's a really cool progressive idea. I think it kinda goes in with the whole idea that instead of preaching abstinence, we need to educate on safe sex and partner choices, and being responsible... I feel like forcing people to believe in monogamy is just a way to control them.
I think open relationships have to be handled responsibly so nobody gets hurt. Each person involved should have a say on how things are going to work...aka the rules/expectations. It takes maturity and trust (and going against the status quo) for something like this to work.
If someone wants to have an open relationship then discuss it with the other person. However, not everyone believes in them. I could never share a man with someone else to be honest and I believe in monogamy. While I am accepting of this (as in I don't care what others do)I would be horrified if a man I was dating mentioned this. I will say this and that is make sure you know boundaries and both are on the same page because I know people in situations like swinging, open relationships and poly relationships that have broken up due to jealousy or other problems.
Actually, I was in an open relationship with an ex-boyfriend years ago where I was allowed to have sex with his close friend while he watched (and even when he wasn't there). The relationship had a lot of problems to begin with outside of this and we ended up broken up. No, I don't think this was the reason why but it didn't help as he eventually accused me of cheating on him (though he wanted me to have sex with the friend). Of course he also accused me of having sex with my regulars too and this I was NOT doing.
I've mentioned this before but I made a vow years ago to remain abstinent until marriage. I used to think of sex as a casual thing but realize I was wrong and want it in a monogamous marriage.
Open relationships are good if you don't have much invested in one another or if you have a lot invested and are trying to salvage the relationship to curb loss.
(Sorry for the super long post, but this has been on my mind and something I've been discussing with friends the past couple weeks.)
I've recently told myself that if I were to get into another relationship in the future, it would have to be open. I'm about halfway through The Ethical Slut. I was kinda wary of the book but it seemed popular, and I've actually really enjoyed its thoughts on certain things concerning open relationships, so I'm gonna finish reading it and I'd recommend it.
I just had a conversation with a guy friend a few days ago about open relationships and he said he was always happier when having several lovers. That way he could get all his needs (not just physical) met even if his primary partner was too busy for him or not in the mood to deal with him or have sex all the time. He even told me that he's had partners where they started open, went to monogamous, and they would tell him later that he was easier to be with when they were open because he didn't have to rely on them for everything or things would get tense if the primary partner couldn't deliver on something and the other person was just SOL. I think this is a fabulous reason for an open relationship. Even with friendships, I'm much happier, relaxed, and have a better social life with everyone involved when I have more friends in the area. When I had few friends, I took it much more personally when they couldn't spend time with me cuz they had other people to run off to but I didn't... and that sucks no matter how logically you try to tell yourself it's not their fault or anything. I think the same thing would definitely apply to an open relationship. Plus I like flirting and meeting new men far too much to consider monogamy again right now.
I think the biggest thing involved in open relationships is communication - even and especially if that means listening to your partners fears/concerns if they are having doubts. I was kinda in a pseudo-open relationship a few years ago with a roommate, but things just never really panned out for us. I would have doubts and concerns and want to talk about them openly, but he seemed to be under the impression that "open relationship" meant that you should just be totally A-ok with your primary partner ditching you and running after someone else without any previous discussion of plans or boundaries in certain situations, and that expressing any amount of jealousy and just wanting to talk about it or ask for reassurance was silly and wrong. It's not. It's important to be able to talk about those less-than-stellar feelings that can crop up in open situations. Dismissing them as "We're in an open relationship so get over it" is just... not gonna last you very long.
I think it's very important to have strong communication and boundaries because of those jealous feelings - no matter how good you are at controlling them, most people have been raised with an monogamy-centrist view and will fall back into them in certain situations. I hate it when people lecture me on the whole "caring about someone else doesn't diminish someone's feelings for you" thing. I understand that. And I think it's an important thing to realize, and something that I'm sure some people do get caught up on. But that was never my problem. I get the whole "love not diminishing" thing - but love is an intangible force. The way you express love is often through finite things - time, money, whathaveyou. If you're spending your Saturday night wrapped up in person B's arms, you aren't spending that Saturday night with Person A, and that can cause hurt feelings. It drove me nuts when I would try to explain how this concept was something that I had trouble with, and people would deliver me with the lecture on how "love is not a starvation economy" as though if stupid, little me could just grasp that idea, I'd be totally ok with getting turned down by my partner because he would rather spend that time with someone else. I have no problem sharing within set boundaries, but it seems no one I've tried to have this discussion with understands what I'm getting at and what my concerns are and where my jealousy comes from, so they just blow me off as "not getting it" and that has always just led to resentment. So I think that's something people going into open relationships need to realize and be able to discuss to be able to set boundaries that are comfortable for everyone.
In my next relationship, I'm going straight in by letting them know I need it to be open. And I can't settle for someone who isn't cool with discussing it right off the bat. I tried to open up my last relationship. My end goal was to open it up fully, but I tried to start with just being allowed to hook up with girls. Even though I framed it as me being bisexual and feeling the desire for a woman sometimes, and it's not like I immediately ran out and started getting crazy the second I got permission, my bf originally acted cool with it and then started freaking out a month later, demanding to know "what was wrong with us" that I "suddenly" felt the need to go sleep with other people. The urge wasn't "sudden" at all, but since I had tried to wait until we were established to bring it up, it seemed like I "suddenly" wasn't happy anymore. So I determined from then on, it should be an earlier rather than later conversation.
Acting cool with monogamy with someone else who clearly wants monogamy is gonna make it harder to open things up later. I used to think being "open" was something that needed to happen later, after you've been established and can be confident in taking other partners without your primary one getting jealous... but I think I was completely wrong about that. It actually seems better to make your desires known right away so you can find someone who is ok with the idea in the first place - plus it's probably easier to have strong communication about it from day one instead of trying to figure it out later around the hurt feelings of "But why aren't you happy with monogamy anymore?" even if you never really were...
A part of me feels like i could only have this arrangement with someone i wasn't super into or in love with. I might be able to have one with someone who I feel is an overall great guy but not intensely into if that makes sense...Maybe it's hard for me to picture someone I'm so into going and hooking up with another girl while im not around???
I don't care what other people do, but I could NEVER be in an open relationship. Not many people believe in monogamy these days, but I do. There's no other way for me. I will definitely get married too. I don't need a "silly piece of paper" to prove anything, it's just the way I want things to be and I don't care if it's outdated or whatever. I have no problem with people being together without plans of getting married if that's what they want of course. I don't dictate how other people's relationships need to be, I respect that not everyone can share my views and opinions. I wish people could do the same for me when I mention I'm never having kids... but that's another discussion :)
I'm a romantic and want to be married and monogamous. I am also very introverted and rarely find someone whom I don't find wearing, even if I like him/her. My boyfriend and I are very compatible, and even though we're together all the time, we don't really tire each other out. Adding other people would be like planning to have a frequent dinner guest, which is pretty much the worst thing ever, in our minds.
Other people can do whatever they please, as far as I'm concerned. I imagine opening a relationship can be very difficult, but rewarding for some.
^I'm the same, people wear me out. If I see 1 friend during the week I won't want to meet up with another one, just because I don't have the energy for it.
I want a open relationship, next time I get into one. My ex and I got into the swinging.... but things didn't exactly "swing" both ways. He liked the idea of being with another woman, if I was OK with it. He didn't like the idea of me being with another guy so much. At one time... I would have wanted monogamy... but it seems restrictive to me now. I don't think monogamy is necessarily for everyone. I think just cause someone gets married or gets into a committed relationship... it doesn't mean they stop finding other people attractive. If both people in a relationship agree to being with other people.... and no one is being lied to.... and the primary relationship isn't being put on the backburner..... then I don't see anything wrong with not being monogamous.
i think it rarely really works out, and take somebody who is either VERY secure or isn't madly in love with the other person ( as somebody pointed out). i could do it just as a sexual thing sure, but i think in matters of the heart i will ALWAYS be monogamous. i just couldn't do it, and couldn't stand to know they were doing it. im not saying most, but a LOT of the "now open" relationships i see are with girls who have had cheating boyfriends and still want to be with the boyfriends no matter what, so they say " yup, as long as i know about it" and turn it into an open thing. i've only seen one really strong relationship that was open.
Oh, I forgot! Before my current boyfriend, I (very briefly) dated a guy who was in an open relationship. I remember on our first "date", he stopped by a party she was at so that he could introduce us. She was very cute and sweet. I was a little nervous at first, but she was friendly towards me and it wasn't really awkward at all.
I've never experienced it first hand, and it sounds strange, but I really like the idea of "my partner's partner." I think it's such a unique relationship, and I would like to see what it's like for myself one day.
I am currently in an open relationship. In my opinion it does require great communication, respect (both for yourself in knowing what you cannot handle, and for the other person and his her feelings), and a good dosage of maturity. You need to be a secure person and feel also secure in your relationship and exactly what it brings to you and the other person. Because inevitably there will be tiny surges of jealousy, when my boyfriend needs me but I'm out with someone, or vice verse, and it's a slippery slope depending on how you handle things.
I feel free and happy to be in this kind of deal. I've always felt smothered with monogamy, to be honest. I can handle the difference between a little flirting tension on the weekend, and the deep permanent love and support my partner and I have achieved over five years. He loves who I am and he even sometimes handles things better than I.
I think that in an established long term relationship, it can work. Dan Savage even calls this monagamish. Once the trust and loyalty of a LTR is solid, the fear of being left behind by your partner is reduced and allows for more experimentation. Also, lasting passion is very, very rare in a relationship. The vast majority of sexual relationships get dull sometime around the 2 year mark, if not sooner. A well thought out affair can really add some spark to an existing marriage.
Also, many long term relationships fall into sexlessness. Sometimes the couple is ok with this state of the relationship, but usually one person in this arrangement is very frustrated. This could happen for medical reasons, or just that one partner loses interest in sex altogether. About 20% of all married couples will end up in a sexless marriage. Just think about five married couples you know. One of those couples is probably sexless.
It would be nice if there were more information on healthy non-monogamous relationships available. Since it isn't considered to be the ideal, there is just so little information on how to best establish an open relationship outside of the swinging community.
I've spent time with swingers, and they seem to be hyper-sexualized. The way swingers go about their lifestyle choices looks on the outside to me how alcoholics approach drinking. Many are likely sex addicts. A friend of mine who is in her late 30's has come into swinging recently. She lived a very sheltered life, had children young, married an abusive husband and only after her third divorce did she discover swinging. This lady is an elementary school teacher who sings in her church choir. Now she is all about swinging at every chance she gets, and she'll pretty much go to bed with anyone. I think this is disordered behavior, probably based on some kind of rebellion against her buttoned-up lifestyle. These days she is looking for a polygamous-swinger relationship. I'm afraid that this lifestyle choice will come crashing down around her, considering what she does for a living. She never even considered the possibility of losing her children as a result of her lifestyle choice. Her ex-husband is also very conservative, and would freak out at the thought that the mother of his children is now a swinger. He'd do everything he could to remove those kids from her home. And she just adores her kids. Having her kids taken away would just destroy her.
It would be nice to find some advice about how to have a non-monogamous relationship in a moderate way. You know, like some people can drink moderately without it ever being an issue, it would be cool to learn how to have affairs moderately and preserve the core relationship.
Never seen one that was really strong, though I am sure they are out there.
Almost always an excuse for the guy to get action on the side while spouting off a lot of bullshit about freedom etc. A lot of the women think they are being powerful and exercising their freedom, but it's almost always the guy who is going out much more frequently and getting some. And a whole lot of the women I've seen who think they are being powerful are really just getting dumped all over in a somewhat different way by the players.
Sometimes it's the women who take advantage of it more though--it does happen!
Sorry, I'm jaded. Not saying it can't work. Just saying usually it doesn't from what I've seen--not for long anyway, and usually it's all about the guy.
I think it's just a question of finding the right people. And also, being a bit laid back and hyper-rational sometimes.
My guy and I have been together for five years now. During that time a baby arrived and it rattled our insecurities, I don't know if it happens to everyone. Last year I realized he was chatting with other girls. I hated it, but only because I felt jealous I did not feel free to do the same... I love my guy and know he loves me, I just needed it to be equalitarian even if I didn't feel like it, LOL. Strangely enough, after a bad period of tension between us we finally got drunk and talked it out. Now we're in a three way relationship with an ex-girlfriend of his, who has oficially become my first girlcrush and girlfriend.... go figure. She's also in a stable straight relationship and even though we don't get to hang out as often as we'd like, we make the most out of every time!
I won't say there haven't been awkward parts. Thinking you're cool with something doesn't mean you'll feel so cool when it happens to you --or when you have to watch it happen to a SO. Sometimes I actively have to shut myself up and wait until I'm a bit clearer, because it can get confusing. I've also had to let go of much of my privacy.... many things I'd rather not talk about, had to come out in the open because we NEEDED a very open and clear communication, and ultimately that was a good thing because I've always had trouble because I keep too much to myself. I think this has made me grow as a person, and become more sensible and sensitive, but I would be lying if I said it's a walk in the park and I recommend it for everyone.
Seems a good way to get a disease.
I have to wonder how many of these guys in open relationships where the woman plays with other women would feel the same if she were playing with guys. Most guys love the idea of two women together, it's like having your cake and eating it too--especially if they get to join in. But of course there are always exceptions.
A few years back I was in a long distance relationship, and we agreed she could play around with women. She got some dances from one that really got her going on one of her nights off in another club, but the dancer was signalling her boyfriend (a bouncer who worked there) 'Look I got us a Live One!' lol. And when I heard that I said she could still play with her, but I didn't want the guy anywhere near them. She never called the girl because of that, but kind of blamed me for cramping her style. Maybe I did, but I knew exactly what that guy was thinking...
:D
Well, I know in my case, my boyfriend is definitely more comfortable with me being with women than me being with other men. It makes sense that he would feel less threatened by a woman, he's not going to be comparing himself to her the same way he would another man. In the past I was allowed to see men, but when we moved in together he wanted that part of the relationship to change. I completely understood and agreed, although at this point I am still open to the idea of him dating other women. I think part of having a successful open relationship with a partner you are seriously committed to is constantly evaluating and reevaluating your comfort level and boundaries, and having clear and (sometimes brutally) honest communication. Every person is different, and every relationship is different. I don't think there is any one right way to do it, just as long as the focus is on what is good for those within it, and not some preconceived notion of how it should be. Maybe it seems hypocritical from the outside that he is (in theory) allowed to sleep with women while I don't have permission to sleep with other men, but what it comes down to is recognizing and respecting your partner's boundaries and trusting them to do the same. (also, not trying to say you were implying it was hypocritical, just stressing the focus on individual needs).
Also, I'm sure there is that added lesbian fantasy factor that sweetens the deal, in a sense. But while it's one thing for your girl to sleep with another girl, it's another for her to have a full on emotional and romantic relationship with another person, regardless of gender. So on one level I'm sure he's like "yeah, lesbos, hot" but it gets a little more complicated when feelings are involved.
Plus he never even met my ex, so beyond lusty imaginings he really didn't get anything out of it in that sense :)
Anyway, everyone is different, that's just how my experience has been.
Yeah sorry I didn't mean to seem critical. Everyone is different, that's for sure--and so many people's 'ideal relationship would never work for a lot of other people.
Most monogamous marriages I've seen didn't look like much fun to me, but a lot of them were very happy with it so who am I to knock it either?
And I hear you on it being a whole different ballgame when things get serious between two women--I've seen that surprise guys who just thought it was fun & games many times!
:D
I have known couples where the woman was allowed to be with women only and in some instances the other woman played with both of them. I do understand this idea in terms of two women being together because it is different being with the same sex than the opposite (as in different equipment). I'm not bi nor do I have an interest in being with a woman but do get the theory.
I knew this couple year ago who did adult movies and both had sex with others (her mostly with women). Years later they broke up and long story short it was he who pressured her into having an open marriage. I really thought they both enjoyed it but nope.
You have to be extremely open, honest and communicate. If those things are lacking in any way then you can't do an open/poly relationship - ever. Reasons why relationships fail is because honesty and communication is lacking, and if you have that in an open relationship you're pretty much fucked - someone will cheat or lie and then that's the end of that.
I do agree that a lot of people don't understand it, and try to say "Oh, but I'm poly!!!" like an excuse to sleep around on their partner. Which is shitty.
I've never been in an open relationship, but I'd like too. I think it's a beautiful thing and so awesome when everyone is on the same page and it just works.