Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Hey All,
I just wanted to share something I'm going through and reach out for support-maybe some of you can relate to this.
A few weeks ago, told my mom that I'm a webcam model, because I wanted to have a more honest relationship with her. It's been really difficult to deal with all the judgments she has about camming and the women in the industry, as well as my underlying motivations for doing it. We've spoke extensively over the phone and in-person, all so she can drill the same points into my head:
-What I do is dirty
-I'm "slipping in life" taking the "easy route" instead of taking a low-paying, miserable vanilla job and working my way up the ladder just like everyone else.
-My life is at risk.
-What I'm doing is prostitution, and I'm an upstanding woman with a college degree...it's beneath me to prostitute myself
-My Sex/body should be shared with a significant other, only. My clients are the scum of the Earth and only scumbags purchase sex/shows
-I'm only doing this because I was raped/abused as a teen, and most sex workers are "victims" of some sort who are only doing this out of desperate financial need and/or because they have low self-esteem and/or on drugs.
-I'm going to regret what I'm doing later. Might even kill myself.
-I think it's worth mentioning that my mom is always telling me to close my legs, even if I'm just lounging at home, relaxing (I don't live with her, I just visit occasionally) :-\
--
I've had long conversations with my mom about why I entered the industry, how it was a well-researched and calculated decision, how I genuinely wanted to to be in this field, how it's a creative outlet, it suits my entrepreneurial knack, etc. and it's a way to support my lifestyle as an artist, since I need free time/flexible schedule to work.
Nothing I said gets through to her and I told her that I'm tired of explaining myself and she is disrespecting me and the hard work I do. I hang up the phone whenever she says something offensive about my job. What's most offensive is how she brings up my history of abuse, as a way to justify that what I'm doing is wrong.
I feel like it's a way to scare me and stigmatize sex work...as if I need to constantly change my life to run away from potentially abusive men-it's the victim blaming bullshit all over again. Now she wants to see a counselor with me about the whole thing, which I will probably back out of.
Anyway, this is really heartbreaking at times and even though all of my friends are in full support of my camming, it's hard because none of them are actually doing what I do and coming from that perspective. Everyone just looks from the outside in.
Your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks <3
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Not everyone in the world will respect webcam models or acknowledge that it is a real job and takes someone with a good business mind to really make it work.
Unfortunately we can't make others view these kind of things through our own eyes and everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to stop mentioning it to her, just don't bring it up at all. If she tries to bring it up just remind her that it's her opinion and that she is entitled to it and kindly ask her to stop bringing up your past because it hurts.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
I understand your plight!. While my situation is a quite a bit different, I can't even have a relationship with my mother or father at all. All she ever talks about is her religion .. bla bla bla.. Kinda pushes me on it all the time .. makes me feel guilty because I am not part of it. She could care less about what I do for a living. In fact my brother said she was very proud of me and the fact I raised 2 kids all by myself as well. I have given up pretty much of having a relationship with my parents. I never had one and I highly doubt I ever will. It's kinda to late now... It is what it is. It's sad that even though you are related to people they don't want a relationship with you.. I am going through the same thing with my sister. She seems to not care to much of having a relationship it's just kinda like WHATEVER!.... very one sided.. so it is what it is and I am to old to bother trying to have relations with people who don't want them. The ball is in their court now.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Victim shaming by your own mother is wrong in the worst way. She is abusing you. Seek some kind of help.
Flip the script & blame her the PARENT who was supposed to protect you NO MATTER WHAT! When someone says mean hurtful things to you, don't be afraid of hurting their feelings & say how you feel in return. I find this shuts them the fuck up quickly.
You can't help who your family is but you can choose your own friends & who you spend time with in life.
If she wants to be negative & hurtful, all you owe her is 1 phone call a year to make sure she is still alive & that is it. Then go off & make a positive, happy life for yourself.
You don't owe it to anyone, including your Mother to be their verbal punching bag in life.
Good Luck,
Sam
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Firstly OP, Hugs. I saw my own mother in your post minus the religious hoopla and a heart attack, lol. There's just some things people will never accept and this industry is one of them. This might sound harsh but there are some people in your life that you have to cut out of it with minimal contact until they either come around, (or else) just to be happy. The counseling could be good for both of you (if it's needed) but if you don't think you want to go, then don't as I feel she's trying to change your mind and not cope with your history of abuse. I'm not sure when the abuse happened but if it was when you were younger (like mine) then she should've been protecting you and keeping you safe.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Wow, that's the same conversation I'm having with the in-laws, and they just think we're running an online payroll service (and we left out the adult part).
1) What are we teaching the children by being home with them all day instead of at a "real job"?
2) We're just a bunch of welfare queens sucking up tax dollars! (We went off all public assistance within 2 months of me camming almost 3 years ago).
3) Obviously we're doing something illegal. Hubby buying a "Heisenberg" hat didn't help that one much.
4) Don't we have plans for the future?
For that, his dad barely talks to us when we visit about every 2 weeks. Our kids are well-behaved and (if I can say so) absolutely brilliant little buggers reading, being ~1st grade but reading at highschool level. The benefits of having both parents always at home with them are obvious.
Some people are just going to judge, and some parents are just going to be like that no matter what evidence you show them to the contrary. 2 concepts that people can't seem to wrap their brains around:
1) Entrepreneurship - Adult industry or not, if you're "on your own" without a boss, some people just can't understand why you would trade security for a chance to make money at your own pace. What a lot of older generations don't understand is that this "security" no longer exists anywhere, as we found out in a very hard way in 2008. No matter how professional, competent, and educated you are your butt can be on the chopping block. For them, the "American Dream" still means getting a nice factory or office worker job that you do for 40 years, with a good union salary and benefits, and buy a nice little ranch house in suburbia to raise your 10.5 kids. If you deviate from that, you're some kind of low-life taking advantage of the system.
2) Sexual Hangups - Like it or not, some people just can't seem to understand sexuality/sex work/having a sex life. Porn is something other people do. For this, I would take her up on her counseling offer (unless its some kind of wacky "pray away the gay" type) and let her see the other side of things. Modern psychology recognizes a lot of things as "normal" that wasn't necessarily so 20-30 years ago, and maybe its time she caught up.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
I'm sorry i don't really have any advice OP, but I just wanted to say that you aren't alone. I read your post and kept saying over-and-over to myself "That would be my mom." My mom's even said a lot of that stuff about my tattoos. She told me the day she saw the one on my back that I "look like a drug-pushing hussy who won't even be able to get a job at a high end strip club (ironic now that I'm starting to strip lol) and who's boyfriend will never take me to meet his parents because he's too ashamed, and, if he did, his parents would hate me." Then she didn't acknowledge my existence for a few days despite being in the same house. That was after a tat. She doesn't know about stripping, but I live with her, so I'm sure she'll find out eventually, and I can hear everything your mom said coming from mine's mouth.
I guess the point of that rambling is you really aren't alone because the older generation tends to have a lot of hang-ups about sex. They were raised that it was gross and dirty and sinful in many cases. You just have to do what's right for you. Do counseling if it feels right. Or if you decide to try it and it doesn't help, don't be afraid to stop. It sucks when it comes from a parent, but it's ultimately you living your life, not her, so you have to live with the consequences good and bad, not her. Make yourself happy, and hopefully time will bring her around. She's only human and even if she's being really rough, it comes from a place of deep-rooted fear and strict teachings from when she was growing up. She is trying to do the best she can, and it's probably the only way she knows how at this point.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Yes! the one point you made about 2 hands-on parents always being there for their children. I can attest to. I have ALWAYS been there for my kids , despite I have remained a single parent for 14 yrs. Been a camgirl and even a stint in porn for 12 yrs now! and My kids are Intelligent, articulate, well behaved ( for the most part) and NEVER in trouble. .. and I am happy to say they are 23 ( full time college student who graduated from high school with honors, and a 17 yr old on Honor Roll in his Senior year. My kids didn't participate in anything that society deems bad kids do ( sex, drugs, drinking.. etc etc etc ).. They actually look at me strange if i make mention of these things and they tell me well those kids are just stupid why would we poison ourselves for .. they are idiots.. so yea.. you are doing the right thing raising those kids and being there for them.. I stop working immediately whenever my kids needed me or need me and attend to them FIRST.. then work.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
KatyBoleyn
Wow, that's the same conversation I'm having with the in-laws, and they just think we're running an online payroll service (and we left out the adult part).
1) What are we teaching the children by being home with them all day instead of at a "real job"?
2) We're just a bunch of welfare queens sucking up tax dollars! (We went off all public assistance within 2 months of me camming almost 3 years ago).
3) Obviously we're doing something illegal. Hubby buying a "Heisenberg" hat didn't help that one much.
4) Don't we have plans for the future?
For that, his dad barely talks to us when we visit about every 2 weeks. Our kids are well-behaved and (if I can say so) absolutely brilliant little buggers reading, being ~1st grade but reading at highschool level. The benefits of having both parents always at home with them are obvious.
Some people are just going to judge, and some parents are just going to be like that no matter what evidence you show them to the contrary. 2 concepts that people can't seem to wrap their brains around:
1) Entrepreneurship - Adult industry or not, if you're "on your own" without a boss, some people just can't understand why you would trade security for a chance to make money at your own pace. What a lot of older generations don't understand is that this "security" no longer exists anywhere, as we found out in a very hard way in 2008. No matter how professional, competent, and educated you are your butt can be on the chopping block. For them, the "American Dream" still means getting a nice factory or office worker job that you do for 40 years, with a good union salary and benefits, and buy a nice little ranch house in suburbia to raise your 10.5 kids. If you deviate from that, you're some kind of low-life taking advantage of the system.
2) Sexual Hangups - Like it or not, some people just can't seem to understand sexuality/sex work/having a sex life. Porn is something other people do. For this, I would take her up on her counseling offer (unless its some kind of wacky "pray away the gay" type) and let her see the other side of things. Modern psychology recognizes a lot of things as "normal" that wasn't necessarily so 20-30 years ago, and maybe its time she caught up.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
I really appreciate the responses I've received. Thanks for your insight, sharing your experiences, etc. My mom really cares about me but she's very conditioned to view sex and the adult industry from a skewed perspective. She seemed very disappointed when I told her I'm not interested in counseling, and that I no longer want to speak to her about it.
I honestly think she believes I'm in dire need of counseling because my previous history of abuse has led me into such a "self-destructive" career field. In reality, sexuality is just huge part of my self-expression and camming is one of the ways I can be creative with it. It's true that there is so much stigma about women who are openly sexual-we're always pegged as "damaged". I don't appreciate that-I've come a long way and been actively healing for years and I always do my best to take care of myself emotionally with camming.
As far as the group counseling thing, I think I rejected that more because when I talk about my job with her, I end up repeating and explaining myself over and over again, and all she does is bash and de-legitimize the work I'm doing. I think it's unhealthy for me to place myself in those sorts of situations, where I'm repeatedly shamed for what I do. I want to work everyday with a positive attitude, since I already encounter enough challenges.
Maybe when she meets me half-way I'll meet her there, too-but I'm not self-sacrificing enough to be held responsible for the amount of conditioning she has.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Quote:
Originally Posted by
redlight1500
-My Sex/body should be shared with a significant other, only. My clients are the scum of the Earth and only scumbags purchase sex/shows
There is so many things wrong with this! It is YOUR body! I hate how people think that a woman's body is for HER man only, and she has no say what to do with it. I have sexual ownership with my body.
Also most are not scum. I have men that treat me like a princess. They rather see me taken care of first before I even dildo myself.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Sharing something really personal in order to feel closer with ANYONE is never a good way to form or strengthen bonds. I never get why people do this.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Quote:
Originally Posted by
lokikola
Sharing something really personal in order to feel closer with ANYONE is never a good way to form or strengthen bonds. I never get why people do this.
That's interesting. I'm curious to know what you think is a good way to form or strengthen bonds with another person.
I should also mention that camming is not "really personal" to me-I promote myself to total strangers online, and tell new friends and acquaintances what I do all the time. I figure my mom should at least know, since everyone else does.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Quote:
Originally Posted by
redlight1500
That's interesting. I'm curious to know what you think is a good way to form or strengthen bonds with another person.
I should also mention that camming is not "really personal" to me-I promote myself to total strangers online, and tell new friends and acquaintances what I do all the time. I figure my mom should at least know, since everyone else does.
Everyone is different. This is my POV. As much as I wish I was close with everyone in my family I don't snare everything about my life with them. Especially my job. With some people it just leads to problems; them. It accepting what I do and judging me as a person for it and me refusing to quit.
Sometimes keeping the peace works out better for everyone... Sometimes a private life IS a happy life.
As far as how to get close with people besides spilling every secret, I like cooking with friends, having dinner, shopping together, doing pedis together, working out together, talking shit about other people...lol just kidding. My point is there are many ways to bond with people without feeling you have to share something so personal/private with them which it seems to be for the op.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Hi there. I have a... difficult mother too, although she doesn't know about camming so she just gets on my case about every other thing in my life that she doesn't like. This is what works for me: next time she starts in on all that just tell her that every time she says something negative about your job you will immediately hang up and won't talk to her again for (a week, two weeks, a month, whatever's enough to scare her.) Then follow through. She'll probably say something shitty within a few minutes of you saying this. Don't argue, don't even say goodbye, just hang up and ignore her calls for the time frame you gave her. Once the time's up, think of some pleasant things to talk about that have nothing to do with your job and give her a call. If she starts in on your job again, hang up the phone without ceremony and wait it out again. This could be adapted for visits (just pick up and leave), Facebook (don't acknowledge her, maybe even block her), etc. It may take a few cycles of this but it works. The idea is to get it through her head that you won't tolerate her behavior. She can't say those awful things to you and have you in her life. So every time you cut off contact she'll think about what she said, how much she misses you and what she'll do differently to avoid making you cut off contact again. Like a time-out for adults.
Obviously YMMV--I know my mom really misses me and would never choose to cut off contact with me, if your mom's more the type to hold a grudge then this might not work as well for you. But it works great for me and I only actually had to follow through maybe 2-3 times (I've been doing this for several years now) before she got the point. Now a simple "Mom, I'm hanging up" will get her to immediately change the subject. It's improved our relationship immeasurably and it sounds like it could help yours as well.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
OP, I am sorry to hear you are going through this, but you can easily stop this from continuing.
A mother will always be a mother, and unfortunately because she is your senior, she will most likely not understand why your views are different.
A mother cannot choose how their offspring express their sexuality. You are comfortable in your own skin, you are doing this for your benefit, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I would simply say to her that you appreciate her concern for you, but you are a big girl and you can make big girl decisions for yourself. You aren't under the same roof as her, so it's ultimately up to you how you live your life. Never let someone sway you away from doing something you want to do...(as long as it's safe. And it is.)
I wish you the best of luck, OP!
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Also I wanted to point out that your mum sounds very scared and concerned for you.
Because she seems sex workers as troubled she is now assuming that you are troubled and as a mother this concerns her. She does not want her daughter to be that troubled to the extent she has to become a sex worker. No doubt your mum feels very hurt about what has sexually happened to you in your past and possibly takes some kind guilt (as most parents would) and to her she probably feels guilt that you have 'had to resort to this in your life'. (In a mothers point of view who is disproving of sex workers).
Your mum could feel that you have reached an ultimate low point in your life.
Of course this is not true and you have your own reasons for wanting to cam and feel happy about it. Once your mum see's you happy and building your life and content she will start to feel calm and reassured that her daughter is happy and building a fantastic life for herself. She will no longer care what the source is to your happiness but will only care that you are happy. That's what any mother wants for her child.
The things she is saying is coming from a place of her own guilt and responsibility of you. (Follow what I had said with not mentioning it to her and more importantly stop convincing her of all the reasons why it's good to do and why it's not so bad, because she cannot see it right now)
Continue with what you do and create your happiness and she will see it, she needs to see it not hear it.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
My mom is like that... but with all aspects of life so about a year ago I cut her out of my life completely. It's hard when someone as close to you as your mother is like talking to a brick wall. If I were your situation and I did disclose and she reacted that way a few weeks later I would probably tell her "Mom I thought about what you said and I decided to do (insert other work at home job here) instead"
My alias is that i'm a web developer and its something that I have done and have a lot of experience so you could use something you have experience with instead.
But I know a lot of women would probably take the "this is what I am doing and she needs to learn to accept it" route.
It's really encouraging to read the search engine top results and the news with all this pro-feminism, support of gay and transgender right, marijuana legalization,etc. I really don't think that porn has gotten to that point yet but I have hopes that it and other legal adult work will get there in the future and more will support and accept it. But... there's always going to be the opposing side and the people that do not and will not.
This is totally a side note, but does anyone else wish that Laverne Cox was a webcam model? I love love love her.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
10 years ago when I started out my mom was like that, sometimes she is still like that because I haven't finished high school or gone to college and I am crawling to 30, but she still slips in how she wants grand babies.
Basically the way I see it if you are old enough to cam you are old enough to deal with the hiccups that come along with it. Family yes they might like what you do or your choices, but you also have a choice to have a relationship with them or not.
So I give her 3 months to bitch and complain about how she doesn't approve and if your still bothered by it then you have to make a choice of can you live with her opinions about it or move on with your life and continue camming.
Re: Mother Doesn't Respect Webcam Modeling
Ugh my family's from Europe so I couldn't even imagine bringing it up. I have a fashion blog complete with affiliate links and everything because I thought I could make something out of it at one point. So I just tell them I started making money from that and update a post here and there so it doesn't look completely abandoned. They haven't really asked much about it so it works. I also moved far enough to where they don't want to bother driving up to see me lol, it's good for both of us to just never talk about it