I suspect I have a repulsive personality, no matter how hard I try.
So basically, it's like this. In the past 5 years, and... all my life really, I've had a big problem keeping friends. I've lost dozens. I've never had a time in my life when I've been popular, and hey, that's okay. I could understand rubbing people the wrong way. After all, I have some controversial views and flaws, as most people do. But it seems to me my friends drop off at an abnormal rate.
For many years, I was not a great person. I was prone to lying and the occasional strong emotional meltdown or freakout (once or twice a year, max). I understand the drama I left in my wake. It really, really sucked to take a long look at myself and realize how selfish and irrational and untrustworthy I could be. I have worked HARD to turn it around. The things I've managed to change, I can tangibly account for. I don't lie. I don't cause drama. I am there for my friends when they need me. I am an extremely open-minded individual- I don't believe there's a necessary right or wrong in any situation. At least not any more. I don't think I'm a fun-killer or extremely annoying. I'm a shy extrovert, so generally I let people dominate conversations, but I try to provide some insight where I think it is due. I generally try to present myself as assertive, but exceedingly polite and personable when I'm socializing.
I have good relationships with my family, and with my partner, and with my very close friends. However, there are so few of them any more. I used to be extremely social, and now I don't have the opportunities, it feels like. In the two years it has taken me to turn myself around, I've lost friends still. Some, without any explanation. I was close friends with a girl for YEARS- I spent days at her house, we'd text constantly, get together twice a week minimum- she met some new friends and just completely ditched me. I could understand finding kindred spirits and having less time for me, but I haven't seen her since her birthday in February. She's made no attempts to contact me, and ignores my messages. I gave up awhile ago and now she just... never says or does anything to get in touch. She lives a block away from me. It is REALLY disheartening, because I feel I invested a lot in that friendship only to get my heart totally smashed out. And, she's not the only one. A friend I helped in a big way a year and a half back by letting her stay in my spare bedroom, eat my food, and generally lean on me for 3 months while she got out of a bad relationship, who said she would 'never forget what I did for her', completely removed me on all social media and no longer responds to me in any way on the forums we mutually post in, and has not given me an explanation for her actions. Was it something I did or said? I literally can't think of why.
I'm not sure if I should try to change more, or try to have a more appealing personality, or what. I get so sad every time I lose a friend. It bothers me for weeks, months, sometimes years. Sometimes they come back, but it's never the same after. Much like getting together after a breakup, I can't really bring myself to believe that they truly care about me, and aren't just using me for their own ends. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? I would appreciate any and all advice.
Re: I suspect I have a repulsive personality, no matter how hard I try.
Ok. Right off the bat, I say, you're being TOO NICE. Yes, you read that right. I think you may be attracting the wrong type o' ppl that use you, don't care, & move on..how do I know? I'm the same way..one thing that helped me is going to support groups (but watch yourself there, too). I'm also trying, this summer, to just push myself to get out & do some fun things myself : beach volleyball (which I suck @) visiting a zoo, street fests..the list goes on. If I meet someone fine, if not, I had a great time.
I think it's really difficult anyway, in today's times to meet/connect w/ppl.
Honestly the stuff you described about yourself sounds pretty normal.
I'm trying myself to be a little stronger when it comes to people, there's some great books/youtube vids by Louise Hay.
Anyway, good luck hon.:)
Re: I suspect I have a repulsive personality, no matter how hard I try.
You're pretty admirable for being honest about how awful you used to be. I haven't had a lot of friends in my life either and have had a handful of friendships end painfully (anyone remember my jealous friend blow up couple years ago??). The truth is that people are flawed. Jealousy is an ugly thing and sometimes ill feelings are in the inner workings of a friendship, that or disapproval of a lifestyle or some kind of resentment; justifiable or not. Maybe some people couldn't get past your past and that's okay. Meet new people who will appreciate the new you. We're all a work in progress. I know I am.
Re: I suspect I have a repulsive personality, no matter how hard I try.
the harder you try, the harder it is to make and keep *good* friends. people can smell desperation, and will use that against you. sounds like at least one of your friends was a mooch and was probably using you anyways. i haven't had much luck with friends my entire life for various reasons, but mostly because i was way too giving and trusting right off the bat, and looking for a friend. these days i'm perfectly content with my own company and my family's company, and if a good friend comes along, they come along. don't immediately get emotionally invested right off the bat. its a bit like dating
Re: I suspect I have a repulsive personality, no matter how hard I try.
I've had a lot of friends like that - we're "best buds" until someone new comes along, and suddenly they're way tighter with that person than me and kinda drop out of my social life. I am always super paranoid, the second I start getting really close with anyone, that it's only going to last until someone "better" comes along. But what I've concluded about people like that is that it's probably not that your'e a loser or "repulsive" and the other person is oh-so-great, but they're probably, in general the type of people who get bored easily and always go after the "new shiny" toy (or relationship). They're probably like that with guys too, and will probably one day ditch these new great friends for someone else "better," aka: someone they haven't gotten to know well enough to have disagreements with yet.
Also, people who disappear after you've helped them through a really rough time are actually incredibly common. The thing is, when a person goes through a really tough, depressing period in their life, once they're out of it, the last thing they want to do is remember that time. YOU were a part of that time. Therefore, whether it's embarrassment from knowing how you used to see them, or they just can't handle a reminder from the past, associating with you reminds them of how crappy their life used to be. In order to forget it, they have to forget you. These are basically people who don't have the emotional maturity to reconcile a new, stable life with anyone or anything who was part of their past, shitty life. It's like throwing out all your old clothes and getting a new wardrobe - except they're doing it with people. It's not fair - and I have actually contacted and called out ex-friends on how incredibly shitty it is that they would ditch me on account of that reasoning - but it's true and very common.
Like whirlerz said, it probably is you, but not in the way you're thinking of it. You probably do have too much of a too-nice personality that attracts losers with no attention span or emotional maturity, rather than it's that you are "repulsive" to actually good people. I have the same problem, and am working on trying to fix it. Rather than trying to fix all your "flaws" so people will like you more, look at the flaws in the people you are drawn to you and who are drawn to you, and start trying to fix how you view those types of people and how to defend yourself against their user tendencies before you get too far into their shit. I'm not saying not to be nice or to not help people, but be careful what you expect out of certain, unstable types in return.
Re: I suspect I have a repulsive personality, no matter how hard I try.
Good topic.
With change in life circumstances, friends come and go. People move to a different city, get married, have kids, change jobs, go to different school, make new friends, etc. In my observation, the reality is that most friends are friends of convenience, meaning you just happened to be friends due to common circumstances, the most common being school, work, or social group like Church. But sometimes those friendships are shrouded in rivalry and competition where they secretly want to see you fail.
The easiest friendships to maintain are those that require the least maintenance due to common interests that you two can relate to, and where you live close to each other since most friendships are determined by geography. I think if you're showing genuine concern for your friends, and making an effort, then you're doing all you can do maintain a friendship. The rest is out of your control.
Re: I suspect I have a repulsive personality, no matter how hard I try.
Part of the pattern of life............Remember in high school you had friends and they were so important? I haven't spoken to any of them in over 25 years
True friends in life you will count on one hand. If I may make an assumption about your age, and relate it to my personal experience: you have not met any of them yet.
there are people that you love, people that make you laugh, people that you fuck, people that you have long conversations about Immanuel Kant, people that you drive cross country with, people you drink with, people you see scary movies with...................and they all make your life richer.................................
but friends, real friends, they are very very rare
worry less, have fun.
The friends will find you, and you will find them