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thank you
I'm so sorry hon. I got drugged by a private show customer years ago & it was one of the more unpleasant things that happened to me during that time in my life.
You were victimized and should reach out for help.
As for going back to the club, don't do it. Lie and say you were so drunk you fell and scraped up your face & cannot work again until it heals. Then go work at another club or just do something else for a while.
I wish I could hug you. Please get help and even see if you can get a rape kit done if there is anything left over from this incident (like your underclothes or things that might show up on a swab. You don't have to press charges to do a rape kit.
You are not disgusting. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Those four dudes very clearly took advantage of you and your drunken state. It's also possible that someone spiked your drink(s), especially if you ended up leaving with the random guy who was buying you drinks. His comment about you not being a prize is also very strange and leads me to think that there may have been something foul afoot, but who knows.
Text your friends back. Don't worry about telling them what happened -- just say you need them around and let them support you. A good friend will understand that you don't have to explain the situation if you just don't want to be alone. If you can't stomach being with friends, consider calling a local distress line. The people on the phone are trained to listen, and maybe that would help.
As for not wanting to strip anymore but needing money -- a break from dancing is likely a good idea, at least for a few days. It's important to keep in mind that it doesn't sound like anything happened in the club, so it's not like anyone will be judging you if you return. Many dancers have had a few too many drinks, so that's not a big deal, I assure you. But if you are 100% done with dancing, definitely explore other job options when you're feeling ready.
Above all -- I am so sorry that last night happened. Surround yourself with people who love you so you can start to heal. Give yourself time to cry and be angry. You will come out of this stronger and wiser. :hug:
I'm so sorry. I'm hugging you in my mind.
In addition to everything that people have said already, keep in mind that you're also suffering from depression and anxiety because you're severely hungover right now. What happened while you were intoxicated on top of that is probably making this seem like rock bottom. And if you were actually drugged, which is what this sounds like, the hangover is particularly awful.
Brains are resilient though. I think once the hangover wears off and you have a couple days of rest you'll feel a hell of a lot less shame and be able to get back to work (maybe at another club). If it takes longer that's okay too, but you might want to go to a mental health professional to help sort it out.
You're still the same person you were before this happened. When smart, classy people drink too much or are drugged (I'd be shocked if you weren't honestly) they act like you did too.
Good luck, hugs, feel free to PM :)
I'm so sorry you're going through this! Please be gentle with yourself as you deal with this and try to stop putting yourself down. Sometimes I struggle with feeling like I'm disgusting and stupid too and I found that this worksheet is really helpful with stopping the negativity: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com...ad95d9e4c3.jpg
You're not alone in any sense. Your friends are reaching out to you via text, SW is here for you, there are lots of other people who have experienced this, and there are resources to help you.
Hugs, girl. Keep your chin up. You will pull through!
The comment that guy made makes me think the OP was set up. The sad truth is women have been known to lure other women into situations where they can be assaulted b/c of some sick power dynamic/game they have going on with a man (usually a pimp but sometimes just some jerk rapist.)
OP if you are willing make an anonymous report with the Law in case these guys keep picking up women. Having this info on record could help someone else in the future.
Agree ^^^^ are you sure the 'new friend' you made at work wasn't in on it? I would look as hard at her as I would at any of the guys involved.
I am very sorry this happened, & please, don't be down on yourself. To me it sounds like you were drugged. Maybe there's some free or low cost therapy you could look into? There are free support groups too
I had some similar stuff happen as well.
I know you will take care of yourself better in the future.
Many hugs to you.
Thanks for being braver than me whirlerz. I was speaking from experience too. You really aren't alone, this has happened to so many of us. It gets better <3
I'm going to just come out and say it....
THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!
You were absolutely raped, and I'll bet you were roofied.
Let's look at the situation...
You drank a lot. Unless you regularly drink until you pass out, you may have been drugged.
You took a cab home. I'll bet the club called you a cab and maybe even gave them your address to get you home safely. You could call and ask the club. Say you left something in the cab and need to know who was called.
Someone followed you home. Most likely so that the club staff saw you leave alone, safe, and in a cab. No witnesses that way.
The guys were arguing. Somebody got cold feet, or didn't feel right about what was happening.
One guy was nice to you. He has probably done this before, and unless stopped will do it again.
You did not willingly have sex with anyone. You argued and closed your legs. That means you said NO! Period. End of discussion.
You passed out again. Someone else took a turn. This indicates a multiple assailent conspiracy.
They got you a cab home. This is to both get you away before you have your full faculties about you, and makes you doubt whether they intended harm or make you think it was your fault.
If your boyfriend blames you at this point, he is a fool, but if you let it go, and he finds out later, he will question whether you went willingly or not.
If you keep this to yourself it is your choice, but you will be more likely to heal if you at least file a report. No one will know unless charges are pressed and then no one should care except that you got justice.
I would hope your club would have some concern because this could happen again and make them look really bad.
Does the club have cameras?
As a man, a REAL man, not some wannabe, I am so incredibly sorry that these lowlife scuzzballs did this to you.
First of all, you did nothing wrong. Drinking too much is an accident that happens some times and should NEVER result in worse than embarrassing photos on social media. Being taken advantage of by four men, at least one of which had to be sober enough to be aware of the situation, is rape. Rape is the attacker's fault, never the victim's.
Please go to the ER for a rape kit, and take all of the clothing you wore with you if it hasn't been laundered yet. Ask about blood testing for date rape drugs because you're unsure how much you drank and worried they may be involved. You don't have to press charges now if you don't want to, but gathering evidence and filing a report will give you that option later and give police the heads up to pay attention to similar attacks/reports recently or in the future. You just might be able to help other women even if you don't file charges yourself.
Above all, talk to someone. A counselor, a friend you especially trust, a spiritual leader. Take some time off work while you process this and figure out what to do moving forward. You may just need to take a break from dancing or switch to another club after the initial shock has passed, but it's perfectly okay and understandable if this is where your involvement in the industry ends. What matters most right now is your mental health, your ability to cope, and your happiness.
I second the 'go to the hospital' plea. I'm not sure how much time you have to get blood samples or evidence, but perhaps if you call them a nurse can tell you.
And yes, you are not at fault and have no reason to feel disgusting. Call your friends, you need support now. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
(Stealth edit: Please get a kit just to be safe, OP. Just don't panic yet.)
I'm with you Unkle, except the for the certainty that she was definitely raped in the traditional sense of penis-in-vagina penetration. I love the rest and thank you for saying it.
It's a horrible possibility and nothing to rule out at home via internet advice, but in most cases people can generally tell if something happened by how they feel the next morning, how they smell (either latex or another person's body odor, foreign soaps), etc. I don't know if it's just friend-lore in my social circle, but when someone blacks out in a bad situation, others who have been through the ordeal tend to ask these questions. I personally find them reliable, although you should always get a kit. It just can help someone's frame of mind immensely in the interim. It's common just to fixate on 'what if' thoughtloops, which can make the victim's mental state even worse.
I've unfortunately witnessed several friends and coworkers under the influence of a spiked drink. 'Passing out' doesn't always mean sleeping -- it just means lack of recollection later on, and you can actually be quite vocal and active during a blackout. It makes me wonder why predators continue to use what seems to be the most common cocktail. I guess it's a blessing they tend not to outright sedate their victims, because you could easily kill someone by accident that way.
Horrible creatures, though. I don't want to call them men either.
Thank you so much for the responses they've really made me feel a lot better. I've been laying around with my dogs and my boyfriend and that's helped too. I didn't tell him what happened though. I don't think I'm going to file a report.. I just don't think anyone will sympathize with a stripper who got too drunk at work and willingly got in a car with four guys. I feel so embarassed about it all. I also don't think I'll do a rape kit. I've heard they're extremely invasive and uncomfortable and I've decided to just leave last night in the past. I am just worried about finances because I don't have a lot of club options in my area and the club I've been working at I make the most money. I guess I will suck it up and work at another one for a few weeks and go back to the other club when I feel ready. I'm also embarassed to go back because I don't know how I acted when I got really drunk. I was definitely blacked out. I decided im never drinking at work ever again. I just wish last night didn't happen but I guess things could be worse and I'll have to deal with it.
Thank you again im so grateful for everyone on this forum. Your comments made me stop feeling so disgusted with myself. I also don't feel alone anymore. Thank you for the support.
Just something I'd like to point out, having had a rape kit done myself in the past: They're really not very invasive. They feel invasive to girls who are still shocked and traumatized, and you seem to be in a rational headspace at the moment.
The procedure is actually very similar to a PAP smear or pelvic STI screening if you report vaginal assault. They'll look your body and genitals over for any trauma, injury, or evidence and document/collect, usually photographing, whatever they find. They'll swab for any fluids or lubricants, as well as STIs, and take your blood for STI screening and drug screening if drugs/alcohol played a role. Whatever clothing you were wearing at the time of the attack will be collected as evidence.
During or after, (it was after for me because I specifically requested to not have any men present during my exam) you will usually speak with a detective and give your account. Some detectives may be dicks when they hear about your occupation, but they're usually either supportive or detached. Something that bugs me is that you'll get less skepticism if you're filing a report without naming names (like I assume you would be) rather than charges. However, it's possible that you might not speak directly with a detective at the time of the exam, and just fill out a report that will be given to the police.
At some point before, during, or after the exam, you'll either be offered or you can request counseling/support resources and emergency contraception is pregnancy is a concern.
Obviously, all of that can seem extremely invasive to a girl who's still reeling from the immediate shock but my experience was very professional, accommodating, and respectful. I'd even describe it as pleasant if the circumstances had been different.
If you made the call, or otherwise know the time you were picked up, the cab company will have a record and the address can be found.
Regardless, please speak with someone even if it is an over the phone counselor.
I have been where you are, and on this forum is the 1st time I have publicly mentioned my event.
I know you want to put it behind you, but these things have a way of lingering.
Just remember that you have trust and allies here any time you need them. If you need to talk, just post, or PM one of the responders.
Are you legally obligated to talk to the detective in most jurisdictions, and if so can you be penalized for not cooperating if you decline to name names? Just wondering if anyone has additional info. Thanks Naida!
As far as I'm aware, you aren't legally obligated in any jurisdiction to speak with detectives. Technically, you could be charged with obstruction of justice but there would have to actually be a crime reported for that to happen, and you can decline making a report altogether. If you don't want to name names, you can just say "I don't know his name." When I had my kit done, the detective was very reluctant to let it go when I said I knew my attacker's name but didn't want to name any names. I was there to collect evidence and file a report of an attack on myself (not a crime committed by someone else) so that I could have the option of filing charges at a later date.
Regardless of your decision about going to law enforcement, I would highly recommend you find a counseling service you can be comfortable with. Even though speaking with members of this forum may have some therapeutic effect for you, speaking with some one face to face is very beneficial. It does not need to long term or even more than once. Being able to speak about it with someone in confidence does help to work things out in your head. For lack of a better term, it lessens the effects of the demons in your head, believe me.