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Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
So this customer of mine (I'll call him Max) has been my customer for over 4 years. Max lives halfway across the country, so I don't see him too often. When he comes to my home state he always gives me money to go out to dinner and shopping. When he's not visiting he rarely sends money, but will make sure to send a birthday and Christmas gift. He's not needy, and hasn't ever implied or asked for anything sexual because he knows I'm not an extras girl. The occasional funds are nice and he's always been polite so I never minded giving him some time.
About 2 weeks ago he offers to fly me to his home state since it's going to be a while before he comes to mine. I've never done this before, but he said he would cover my flight, hotel, meals and compensate me like he always has to make up for my time away from work...so I agreed.
He started acting a little crazy the day before I flew up, so I kept that in the back of my mind. So I finally see Max my second day here and he acts like a completely different person than the custy I've known all these years. Being really arrogant, rude to people around him, belittling me, etc. So I ask Max to please take me back to my hotel (I said the flight made me tired). He does, but proceeds to tell me this, "I have something I wanted to tell you in person, because I knew you would have never agreed to come if I told you this over the phone. All these years I've given you thousands of dollars (to be honest, he's given me $1200 in cash and 3 expensive gifts excluding small gifts that total $2300 over 4 years) and always felt like I got dicked over because I was paying you and getting nothing in return besides your conversations. So I'm not compensating you for your time on this trip at all unless you want to work for it."
Yes, I understand it's his money and he can do what he wants with it. But I'm livid he not only lied to me about paying me, but intentionally put me in a position that leaves me vulnerable in hopes that out of desperation I'd put out! Fucking ridiculous. He also knew I was taking time away from work and blew off higher paying regulars to come up for 4 days. Plus paying my own cab fate, baggage fees, etc. All these fucking years and this is the shit he pulls. Then; he proceeds to blow up my phone this morning til I picked up (I was trying to avoid him since it seems as though he's gone out of his way to ruin my mood and time here in a town I was excited to visit)...only to call me every name in the book.
I honestly feel like it's my fault because no custy is ever reliable, and I never should've agreed to come up, but wtf. What kind of a prick does this. Asshole. I'm tempted to order a ton of room service and porn to charge to the credit card he used to pay for my room (his company credit card).
Moral of the story - no matter how seasoned of a dancer you are, or how long to dependable you think a regular is...don't believe it and put yourself in a potentially bad situation. Lesson learned, and I'm poorer now because of it.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Treat this as business transaction not a date. He's not your boyfriend. You don't know him. Four years and $2300 spent is not a track record to prompt flying across the country (and certainly NEVER at your expense). He's spent 400 per year on average? You passed on better paying guys for this? Next time stay in your town or get all the money upfront. Btw, what he was trying was rape by coercion. "Putting out" is such a watered down term that really doesn't apply to a guy you don't know acting like a sociopath to force you into submission to sex.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
When he got weird right before I left, I had second thoughts. That uncomfortable gut feeling. I should've listened to it. I am mad at myself that I put myself into this situation. But I am annoyed he did a complete 180. All of our meetings have always felt like a business transaction, so the fact I didn't get paid this time (when the visit/plan was no different from past times), sucks. He literally screamed at me on the phone today late this morning for everything under the sun (I'm a horrible person, I never cared to make him happy or entertain him, how generous he's been to get nothing back makes me an awful human being, that I'm ugly inside and out, etc). Eitherway, I was an idiot. And he's a douche.
And yes, I agree is was an attempt of rape by coercion. That's the more correct wording and intent regarding what happened.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I bet the day before you left he could barely hold the malevolence in--it was seeping out! I don't think yo were an idiot. I think we all want to hope for the best and see the good but you overestimated how well you knew him. You've been together off his home turf, in controlled settings so he got the benefit of four years trust without truly earning it with a daily unstructured interaction to judge him on.
BTW here's info on how those sneaky coercive tactics pops up:
http://www.afspc.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123222934
According to Dr. Stuckman-Johnson, sexual coercion is the act of using pressure, alcohol, drugs or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will. It's persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused. Simply put; sexual coercion is being persuaded to have sex or engage in any type of sexual activity when you don't want to. It is when someone tries to make you feel you have to have sex, or that having sex is the right choice, even when you have doubts. Sexual coercion is an onslaught of advances that too often are dismissed as "joking" or accepted as the societal norm.
Coercive situations may not be obvious, even to the individual being coerced. Below are some examples of commonly used coercive behavior.
Verbal Pressure: Begging, flattery, name calling, tricking, arguing, lying or misleading. For example: "You are just so hot/fine/sexy, I can't help myself." "I am so turned on. Please don't make me stop now." "Please. You know you want it."
Social Pressure: Peer pressure or the threat of social isolation. Buying gifts or spending money to make you feel you 'owe' sex. For instance: "Everyone expects us to have sex." "You're being a tease." "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."
Emotional Pressure: Taking advantage of the level of trust or intimacy in a relationship. Exploiting your emotions or threatening the loss of the relationship. Making you feel guilty about not engaging in sexual activity and wearing you down by using the same tactic over and over again. Phrases like these may be used: "If I don't get it from you, I will get it from someone else." "I want to show you how much I care about you." "If you love me, you will have sex with me." "You have had sex before, what's the problem?"
Drugs/Alcohol: Alcohol in the context of sexual coercion is one of the most frequently methods by men and women to lower the victim's inhibitions ("loosen them up") or lessen their verbal resistance to sexual advances.
How prevalent is sexual coercion? According to research by Dr. O'Sullivan, approximately 70% of college students report they have been sexually coerced and 33% of the surveyed population reported to having used sexually coercive behaviors against their partners. Of the group who reported being sexually coerced, around 70% stated they knew their perpetrators (a boyfriend/girlfriend, a friend or an acquaintance). The tactics perpetrators reported utiliz¬ing most often were alcohol and drugs, emotional manipulation and lying. They also claimed their main reason for committing sexual coercion was their sexual arousal. These first-hand reports indicate that sexual coercion, unlike most rape, is not about power, but about sex.
Who is at risk? While anyone could be the victim of sexual coercion, some may be more at risk. For example individuals who have low self-esteem, crave attention from the opposite sex, are insecure about their body image, were victims of child sexual abuse and/or are abusing substances are at higher risk of being exploited.
Who is likely to use coercion to gain sex? Someone who doesn't feel confident in his/her ability to attract and maintain a relationship, men who have rigid stereotyped views of masculinity and may see the 'conquest' as an affirmation of their masculinity, and someone who has control issues may use coercion.
So what can you do?
Know your lines! It's your body--set your limits.
· "I really like you. I'm just not ready to have sex."
· "If you really care about me, you'll respect my decision."
· "I said no. I don't owe you an explanation."
· "No means No!"
Don't let a party go to your head! Drugs and alcohol:
· Harm your judgment and communication skills.
· May lead you into behavior/situations you may later regret.
· Make it harder to resist a sexual situation.
· Make your partner more aggressive.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
You're absolutely right. I gave him way more credit than any customer should ever have. Disregarding the financial let down of the whole trip, I'm more upset that I didn't see this coming. I'm a seasoned dancer, and I feel like I am pretty good at reading situations/people for my own financial gain. I definitely wasn't accurate at all on this one. I'm upset I let him pull the wool over my eyes.
Thank you for the other info. The explanation is good for me, and reminds me to be more aware. For my own safety.
I'm soooooo ready to go home tomorrow. I have real regulars that wanna see me back at work. Plus I'll feel more normal and can bounce back once I'm in my own apartment with my boyfriend and cat. And have my gym nearby. Maybe beating the crap out of a punching bag will help blow off some steam. :)
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Problem is each time before when he took you out he did expect sex but you didn't put the moves on him.
He totally set you up. He saw all the money he spent on you as an investment. Please be happy you walked away safely rather than cry about the time off & money lost out on. You walked away alive. But he will try to win you back over in the future.
Be honest, no man wine & dines a gal, take her shopping & such to be happy with a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. That is a rarity like less than 1%, so you need to realize to never put yourself in a situation like that again.
Especially since the room was in his name, he could have easily gotten an extra room key without your knowledge & raped you.
Stay safe,
Sam
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Please be careful! There is something wrong with this man, and I'm worried that he may attempt to harm you.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I totally agree with Sam. Luck has been on your side so far and I hope it lasts for the rest of the trip. Once you get on that plane, cut him out of your life. Even if he comes to visit you at the club, ignore him. He was only spending $575 a year on you. And is it worth it to deal with him again for such little money? Let another girl take him off your hands, you'll probably find that you can hustle more money out of the rest of the club during the time he is there.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Please be careful. If he comes by your club again notify your security that he has developed a bad attitude towards you and you are concerned for your safety. Have your security escort you to your car etc and blck his number etc.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
charge the card! charge the card! charge the card! (this is me cheering you on btw)
what an idiot.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
crystalize
charge the card! charge the card! charge the card! (this is me cheering you on btw)
what an idiot.
Which can cause him to get even more irate & come after her physically. NOT worth it. It isn't like he doesnt know where she is staying & what room.
While it may feel good in the moment, don't risk a shady guy who has no problems in being a bully to up his anger & trouble he could cause.
Sam
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I really appreciate all the support ladies. I definitely am lucky that nothing bad has happened to me as a result of this whole mess (I'm also sadden for ladies that may have been in similar situations before but not have been so fortunate). I didn't mean to come off like didn't appreciate that, so I apologize for not communicating that the right way. This whole trip has been overwhelming mentally and emotionally, so please excuse me if I'm a little bit of a mess.
My flight tomorrow - It's not until noon, but I just wanna get the hell out of this hotel as early as possible so I can get to the airport and a little closer to freedom and back home where I'm safe and belong.
I most definitely intend on blocking his phone number (any communication period) ASAP when I return. Anyone that could be potentially dangerous I'm willing whatever I need to do to cut him out of my life. I just feel like a fool that I didn't see this sooner. Or that I didn't listen to my gut.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Be careful tonight. :/ Is there some way to have the room key reset without giving him the ability to get a key himself? I'm thinking no since his card is on the bill. Jeez. Well, I'm not going to say I told you so because it looks like you don't need any help feeling shitty about this. What a massive asshole. I'm so sorry you had to learn this way. :(
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I explained to the hotel desk clerk that while Max paid for the room, I fear for my safety from him. He reassured me that while he paid, the room technically is in my name, so the hotel is obligated to protect me. The only thing Max could do if he went into full blown psycho mode is get his own room and hangout. However this same front desk gentleman said he will not only tell Max if he calls or pops into the hotel that I'm not here, but that of he shows up he will have security escort him off the property.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I feel so stupid about this whole thing. I should've listened to my gut, it's never wrong and this is a life experience that clearly showcases that lesson. To be honest I'm incredibly embarrassed I did something so dumb. I let someone outsmart me and fool me. I just wanna get home, hug my boyfriend and cat, and just move forward from this crappy trip.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
lovelydancer
I explained to the hotel desk clerk that while Max paid for the room, I fear for my safety from him. He reassured me that while he paid, the room technically is in my name, so the hotel is obligated to protect me. The only thing Max could do if he went into full blown psycho mode is get his own room and hangout. However this same front desk gentleman said he will not only tell Max if he calls or pops into the hotel that I'm not here, but that of he shows up he will have security escort him off the property.
GOOD.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I'm sorry girlie, that really sucks. But I'm glad you're safe. Just think of this as a learning experience, don't beat yourself up. Now you know better and won't be in this position again.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I think once I get home Ill be processing it much better, for better. At least I'll be in the comfort of my apt with my loves, and be able to blow off steam/frustrations at the gym. If anything, this reminded me that I need to always make my safety a priority, not let my judgment get clouded by the thought of money, as well as going with my gut if it leads me somewhere. I wanna take what ended up being a bad situation, and get something positive of out it.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Everyone has a DUH moment once in a while. There is no point in beating yourself up about this. Like others have said, use this as a learning experience. You're already taking precautions for the rest of your stay, there isn't much else you can do.
Just turn on the TV and relax until bed time. Luckily your flight is at noon. You have to leave early to check in and get through security anyhow. Just leave around 7 or 8am, and enjoy breakfast (or shots) at one of the restaurants in the airport before your flight. This time tomorrow, you'll be in a bubble bath starting to forget that POS.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Well you wasted your time but at least you know where you stand with this loser. I'm sure you will feel better after a day or two back at work and in your normal routine. Shady to put you in that situation.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I don't get men like that, if they want sex for money then they should get an escort. There's a lot of variety and since they're experts they'll give an excellent service to their clients.
He's so dramatic and psychotic. I'm glad the hotel is taking steps to keep you safe, but keep an eye open as well. It really scares how he was so aggressive towards you, it raises a lot of red flags.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
I got to the airport safely. I know I'm really early for my flight, but I wanted to get to a place that I know he physically can't get to me (thank goodness for TSA and airport security). He actually called me when I was already in my cab pulling into the airport. I let it go to voicemail (after he got so irate the first day I haven't responded to a single phonecall or text, as I didn't want to give him any attention or feed the monster so to speak). He left me a super angry 4 minute voicemail saying that he was livid that I wouldn't let him take me to the airport/see me off, that he's upset that he paid for a hotel room if I checked out and left for the airport so early, how ungrateful I am, how I've treated him like a complete cunt when he's done nothing but be a gentleman, etc. I deleted the voicemail. What a fucking whack job.
It reminds me that this scenario could've gone worse, and I'm incredibly thankful that it didn't. Someone was definitely watching out for me. I'll be even happier when my flight takes off. I do have a layover in a different state before getting back home, but it'll be a huge weight off of mental state of mind to get away from all this.
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
if i were you, if he continues to send you irrational voicemail/text--KEEP them in case you need evidence for a restraining order...
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
...or to prove the murder was self defense ;)
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Re: Screwed over by my longest regular (long rant)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
LaPatrona
I don't get men like that, if they want sex for money then they should get an escort. There's a lot of variety and since they're experts they'll give an excellent service to their clients.
He's so dramatic and psychotic. I'm glad the hotel is taking steps to keep you safe, but keep an eye open as well. It really scares how he was so aggressive towards you, it raises a lot of red flags.
Because of his ego, it is about the chase, the investment. He wanted her to want him as much as he wanted her. It is a game he plays. Men often men do think the more he spends more the girls owes him in sex later on. Hell, at bars, for a beer I've had men ask for a bj in their car... As if buying a girl a drink at a bar gets them a bj. I laugh my ass off when that happens.
So this is how men do think, but to hire an escort means they don't have what it takes to get laid all on their own.
Sam