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Outed to my parents
So, I have been dancing for five years now and I love the opportunities it has provided me and the person it has shaped me to be. I am well equipped to be self sufficient, I have fantastic interpersonal skills and have helped mentor girls through the confusing maze of managing life as a dancer. I am about to finish my degree and hope to secure a job in that field. However, recently I found out that my sisters told my parents that I am a dancer, a secret I have guarded for a long time. The reason I didn't want them to know was because I knew they would not approve and of course, they feel that they have failed as parents. When I look around at other people, I see weak, close minded individuals who simply meander through life, stumbling along the lines of that which is seen as socially acceptable. How can this be a measure of success? Do you measure someone by their ability to conform or have the courage to be themselves and proud? I feel so disheartened that people can be so judgemental of others and measure a person by what they do in life. I have achieved so many positive outcomes whilst working as a dancer (a job I love by the way), yet I am struggling to know how to deal with the fact that they know, and have not said anything, and the possibility of broaching this conversation in the near future.
What do I say to make them think this is ok? I feel that I should not have to justify myself as I have absolutely no regrets about my life and I am proud of the person I have become. I do not believe that dancing is degrading, in fact I find it empowering to have a positive influence on the lives of others. Why can't anyone else see this?
Any stories about "coming out" or "being outed" would be sincerely appreciated. I love the sisterhood I have had with many dancers over the years and would continue to be grateful to find strength and support in the beautiful, strong women on this forum.
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Re: Outed to my parents
Thank you for your post. I found that perspective very helpful. I agree with what you said about sometimes having to justify ourselves.
Thanks :)
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Re: Outed to my parents
I came out to my mom when I was 32. In retrospect I wish I hadn't because she was from another generation and like you said...you can't MAKE someone accept what you do.
Luckily, she loved me even though she didn't approve of what I was doing.
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Re: Outed to my parents
You said this: "I feel so disheartened that people can be so judgemental of others and measure a person by what they do in life."
The way through this is that you teach people how to view you. If you really think that you've been empowered and your life is awesome because of your job choice, then be proud and put that through your actions to others. Eventually it's a case of "faking it til you make it."
I don't know if I read it in an article or from someone on here, so I apologize if I butcher the telling but someone said that as a porn star (I think) who somehow got involved in a media circus, her family had to circle the wagons and repeat the same line over and over again to newspeople that they were proud of their daughter and they would always love and support her choices, even though privately they didn't really approve of her life in the adult industry. BUT, after awhile of repeating it to others, it eventually got to the point where they really did love and support their daughter's choices and were very accepting of her work in private as well as publicly.
So fake it til you make it, girl. Hold your head up high, address this situation asap because that's what a woman of worth would do who has no shame, and don't wheedle or complain to your parents about wanting them to be open-minded. They raised YOU to be open-minded, right? Be prepared for the confusion and possible hurt, but also be prepared to lead them by your example that this has been such a wonderful opportunity for you and given you both concrete and intangible things that are going to catapult you way farther than the adult industry, or definitely way farther than you would have been before you joined the adult industry.
I think the older generation understands hard work and putting in your time. That's what you did here. What they can't seem to wrap their minds around is that we enjoy(ed) it-and it's up to you how you want to phrase it, but definitely highlight that you've made really beautiful female connections with other females starting out so they don't think it's just you going in like a robot and grinding on one lap and then another, like it's some sort of lap dance factory line.
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Re: Outed to my parents
Thank you BANHammerGoddess for your input. I really value what you had to say about this issue and I believe it will shape the way I approach them about it. Hopefully with a partially positive outcome :)
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Re: Outed to my parents
I think the fact that they know but haven't said anything yet may be a good sign. If they were enraged about it, they would've blown up at you the second they heard it. Depending on how long it's been since they were told, maybe they are already on their way to accepting it, and you telling them how you feel about it and feeling empowered might give that extra push. Maybe not right away... when people are upset about something they've always had a narrow view on, they seem to reject a new idea about it the instant it's given. But over time, as it permeates and they dwell on it, they could start to see things differently.
Also, why did you sisters tell your secret? Depending on how close you are to them (I'm assuming relatively close since you told them you dance), I would want to have that conversation too... why would they break your trust like that? Your whole family may need to have a sit-down about this. But I agree with the statements above - people react to information about you and treat you based on how you present yourself. If you act ashamed, they will treat you like a shameful secret. If you act empowered and confident and logical in your reasoning and decisions, they will have to respect that, and it usually isn't as big of a deal. Good luck!
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Re: Outed to my parents
I have a great story I'll post later tonight when I have time...my coming out a couple years ago was...traumatic to say the least. But...to steal the cliche phrase...it gets better! The experience left some scars that are still healing (my family was/is super conservative and religeous and their reaction was borderline psycho), but you will be fine eventually, and so will your family, with a lot of hard work and a bit of faith. Stay strong, that was one of the trickiest times in my life to date but now I feel like I can take on the world because I got through it :) Hugs! Talk soon!
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Re: Outed to my parents
Sorry for that delay, thanksgiving this weekend and I'm busybusybusy! I think it is good they haven't confronted you about it yet. When my parents found out what I was doing it was like...ridiculous...had an intervention type thing with the church pastor, dad came home from work early, mom is losing it bawling her eyes out, etc. Their first reaction was to think that I needed to be put in a mental institution. They thought I was "on drugs" etc. Because girls only get naked if they're crazy. Not to pay rent groceries etc...riiiiggght. Anyways, I basically told them I was doing it so I could continue going to school in another city. It took a while (a couple months) for the crazy to die down, but it eventually did. Here's what worked and didn't work for me, navigating this crazy life experience!
Things that didn't work:
-trying to explain to them why I liked my job: they just didn't want to hear it and bringing up the subject always did more harm than good. Some people you must agree to disagree with, your values and opinions will just never be the same and it's best to just live and let live. It's worth a shot to try and explain your reasoning I think. But if it doesn't work, or causes more problems, don't bring it up again and open old wounds.
-Getting mad at them for being "intolerant" or "biggoted". Being intolerant of intolerance is great but it's also kind of like trying to fight fire with fire. Just don't.
-Family therapy. This woman made me feel like shit, because SHE managed to get through her pysch degree with a kid and waiting tables, she's one of those that even the whole "my dad lost his job and I wanted to stay in school so I got naked" point went right over her head. And all my father would contribute to the discussion was that "he didn't want me doing that". Super useless. Unless your parents are open minded people that are willing to discuss and you can find a therapist that's more open to sex work ---that is important---unless you find someone like this trying this option will more than likely end up being an hour long session of group rag-on-the-stripper therapy. Helpful for everyone else to build up their egos with. Pretty detrimental to you.
-Running away. You will need to face these issues with them eventually. I ran from them for a good year. Avoided talking and seeing my parents as much as possible. All this does is repress the issues you and them have. Deal with them, now, while they are fresh, no matter how hard it is.
Things that Worked:
-Telling them you quit. This is kind of the "if all else fails" option. Reserved for closed minded people. I agree with you that people should be given merrit for courage, but most people still unfortunately give merrit for conformity. It sucks. Get mad about it, it's stupid. But it is still how most people think. After a few months of trying to get your parents to understand and constantly fighting/being in conflict with them, it just becomes to exhausting to continue "being yourself". This drained me so much it affected my grades in school, I got severely depressed, gained a bunch of weight, and eventually stopped working entirely because I just felt SO SHITTY about everything. If nothing else works, just tell them you stopped and don't talk about it again. It's not their business anyway. The downside is you need to be super careful and cautious afterwards to keep the fire from re-igniting
-Coming to peace with your stripper identity. If you have ANY and I mean ANY qualms about dancing. No matter how deep down, be prepared for these insecurities to surface over the next little while due to this conflict. It's one thing to be confident and assured about something on your own, but adding in known negative opinions others have on the matter, especially loved ones, can cause a bit of questioning and cognitive dissonance that you will need to wade through. A therapist may be very helpful here if you have insurance/can afford one. Again, one who is open minded or sex positive is key.
Trust was not there for a couple years afterwards on both our parts. They didn't trust me because I lied to them, I couldn't trust them to provide for me when they said they would, hence the whole reason I started dancing to begin with. I still don't trust them a lot. But trust has always been kind of fucked up in our family. It takes a long time to build that up again, no matter how much or how little. I debated cutting my family out because of all the problems this conflict caused in my life but...that's not exactly an easy decision and sometimes a fake relationship with your family is better than no relationship.
Good luck with all this, if you want to talk feel free to pm me :)
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Re: Outed to my parents
Odette-- loved this line the most: " I agree with you that people should be given merrit for courage, but most people still unfortunately give merrit for conformity."