Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
So I moved away from home and across the country six years ago, five of which i have been a stripper. My parents have never known anything bad about me. Never knew during high school that i was smoking weed and drinking hella booze and having sex. And they probably have some straight-A image in their minds of me - still a very innocent perception.
They believe that I have been supporting myself with my fire dancing and circus performing at festivals when in reality I have been stripping in bumf**k nowhere and using my money to go to music festivals and party (and spin fire sometimes but i rarely get paid for it).
So the thing is I want to start posting pole fitness videos and modeling pictures of me on the internet that are sexy and maybe its kind of obvious i have been dancing at a strip club all these years. I am not ashamed of being a stripper and i have no problem with it, but i am afraid that they would just be outraged and try to "save" me and have an intervention or something. My mom is really catholic too which makes it even worse.
I wish i could just flat out tell them what i have been doing and explain it to them the way that i experience it .. as empowering and fun. A job that is flexible and allows me to travel whenever i want. A job that keeps me in shape. A job where i can hone my communication and sales skills. A job where i can be creative and express my sensuality.
I seriously doubt they are going to be able to see the positive aspects about being an exotic dancer. However it is really doing something terrible to my psyche living a secret double life where my family actually knows nothing about me and its starting to wear on me. I dont like being paranoid when the phone rings that maybe my dad is calling because he somehow found out or something.
Has anyone had any experience with coming out to their parents or family about dancing? What was the reaction? Do you feel better about it or wish that you never told them? Should i just continue to lie and just tell them i am into pole fitness and thats it? If anyone has any insights please let me know :-\
-Nova
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
First thing I want to know is, why so paranoid? Not in a 'fk your feelings' way … I mean, what reason would you have to think they may be suspicious?
Nxt: why so eager to broadcast it on the 'net? Nothing, & I mean NOTHING, stays 'private' once it's posted online.
That said, are they sm how 'in on' the pole scene, even tangentially? If not, & you don't post under your real name + do a bangup makeup job to fuzzy-up your recognisability (<---- is that a thing?) … then I would think you're pretty safe.
The problem w/ 'spilling' is that once it's out of your mouth, it's out of your control. You can't choose how others react or what they do w/ the info. A former vanilla boss of mine found out in a really snaky way & later told my family out of spite. Every guy that I have been w/, their families found out from them, AFTER I was promised that it would be kept quiet. In a way it's a relief bc I agree that we shouldn't *have* to hide/act ashamed … but it's still such a violation of privacy bc the choice to tell or not was taken out of my hands.
This is the other risk you run by airing your shit online -- even if the family doesn't find it, another person could recognise you (or just think they do) & bring it up to them. Don't kid yourself -- ppl don't post pics online when they want to keep smtg secret. They post pics bc they want attention. You can't have it both ways. If you want to remain 'in the closet' for the time being, keep the evidence to yourself.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Aniela
First thing I want to know is, why so paranoid? Not in a 'fk your feelings' way … I mean, what reason would you have to think they may be suspicious?
Nxt: why so eager to broadcast it on the 'net? Nothing, & I mean NOTHING, stays 'private' once it's posted online.
That said, are they sm how 'in on' the pole scene, even tangentially? If not, & you don't post under your real name + do a bangup makeup job to fuzzy-up your recognisability (<---- is that a thing?) … then I would think you're pretty safe.
The problem w/ 'spilling' is that once it's out of your mouth, it's out of your control. You can't choose how others react or what they do w/ the info. A former vanilla boss of mine found out in a really snaky way & later told my family out of spite. Every guy that I have been w/, their families found out from them, AFTER I was promised that it would be kept quiet. In a way it's a relief bc I agree that we shouldn't *have* to hide/act ashamed … but it's still such a violation of privacy bc the choice to tell or not was taken out of my hands.
This is the other risk you run by airing your shit online -- even if the family doesn't find it, another person could recognise you (or just think they do) & bring it up to them. Don't kid yourself -- ppl don't post pics online when they want to keep smtg secret. They post pics bc they want attention. You can't have it both ways. If you want to remain 'in the closet' for the time being, keep the evidence to yourself.
I teach pole dancing and aerial classes so i was thinking about using instagram to get new clients which would be the point of posting it online. However as far as my family goes, just seeing me on a pole might plant seeds of suspicion. It would be different if it was a boss or a job and not my family. Of course nobody would want anyone at their vanilla job to know about stripping. But its hard to feel like my family would find certain aspects of myself unlovable, parts that i feel are perfectly acceptable. I was wondering if anyone told their family about dancing before they "found out through the grapevine". Did anyone just flat out tell them "hey this is what i've been up to and I am not ashamed" and how did it go? Disaster? OR did it make you feel better that it wasn't a secret anymore? It would almost be a relief for me but i also don't want to shoot myself in the foot.....
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Novabynight
So the thing is I want to start posting pole fitness videos and modeling pictures of me on the internet that are sexy and maybe its kind of obvious i have been dancing at a strip club all these years.
I don't think that would make it obvious because everybody and their grandma is posting pole fitness videos and sexy modeling pictures and many of those people never stripped. Pole is mainstream by now and models posing sexy don't necessarily work in strip clubs, so there is no problem there I think.
I understand if you want to come out for other reasons but posting pole videos and sexy model pictures would not make it obvious as it's so common among non-strippers.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
I never told my family because it would have hurt them. I wasn't ashamed or anything like that, I was thinking of their feelings. I sacrificed my desire to be open about my sex work career second to my parents emotional well being. Maybe your parents are open minded and will take the news in stride. Then, by all means, let them in on your secret.
Even Charles Darwin waited until his wife died before he published his book, "The Origin of Species" because his wife was devoutly religious and he knew that if he published while she was still alive it would destroy her emotionally.
And just because you'll have photos online, doesn't mean your family will go looking for them or even find them. Just make sure you keep your sex work life and real life separate online. I've got at least 3 personas online and the only connection is the device I use to access those accounts.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Likethis
I don't think that would make it obvious because everybody and their grandma is posting pole fitness videos and sexy modeling pictures and many of those people never stripped. Pole is mainstream by now and models posing sexy don't necessarily work in strip clubs, so there is no problem there I think.
I understand if you want to come out for other reasons but posting pole videos and sexy model pictures would not make it obvious as it's so common among non-strippers.
This. In fact, I find most of the ladies who share sexy photoshoots, especially pole photos, vehemently deny being anything remotely related to a stripper or any association with strip clubs. You could very easily say that you took up pole because it's a fun fitness form, much like your fire dancing, and I'm sure your parents would believe you without any doubts.
As for your main question -- IMHO I wouldn't tell your folks. The only positive thing you have mentioned is assuaging your guilt/paranoia, but it seems like the potential negative repercussions are much worse than continuing to feel guilty about leading a double life. Your paranoia does seem a bit intense if you're legitimately worried with each phone call. You're on the other side of the country, so your parents have no idea what you're up to beyond what you tell them.
If your mom is really Catholic, I take it you were raised Catholic? If so, this is probably all residual Catholic guilt for doing something "bad." I went through that too but quickly got over it when a fellow dancer friend had her folks discover her dancing. The result was not pretty. I actually think Odette posted the story on here.
Do you hide your dancing from everyone in your life or just your parents/family? Just assuming here, but maybe if you were able to be more open to it with other people in your personal life, it would feel like less of a double life. Obviously choose carefully who you tell, and probably avoid telling anyone even tangentially close to your family life, but I've found that dancing feels more like "just a job" when I can talk about it like any other job with at least one or two people.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
I too faced this situation a year ago when I was living with my parents. I felt so guilty continually lying to them... However, I decided not to tell them. I had no idea how they would react, and it's true-- once it's out there, it's out there and it can't be taken back should they have a negative response. I vote no tell.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mm621
I too faced this situation a year ago when I was living with my parents. I felt so guilty continually lying to them... However, I decided not to tell them. I had no idea how they would react, and it's true-- once it's out there, it's out there and it can't be taken back should they have a negative response. I vote no tell.
I agree with this. The bottom line for me, when I'm debating whether or not I should tell someone (I mean, your job is a big part of your life!) I remember, I have never regretted *not* telling someone... EVER. Think about that.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
I told my mum because the lying was for me affecting our relationship and how close I felt to her; I think you need to really try and get in touch with your values and try to respond from there- the rest is just fluff IMO.
The answer will be different for everybody. BTW my mum is devout Christian.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
You could always tell them about a 'hypothetical' situation like you have a 'friend' who dances, or watched a documentary about strippers, etc and see how they respond and then decide if they'd be open enough for you to be forthcoming.
I totally get how you feel. Once everyone knows the truth about your career then nobody could discover your secret the hold it over your head.
Otherwise just keep it to yourself. People say they want the "truth" but in reality most the time they can't handle it.
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
I told my mom, mainly to piss her off. It worked. Of course, I did a lot of things to piss off my mom and every one of them worked to one degree or another. We do not have a healthy relationship. Didn't before I started stripping, and it's gone down hill since I retired.
Z
Re: Coming out to my family about dancing.... bad idea?
Eh , I never could !
I honestly don't think it would really surprise them ( or anyone who knows me very well ) though.
I just keep it discreet for the same reasons other mentioned ( I was worried about the worrying about me ect. )