Guys begging for forgiveness
So, we've all been there. We've all dated bad boyfriends. They do something awful, we dump them and then they come crawling back, asking for forgiveness. Have you ever taken a guy back based on what he said? Did he keep his promises or did he just go back to being an ass after a while? I talked to a bunch of my girlfriends and we concluded that forgiving bad behavior always seems to make the guys think "Oh I can do this again!" And nothing really changes. What did your guy do? How did he ask for forgiveness? Did he change? And how can one stay strong when it's really tempting to take the guy back??
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
I have given this question a lot of thought, & here's my conclusion:
Forgiving sm1 =/= taking them back. You can forgive whatever they did & decide to no longer hold it against them, while realising that they are not (currently, at least) good to have in your life for whatever reason.
As to the 'Can they change?' question, I am finding more & more certainty in my stance that no, ppl don't change, at least not w/o help & the willingness to put in the necessary work.
The guy I was dating until recently was -- I emphasise the past tense here -- the only one of my exes that I was friends w/ after we broke up. We were friends for what will be 6 yrs nxt wk, altho our last breakup was a few months ago bc substance abuse + lying are dealbreakers for me. My exp w/ him in a nutshell -- yrs ago he literally dropped off the grid when he went out of the US for a job. No emails, no calls, no nothing. I didn't know if he was alive or dead, & then he suddenly waltzed back into my life & tried to apologise like nothing happened. As you can imagine I was pretty livid & we didn't talk for a few months, but I got over it & we worked on building the friendship back up. Well, FF to the last few months, & I am finding that there are sm very important things that he sorta-kinda-on-purpose neglected to let me know abt during that period & the times surrounding it, & they only came up yrs later when he was exhibiting the same behaviours from the first time he dropped out of my life. Remember, this is over a 6yr period of knowing a person.
In my last correspondence to him, I told him explicitly that until he got help for his substance & behavioural problems, I didn't want to hear from him. I have heard once or twice from him, over txt of course bc he is spineless that way, but I have given only the barest minimum of responses & the last time he contacted me I told him plainly that I wasn't doing a txt conversation. Not surprisingly I have not heard anything from him since then, & that was around Thnxgiving. None of these attempts to contact me included apologies or requests for forgiveness, or any other suggestions of atonement. I think if he did grow a pair & get sm counselling it could go a long way, but he is not the first person I've dated w/ substance abuse problems so I would not actually believe he was going unless he literally sent me a receipt from the therapist.
This is just based of my recent experience, + contemplating that alongside previous situations. I have become a lot less of a doormat over the last decade & it's made a huge positive difference in my life, both re: romantic & platonic relationships. In the case of this guy I'm describing here, I would need to have a long, in-person talk w/ him -- in person bc you miss SOOOO many nonverbal cues over the phone, & lay out what I need from him since he wrecked my trust. I have thought hard abt this & decided that, after all the shit he's pulled both recently & over the last few yrs that I recently learnt abt, my demands are not unreasonable. My demands are also not negotiable, bc like I said, he's not the first person I've dated who had/has these problems, & frankly, I am done w/ the BS. That's how I would 'stay strong thru temptation' -- he dug himself into this hole w/ his actions & his choices, so it's on him to earn back the place he had in my life.
So that's my thoughts on that. You can forgive sm1 w/o letting them walk all over you, but when it comes to them earning back your trust, you need to be a bit of a hardass.
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
I think it really depends on the situation. If it's something they've done more than once, if they felt bad about it and came clean or lied and hid it, how bad we're talking. If it was a one time mistake or something that's indicative of an ongoing personality trait.
We all make mistakes, no one's perfect-- but it's really up to you whether you think it's something you can forgive and understand, or the guy is just a dick.
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
Quote:
Originally Posted by
HoolaTwister
Did he keep his promises or did he just go back to being an ass after a while? I talked to a bunch of my girlfriends and we concluded that forgiving bad behavior always seems to make the guys think "Oh I can do this again!" And nothing really changes.
^Honestly, in my experience no-people rarely change long term. It depends on the situation, the hurtful act and the person's mind set or circumstances at the time (but these can also be used as excuses to justify bad behavior). But, everyone is different and there are people who turn their lives around or wake up to themselves after the shock of losing a partner etc.
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
If they do something out of character and you know it's a one time mistake and not really like them, then it's forgivable. If it's something that's part of their nature it's going to keep happening. Like if he cheats and asks forgiveness, but he's always been constantly looking at other women, talking to other women, cruising match.com and shit he's going to cheat again and again.
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
Ha, I was actually thinking about this this morning...never take someone back. IF things are meant to be, the problems or misunderstanding will fade away with time. But 99% of the time people don't work out for valid reasons. Also we as humans don't realize we process much more about our relationships (all of them) than we comprehend right when the relationship is occurring. After the fact we often come to a perfect understanding about the truth in our romances and even relationships with parents and siblings.
I've noticed in small towns I've seen situations where people take each other back due to lack of options. You rarely see this in bigger cities, unless there's some concrete reason the two people have kept a non-romantic association (like a shared business or shared property, etc.)
Women need to take a page of out of the Man's Playbook- men on average can easily separate sex and love. It's better if you can too. Sometimes youthful lust is mistaken for love, and sometimes just because you have strong feelings for someone does not mean you are better off with that person in the long term.
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
Quote:
Originally Posted by
HoolaTwister
So, we've all been there. We've all dated bad boyfriends. They do something awful, we dump them and then they come crawling back, asking for forgiveness. Have you ever taken a guy back based on what he said? Did he keep his promises or did he just go back to being an ass after a while? I talked to a bunch of my girlfriends and we concluded that forgiving bad behavior always seems to make the guys think "Oh I can do this again!" And nothing really changes. What did your guy do? How did he ask for forgiveness? Did he change? And how can one stay strong when it's really tempting to take the guy back??
Not everyone. Why would you take someone back for doing something awful to you or treating you poorly? What's tempting about that?
Move on. Stop shopping in the used car lot.
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Vackra
Not everyone. Why would you take someone back for doing something awful to you or treating you poorly? What's tempting about that?
Move on. Stop shopping in the used car lot.
O, I'm so using this line!:)
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
Both times I took back ex's because of feels. Both of those relationships failed imediatly after we got back together. Not even a month. Just caused me heartache, stress, and fuckary.
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”
― Mae West, Wit & Wisdom of Mae West
“Don't cry for a man who's left you--the next one may fall for your smile.”
― Mae West
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
lol @ used car lot. OMG that is awesome
Re: Guys begging for forgiveness
Nope. I know what I'm looking for and dead weight isn't it.