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Your husband is dickhead, sorry, it's just that simple. Obviously, if you wanted to date or fuck your friend, would have already happened. Maybe your husband has extremely good qualities that balance his dickheadedness about your friend, but he is undeniably a dickhead.
(UNLESS you've ever given him valid reasons to not have trust in your honesty.)
You'll have to pick the lesser of two evils. Ending your marriage or putting up with his tantrums or sulking or whatever about your friend.
Aside from hubby jealousy, I think there are some real blips on the sketch-dar coming from you deal with your friend. Sounds like he may have a big crush on you. You have to be honest with yourself if you are flattered by that. Are you flirting a little with him just to keep the flattering crush-fire smoldering? Regardless, if he's got a crush on you, that can lead to an ugly moment when his frustration boils over.
^ how is he being a dickhead? because he doesn't want her sneaking out to see a male friend who likes to cuddle her, tell her she's pretty, flirt with her, and say that he wishes they had ended up together? i'm sorry, but if he wasn't bothered by this, that in itself would be a huge red flag imo. if the tables were turned and she was talking about her husband going out to meet his flirtatious female friends, everybody would be in an uproar.
I'm not clear on the sneaking part, that's kinda real housewives if the hubs panics because his wife stepped out while he was napping.
This friend is the LAST guy the hubs should worry about. After so many years, out of the blue, she's going to suddenly get horny/romantic feelings for him? There are reasons for the husband (or anyone) to worry this friend is going to have an ugly melt down at some point. But (if things are entirely as presented by the OP), he's a dickhead to be jealous of this guy.
It's reasonable to expect your SO to avoid people they are attracted to. It's psycho-controlling to insist your SO avoid people who are attracted to them.
I have married female friends. Some of them I find attractive and hypothetically a possible SO. I'm not going to drive myself nuts pining for the forbidden fruit, like this knucklehead seems to be. But if I did, that would be my problem, because they are not the cheating type. No reason to be jealous of an honest SO, period.
This x 1000x.
For those who keep pointing to the husband as the issue, have you read the entire tale?
I can't think of any situation if this was a husband with a female friend who confessed she wished the two of them together, where the wife would be the issue here.
Let's recap here:
1. Friend clearly texts his real feelings. Says he wishes it was them together instead of being friends.
2. Wife & friend spending time alone, and she is keeping it secret from husband.
3. Friend & husband don't interact much if at all.
4. As a kicker - the husband has NEVER had a problem with other guys or other parts of her job/life, just this guy (also knowing about friend's feelings).
Those who keep pointing to husband - this isn't an open marriage and nothing above would be justified behavior. This is totally fits the emotional affair that others have pointed to. Even if it was an open marriage, secret visits and not being upfront, and forming emotional bonds - those are out of bounds even then.
I've lived it and I have to say the assessment is dead on. I would also say denial is very easy - I was the same way until the night that friend made a move. In my case I was THIS close to giving in to my desire that I didn't realize I had. In that moment (well more after that moment), every concern raised by my ex was 100 percent true. And looking back I have to admit now what I couldn't then - part of me knew it wasn't right but loved the thrill of that extra-close connection. But in the end, realizing how out of bounds it was, and my inability to control my desires once I realized my friend really did feel that way - I ended our friendship. Hardest thing I ever did, but even though the marriage failed later on, it was the right call then. In your case, if you truly can control yourself - then MAYBE you have a shot to keep the friendship & marriage. But it begins with honesty on your part, both with yourself and with your husband AND your friend (but husband first if you are committed to this marriage).
Buffy, I have to accept that you only want friendship. But I would warn you that you are getting into deeper territory than friendship with the above behaviors. And knowing how your friend really feels sooner or later things will happen - in fact, they already have. He's crossed the line once - and your husband is entirely justified in worrying that it might happen again.
I realize there are a lot of loser and/or controlling/abusive SO out there - from what you've said this is NOT the same or frankly even close. And frankly of this was a guy & female friend with the same story, I don't think you'd see the sympathic responses to the OP/friend side. I think it's also a huge disservice to the OP to put it on the husband. All of the elements of an emotional affair are here - and dealing with it as the first issue, and not blaming the husband, is the first step to trying to find a real solution.
I'm so glad my wife & I are open. SO MUCH SIMPLER.
Ive cut communication with my friend off, as of last night.
It was getting alittle strange.
I was kind of excited to have someone from my childhood back in my life, and i was sure it was stricktly platonic...
Today, we where going to go out for dinner with a group of mutual friends, i told him i was changing clothes as i had just got home, and he
responded... "Mm, so youre running around naked".
It freaked me out, and i said, "Uh, no?!"
and he never responded.
He got the hint that he had stepped out of line..
But still.
Besides that, He had never stepped out of line, The last time we had "cuddled"... was before me and michael ever got together.
Ive only ever been with my husband.
Dated, Kissed, Blew, Sexed... Anything lol.
That was the closest thing ive ever had to an ex.
But none of that matters now, because a night of partying
made him say some creepo things, and ruined everything lol.
^^ I think it's good that you've cut things off for now. I'm usually one of the first girls on this forum to decry a man as insecure and controlling, but especially with what you've just recently posted, I don't think that's it. I disagree with the notion that it's insane to care about friends who have a thing for your SO. There's a difference between knowing that someone has a little crush on you but they never do anything about it because they respect that you're not available, and those that keep trying to cross lines. I think it's disrespectful to keep constant communication with people who disrespect your SO (and you) by not respecting your relationship.
I cut off several guy friends who crossed the line over the duration of my last relationship. And I don't regret it, or look back on it as a "what was I thinking?" moment from the relationship. I still think I did the right thing, because I felt it was disrespectful to my bf at the time for me to imply encouragement of guy friends trying to butt into my relationship by continuing to talk to them and thereby sending the message that their behavior was ok. The longer you act like it's fine, the more they push until they totally cross a line (like your dude the other night). Whether or not you would personally act on their invitation, I can't blame a SO for not liking someone who totally disrespects their position as your SO, or for wondering why you would want to keep hanging out with someone who disrespects your relationship that way.
It seems like he got the hint when you freaked out. I think you did the right thing. Maybe in the future, you can be friends again, but with clearer boundaries and rules.
I'm ABSOLUTELY against cutting off friendships for relationships, and I can't stand SO's who even bring it up. Either you trust your partner, or you don't. BUT. I also expect my partner to cut something off if it crosses a line, as I would. In that regard - I dislike how your husband handled it, because it smelled like distrust and controlling behavior - or worse, a guilty conscience. However, you did the right thing in the end, so no harm no foul all around. Good on your for keeping your head on and seeing what was there.
MM's rule for me seeing other women is simple - we can have any relationship we like, as long as it doesn't interfere with hers. If a girl tries to come between her & I - she's gone - period. There have been times when that cost me someone very near & dear to me, friends or otherwise. But marriage comes first. Above friends, lovers, girlfriends, or anyone. Trust given must be trust respected.
I *will* qualify that, however. Sometimes an SO is out of line. WAY out of line. In most instances that means work it out or break it off before proceeding with your life - but in the case of a particularly tangled situation or manipulative partner... Well. Just try not not to get into those relationships in the first place, lol.
Echo the above feeling x 100 - just like your friend crossed the line with his original text, last night he did it again. Buffy, you made the 100 percent right call. Otherwise, your friend would have clearly pushed the boundaries of the friendship even further into murkier territory. If you lost him as a friend, better now than if you got into a stickier situation. Maybe you 2 can be friends again later, but right now you have to cool it off - he's way out of bounds here. At the very least, he should get that message loud & clear now (but it is also up to you to stay consistent on your message - in that vein, I would not approach him now, he has to come forward and hopefully be apologetic, and then you need to establish some very clear boundaries, because it's clear he can't abide by them unless you are a LOT more transparent and firm with him. Otherwise, this friendship has to go).
To be fair to the husband, it doesn't sound like a repeated pattern of behavior. If it was, I totally agree with your point. From what Buffy said, he's been totally cool with other parts of her life and other friends, so that's a huge mitigating factor here. Otherwise, yeah, if this was always the MO, then the husband would need to work on his trust issues, but I think we'd have to give a nod to the husband's radar for being 100 percent spot on.
Either way, Buffy, good for you for recognizing the issue, and dealing with it swiftly and strongly. Maybe you can be friends again, but not in the way it was going. Better to set that limit now, and better you did it now.