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Husband wants me to quit. :(
Ill make this short. My husbands been giving me guilt about dancing lately. Ive been doing it on and off for years, but lately its gotten bad because he wants a job to support us.
Hes a highschool dropout, with add and cant focus on anything. He blames me for him never having a job as he wants to "Build Up" but i dont think he understands people like him dont build anything, they get a junk job, and stay there their whole life.
I can make decent money dancing. Im meticulous with my appearance, and have never really danced up against anyone that looks like me, not in a cocky way, but i have a very typical dancer look and most girls are either alternative, or urban, and i try to go for basic stripper 101. (Blonde hair to waist, big boobs pushed up as high as possible, dark makeup), which makes the money flow pretty easily.
Anyway the point is, i know if he gets some poopy job working 10+ hours everyday, making what i would make in 2 every week, i would be miserable.
I grew up pretty poor, so i did he, he sometimes says i need to accept it and i want to much, but i dont want to stop wanting nice things, or to live in cool areas. He would be happy in a tiny apartment in the middle of a town of 5000, doing nothing, ever but watching tv.
It would be awesome for some advice on how to even get into this discussion with him. His main problem is he wants a job, yet we only have 1 car and he refuses to let me drive to the club alone. He always drives me, by choice.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Money over dick. That's why my ex husband is just that.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Sometimes i feel that way.
Hes my best friend, and i love him dearly, but i also need to survive.... No, not just survive, i want to live.
I cant see being happy in a life where you never have anything, see anything, do anything.
He just dosnt understand how little his money will actually be. Hes never had to provide, and with my jobs in the AI
he thinks moneys easier to make then it is.
Im not liking the guilt im getting latley. Ive never had to deal with this before.
For example, my first night back to dancing full time, i got in the car, exhausted sore and in a pretty decent mood, wanting to talk to him about it
which i had always been able to do , and i was attacked. The first thing he said to me was "You smell like 100 men". I had just sprayed myself with my own private purfume, and then he said he didnt want to be with a "stripper". He says that allot now.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
I can't tell you what to do, sweetie. From your posts I think you've already made up your mind. Good luck. :hugs:
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Quote:
not just survive, i want to live.
I cant see being happy in a life where you never have anything, see anything, do anything
I would add that your situation doesn't just affect the present, it also affects your own future ... as well as your children's future. That's a heavy 'price to pay'.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Im really not even as vain as this post makes me seem.
Im not wanting a mansion in the hills and kicking and stomping my feet until i get it.
Im very torn. i can honestly say with all my heart i adore him, but weve grown apart in recent years and most of the time i ask myself
if im only staying because i dont want my son to have a broken home. Ive always wanted him to grow up and say "My mom and dad have been together
since they where kids" not "My mom and dad had me when they where kids, therefore it was doomed".
He adores me. He literally cant keep his hands off me after all these years. He tells me im beautiful constantly, and sometimes just grabs me and holds me from behind and starts to dance with me. On paper hes the perfect man. But i know he will never be able to take care of me in any decent way.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
I don't understand how does your dancing keep him from getting a job?
You picked him. You married a man with no ambition, no job skills & no education. You wanted control & the upper hand in the relationship & got exactly what you wanted.
Nobody here can advise you, since he is your best friend I recommend you two work it out.
Sam
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
I grew up pretty poor, so i did he, he sometimes says i need to accept it and i want to much, but i dont want to stop wanting nice things, or to live in cool areas.
People who say money doesn't buy happiness, just don't have either of them. I don't see anything wrong with wanting more than you had as a child. Nothing wrong with wanting your child to have more opporitunity than you had. That is actually how things SHOULD be imo. I grew up poor too, fuck that shit. Now I believe that when looking for a mate, they should be an upgrade, make more money than you or look way better than you. But that is just my opinion. The only time I deviated from this line of thinking I ended up miserable and got to lose a lot in a divorce.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
I love him dearly, but i also need to survive.... No, not just survive, i want to live.
I cant see being happy in a life where you never have anything, see anything, do anything.
He just dosnt understand how little his money will actually be. Hes never had to provide, and with my jobs in the AI
he thinks moneys easier to make then it is.
Im not liking the guilt im getting latley. Ive never had to deal with this before.
For example, my first night back to dancing full time, i got in the car, exhausted sore and in a pretty decent mood, wanting to talk to him about it
which i had always been able to do , and i was attacked. The first thing he said to me was "You smell like 100 men". I had just sprayed myself with my own private purfume, and then he said he didnt want to be with a "stripper". He says that allot now.
Tell him to get a job and see how well the 3 of you get by his $8.50 an hour without going to the state for help. Keep dancing in the meantime, but just "live" on his paycheck. Get a second car and drive yourself to and from work. He probably feels like a failure or something because of the ideal of the men being breadwinners and taking care of the family and he can't do it to the same degree you can. It is also possible the the comments may be coming from some insecurities related to the issues involving your "friend last year. Doesn't excuse him sounding and acting like an asshole, but just a possible reason.
Good luck.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
Ill make this short. My husbands been giving me guilt about dancing lately. Ive been doing it on and off for years, but lately its gotten bad because he wants a job to support us.
Hes a highschool dropout, with add and cant focus on anything. He blames me for him never having a job as he wants to "Build Up" but i dont think he understands people like him dont build anything, they get a junk job, and stay there their whole life.
I can make decent money dancing. Im meticulous with my appearance, and have never really danced up against anyone that looks like me, not in a cocky way, but i have a very typical dancer look and most girls are either alternative, or urban, and i try to go for basic stripper 101. (Blonde hair to waist, big boobs pushed up as high as possible, dark makeup), which makes the money flow pretty easily.
If you want to have any type of long term financial stability while still being with him, then this dynamic needs to change. You cannot dance forever and you are only one illness or accident away from being destitute. IMHO you both need to be taking advantage of this window of time, when you can dance, to position yourselves for life after dancing.
The way I see this, you really have 4 paths here:
Option 1. Find a way to improve both of you while you still have dancer income so that you have better options when your time dancing is done. Can he not get his GED and then get some technical training? Is there something that you could train for in preparation for your 30s, 40s and beyond? I bet that, if he was working towards something, he would feel a lot less insecure about all of this and give you a lot less grief.
Option 2. Stay with him, improve yourself for the future and support him forever. You wouldn't be the first woman to do this.
Option 3. Stay with him and do nothing but live for today. That may work for today, but he'll likely continue to be miserable and this won't really help you much in the long run since, if I'm not mistaken, you're burning through most of your current income now just to pay current expenses. When you can no longer dance, then what?
Option 4. If he is truly hopeless, or you are just tired of the issues with him, then dump his ass and eventually find someone with better prospects.
I hate to be this blunt about it, but based upon this and other things you've posted over time, IMHO this is what it boils down to. Now I'm not going to tell you which path to take because only you can know what is best for you, but IMHO Options 1 and 4 are the most tenable. Option 2 kinda' sucks and option 3 is really not one that I think anyone would choose willingly, but could happen through simple inaction.
In any event, good luck!
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
He blames me for him never having a job as he wants to "Build Up" but i dont think he understands people like him dont build anything, they get a junk job, and stay there their whole life.
I can make decent money dancing. Im meticulous with my appearance, and have never really danced up against anyone that looks like me, not in a cocky way, but i have a very typical dancer look and most girls are either alternative, or urban, and i try to go for basic stripper 101. (Blonde hair to waist, big boobs pushed up as high as possible, dark makeup), which makes the money flow pretty easily.
Anyway the point is, i know if he gets some poopy job working 10+ hours everyday, making what i would make in 2 every week, i would be miserable.
I grew up pretty poor, so i did he, he sometimes says i need to accept it and i want to much, but i dont want to stop wanting nice things, or to live in cool areas. He would be happy in a tiny apartment in the middle of a town of 5000, doing nothing, ever but watching tv.
It would be awesome for some advice on how to even get into this discussion with him. His main problem is he wants a job, yet we only have 1 car and he refuses to let me drive to the club alone. He always drives me, by choice.
I really don't understand this. How are you preventing him from working?
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
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most of the time i ask myself if im only staying because i dont want my son to have a broken home. I've always wanted him to grow up and say "My mom and dad have been together since they where kids" not "My mom and dad had me when they where kids, therefore it was doomed
I actually faced this dllemma myself many years back. On the one hand, staying with my ex would have spared my son the trauma of a divorce. But staying with my ex would have also meant me being able to spend very little time with my son as I worked lots of hours at a near minimum wage job ... would have also meant scrounging money from my parents to buy enough food / fuel to keep my son warm and fed in the dead of winter ... would have meant driving my son around in a relatively unsafe relatively unreliable car ... would also have meant zero savings, leaving my son with the best future opportunities involving a community college and/or huge student loan debt ... but most of all would have left my son with the daily example that it's OK for a man to 'sit around' all day long playing guitar, playing video games, going fishing, hanging out with ( loser ) buddies, etc. while the woman goes off to work.
Lots of years later, my son has completed his BA ( without student loan debt ), has a decent full time job with benefits, a decent car, and is able to save money towards his own future. He still loves his father, but realizes that my ex hasn't accomplished anything and can't be counted on for anything !!!
And as I hinted about earlier, the high earnings 'window of opportunity' available to dancers doesn't last forever. Thus if you continue to deliberate the issue, every year you remain in the current situation is a year's worth of dancer earnings potential which will be 'lost'. And unfortunately, if you do change your mind 5 years down the road, there's no way to recoup 5 years worth of 'lost opportunity costs' i.e. voluntarily earning <$20k per year at a near minimum wage job versus earning >$50k per year as a dancer ( and saving $10-20k of the difference every year ).
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
He sounds like a moron. You quitting your job will not magically grant him a job.
If he wants to work, he needs to work. He can take a bus or look for a job that works with your hours, which isn't that hard since strippers usually work at night.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
If another dancer posted this, what advice would you give her? Is your relationship going to keep you happy if it traps you in a bleak, hardscrabble life of poverty?
You know what's right for you.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
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Is your relationship going to keep you happy if it traps you in a bleak, hardscrabble life of poverty?
... actually, it will also trap your son in a bleak, hardscrabble life of poverty too !!! IMHO it's one thing for a girl to make such a choice that only affects herself. It's another thing for a mother to make such a choice which also affects her children.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
You do not sound vain in your posts at all. You sound like someone who is disappointed with the person she has tried to have a life with, and with good reason. From what you've written, it sounds like the best option for you and your son is to leave. It will hurt for a while, but it seems that staying with him would hurt for a whole lot longer.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
This kind of sounds like me and my bf. We're not married but we've been together 3 years now. He's my best friend and we're so similar and he seems great on paper too but he likes to use excuses like it sounds like your husband likes to. He can't work because he "has" to drive you to work all the time? That's an excuse for him to either not have a job or for you to stop stripping. My bf loves to use excuses for why he can't go back to school or whatever else he blows off and lately I have gotten so tired of it I pretty much gave him an ultimatum. I told him I was 100% done with him and moving on if he kept bullshitting why his life sucks right now and giving more excuses as to why he can't do this or that. I really was done and I think he knew that and it scared him so now he's getting his shit together. We've had that exact conversation too. He said something about me only thinking about money and I told him no I was living in reality and not dreamland like him where couples can stay together on love alone. It sounds nice but in the real world that is not the case!!
Anyway, maybe try doing what I did. I wasn't playing any games I really was over him if he kept being a loser but it seemed to get him to realize he needs to change if he wants to be with me. Why don't you tell him stripping is only temporary, save up to buy a second car, then he can use a car to possibly go back to school and get a degree. Why don't you come up with a plan for what you will do when you can't strip anymore? Unless he plans to support all three of you on his own that's even more a reason for him to figure out a career that will make enough for you all to live comfortably. In the mean time buy a car, build up your savings, and tell him that stripping is only benefiting your family and if he is too much of an idiot to realize that then you would be better off raising your son on your own. If you stay with him money problems may eventually break you guys up later on anyway, that's what I told my bf. Now he doesn't tell me to stop stripping like he used to.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
The comments about you smelling like 100 men are completely out of line and uncalled for, and are probably coming from insecurity in feeling like a loser instead of the "man" of the house. When he says stuff like that, assert that it's not ok. But in exchange, I think it would be fair to sit down and have a real discussion with him about what he thinks he wants to do for work and how he plans to achieve it.
On the one hand, I want to say it's a little judgmental for you to dismiss his ideas of ever having a good job, but on the other hand, he sounds a bit delusional. Have you asked him what exactly he means when he says he wants to "build up?" Like, specifically, not just "oh, one day, I'll have some vague 'prestigious' position... but only if you're not still a dirty stripper." Ask him what he wants to do, where he wants himself and your family to be in 5-10 years, and how he plans to achieve that. I bet he doesn't actually have a real plan, and this will force him to think about it. Don't get snarky about him not having a real plan, but point out that there isn't one, and what can you do to help him craft one that makes everyone financially and emotionally happy. What do you want to do once you hit burnout age with stripping? Come up with your own plan of something else that could make you happy. Be firm about the fact that you are not going to up and quit on mere hopeful promises of him getting a decent job or you just stumbling across something else that makes good money and fulfills you. No one else would quit a relatively stable, pretty happy, lucrative job without some other plan in place for the future - strippers can't do it either. He's looking at it emotionally - you need to help him see it logically, professionally, and financially.
But at the same time as "being real" with him and making him face reality, you need to be supportive. No one likes being talked down to like they're dumb or you're their mother lecturing them on how stupid their ideas are. Instead of just pointing out that you make tons of money, are good at what you do, and screw him, he's shown no ambition anyway, put the both of you on the same team. You're married. This isn't "you vs. him" - it should be the both of you supporting each other to figure out what's going to be best for your family, and, if you have your shit together more than he does, you helping him figure out what he's actually going to do.
I can't help but think about your thread with the inappropriate guy friend, and how you said you were attracted to him because sometimes you want a man to "put you in your place." It seems like you have some issues with your husband not stepping up and being the masculine entity that you truly respect and crave. I do think he needs to "man up" and start taking real responsibility rather than blaming you for what he doesn't like about his life, but I also think that you need to support him in that. Let him be a man sometimes by taking his ambitions seriously and asking what you can do to help support that (and no, I'm not saying quitting dancing is 'helping'). It will make him feel like you take him seriously and actually do need him around and that might make him step up to take care of his woman. But he's not going to be motivated to do that if it's always this clear tension that you don't need him. And, realistically, no, you don't need him and could take care of yourself, but that truth is not going to make him man up. He's just going to lash out in a little-boy temper tantrum. I know we're all strong, independent women on here, but sometimes, especially in a marriage, you need to step back and let your man be a man. You can do that while still remaining a strong woman with a good head on about your realistic financial situation and asserting that you can't just up and quit right now because he doesn't like it.
There's a fine line to walk between supporting him in doing this and then getting stuck waiting for him to do something that he can't focus on and never accomplishes if he really has no ambition to do so. There's no sense in sticking around a guy like that. But I think you can make it easier to steer him in the direction of productivity that makes you both happy before throwing in the towel on him. Good luck!
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
^That was such a well thought out responds. Yay maturity!
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Reason why he doesn't want you in a strip club, because you go to work & are around successful rich men who have REAL JOBs & REAL careers. He is afraid you will upgrade him for a more financially secure man than him.
Who is more important? him or your kid? If he loved the kid as much as you did, he would have a job or two jobs. A job that has insurance & benefits to take care of emergency situations.
Blaming you, dissing the money that pays the bills, that puts food on the table is ungrateful & spiteful. Who does that to a person they love, to someone they married? What kind of person doesn't pull their weight financially?
It is easy & cheap to get a GED. There are ways to get some kind of trade or education without lots of money. Where there is a will there is a way.
Start selling off the tv, the video games & such, cancel the cable. Not important when both of you should be working & saving money. Do that & see the fit he throws because he is spoiled...
Sam
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
Ill make this short. My husbands been giving me guilt about dancing lately. Ive been doing it on and off for years, but lately its gotten bad because he wants a job to support us.
Hes a highschool dropout, with add and cant focus on anything. He blames me for him never having a job as he wants to "Build Up" but i dont think he understands people like him dont build anything, they get a junk job, and stay there their whole life.
I can make decent money dancing. Im meticulous with my appearance, and have never really danced up against anyone that looks like me, not in a cocky way, but i have a very typical dancer look and most girls are either alternative, or urban, and i try to go for basic stripper 101. (Blonde hair to waist, big boobs pushed up as high as possible, dark makeup), which makes the money flow pretty easily.
Anyway the point is, i know if he gets some poopy job working 10+ hours everyday, making what i would make in 2 every week, i would be miserable.
I grew up pretty poor, so i did he, he sometimes says i need to accept it and i want to much, but i dont want to stop wanting nice things, or to live in cool areas. He would be happy in a tiny apartment in the middle of a town of 5000, doing nothing, ever but watching tv.
It would be awesome for some advice on how to even get into this discussion with him. His main problem is he wants a job, yet we only have 1 car and he refuses to let me drive to the club alone. He always drives me, by choice.
I would tell him you are continuing to dance and he is free to leave if he doesn't like it. He's a bum and unless he changes (gets a GED, training etc)he will continue to be a bum. Do you want to be married to a bum? I doubt it so your choices are to dance and better yourself and leave or dance to better yourself while he betters himself. Btw without a diploma he is severely limited and he would be lucky to get a job in fast food.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Sounds to me like you don't have a lot of faith in your husband. My oldest brother dropped out of high school, got his GED, and now owns a very successful collision repair shop in San Francisco. He's the breadwinner of our entire family. It doesn't matter if he dropped out of high school, if he's motivated and able to achieve, he will. The idea that those who drop out of high school can not succeed in life is ridiculous. However, it is still important that he understand where you're coming from. If he's not doing anything to support the family, you should clarify that you're in a position to provide, and will be continuing to do so until he steps up to the plate.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Don't marry highschool dropouts with ADD that can't hold a job no matter how much you like them.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Hate to break it to you girlfran but you need a divorce. If he wants a job thats all fine and dandy but he shouldn't expect you to give up yours and your lifestyle because of it. Like, srsly, how the fuck does that even make any sense?
As the product of a "broken" home all I have to say is I WISH MY PARENTS HAD GOTTEN DIVORCED SOONER. The divorce wasn't as hard to deal with as all the misery they caused while together.
I have more to say on this whole situation but fear it won't be welcomed or helpful because you may not want/be ready to hear it… so I'll stop here.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
As with all choices, you'll have to weigh each side. All we can do is commiserate with you. You know your situation best and will have to make the call.
It was already pointed out that it seems odd he'd believe your dancing was hindering him finding a decent job. Is he running for political office? Sounds like a very desperate attempt to blame his own failings on someone else. I highly, highly doubt that's his main motivation in persuading you to quit dancing. And if it is his main motivation, he should think it through more.
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Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
I think you two need family counseling. And especially he needs an evaluation of why he wants to hold you down from having a decent life. If he refuses to improve after he learns his problem, you will likely dump him and move on.