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Having male friends while married.
My husband absolutely hates my best guy friend.
The friend and i have kept in touch over the last 12 years (met when i was like 10)
and have had an off and on friendship, he actually introduced me to my husband,
Weve been talking more lately, and i really enjoy the conversation.
Sometimes he calls me hun, or pretty, or just little things like that and my husband blows up.
We use to have sleep overs with conversations and cuddling, before me and my husband got serious
but never had sex, or even been together relationship wise.
My husband would prefer i just give up this 1000 year old friendship, but it would break me to do so.
What would you do?
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Is there no way to compromise on this? For example, you & your hubby double-date w/ your friend & his SO or another female friend.
Do you & the friend live in the same area? There's always phone calls. Idk just throwing things out here ...
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Re: Having male friends while married.
My friend is single, Probably not the best thing, but hes never made any advances sex wise towards me.
I feel like the only compramise my husband is willing to make is i stop talking to him. I hate to be that girl but
i dont get allong well with many people, and i just ignore my husbands request.
Ive been with my husband since i was 14, And ive only ever slept with him. He knows im not a cheater
but he still dosnt trust me to be alone with my guy friend/s.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Just from the little you have said here I think your husband is out of line. His idea of compromise sounds more like 'his way or the highway.'
I would still invite him along anytime you are planning to go out w/ your friend, purely for his benefit since why would you be inviting him to come if you are trying to sneak around? Is it that he does not trust you, or he does not trust your friend? Either way I still think he needs to give a little here too.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Whether or not your husband is out of line with his request, you have to decide if the friendship is worth causing some potentially very serious marital problems. My husband has never had much of an issue with my guy friends, I have the feeling he isn't crazy about one of them but he just tags along when we hang out, which is fine by me.
I have on several occasions asked him to stop talking to a few of his chick friends. I am one, I know how we think and I was right to ask each time. Every single one of them tried something with him, one of them even tried to sabotage our wedding.. poorly.
In my relationship I would tend to stop talking to someone if it really bothered my husband, but I know he isn't a jealous person and wouldn't ask without reason. So, is your husband typically jealous, or is it just this particular friendship he has an issue with? If it's the latter he may know something you don't.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
I don't want to be an asshole, and there's no nice way to put this - please don't shoot the messenger...
IF everything you're saying is true, and IF you've never cheated on your hubby, than the textbook explanation for your hubby's behavior is - he's cheating. Insecure guys are insecure, and close friends of the opposite sex can be threatening. But something isn't right here, assuming that we know the whole story.
Now it *could* very well be that your hubby just knows the guy and knows he has a thing for you and knows how guys are, and is overreacting. But even in that instance, getting that upset is out of line. A relationship is built on trust. If he doesn't trust you in this very simple situation, something is wrong, and it goes beyond basic insecure guy stuff.
I hate to say it, but anyone who knows anything in these situations will tell you - very often when a partner overreacts to "competition" at the level you're describing here, it's because their own behavior undermines their ability to trust, i.e., they're cheating or doing SOMETHING, and a guilty conscience tells them "if you can do it so can he/she". They know the lies and coverups they've used and start to suspect you're doing the same. The big exception is - are you a known liar? If you have a habit of lying to your partner about little things, you undermine your ability to build trust on the big ones.
Either way - you need to work it out with him. MM has many close male friends. One of whom has a MAD crush on her, and I know it, and I know she has a little flame for him, too. I also trust her not to act on it, or to tell me if she ever really feels the need to or "accidentally" does. Anyone who's secure in their relationship won't react THAT poorly. Something else is at play here.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Almost Jaded
I don't want to be an asshole, and there's no nice way to put this - please don't shoot the messenger...
IF everything you're saying is true, and IF you've never cheated on your hubby, than the textbook explanation for your hubby's behavior is - he's cheating. Insecure guys are insecure, and close friends of the opposite sex can be threatening. But something isn't right here, assuming that we know the whole story.
Now it *could* very well be that your hubby just knows the guy and knows he has a thing for you and knows how guys are, and is overreacting. But even in that instance, getting that upset is out of line. A relationship is built on trust. If he doesn't trust you in this very simple situation, something is wrong, and it goes beyond basic insecure guy stuff.
I hate to say it, but anyone who knows anything in these situations will tell you - very often when a partner overreacts to "competition" at the level you're describing here, it's because their own behavior undermines their ability to trust, i.e., they're cheating or doing SOMETHING, and a guilty conscience tells them "if you can do it so can he/she". They know the lies and coverups they've used and start to suspect you're doing the same. The big exception is - are you a known liar? If you have a habit of lying to your partner about little things, you undermine your ability to build trust on the big ones.
Either way - you need to work it out with him. MM has many close male friends. One of whom has a MAD crush on her, and I know it, and I know she has a little flame for him, too. I also trust her not to act on it, or to tell me if she ever really feels the need to or "accidentally" does. Anyone who's secure in their relationship won't react THAT poorly. Something else is at play here.
Just to throw some perspective - Buffygirl (BTW, love the name, if it's a reference to the TV series), does your hubby hate the fact you are with him ONLY or just any guy friends? If it's everyone, then there's a trust issue on his part, like Aniela & Almost Jaded refer to.
If it's just that guy, then I think you have to explore more why - if this is the only guy he's unhappy about, if you've been married as long as it seems, then I'm more with AureliaC's explanation on him sensing something you either don't sense at all, or have a blind spot to. The normal answer is that your hubby's radar is screaming here, and he won't outright tell you (or you've ignored it, if he has). Either way, the fact he won't tell you (or if he has, you've ignored it) - you have to address this, if this isn't a repeated pattern with every male friend you have. Something has to be different in that case.
I can only say being on the opposite side, my ex didn't like two women who were my friends (and I've had 4-5 others she was fine with) - and in one case, I had the crush (but didn't act on it), and in the 2nd, that friend had something for me. I have to give credit that her radar was spot on - which does develop when you've been together for years. Now, if your hubby is this way with every male friend, then he's clearly got trust issues that you two have to sort out (i.e. he has to work on it, you have to stand up for yourself). But, before you do anything, it's always best to do a personal double-check. I would ask two questions to really think hard about:
1. Is there a reason your guy friend and you are talking more of late?
2. More to the point - are you two sharing stuff that you don't with your husband, stuff that's very personal to you?
For Question #1, if you & your husband aren't spending much time together, then he clearly would notice more time with your friend. If the answer is yes to the last question, then you're doing things with him you are not with your husband - imagine how that would feel on the other shoe. If either question gives an answer you wouldn't like if the sides were reversed, I think you should accept the fact that your husband has a legitimate reason to be threatened.
But, if you can honestly say no to either #1 or #2, or your hubby is always this way with EVERY guy, then yes, it's mostly his problem. When it comes to marriage, it's rarely ALL on one person. I can honestly say I know I gave cause to my ex for our issues (as she did as well). The truth, as always, usually lies somewhere in between. The issue is regardless, how you try and deal with your end, and work with your SO to move forward. In that respect, getting him to lay his cards all on the table, and being honest with yourself on why you're spending more time with him, might help make this a discussion where you can address what's really threatening him. Of course, if he's this way with every male friend, then you have to let him know trust is a 2-way street, and he should trust you - if he's 30+ years old, I'm not as hopeful, but if you love him, this should be addressed directly for what it is. The first step, though, is seeing what the core issue is - the friend alone, or a repeated pattern with your husband. Best of luck.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
my boyfriend ( we aren't married but we had lived together for over two years now) doesn't mind if i hang with a male friend as long as the guy isn't looking for more. i have an old male friend who is now married, i've never slept with and who never hits on me and that's fine..he has a problem with another one of my male friends who is always making little sexual comments and seems to be looking for more than friendship. and that's totally understandable to me.
does your friend respect that fact that you are already taken? or does your husband act this way with ALL guys? i guess im echoing gocanucks in that maybe he's insecure or maybe its just that friend with all his " pretty" and "hun" comments.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
hey glad to see you back on the forum! a question no one has asked yet but i think has merit: is your friend even straight?? The reason Im asking is, well lots of gay or bi friends wil call me hun, or pretty, or a variety of affectionate nicknames.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
I think the husband is unreasonable if it is strictly friendship. Oh you may think it strictly is but he may not. I speak from experience because I had some male friends who boyfriends didn't want me getting together with. Long story short most of these friends were really looking to get in my pants and "waiting" for their turn. I have several male friends and most are strictly platonic where they are married and I have no interest in them (or are friends with their wives too), or are gay. I do have a male friend who I hang out with more and more at events and there is an attraction there (at least on my part, not sure how he feels)so I know if we don't get together and one of us does find someone else I think things will really cool down.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
My friend is very straight. Although he is celebrate (for reasons i think might be more complicated).
My husband isnt cheating, I know, i sound like all girlfriends, but we both work from home and the only one who goes out
is me (hes a home body and kinda lame) lol.
Neither of us are cheaters, weve both made a point to only be with each other.
The main thing i left out is, i had a pretty big crush on this guy.... 10 years ago. lol
My husband cant seem to let this go... Its what started our friendship. Even though thats long over.
Heres the fault on my part, I snuck out of the house a few nights ago to go see my friend...
I was board and didnt want to set home all night, so i just left. I knew it would be easier not to tell him
then to argue over it for hours.
I knew it would start a fight, I just didnt seem to care at the time.
Ive convinced my friend that my husband is cool with the friendship, it would actually embarrase me if he
found out my husband thinks he can tell me who to hang out with and to not hang out with..
Heres the fault on my friends side...
One time, in a drunken text, he told me he thought we should have ended up together,
and that we should have been the one together all these years.
I made the mistake of telling my husband. Ive never discussed this with my friend in person.
Theres a more clearer picture for you all. Say what you will, be brutally honest.
I would love some true third party feedback. Male or female.
I know nobody can be 100% sure if someone on the internet is honest,
so just assume everything i said is true, and ive never cheated, nor has my husband, as thats in my
head how it is.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Ahh. That makes a lot more sense. The question then becomes - why is your hubby threatened still? Talk to him about it.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
That explains everything, and I don't think he's even a little bit out of line asking you to stop hanging out with him. I firmly believe what you're truly thinking comes out when you're drunk, and if it isn't just friendship he's really wanting then I get your husband's issue. He doesn't have to feel threatened to not want you hanging out, for all he knows the guy could get drunk enough he just takes what he wants. It happened to me.
I get not wanting to let go of one of the few friends you have, I really do, but this is your marriage. It is the most important relationship you have, and your husband has a real reason for not liking this guy. Not worth it, and if he finds out you've been "sneaking out" as you put it to see your friend, how the hell is that going to look? About a million times worse than if you'd just told him you wanted to go out and went through the fight. Like thinking you're cheating and divorcing you worse, don't do it.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
AureliaC
That explains everything, and I don't think he's even a little bit out of line asking you to stop hanging out with him. I firmly believe what you're truly thinking comes out when you're drunk, and if it isn't just friendship he's really wanting then I get your husband's issue. He doesn't have to feel threatened to not want you hanging out, for all he knows the guy could get drunk enough he just takes what he wants. It happened to me.
I get not wanting to let go of one of the few friends you have, I really do, but this is your marriage. It is the most important relationship you have, and your husband has a real reason for not liking this guy. Not worth it, and if he finds out you've been "sneaking out" as you put it to see your friend, how the hell is that going to look? About a million times worse than if you'd just told him you wanted to go out and went through the fight. Like thinking you're cheating and divorcing you worse, don't do it.
Can't really add anything more here than AureliaC posted. I agree your husband isn't out of line - and I'd echo the question of of why you've been sneaking out more. There's something you 2 really need to address if you really want to help your marriage - before it gets to a point it's more than just sneaking out. I don't necessarily mean you have to decide to tell him EVERYTHING right away, but you do need to figure out why you want to go out more with your friend. And you have to be honest - knowing how your friend really feels deep-down inside, are you tempted? You say you aren't, but you also know how he feels. Not judging at all - I was in the same boat many years ago with those 2 friends of mine I mentioned.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
What you do is not marry jealous insecure men, but its a bit late for that. At this point the only thing you can do is tell him to suck it up.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
How well does your husband know your friend? I'm not saying they need to become best-buds or anything, but I find it strange that they never seem to cross paths. If you're married, and this friend is a big part of your life, shouldn't these two important people know each other better? Regardless of what's "really" going on or not, I would be upset too if my partner was hanging out with someone who they think is so important but never wanted all of us to spend time together or for me to bond with them one-on-one. I think true friends meet their friends' significant others and make an effort to be their friend too, if even on the shallowest level.
Right now, your husband seems to not know your friend very well besides knowing that he used to, and probably still does, carry a torch for you, and you're sneaking around behind his back to see this person that he already feels is trying to threaten your relationship. If the situation was reversed with a female friend of his... wouldn't you be pissed too? I certainly would - actually, I know I would because I speak from experience on the opposite side of the situation. Everything told me that my bf wasn't actually cheating on me, but his needy ex would not make an effort to even speak to me, and he would sneak around and not tell me when he was hanging out her because he "didn't want to upset me." To this day, I don't think anything more than him just being a coward about conflict was going on, but it always made me mad. If he had just told me when she was going to be around, instead of lying about it only to have me figure it out later, and talked to her about how it was important that she make an effort to be civil with me, it never would have been the dramafest that it ended up being for 2 freakin' years. Not being upfront about everything, and not making an effort to reconcile these two important people just makes it look like you care more about your friend than your partner. You'd rather upset your husband than ask your friend to make an effort to help you settle things. I'm not saying that's how you actually feel, but that's certainly what it feels and looks like from the other side.
I think you need to stop sneaking around, no matter how pure you know your intentions are, ask your husband exactly why he has a problem with this particular friend so you know exactly where he's coming from, and ask your friend to make an effort to get closer to your husband and clear things up. If he wants you in his life so badly as just a friend, he will make an effort to show your husband he's not a threat by talking to him directly instead of putting you in this awkward middle position of trying to say "he's not a threat!" but your husband has nothing to go off in terms of his personality except what you tell him, because your friend doesn't talk to him.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Buffy I'm 18 years married. I gotta tell you a guy whom you have a genuinely feelings for, like, trust and find attractive is way more threatening to a marriage than a guy who you were balling but with those things missing. If things start to go bad in your marriage, and in every marriage there will be bad times, this is the guy who you will easily fall into an affair with. And meanwhile during all those moments where one or both of you doesn't think you made this right choice he could and probably will be an undermining influence. In life everything is a situation, temptation plus a way to act on that temptation. There is a terrific movie called "Everybody's All-American" which has this kind of relationship between the Donnie (Tim Hutton) and Babs (Jessica Lange) characters. So I don't think your husband is wrong to worry. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair )
On the bright side, there were good reasons you didn't get together with the friend and the moment you started sleeping together say ten years from now those will pop right back within a month. Arguably mr. good friend is more a threat when you aren't having sex and he get's to be the dream of "what-if" then if you were and he were a real live option whom you could compare side-by-side. He's more of a good candidate for your second husband now then he will be after if anything happens.
That being said, as a couple you have decide if you can make these kinds of demands on one another. He's asking for a big sacrifice. Not the kinds of sacrifices that kids or a house demand but maybe kinda close. My advice FWIW is to have another talk with your husband where you stop pretending that lining up a candidate for your second husband is no big deal. It is big deal. But what's done is done. Setup realistic ground rules about this relationship you intend to keep, make a realistic agreement about how you interact that you both think is fair. Tell him to talk to a trusted friend of his about this and get that person's input. Ultimately either you can work through these kinds of problems or you two don't just trust each other another enough for the many worse problems that lie ahead. And if that's the case then Mr. Friend is the symptom not the disease.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Married 10, and majority of my wife's friends are male , majority of mine are female ( and mind you Ive only been out as a T-girl a very short time) Was this ever an issue? absolutely not. Why? Trust, understanding, communication. I know she cant tolerate most women, I cant relate to guys in the slightest, so our friends reflect that, hell Im still close to an old HS flame I was with all 4 of those years. The thing is we are a team, we are partners, we talk, we express ourselves, and we compromise and make adjustments to better compliment the other. It really is a give and take. the strongest foundations to ANY relationship is that ability. TBH to have such discomfort over who ones are friends with? its mind boggling to be honest. Insecurity alarms go off in my head, and really the only justified reason I can think that are
A) you have a history of being sorta wishy washy (but Im putting that aside and giving you the benefit of the doubt since I have no way of knowing)
B) he is ,
C) hes been burned in the past.
Though " C" I see as no excuse. baggage should never be clung to by anyone for an expended period of time anyway, its nothing more than a toxin that starts to fester and effect other aspects of ones life, and even unto that of others. How do you combat that? I'd normally say " just let it fall to the side and carry on." but Im realistic enough to know many dont have that discipline - this is where your ability to actually BE partners and a team comes in. Without that? I honestly dont see things progressing for the better or coming to a nice middle ground and or understanding anytime soon, if at all...and not just in this situation.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Wait a sec...You're a stripper (cam girl) and your husband is jealous that you are talking with a man in a completely platonic relationship?
I think you and your husband need to have a heart to heart about what exactly is going on with him. To me, it sounds like he is projecting his dislike of your career choice on another area of your life. It is tough being in a relationship with someone who earns their living in sex work. You two are going to have to work this out or your husband will spend your entire marriage dictating your non-work social interactions. By becoming jealous and flying into a rage, he is manipulating you into either bending to his will or lying to him about your close friends. In either case, this is bad news for the long term relationship.
Rage, jealousy, and anger are tools of manipulation. Just like the toddler who throws a temper tantrum is attempting to manipulate it's parents, he is trying to manipulate and control you. Just like a child, you need to let him "cry it out." Stand your ground and let him know that you are in control and that his behavior is unacceptable.
Warning: His rages will get worse before they get better. If he is used to getting his way by starting fights with you, he will just fight harder. The best way to handle this situation is in counseling. Your marriage may be at stake if you don't learn how to have an equal balance in your relationship.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Just to recap (correct me if I'm wrong):
1. Your husband knows you had a crush on this friend in the past, and he knows the text where same friend confessed he had a thing for you.
2. You & the friend "snuck out" to meet - and have been spending more time of late together.
3. Your answers so far seem to say your husband's problem is only with this guy, not every male friend.
I have to say I don't agree with responses that say this is your husband's problem. I totally agree with Aurora Sunset - the guy you share emotional connections is a far greater threat to your marriage than an anonymous dude you hook up with. This is way different than just having male friends.
If people are saying that there is clearly something in your marriage that needs addressing for this to be happening - I'd buy that. But this is not territory involving a bad husband that's too controlling, unless this is a repeated pattern of behavior for all of your male friends (which you say it isn't). If people are saying being cut off is too extreme - that's fair if you can find some common ground. And yes there has to be trust - but as you said, you are keeping secrets from your husband already which undermines trust - it's a 2-way street. There's a legitimate issue beyond him - he's not the problem here. I would say the same about my ex when she smelled a problem with 2 friends and not with the others (I would say even today she was right...about that issue lol) when I was in your shoes, so not looking at this just from the guy's side.
Take it from a guy in the same spot you were in - it's not just your SO's issue. But you two do need to find a solution. I would only point out if this was a guy and female friend where the friend confessed having a thing for the guy, I don't think anyone would be faulting the wife for being concerned to freaked out. I appreciate honesty when I've asked so I hope you appreciate I'm only doing the same to pay it forward.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Normally I would say it's the husband's problem and that he's insecure, but you are definitely compounding the issue by sneaking out. Simply the fact that you are willing to sneak out and be shady about this should send up red flags to your husband.
I would tell him that while the guy may still have a thing for you, it is absolutely not going anywhere, BUT I would also stop sneaking around to see the guy; if you're gonna hang out with him, tell your husband. Just telling him should make him a little more trusting I would think.
This does sound like an "emotional affair" though. You need to address your own feelings for both men if that's the case...
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Given the details you later included, OP, I find myself agreeing more w/ sm of the more recent posters. Could be your hubby is picking up on smtg in your friend that you are (willingly or not) blind to.
While I still think you should encourage your hubby to come w/ you when you go see your friend, I also think the last thing you should be doing is sneaking out to go see the guy. If you still want to continue the friendship, do it, but be upfront abt it, b/c being shady like this will just make you look like you actually have smtg to hide. May I amend my previously suggested compromise to just seeing the friend when your hubby is present? I still think that a group-outing thing would be the best way to go, even if your friend is single atm you can't possibly be his ONLY female friend, right?
Unless there is really smtg abt this guy that is giving your husband a legit reason to worry(maybe smtg has his equivalent of a stripper's 'Creep Detector' going off), I think you both need to give a bit here. He should be making the effort to get to know your friend, & FFS stop sneaking around! That will only come back to bite you in the ass.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
I didnt exactly "Sneak out" like out a window or anything.
He was asleep and i didnt bother to tell him i was leaving.
And ive worked in clubs and camming for years, hes always been great about it.
He and my friend use to be buddies, its how i met my husband.
I had a crush on my friend, when i was 11, or 12. But thats long over.
I just moved back into my hometown, where he lives, and dont have any friends here besides him.
I feel like at this point, we are both playing tug-awar, just seeing who wins. But if i sacrifice my side, i lose a friend.
I want my husband to trust me with my friend. Thats all. This guy would never do anything out of line.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
I didnt exactly "Sneak out" like out a window or anything.
He was asleep and i didnt bother to tell him i was leaving.
And ive worked in clubs and camming for years, hes always been great about it.
He and my friend use to be buddies, its how i met my husband.
I had a crush on my friend, when i was 11, or 12. But thats long over.
I just moved back into my hometown, where he lives, and dont have any friends here besides him.
I feel like at this point, we are both playing tug-awar, just seeing who wins. But if i sacrifice my side, i lose a friend.
I want my husband to trust me with my friend. Thats all. This guy would never do anything out of line.
Buffy, I get where you're coming from, I really do. I ended up giving up my friend that had feelings for me - it was hard - and my ex felt the way she does without me confirming the friend had feelings for me (but I found out later from friend it was true). I don't say this because I think you HAVE to do the same - only that I really understand how gut-wrenching it is to even think about doing that. But you do need to realize this isn't just an issue for your husband - you have some work to do here.
You said you wanted honesty - I think you're in a state of denial of how important your friend's feelings and your recent actions are, and how they're not healthy for any marriage. Whether or not you used a window or not, you still went out to see your friend, and you kept it from your husband. You also say your friend would never do anything out of line - but he's already texted you about he really feels, and your husband knows that. That line's already crossed, and there's no going back, and your husband is rightfully going to be concerned. I can't remember who it was who said it earlier, Selina/Aurora/Aniela, but I TOTALLY agree that you are more likely to express true feelings when drunk, because your guard/filters are down - and no doubt your husband gets that, too.
As Aurora, Selina & Aniela all mentioned - first, you HAVE to stop seeing your friend behind your husband's back. That is only going to make things worse. That is a full-stop, non-negotiable step to take. What you can do is explain to your husband that you have so few friends, you really want them to try and get along. Make it clear you'd like to have them both at the next social gathering, and be upfront on your husband's fears as reasonable. If you treat your husband's concerns as unreasonable, you're not going to bridge any gap. You can only point to your love for each other, your trust, balanced against the few friends you have at present. But all of that is POINTLESS if you continue to see your friend in private - you'd invalidate anything said above. That's why you have to do step #1 (no private meets) first & foremost.
I agree that the next course is to try and see if you can get them together, and in a group-like activity. It's too bad you can't even set up a double-date, but if you don't know anybody having moved back, that would be hard.
I know you'd rather hear there's nothing but your husband being unreasonable, but your own accounts give off some real red flags. It doesn't mean you can't be friends and keep your marriage strong, but doing what you've been doing isn't going to make that happen. I hope the above helps find a way.
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Re: Having male friends while married.
Let's turn the table here. I think this may be a bit of what is going through his head.
You and your husband move. He reconnects with an old female friend. They go out for dinners or drinks together, while you stay at home working. You start to feel nervous about the situation because you know this girl. You know how she felt in the past. She isn't unattractive. She spends her free time with YOUR married husband, not with other people. You try to express your feelings to your husband in a passive aggressive way, because in the end, you want him to make his own decisions. You just hope that he chooses you.
After a night out, his friend tells her that she wishes SHE could be with him. Tells your husband why SHE is better than YOU. He loves you, so he tells you. Are you going to sit there and say, "It's ok baby. I know YOU love me. I know you won't do anything with her. Go ahead and keep hanging out with a woman that wants your nuts."? No. You ask him to stop seeing her. Because he may love you, but what happens if there is a rocky time in your marriage? Who is he going to go talk to?
He tells you that he hasn't seen her in a while. Then one day, you're doing laundry. One of his shirts gets a little close to your face, and you catch a whiff of HER perfume. What is the first thought through your mind? "That cheating bastard!" not, "Well he really needs friends. I just wish it wasn't HER".
You are digging yourself a really deep hole. You really want to risk a 10 year relationship to have a friend that is, in a way, sabotaging that relationship?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
Ive convinced my friend that my husband is cool with the friendship, it would actually embarrase me if he
found out my husband thinks he can tell me who to hang out with and to not hang out with..
Has the thought crossed you mind, that you won't tell your friend about your husband's disapproval because he may try to convince you to leave him because he is 'controlling'?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
One time, in a drunken text, he told me he thought we should have ended up together,
and that we should have been the one together all these years.
I made the mistake of telling my husband. Ive never discussed this with my friend in person.
It wasn't a mistake telling your husband. He has the right to know things like this. The mistake is that you won't discuss this with your friend. HE acted inappropriately. Being drunk doesn't excuse it, it caused it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
This guy would never do anything out of line.
Too late. See my previously quoted comment? Ya, that's out of line.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
Heres the fault on my part, I snuck out of the house a few nights ago to go see my friend...
I was board and didnt want to set home all night, so i just left. I knew it would be easier not to tell him
then to argue over it for hours.
I knew it would start a fight, I just didnt seem to care at the time.
If you feel the need to sneak around, you know what you are doing is wrong. What do CHILDREN do when they are told no snacks? They quietly tiptoe to the snack jar, take a snack, and tiptoe back to their room to nom. They will keep doing this until mom catches them and punishes them. Your friend is the snack in your case. Your husband has said no to your snack, but you HAVE to have him. I don't care if you have never cheated before, but this is what cheaters DO. Sneak around until they are caught. You may not be having a physical affair with your friend, but it IS an emotional affair. A lot of time those are worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
And ive worked in clubs and camming for years, hes always been great about it.
The difference with your friend is that he has your number. Knows where you live. Knows your family (assuming since yo knew him as a kid). Knows how to make you laugh. You are willing to sneak around to see him. Has cuddled with you for free. Actually everything you do with him is for free. When it comes down to it, your husband didn't care about the club because you were doing/saying things so you could make money. What happened ITC stayed ITC and didn't have anything to do with him. You aren't forming a monetary connection with this friend, it's an emotional one. That would be threatening to any SO that cares.
Grow up. You are being selfish and childish. When you got married, it stopped being all about you. If he does this with all your friends, then you have a problem. But with the little info on THIS situation, he has every right to be worried. And it WILL bleed into future/current friendships you try to form. Stop treating your husband like his feelings don't matter. Pick one. Friend or husband. Then deal with the consequences like an adult.