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Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
So, tonight I met a wealthy vip member.. he invited me into the back and I eventually talked him into some dances in the vip room. (Which is rare.. I hardly ever go to VIP, because they usually are flooded with extras girls) So we made it upstairs and proceeded to do nude dances. Immediately this guy is trying to grab my vagina, and every time I grabbed his hand and said "No, you can't do that I'm sorry.. heehee!" Trying to keep a smile on my face but that stuff just drives me insane.. And for the first time in my 3 year dancing career, This guy just goes for it.. He shoved his finger into my vagina and I immediately tried to get it out but of course, his force overpowered mine and after about 1 second, I got him to stop. Now, this isn't as intense as I've made it seem.. He only got about 1/2 his finger inside of me, but STILL.
My eyes began to water and I became emotional.. I didn't know how to handle the situation and I just felt so angry.. I seriously considered telling the dance room bouncer, but what would happen? A VIP member who spends thousands of dollars half way fingered me.. They're not going to kick him out. They're going to apologize to me and I'm not going to get the $500 that I worked so hard for. PLUS, all of the girls he encounters LET HIM DO THIS. So here I am, I feel completely worthless at the moment and I feel as though I have betrayed my boyfriend.. I feel so… lost.. PLEASE, HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS?? I need someone to relate to.. how do you psychologically handle this? I want to get over it and am a strong hearted woman.. but this was too much. I need someone to help me clear my negative mindset and help me get over this. :'(
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
rapist! someone should squeeze the shit outta his junk and asked him if he likes it! U didn't let him do it u were in shock because u were violated. Maybe u should take time off and see a counselor? The fact that u haven't gotten justice won't sit well with u, talk to your b.f. ::HUGS!!::
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
first of all, you did not betray your boyfriend. you were sexually assaulted. stop victim blaming yourself! you did what you could to get him to stop. people like that are scum of the earth.
i had the same thing happen to me where a very rich vip member came in and tried to force me to have sex with him, and when that failed he bit me on the arm so hard it was bruised for a week..and the security guards were too busy kissing his ass to do anything about it. afterwards, one of them told me that i should be nice to him and and it would be in my best interests to try and get him to be my regular. GRR!!
sometimes i wish that there were stripper support groups out there to help us cope with stuff like this, because i know if i went and told anybody about it they would say " well you're a stripper, what do you expect? you are asking for it by working there".
none of us ask to be assaulted and forced against our wills. we are human beings like anybody else and what is not within the boundaries of our job or our own boundaries is is not us asking for it.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
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I seriously considered telling the dance room bouncer, but what would happen? A VIP member who spends thousands of dollars half way fingered me.. They're not going to kick him out. They're going to apologize to me and I'm not going to get the $500 that I worked so hard for. PLUS, all of the girls he encounters LET HIM DO THIS. So here I am, I feel completely worthless at the moment and I feel as though I have betrayed my boyfriend.. I feel so… lost.. PLEASE, HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS?? I need someone to relate to.. how do you psychologically handle this?
For starters, since you did nothing to 'encourage' this customer's actions, your own conscience can be clear.
Next, you correctly concluded that the clubowner values a happy 'big bucks' frequent club customer far more than one unhappy dancer who can easily be replaced.
Next, for better or worse, it appears that the business model for the strip club you're working in tacitly approves this level of contact, as do fellow dancers who are apparently more than willing to provide this level of contact. Or put another way, if a dancer wants access to 'big bucks' customers in this club, being willing to provide this level of contact appears to be an 'unspoken' job requirement. If you're not comfortable with that, then either A quit this club or B refuse to do future VIP's. Either option will obviously 'cost you' in terms of potential lost earnings. And choosing option B may quickly result in the same end result as option A, since you won't be providing the same level of earnings for the club that other dancers who willingly do VIP's ( regardless of customer contact expectations ) provide.
Sorry for my 'bluntness'. A major reason that I retired from live dancing is the gradual transition of the industry from 'show' business to 'sex' business. While this gradual transition SUCKS, in point of fact there doesn't appear to be anything on the horizon that is going to reverse this trend, and lots of things which will tend to actually accelerate this trend.
My advice is to clear your conscience that these events were totally beyond your control, to 'chalk it up' as a learning experience in regard to the actual state of today's business model at many strip clubs, and to move forward in a manner that you're personally 'comfortable' with.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
Leave your club.
At the club I was working at in LA I made a lot of money but stuff like this happened all the time. I was dancing for a customer and he wasn't even in VIP, he was just doing single nude dances. He actually wasn't even grabby! He was totally fine until I got into a position where I was exposed and bam he full on fingered me. I had another customer do it on the floor and when I complained I got suspended. The first time it happened I didn't even bother complaining, I just asked if I could go home early and my manger said I could leave an hour and a half earlier if I wanted. The second time I only complained because I was just so fucking irate that someone would something like that when they weren't even spending money, and learned that I should have just done what I did the first time. The only reason I stayed there was because I knew I wouldn't make as much anywhere else as I was making there and I needed to make money for my move.
If a customer is doing stuff like that and as you said your VIP rooms are full of extra girls, then you are working in a place where behavior like that is seen as "okay" and it will happen again and again and again. That was the way it was at my club. So, I would leave and go to a cleaner club.
As for getting over it... I don't really have any advice for you on that. It still bothers me that it happened, but I just try not to think about it. You were assaulted and it's not your fault that it happened, nor did you betray your boyfriend. Learn from this experience and know that in the future you will not continue to dance for a customer that acts that way-- I don't mean that it's your fault for not stopping the dances, but I have become very picky about who I dance with after these experiences and I will think nothing of grabbing someone's hands and pinning them to the back of the booth or just standing up.
PM me if you want to talk. <3
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
1. You were sexually assaulted. That has nothing to do with your boyfriend. If a man approached you in the parking lot and punched you in the face, would you feel like you betrayed your boyfriend? The sexual nature of the assault does not somehow morph it into a different situation where you carry fault. You did NOTHING wrong. You were a victim of assault, and the wrongdoing was HIS decision.
2. You are the same woman you were yesterday. Becoming a victim changes nothing about you.
3. It does not matter what is going on around you. It doesn't matter if everyone else is an extras girl. It doesn't matter if the club values the attacker's business. An assault is ALWAYS an assault and it is ALWAYS wrong and you ALWAYS have the right to stand up for yourself, whether that means breaking his finger, telling the bouncer, finding a different club, etc.
4. You are not the first woman to go through this. If you do some Googling you can find online support groups, maybe even see a counselor. Many millions of women have healed after a sexual assault and gone on to live happy, healthy lives.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't ever blame yourself. It's not your fault that you encountered a royal piece of shit monster. Doesn't matter when, where, or how.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
Ewww, guys hands are nasty.
Where a pair of spike heels. Place that spiked heel in his crotch & ask if he wants you to invade his body with it just like he tried to invade yours.
I used to bite their pants & pull hard, most of the time I only bit the material, for guys with roaming hands I bit a little bit more. LOL
Don't ya'll ever accidently drop a cold drink in a guys lap?
Am I the only one who is evil here & tries to teach assholes a lesson?
Take some martial art classes so you can better protect yourself in an intimate setting like that, bouncers NEVER help or pay attention. They are useless & there for their egos & to fuck the strippers if they can. They are no better than the management or customers.
Good Luck,
Sam
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
I am so sorry this happened to you! I strongly recommend you call a rape/sexual assault hotline or join a chat room where you can get advice how to deal with this and protect your mental health.
I was raped when I was 15. I was drunk and knew I would be in trouble for being at a party and would get no help from my family (it was the 1980's and girls were blamed for rape more often than not). I spent a long, long time hating all men. I was in a very dark place because I didn't deal with my own sexual assault. I learned about cognitive behavioral therapy in my late 20's and eventually got past my trauma. But I spent over a decade hating myself and blaming myself for being a dirty whore. I went to school with my rapist and my teachers even encouraged me to spend more time with him. It was awful.
I wish I had some resources to refer you to. Maybe someone here can post a link or phone number for survivors of sexual assault.
Probably first and foremost, you should quit this club. This might be the first time this has happened to you, but if you stay in the business it probably won't be the last. Customer's not respecting your boundaries goes with the territory, unfortunately. I don't know how many times a customer has tried something like that with me, but it happens way more often than I'd like. On Tuesday I had to forcefully remove a customer's hand from between my legs on more than one occasion. The bouncer was no where in sight and the customer knew it. It was annoying, but I dealt with it. It just kind of goes with the territory of nude lap dances, unfortunately. :-[
Just remember, this isn't you fault. Just because a man forces himself on you, does not mean you are cheating on your boyfriend. You may not wish to tell him about your trauma. Men can be awful when it comes to a situation like this. If you do tell him, make it sound like it happened right next to you and not to you personally. I hope you feel better soon. Forgive yourself and place the blame where it belongs: On the customer.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
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Originally Posted by
Stormi Weather
1. You were sexually assaulted. That has nothing to do with your boyfriend. If a man approached you in the parking lot and punched you in the face, would you feel like you betrayed your boyfriend? The sexual nature of the assault does not somehow morph it into a different situation where you carry fault. You did NOTHING wrong. You were a victim of assault, and the wrongdoing was HIS decision.
2. You are the same woman you were yesterday. Becoming a victim changes nothing about you.
3. It does not matter what is going on around you. It doesn't matter if everyone else is an extras girl. It doesn't matter if the club values the attacker's business. An assault is ALWAYS an assault and it is ALWAYS wrong and you ALWAYS have the right to stand up for yourself, whether that means breaking his finger, telling the bouncer, finding a different club, etc.
4. You are not the first woman to go through this. If you do some Googling you can find online support groups, maybe even see a counselor. Many millions of women have healed after a sexual assault and gone on to live happy, healthy lives.
Thank you. I just need a positive mindset to not let this experience turn me bitter. I love my job, I really do! It is unfortunate that some men don't know how to treat us like humans. It's disgusting!!! I think I might stop doing nudes, but I feel like topless dances make guys think its even more okay to touch my crotch.. AARRGGGG!!
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
Tell your boyfriend. I've asked my husband before what he would want me to do if such a situation arose. He said "Why WOULDN'T you tell me?". You have not betrayed anyone. You were raped. It is going to affect your relationship. Be honest with him so he can be supportive, not wonder what in the world is going on with you.
I would have gotten the guy's name and called the police. Whatever the club thinks or allows or doesn't allow.. FUCK THEM. Who cares how much money he has? Who cares what other girls do? And finally, who cares what the management thinks is ok? You are a person, an individual, you have the right to pursue this. Everyone does.
That being said, switch clubs and get some counselling. Take this time for you and work through your feelings. You were traumatised. You can't let this go. Be active in your own recovery and reach out to those you love and trust. You aren't alone.
Be well.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
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Originally Posted by
Vackra
Tell your boyfriend. I've asked my husband before what he would want me to do if such a situation arose. He said "Why WOULDN'T you tell me?". You have not betrayed anyone. You were raped. It is going to affect your relationship. Be honest with him so he can be supportive, not wonder what in the world is going on with you.
I would have gotten the guy's name and called the police. Whatever the club thinks or allows or doesn't allow.. FUCK THEM. Who cares how much money he has? Who cares what other girls do? And finally, who cares what the management thinks is ok? You are a person, an individual, you have the right to pursue this. Everyone does.
That being said, switch clubs and get some counselling. Take this time for you and work through your feelings. You were traumatised. You can't let this go. Be active in your own recovery and reach out to those you love and trust. You aren't alone.
Be well.
While one might think calling the cops is the right decision... But rarely do they follow up or arrest anyone. Fact, sex workers even stripper are looked down upon by society & the cops. They will not care.
Meanwhile her real name, real address & the assault becomes public information, in a court of law you have the right to face your accuser. More than likely the police will not press charges or even go after the guy. Meanwhile she probably would be fired by the club & with her info made public there are predators who like to go after girls once they seem them as a victim.
Of course, she does deserve justice. Reality & justice can be two different things in life.
Take a few classes on self protection so that you can break the offending finger & then let him try to press assault charge while explaining what happened. I can hear the convo now " So she broke your finger? Why? Oh cause you decided to stick in her pussy & she broke it." then the cops will laugh their asses off at the guy.
Sadly, world wide over majority of females are sexually assaulted in one way or another. How you handle it now & in future situations is up to you.
Once outside a bathroom in a well lit rest stop I had a guy expose himself to me. Instead of running or screaming, I yelled "Hey everyone got some pervert here showing us his dick come have a look." Scared the fuck out of him.
Stop the victim & blaming of yourself. How in the hell can it be cheating? Those kind of thoughts & thinking is just what perverts want you to do, so you are letting him win.
If a guy grabs my tit on a dance floor in a busy club, I elbow him hard. Next time he will think twice before trying that again. I react physically & hard when guys try that crap. When you run & stay quiet you are letting them get away with it. Bouncers would have had to carry my ass out of that club. Hell, I've been fired from a strip club for less.
Strip clubs are a dime a dozen. Jobs are dime a dozen.
Stay safe,
Sam
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
Why worry about what a club thinks that lets the girls be assaulted? I don't get that.
Worked in Lawton, Oklahoma for a couple of years. Had a guy slap my ass hard while I was on main stage. I turned around & punched him hard. Only thing is I punched the wrong guys. Thing is they were all marines & thought it was funny. All three of them paid me to punch them in the face at $20 a pop. Did the owners step in? No Did I get fired? No
Did I worry about getting fired for it? fuck no.
Trust me, you need to toughin up. Give as good as you get.
Sam
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
please seek counseling. it is the best thing to do in this situation. you are not to be blamed for this, but you must seek out counseling starting NOW--it will make a big difference.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
First thing, as other girls have said, quit your club. I have worked in more than one club where there was ZERO security b/c the owner did not want to pay for bouncers, & clubs where bouncers were paid off by dirty customers to look the other way. I have also been fortunate to find clubs whose bouncers I will bless til my dying day b/c they took care of the girls & did what they could to help keep the club clean. So those clubs are still out there.
Take a little time off to get your head straight. I 2nd both the suggestions of counselling & self-defence training. I have a martial arts background from b4 I started dancing & that knowledge has helped me in more than one sticky situation, even if to just buy a couple minutes until sm1 could get to me. Going to the police is unfortunately a real crapshoot for the reasons other girls mentioned. You run the very real risk of being laughed right out of the squadroom b/c of your job, & even if a report is made & the offender arrested, your information then becomes a matter of public record.
Lastly, you need to discuss this w/ your SO. Even if you are not ready to give all the gory details, & you shouldn't if you are not at that point yet, this needs to be explained to him b/c he cannot support you properly if he does not know what's wrong. What happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If he is the kind of person who would flip his shit & blame you for what happened, there are probably a few girls on here you could send him to that would set him straight.
Don't go back to a club that does not care abt your safety. I have been assaulted at work more than once, I know how depressing it is to have this happen to you & have to face that the ppl who should be seeing to your safety literally can't be paid to give a shit. Staying there will easily be the biggest hurdle to you healing from this.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
Something very similar happened to me about a year and a half ago. I told my bf and he basically asked me what I expected when I dance sexually for men. I broke up with him and quit the club a few days later. I took a year off of dancing.
I echo what everyone else has said. Talk to a professional about it, but don't blame yourself. You told him no. He shouldn't even be trying that shit without at least asking. Paying for a room entitles him to your time, not free reign over your body parts. Fuck that guy.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
So sorry this happened op. Some men just don't care at all they think they just put their grubby little fingers wherever they please uggh I despise customers with that mindset.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
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While one might think calling the cops is the right decision... But rarely do they follow up or arrest anyone. Fact, sex workers even stripper are looked down upon by society & the cops. They will not care.
Meanwhile her real name, real address & the assault becomes public information, in a court of law you have the right to face your accuser. More than likely the police will not press charges or even go after the guy. Meanwhile she probably would be fired by the club & with her info made public there are predators who like to go after girls once they seem them as a victim.
Of course, she does deserve justice. Reality & justice can be two different things in life.
Not wanting to make light of the situation, but in today's 'real world' the probability of any 'sex industry' worker actually receiving justice is slim to none. In fact, having the sexual assault claim effectively ignored by LE, being fired by the club, and having a public record entry of the dancer's real name etc., aren't even the worst case scenario ( unfortunately )
If this incident were to be reported to LE, and if the 'well heeled' customer wanted to be a prick about it, for the 'well heeled' customer to improve his bargaining position, there is a very real legal risk that the dancer bringing the complaint could herself be charged with prostitution based on the dancer's admitted factual events which the customer will corroborate ( payment made by customer, sexual contact taking place ). From the standpoint of a judge and jury, all 'sexual assault' claims ultimately boil down to the word of a 'well heeled' local businessman versus the word of a 'stripper', since there is no hard factual proof that the sexual contact was in fact 'forced' upon the 'stripper' versus a voluntary part of a mutual business transaction ( albeit an illegal business transaction ). If the accusing dancer didn't agree to drop charges against the customer, and both cases went to the DA / trial, the likely result is that the 'well heeled' customer would be acquitted of sexual assault charges ( for lack of hard evidence that sexual contact was in fact 'forced' ) while the accusing dancer would be convicted of prostitution ( based on self-admitted facts ).
This situation SUCKS ... but still must be considered before deciding to involve LE. Arguably, the highly publicized somewhat similar scenarios of the Duke Lacrosse case, the Dominic Strauss Kahn case, the Kobe Bryant case etc. have created a mindset for judges and juries that 'sex industry' workers are as likely as not to bring false sexual assault / rape charges against 'well heeled' defendants.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
sounds like you need a new club! IDK our vip have extra girls and we def have those customers who are used to getting more, but if the bouncer knows your not one of those girls and a vip starts to get to grabby (doesnt matter who it is) you can flip on a light, leave the vip, or wave your hands and bouncers will rush in. You still get your money. I once left a vip after 3 min because a guy had his penis out and told me to suck it. I said awe sorry hun I dont do that. and he grabbed my arm to the point where it hurt i yelped and the bouncer came in. this guy spends about 500,000 a year and friends with the owner. he wasn't kicked out forever but was that day, i got my money, and the ownder came in apoligized and gave me evtera $> the next time this guy came in he was made to apoligize to me for his actions, and gave some lame i was drunk excuse.
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
I with you Sam... I'm a huge fan of knocking over drinks, "acidentally" kicking them very hard in the balls, choking, and slapping. Last week a guy grabbed my pussy on stage, I slapped him hard, grabbed his throat and told him to give me all the money in his pockets or I would have him kicked out, he did it :)
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
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Originally Posted by
Sqrlbby
sounds like you need a new club! IDK our vip have extra girls and we def have those customers who are used to getting more, but if the bouncer knows your not one of those girls and a vip starts to get to grabby (doesnt matter who it is) you can flip on a light, leave the vip, or wave your hands and bouncers will rush in. You still get your money. I once left a vip after 3 min because a guy had his penis out and told me to suck it. I said awe sorry hun I dont do that. and he grabbed my arm to the point where it hurt i yelped and the bouncer came in. this guy spends about 500,000 a year and friends with the owner. he wasn't kicked out forever but was that day, i got my money, and the ownder came in apoligized and gave me evtera $> the next time this guy came in he was made to apoligize to me for his actions, and gave some lame i was drunk excuse.
Where do you work??? lol!
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
Thank you for all of your kind words and advice. I got drunk last night and of course, I spilled to my boyfriend. He was so understanding. He hugged me and he found the guy via the few things I knew about him, and he plans to anonymously tell his wife that he's a disgusting perv. :) He is the best, and I'm glad I have someone so amazing who doesn't even think to blame me.. I am very lucky to have him, and all of you. What a wonderful community of women who can relate to me without passing judgement! *happy tear* :)
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Re: Something bad happened tonight.. how do I psychologically get passed this?
Leave your club, find one that takes care of the dancers. I would never work in a club that sided more with the customers than the valuable ladies working there.
Also, don't let it get to you. Don't give his ignorant, disgusting actions any power. You are in charge, you are in control. He was wrong, you are always, always right. You can never go wrong. He did not take anything from you, he only asserted himself upon you and he should feel like absolute shit for it. As dancers, we are sexually assaulted on a nightly basis and we need to remind ourselves that our bodies are ours, no one elses' and the actions of people who are beneath you are of no consequence to you. I'm not saying that we should just brush off sexual assault, it's not a laughing matter, but we cannot let it get to us. We have to remind ourselves and train our customers. The customers are always at fault in this, it's NEVER your problem. NEVER, get it? It is NOT your fault, it is the result of a biased, sex-negative, patriarchal society, lack of upbringing, major mental disorders and complexes in male and female customers and lack of respect for themselves. Do you, respect yourself, love yourself and project that onto everyone you encounter.
He is a fucking peasant. He is a fucking piece of shit. He deserves to have his dick cut off, chopped up and eaten by a pack of wolves.