Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Years ago I had a roommate who was a dancer and she frequented this forum and she told me about it and I actually learned quite a bit from reading various posts. Anyways, I'm in an interesting situation right now and I can't ask anyone I know for advice, so I thought I'd give this a try. And yeah, I know how desperate this sounds.
So, I'm looking for a lady who can be upfront and hear me out and give me an analysis I guess of my situation and help me find out where I stand and how to let her know what I'd like. Just a heads up, I'm not looking for tips on how to get her in bed or anything along those lines. I definitely need some general tips as well, especially with texting.
Obviously, since this would take up your time I'd be more than willing to compensate you for your time and help. (I actually considered using one of those PUA service for a phone consultation.) Oh, and I'd be fine if we just used email to communicate, or whatever is best for you.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Oh man this is going to be interesting...
I know you want advice from women, but I will tell you one thing about texting women, and if you are smart you will listen.
Never text a woman you don't know very well more than once, unless she replies. Keep the numbers of texts going each way even, or better yet let her text you more if she is inclined to do so. Same rule as with phone calls. Keep the texts short and cool.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Quote:
Originally Posted by
MrSmith
Years ago I had a roommate who was a dancer and she frequented this forum and she told me about it and I actually learned quite a bit from reading various posts. Anyways, I'm in an interesting situation right now and I can't ask anyone I know for advice, so I thought I'd give this a try. And yeah, I know how desperate this sounds.
So, I'm looking for a lady who can be upfront and hear me out and give me an analysis I guess of my situation and help me find out where I stand and how to let her know what I'd like. Just a heads up, I'm not looking for tips on how to get her in bed or anything along those lines. I definitely need some general tips as well, especially with texting.
Obviously, since this would take up your time I'd be more than willing to compensate you for your time and help. (I actually considered using one of those PUA service for a phone consultation.) Oh, and I'd be fine if we just used email to communicate, or whatever is best for you.
For tips/help with texting try this forum instead
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/forumdisplay.php?f=19
they are always helping guys with texting women. Here is one example thread.
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=159083621
There is also the relationship section, they will help you free of charge.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
I really appreciate the tips. The thing is, texting isn’t the main thing. As far as texts go, my biggest problem is that given the industry I work in I need to reply to all calls, texts and emails ASAP and they almost always require a long reply. So, this has carried off into my personal life. Most people who know me know this by now. Another thing is, again because of my job, I almost always have a serious tone in my writing. It doesn’t help that I’m very facetious and, again, people who know me understand my dry sense of humor, but people who just met me usually find it offensive or just don't find it funny. With that said, the one thing I do have going for me is that I know when women don’t want to talk, either if they are busy or just not interested, and I also don’t text often or turn it into a long conversation.
I guess I’ll just post what I’d like help with. (If anyone wants to chime in with advice on here instead of through email or PMs, I’ll throw in an Amazon gift card or something for everyone who helps as a thank you.)
So, a few friends flew me down as a surprise birthday gift to their city. Second night out one of their friends pointed out a girl who he said was notorious for being materialistic, used everyone, had numerous sugar daddies and she had been recently posted on a site, that I won’t mention, but some of you may know that makes it very easy to “out” people.
This was early on in the night and later on, for some reason, I went and started talking to her. She was fun to party with and nice so we exchanged numbers and I told her to come to where we were going the next night. The next night after drinking and dancing some guy sent her a text about her on that site and she got pissed. We ended up in the corner of the club (no one was around and it wasn’t that loud) and ended up drinking and talking the entire night. She opened up about her past, arrangements she had, sexual experiences… it was seriously the most fucked up conversation of my life, but in a weird way we clicked because we didn’t judge each other.
We couldn’t meet up again before I left because she works at a club. We basically just texted each other typical banter stuff until she went away with one of her sugar daddies on a trip. She started sharing a lot of personal shit with me about her past, insecurities, details on her arrangement with the guy she was with (how much she gets paid, what she does) and some of the things she said genuinely got me to. (I’m not emotional, but I’m not a cold hearted asshole either.) And she did this on her own accord… I hadn’t asked any questions about her arrangement and still haven’t. I genuinely appreciate the fact that she trusted me with all this, especially given the fact that I could have easily posted her on “that site”… So, in my head, I thought I’d open up to her by telling her some private things about my life that would comfort her and make her feel better. I’m generally very private, but felt that opening up to her would show her that I appreciated her trusting me, which I really did.
We’ve been talking since October (we don’t live near one another and with my job I can’t even take a few days off) mainly by texts and some FaceTime thrown in when we can. With the way she talks and acts (her texts basically started mimicking the way I type) and the things she says (no clue if she’s being genuine or just nice) I can’t tell where I stand. I mean, I told her I found it funny that we clicked so well given how we have nothing in common and like the exact opposite things and that’s the only time she genuinely got upset at me and went out of her way to point out that she liked the same things I did.
I have no clue if I’m just that guy she turns to for emotional support or if there may be more. I also, obviously, don’t want to come out and ask her.
Never ran into this type of situation because my intensions are pretty clear about what I want with women from the start…
Also, I’m not rich by any means but I got lucky and landed a really well paying job right out of school. Even if I did, it wouldn’t really impress her. Aside from paying all her expenses, leasing her car for her, buying her gifts (this alone amounts to more than 5k a month) she also gets an allowance from him that is just a little less than I make in a month. So she knows I’m not loaded.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
I hear you on the writing style. Most women will run screaming if you write to them at any length whatsoever, or worse yet in a remotely academic fashion. Much better to act like these douchebags in the music videos, and be functionally illiterate. They love that shit. :D
Maybe you can't tell where you stand because she doesn't know where the hell you stand either. If you got anywhere with her, it was by not really giving a fuck and not trying. So don't start 'trying' now or you will definitely blow it.
Normally these kinds of threads are a waste of time, the guys are losers and the girls are playing them. If half of what you say is true, there might really be some kind of connection. But you are paying with fire man. Beware...
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
^ i personally love it when a guy speaks proper english and sends long texts..beats the hell out of " k" and "lol yup" and "sure". that drives me crazy and is a one way ticket to me not speaking to you anymore! ick, some women you've met really like those kinds of douchebags?
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Sorry to say, the vast majority of women I have met in many long years will gush all over the illiterate douchebags every time. But much of that time was in Daytona Beach. And I grew up in working class Detroit. :D
Also, the intelligence/literacy level amongst both male and female club staff in the last 14 years has not been impressive, and that's putting it very mildly. Present company excepted of course.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
I would be inclined to say that she is interested, given that she got upset when you tried to say you two had nothing in common. She may be thinking she can't have a real relationship with you or show further interest due to her other "arrangements"... whether she feels you won't like it or that the SD won't like it.
And I'm going to second what Simone said, I cannot STAND illiterate texting. If a guy types like "R U busy Sat?" I will immediately exile him to the never-ever-dating pile.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
I'd say your on the right path as is. She may like you , she may not fully grasp how much completely, but your presence seems to be valuable enough. I would not recommend trying to change any approaches as what you are doing seems to mean a lot to her. I'd say now its just a matter of building on that foundation.
Im attracted to intellectually well to do people, so with me a well put together text is a must
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Simone, Selina, Morrigan...it is great to see the exceptions. I am very happy to say I've known a few over the years.
I blame the TV culture, and especially music videos. When the kids are formulating their concept of romantic or flirtation behavior, they are getting nothing but crap like 'Nigga I ain't worried about nothin' repeated 50 times, and that's the fucking song. And the 'singers' are deluged in pussy lol.
The young guys I see getting the most action in the last decade or so are far from articulate. But my current environment, or that prevalent in the entire state of Florida, and most of the rest of the USA as far as I can tell, is a far cry from where I went to college in Chicago.
MrSmith sorry to jack your thread just now, but my advice is that you don't really need any advice--just keep doing what you did before and stop worrying about it at all costs.
;D
I still think you are playing with fire though.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
I appreciate all the help.
Personally, I can't use abbreviations; things like "lol", at least not often; and I have very rarely used emoticons, unless it actually somewhat adds to the text, for example if I'm being sarcastic and want to make it clear. This has a lot to do with my schooling and work.
I definitely think I'm over my head, just for the fact that I've never been in a situation like this and because I use texts messages to women to make sure they don't forget me and to just build little inside jokes and what not to make things easier when we meet. And obviously, I've used it to kill time and to make plans.
The way I see it there are two things that can happen in a worst case scenario: we stay friends (I've got no problem with this) or we just stop talking. If we just stop talking, then I can go back and just... analyze things and see where I messed up. This can actually be a good thing especially since my "text game" is admittingly awful. (It's weird how I'm decent at flirting with women in person yet I can't do it over text to save my life.)
I'll keep checking this thread. Anyone who chimed in can hit me up in my inbox and I'd be more than happy to compensate you for your help.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Quote:
Originally Posted by
MrSmith
... analyze things and see where I messed up.
You only mess up when you think you need to go back and check if you messed up. There is no such thing if your heart is in the right place. If she takes it the wrong way, SHE fucking messed up. Never forget that, and you can't go wrong.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Dear God. I'm sorry to say it, but I might be the single most qualified person on earth to respond to this, just ask my wife or any of our friends, LMAO.
First - realize and accept that you are, in fact, friend zoned. With this kind of situation that status is more flexible than most - but it is what it is. I can give you literally dozens of examples from my life and people I know, lol. Which leads us to...
Second - realize that that's probably for the best. Look - this girl might be dreamy. She might be everything you could ever hope for and more, and you could be her soulmate as well. You could live happily ever after. It could happen. Do you play Powerball Lotto?
Girls like this are very complicatedly simple. And the short version is - you'll make yourself insane trying to understand her motivations, because half the time SHE DOESN'T KNOW THEM EITHER. She knows what she wants - sorta. She knows what she needs - sometimes. What she DOES know, is what she's doing right now, in the moment, for whatever reason she's doing it - and that won't change for a very, very long time. She'll talk to you and open up to you and share her deepest darkest secrets and desires and wants. She'll cry to you. Mostly, she'll start to bitch to you about other guys, if she hasn't already - be ready. And you'll wonder why she's messing with them when you're there, and you'll probably start a thread about it after this one, lol.
Just be her friend, and put everything you might think or want with her on a shelf labeled "maybe someday but probably not". And don't look at it again unless she brings it up, and WHEN she brings it up, only look at it casually. Because...
3rd - you can't handle dating her.
I don't know you. I don't know her. But I'm really good at this, and you've given us a lot to go on, so I'm more than pretty confident in my assessment here. The VAST majority of guys can't handle dating a dancer who has her head on straight, much less one of the actually crazy ones. They THINK they can - they rationalize it all in their head and it seems fine. But the reality is VERY different. Trust me - read old threads here from guys looking to date a girl they met in a club, or even better - go to life suppor and read what girls here say about the men in their lives. Things will start to mess with your head if you're not used to how they make a living, and as I said - that's the clean "by the book" dancers and even cam girls. You have to turn off a part of your brain that instinctively gets jealous - and you have to trust that her work brain and her relationship brain are separate. And 99.9% of guys cant do this for very long. ESPECIALLY if she has issues, is into drugs, does or has in the past performed sex for money, etc. It'll eat at you. And most importantly...
If you have even a TRACE of "I'll take her away from all this" white knight syndrome - just stop. It makes sense in your head. It'll never work out. Guys like that expect these girls to magically open their eyes and see the value of what they have to offer. Don't for one second think you're the only one that's offered it, and don't think for one second that if ou land a girl like that that other guys will stop offering - or that she'll stop either using them or considering their offers. ANd you'll sense this, and you'll go crazy.
If you can't accept getting involved with a girl that continues to do everything she's shared that she does and has done (yeah, it's in the past, uh huh...) WHILE YOU'RE WITH HER - just ditch the delusions and save both of you a LOT of drama down the road. Continue to be her friend. Enjoy being something special to her. IF - and that's a HUGE if - something comes of it, keep your caution hat on, because the ride isn't over yet. Most of the time when these situations DO end up with something coming of it, it dies fast and awkwardly. The reality doesn't match up to what either of you expected, and it's a jarring realization.
Other than that - just do what you're doing. WHo you are and how you text is who she opened up to; why change it? Everything I said above just comes down to this: keep it friendly, and MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Hope that helped...
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
I agree with Djoser & AJ, chemistry is natural & if she doesn't see you’re different than the guys that pay her to hang, move on. Nothing a member here can teach you to change that & like AJ said, not many guys can deal with the emotions involved.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Lol. Almost Jaded, your "girls like this are very complicatedly simple" line got a serious yell-laugh out of me, so thank you.
Don't want to keep bumping this thread, so I won't reply after this. (Not being an asshole or saying I won't check it or appreciate what people write.) I probably didn't make it too clear that she works at a club as a bottle server, not a strip club. Also, main reason I wanted to basically pay someone to help me, is because there are some personal aspects to the story that I just don't feel comfortable sharing on a public forum. Yeah, that's kind of hypocritical of me seeing as how I posted everything that I have so far. It's about my personal situation. Plus, I think it'd be easier for me to share it with someone who I'll most likely never meet. I also posted here because I've had a few roommates who were dancer and not only did I obviously learn a lot about women, dating, and sex from them, but more importantly they were always upfront with me and didn't BS. This is something that I loved about them. I've also been in different relationships and I've messed up in the majority of them, but, in a fucked up way, I knew I was messing up. Anyways... That's beyond the point. At this point, if it's not already obvious, I was just desperate for advice because I've only felt this way about two other women and both of them ended up with us being in relationships that lasted 2+ years. What is throwing me off about this situation is mainly that it's long distance and no guy can escalate a relationship to the next level over texts and phone calls; maybe some men can but I definitely can't. Also, I can't gauge anything with her.
I probably have less game than even the average guy and I'll admit that the only reason I've been somewhat good with women is because I can use my humour, silliness, and the little bit of charm that I have to my benefit... in person... It's because of this that she even kept talking to me when I first approached her...
Besides once in high school and once in college I've never asked a woman "where is this going/what do you want out of this" yet that exactly what I want to ask her. I'm fine if I end up in the friend zone and obviously I'd be ecstatic if she genuinely says she seeing something more happening. I just can't bring myself to put that burden on her and equally fear scaring her off.
Re: Looking to Hire a Relationship Counselor
Mr. Smith, I have no advice to offer on texting and relationship building. I do have to say that I'm dying to know what happens. Your story is very compelling and romantic, and I truly hope you get the girl.