Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
lokikola
As the product of a "broken" home all I have to say is I WISH MY PARENTS HAD GOTTEN DIVORCED SOONER. The divorce wasn't as hard to deal with as all the misery they caused while together.
Preach. I was lucky that my parents' unhappy marriage didn't involve any physical / verbal abuse or anything like that...but the negative tension we all endured for years was extraordinarily uncomfortable for everyone involved. They were both incredible parents, but the tension between the two of them was tangible. I was so happy when they finally divorced (around when I was 14). We lived on a bit less money than before, but we had a blast working as a team to find ways to cut back on spending.
Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
I'm not going to gang up on the husband... or discuss ultimatums.
Your husband appears to be dealing with depression and some self-esteem issues. He's insecure, mad at himself, and projecting his insecurities onto you.
Look at it this way, the dude isn't doing much. You love him, and he is probably scared to death of you leaving him because 1. you're gorgeous, 2. guys adore you, 3. he isn't exactly living up to his/anyone's expectations.
He is probably dealing with a tumultuous storm of emotions. He's lashing out because it's the easy thing to do. It’s not easy to confront the reality and turn your attention inward.
When someone starts 'cracking', all the icky stuff spills out.
HOW TO FIX THIS:
Unconsciously, he may be trying to stabilize a lop-sided relationship by bringing you to his level.
The only way to counter-act that drag is to help him elevate himself to your level.
Wouldn't it be nice if you were a power couple?
Have an honest talk with your man with that thought in mind.
Your husband seems stuck in a rut and he is handling it badly. It happens to the best and smartest of us. I've been very close to people like that. A track record of failed attempts will do that to you.
Ask him what *he* wants… not what he wants *you* to do (or not do). Ask him how you can help him. Would some sessions with a career coach (online or in person) be helpful? Does one of your friends or relatives have an opportunity available that aligns with your husbands interests? Maybe there are classes and programs that cater to non-traditional students in your area… would he be interested in exploring something like that?
Offer help.
You want him to be just as successful as you are. You want him to be happy. Tell your husband you want to see him thrive. If he accepts the help, the advice, or the opportunities… I can promise you that his angst will subside. Your dreams will be fulfilled twice over.
P.S. He is probably driving you to make himself feel useful and to get some sense of autonomy... he doesn't want to be stranded at home bumming rides from friends while you're out working hard. Annoying as it may be, it makes him feel like a grown man.... probably.
Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Lifestyle compatibility is huge when it comes to making a relationship work. And your lives are just not compatible anymore.
You can only really stay in a relationship with someone at the same level as you. If you're attractive and motivated, he better also be attractive and motivated. If he is missing those components, they can be substituted with other things... If you're attractive and motivated, it would be okay for him to have money and be really nice. But if you can't substitute in other good qualities for the ones he is lacking, then he is not on the same level as you, and you are not compatible anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
charlie61
Preach. I was lucky that my parents' unhappy marriage didn't involve any physical / verbal abuse or anything like that...but the negative tension we all endured for years was extraordinarily uncomfortable for everyone involved. They were both incredible parents, but the tension between the two of them was tangible. I was so happy when they finally divorced (around when I was 14). We lived on a bit less money than before, but we had a blast working as a team to find ways to cut back on spending.
I am SO much happier when my parents are separated, too! Even growing up. 1 million times better separate than together. Even when dirt poor.
Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BuffyFlame
Sometimes i feel that way.
Hes my best friend, and i love him dearly, but i also need to survive.... No, not just survive, i want to live.
I cant see being happy in a life where you never have anything, see anything, do anything.
He just dosnt understand how little his money will actually be. Hes never had to provide, and with my jobs in the AI
he thinks moneys easier to make then it is.
Im not liking the guilt im getting latley. Ive never had to deal with this before.
For example, my first night back to dancing full time, i got in the car, exhausted sore and in a pretty decent mood, wanting to talk to him about it
which i had always been able to do , and i was attacked. The first thing he said to me was "You smell like 100 men". I had just sprayed myself with my own private purfume, and then he said he didnt want to be with a "stripper". He says that allot now.
He he the smell thing is funny. It's true you can smell all the men on them if they have danced for a lot of guys, and it's kind of off putting truthfully--if you think about it that way, in sheer mammalian terms--but it's such a minor thing and only to be expected. Also I know after a night in the booth I smell like 20-50 dancers, and I'm not even getting dances.
:D
Most guys can't handle it. They aren't necessarily to blame for that, and most women cannot handle having a male dancer or SCDJ as a SO.
But if your guy doesn't have a car and cannot find a job, that's his problem. He needs to Man Up about it.
Re: Husband wants me to quit. :(
Never bet on somebody changing. Hope they will, try to help them do so - but never assume they will or bet on it happening - it's terrible odds. Anytime you're unhappy in a relationship that has lasted for long enough that you know where it's been and where it's headed ask yourself this ONE question:
"If nothing changes in 5 years, if everything is as it is now in 5 years, will I be happy and not want those years back?" If the answer is no, either leave or make it clear to your partner that you're working toward a personal goal that may or may not include them down the road if they aren't on board. Then actually follow through. This in no way makes you a bad person. This makes you an adult.
What several others have said is 100% true - much of his behavior re your job is because he feels worthless and insecure right now. Believe me - I've been there myself. And again, as others have said - he's making excuses. (To MY credit, even in my present circumstances, I've never asked MM or one of our girlfriends to quit dancing or complained about them "smelling like other men", etc, lol. I'm old enough to know when projecting my insecurities onto my partner...) And driving you to and from work isn't preventing him from getting a job. That's the single stupidest thing I've ever heard. I worked 2 jobs AND drove my ex to and from the club for 2 years. Yes, it was inconvenient. Yes, it cut into my sleep. But she never knew if she'd end up "having" to drink in a VIP room and we both decided that $80 per night for her to take a cab wasn't worth it. Suck it up.