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my job has changed me so much. i'm not sure if for the worse or for the better, but it feels better. sex is different. and so is how I interact with myself and the world. i'm tougher, now. and unapologetically stand on my own for my own approval and companionship in some cases. it is very lonely and making sandwiches or coffee would definitely be easier- but I strangely love the challenge of it. it is hard and complex- it requires adjusting yourself to each person while still showing genuine parts of yourself, it requires open mindedness and realness and being a bit of a therapist while still being porn star esque. it requires saying no, it requires dealing with the brunt of sexism and making it your own- making it something that is powerful instead. it's all about the psychology. there's over 1,000 girls sitting naked and they're unsuccessful. they're beautiful but as one man put it "I could just watch porn and jack off to it and be done. I do this for the interaction and realness." people want me to create a fantasy with my words. I don't get naked. I am extremely sexual without nudity. people pay for my time. sometimes, they pay to talk to me. i've found that the level of clothing is irrelevant. they want you to enjoy yourself (which I do in my own way- but strangely enough, not sexually.) they want you to be open minded (I am extremely popular because I am open to taboo roleplay, especially the really messed up hentai stuff, and I dominate as well as submit, and then depending on how tired I am offer word cuddles afterwards) they want your attention. they want your smile.To be honest, the money is a huge part of it but there's so much more to why I do this. It's preparation- putting on makeup, making a playlist for the background, spraying myself with dior even though nobody will smell it but me, getting a bunch of water and caffeinated stuff to put to the side to drink so I don't have to leave the cam but can stay hydrated, cleaning the sex toys and putting them to the side, eating first, putting my giant totoro plushie within clear shot to start conversation when it gets a little dead, notifying people on my skype that i'm about to go on and to come say hi, pre-writing the room topic, and finally, going on.
It's the social networking. is someone likes me but cant tip- ask them to spread my name in the member's lounge. ask them to rate and admire. ask them to come and talk again in the future. it's the building of regulars, it's reminding people to put me on their friends list so they can find me easily in the future, it's giving out my separate skype so I show up as online and available to them and they get updates/can schedule shows. It's going offline for a bit when it gets dry, and then letting online people know I have some time to do a show.
It's the challenge- making yourself publicly interesting and keeping an eye on the public chat while handling pm messages and giving them my attention, it's convincing them that I don't need to take my clothes off to make it sexy, it's getting people in my room, it's the delicacy of showing realness mixed with sexiness, it's the playing with the bare shoulder, the carefully planned lip bites, the big eyes, enjoying myself, making a nice atmosphere, getting paid to watch cams and keep an eye on it so you can pm them about their orgasm the minute they do it so they know you were watching, it's good music, it's thankfulness at any tip amount, it's dealing with the difficult ones gracefully, it's the choosing which offline messages to respond to, it's keeping an eye on the camscore but not obsessing, it's making them feel that they need more of me, and again, it's the psychology. It's the physically demanding part, too- my lips are a little sore at the sides from blowjobbin my dildo, my skin is a little dry from all the makeup, you gotta keep pretty faces, talk for hours, do hour long shows where you fake an orgasm for just one guy and roleplay one on one.
I don't feel demeaned- I feel like this is one of the most rewarding, challenging, interesting and intellectually stimulating things i've ever done. When people say it's disgusting or weird, I ask them, "well what if our society wasn't weird about it, and it was socially acceptable, I wonder if you'd have more respect for it as a job in that scenario? A lot of people couldn't do it." I view people who get in a fuss about it being sexist to actually be more sexist than any guy has ever been to me, or how my job has been. I laugh now when people say "it's a simple as waggling your tits around." because how could I not laugh? the most important thing i've learned about this job, and yes, I really consider it a job, is to have a sense of humor.
Have a sense of humor and you'll be fine.
/end rambles
So, that's my rambles. And I want to hear yours, if you've got the time or the caffeine to do so. I'd love to hear why you stick around, and what makes it rewarding or worth it to you. <3