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Feeling degraded and angry at work
So I've been dancing for a little over a year now. I like the financial freedom. I like the people I work with and I like my club itself. I don't think stripping is a degrading or demeaning thing to do. It's a job like any other job, and we provide a valuable service. I'm not ashamed of being a stripper. That's not what this is about.
But lately, I've been feeling very degraded anyway. This thing where I get up stage and fat, old, awful, disgusting, bad-breath, socially stupid losers get to judge my every flaw with that stupid judgy smirk on their stupid faces. Like I'm supposed to impress them enough that they'll consider throwing me a couple dollars. I'm supposed to compete with other beautiful women over their affection. It's driving me crazy. I feel physically sick about it. It makes me feel like a beggar.
I've taken some time off, because I know this sounds like burnout, but if it's burnout it's pretty deep because it hasn't shaken. I've gone from having monetary goals for my shifts to just hoping I can make it through my shifts without feeling like complete dogshit on my way home.
Has anyone gone through these feelings, and if so, how did you deal?
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
I took a break. Every time I feel that way, I'll take a week or so to recuperate because I won't make didley squat if they can smell my contempt.
Also, I lurk on here more because it's nice to know I'm not going through all this alone.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
I'm feeling it, too. I think part of the problem is the weather. It's been raining here in Portland for months without much in the way of a break in the weather. When I start feeling self conscious/ judged by my customers, it's nice to spend a day or weekend in nature. Even if it's just working in my own yard or spending time in a park with my dog, the time in nature gives me perspective and grounds me back to reality.
In the winter time, my world shrinks. I'm in my house, my car and the club. That is a tiny little fish bowl of a world. Even if I go out to the movies or other social activities, I'm still seeing a lot of the world through my windshield.
If you can afford to, I recommend taking a weekend trip someplace warm. If So. Cal or Phoenix AZ isn't an option, Central Oregon stays dry and sunny most of the year even if it isn't all that warm. It's amazing what a little nice weather will do for a person's attitude.
I hope you start feeling better soon. March is one of the toughest months in this part of the world. The fact that it's basically been raining non-stop since last October starts to really wear on people's attitudes by March. I was born in Portland, and it always seemed like I would break up with boyfriends or quit jobs in the month of March.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
Well stripping does in fact place you in an environment that is conducive to degradation and other negative feelings.
That's the downside. You're basically dancing for the general public (anyone who can afford a few bucks entry fee) and these random people can interact with you.
Perhaps you're allowing the douchebags to interact with you way longer than you should. Like walk away when it feels right to do so. Ignore the drama causing dancers. Cultivate some regulars so you can invite them when you're working and have 'guaranteed' money on your shifts. And i don't know what shifts you work but busy night shifts are easier to be selective in turning down douchey customers/patrons.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
I can relate- my last corporate club had mostly creepers and psychos coming in on my main shifts (days.)
What helped me is to mentally categorize the kinds of bad customers I was dealing with and learn from them. Now when I meet guys like this I know what to do to make sure they don't get "one up on me."
It's cold thinking but at the end of the day you have to remember some of these men are damaged & acting out of loneliness/misery. (Plus some are actually mentally ill & that's a whole other conversation.) Guys like that dump hostility & hatred at the strip club because they are so convinced of their world views. .....They feel like dancers will never understand "their hardships/suffering" or they feel like dancers deserve ridicule for whatever reason.
You might want to switch clubs if you feel the management allows customers to get away with abuse you find to be intolerable.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
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Originally Posted by
SnuffleUffleGrass
I can relate- my last corporate club had mostly creepers and psychos coming in on my main shifts (days.)
You might want to switch clubs if you feel the management allows customers to get away with abuse you find to be intolerable.
That's exactly what I was going to suggest. I've noticed in some corporate chains the customer is always right even if he is a complete emotionally abusive scumbag. Plus you have these mangers who see you as a number to be used and replaced so complaints fall of deaf ears. In other clubs especially Mom and Pop places, they take more care of the girls generally speaking so look for that kind of place.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
I totally get it! I was at a club for about 4 years and even though I did bank there before...I honestly left more in the negative than banked. The owner and managers were total scumbags and wanted soooo bad to be one of those "top" clubs. He didn't give a damn if ppl wasn't tipping is or disrespecting us bc he's still making money! I ended up taking a very long hiatus from there (well dancing period),I randomly went try another club and worked a few nights to end up loving it! I'm so much relaxed now and the environment is better. I have had bad nights here and there which is understandable. I would try another club.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
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Originally Posted by
Tourdefranzia
I'm feeling it, too. I think part of the problem is the weather. It's been raining here in Portland for months without much in the way of a break in the weather. When I start feeling self conscious/ judged by my customers, it's nice to spend a day or weekend in nature. Even if it's just working in my own yard or spending time in a park with my dog, the time in nature gives me perspective and grounds me back to reality.
In the winter time, my world shrinks. I'm in my house, my car and the club. That is a tiny little fish bowl of a world. Even if I go out to the movies or other social activities, I'm still seeing a lot of the world through my windshield.
If you can afford to, I recommend taking a weekend trip someplace warm. If So. Cal or Phoenix AZ isn't an option, Central Oregon stays dry and sunny most of the year even if it isn't all that warm. It's amazing what a little nice weather will do for a person's attitude.
I hope you start feeling better soon. March is one of the toughest months in this part of the world. The fact that it's basically been raining non-stop since last October starts to really wear on people's attitudes by March. I was born in Portland, and it always seemed like I would break up with boyfriends or quit jobs in the month of March.
Thank you--I think you nailed it. I've lived in Portland for a few years now, but I'm always surprised by my March blues. I'm going to try for a nature vacation in the next couple weeks.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
Change of perspective thoughts: I try to find the beauty in every customer I meet. I KNOW how cheesy that sounds. I'm the biggest cynic you'll ever find, so trust me when I say I'm not one of those bubbly, hyperpositive, love-the-universe people. But really. Everyone I meet at work is human and has human lives filled with human pain. The people who are in the most pain tend to be the ones who are standoffish, say rude things, and give off bad energy. Those are the people most in need of love and attention.
I also try to remember that physical qualities (the men you referenced who are not even in the same universe as the girls dancing) do NOT signify human value. Yes, we're the attractive ones, and it's weird to compete for the money of someone who's gross or socially awkward. But think of yourself as a businesswoman. If you were in the business of selling flowers, or scented soaps, would you be disgusted to sell your product to a homeless man, or someone with a disfigured face, or someone who walked into your shop, glanced at your product, and said "Whaddaya sellin' here?" You'd try to sell to him just as you'd try to sell to the gorgeous French woman coming in to buy herself an orchid, right? Because it doesn't matter. It's just a business.
Other thoughts: It also helps me to work in a club that's busy enough to make money for all of the girls working. And to work in a club where I'm comfortable with the contact (I personally could never work in a breast-touching club, no matter the dance price). When I feel like what I'm making is worth what I'm doing, I don't feel the way you described. When I worked in a dive where I was pulling teeth to make what I made and constantly swatting away hands for $20 dances in a dank, depressing club...I felt the way you described (I know this isn't your issue since you like your club - just mentioning it here in case it resonates with others). I also started to feel that way when I lost sight of what I wanted to do for my future. When I feel like dancing is all I have, I start to feel like I'm living in a cramped box.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
i'm actually going through it right now and have before many times, however for me this is the worse that its been because im pretty dependent on the job right now.
the truth is, even though there shouldnt be anything wrong with being a stripper .. people do not really respect us or the job and they are degrading to us. some even see us as products and not actual human beings, and sadly i dont see that ever changing. We will always have to deal with customers like that. who think they can touch us however, talk to us however, try and make us beg for their money or fight for their attention.
you know how i am dealing with it right now? I'm not. Now, if i go into work.. even though i need money i seriously act like i do not give a crap if i make anything or not.
like the other day this guy tried to ask me if i wanted to make a 1$. I told his ass, no i dont.. then i continued.. do you want a dollar? what would you do for a dollar eh ?
If i am touched inappropriately i tell them right away to stop and if they continue i quit dancing for them and try and fine them.
if a guy is trying to get me to fight for his attention i walk away. I dont care. I dont want or need your money after that.
I am putting my dignity before a dollar. If i leave the club oweing money i am completely fine with that as long as i didnt let some douche push me around.
Most of the time the guys are pretty shocked that i dont care about getting money off them, because they are used to women trying to get as much off of them as possible. so sometimes it ends in them chasing me and not the other way around.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
"Most of the time the guys are pretty shocked that i dont care about getting money off them, because they are used to women trying to get as much off of them as possible. so sometimes it ends in them chasing me and not the other way around."
"Other thoughts: It also helps me to work in a club that's busy enough to make money for all of the girls working"
Is there any way you can ignore the degrading customers? Move onto better customers, no point wasting your time. If you can sniff them out, stay 10 ft away. When losers expect me to do anything and everything for a couple of bucks, I say something along the lines of "aww thanks, now I can buy dinner at McDonalds!" Move onto bigger fish. One time I asked this asshole for a dance, and he literally laughed in my face and said no. I replied" HAHAHAHAHA! what's so funny? Really what's so funny?" He started mumbling then walked away. Know that many customers come to the club specifically to be mean to strippers. Don't pay those types any attention. Or like other people have suggested, just try a new club.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
I know what you mean, but I think you just need to hold your head high and remember you don't have to impress anybody. If a guy was being a dick at my rail, I walked away and told him to keep his money. I would turn down dances or VIPs if guys were rude or I got a bad vibe from them. I don't think anything puts an asshole in his place more than when he can't even pay a stripper to give him attention. I think once you get it in your head that you don't have to take every dollar, and YOU choose your customers just as much as they choose you, you'll feel more empowered.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
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Originally Posted by
wednesday86
I know what you mean, but I think you just need to hold your head high and remember you don't have to impress anybody. If a guy was being a dick at my rail, I walked away and told him to keep his money. I would turn down dances or VIPs if guys were rude or I got a bad vibe from them. I don't think anything puts an asshole in his place more than when he can't even pay a stripper to give him attention. I think once you get it in your head that you don't have to take every dollar, and YOU choose your customers just as much as they choose you, you'll feel more empowered.
THIS ALL DAY! Well said.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
Quote:
Originally Posted by
wednesday86
I know what you mean, but I think you just need to hold your head high and remember you don't have to impress anybody. If a guy was being a dick at my rail, I walked away and told him to keep his money. I would turn down dances or VIPs if guys were rude or I got a bad vibe from them. I don't think anything puts an asshole in his place more than when he can't even pay a stripper to give him attention. I think once you get it in your head that you don't have to take every dollar, and YOU choose your customers just as much as they choose you, you'll feel more empowered.
A million x yes
Preserving your sanity is more important than that $20 dance you had to squirm and grit your teeth through. I find that not drinking while at work helps me parse out who/what I'm really uncomfortable with. Most nights, I'd rather lose out on a little money and keep my sense of self.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
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Originally Posted by
juliette_
A million x yes
Preserving your sanity is more important than that $20 dance you had to squirm and grit your teeth through. I find that not drinking while at work helps me parse out who/what I'm really uncomfortable with. Most nights, I'd rather lose out on a little money and keep my sense of self.
Yes a stripper is a GODDESS not a slave ;) Sometimes you just have to help customers remember that.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
I think of it as "who cares what they think, if they're such winners then why are they here" because let's be honest, most guys who come to strip clubs (especially frequent regulars) come because they can't close to women otherwise. They should be the ones begging you and waving their money around. They should be impressing you and proving themselves worthy of your time by bringing out the wallet.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
i know this isn't much help, but i'm sure if you'd ask a guy working at apple or cheesecake factory they would tell you they feel similar. people are assholes. i know for us it's more extreme, especially being reduced to physical aspects.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
Be a cat. Make them earn what you've got, not the other way around.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
I'm also in Portland and I've noticed that the customers at my club have been exceptionally rude and degrading lately. I took a little time off and felt great when I came back, but I think I need some more time off already to be honest. I've been propositioned every night I've worked for the last month. I know that happens, but usually I'll get a little break - at least one or two shifts where things go smoothly. I've also been grabbed way more often than normal. Usually the customers in my club are fairly reasonable, but lately people just seem to expect so much for so little. I've been working on being more assertive and putting up with less bullshit because my time is fucking valuable and my sanity is priceless, but dealing with shitty customers every shift is so draining. Anyway, I feel you OP.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
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Originally Posted by
lollistar92
I'm also in Portland and I've noticed that the customers at my club have been exceptionally rude and degrading lately. I took a little time off and felt great when I came back, but I think I need some more time off already to be honest. I've been propositioned every night I've worked for the last month. I know that happens, but usually I'll get a little break - at least one or two shifts where things go smoothly. I've also been grabbed way more often than normal. Usually the customers in my club are fairly reasonable, but lately people just seem to expect so much for so little. I've been working on being more assertive and putting up with less bullshit because my time is fucking valuable and my sanity is priceless, but dealing with shitty customers every shift is so draining. Anyway, I feel you OP.
So It's not just my imagination then... also work in Portland and I've definatly been noticing this. I sold two lap dances to a guy who asked me if I "like to be taken", If I would "Follow him to his hotel", and then (while in an upright twerk with my legs resting on the couch, straddling him) during the dance he forcefully sat up resulting in me being thrown to the floor! Same night I had some guy grab my ass when I passed him and a number of other really shitty things. I don't remember it always being this bad. Typically my week nights are a little tamer, but lately every night is an asshole convention :/.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
Sorry girl. I just had a customer last night that wouldn't give me my money after I danced for him. I had to stand around for a song and wait for him to slowly put the money, dollar by dollar in my underwear trying to brush my vag. It's the first time I felt filthy. His desire to dominate me made me want to simultaneously punch him and hide under a blanket.
Most of the guys I dance for are great though. In fact, the fatter, the trollier- looking are often the most greatful and respectful to me.
I figure we live in this incredibly disconnected culture and we all desperately need attention and touch. I don't think these guys are judging you, I think they are enchanted. I doubt they notice your flaws, except for the 'pick up artists' who spend their time negging you to bring your confidence lower so you would CONSIDER dating them.
And in a fucked up way, I take that as a complement. When negged I think "wow, this loser wants me so badly, and we both know I'm out of his league."
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
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Originally Posted by
LilLadyLux
Sorry girl. I just had a customer last night that wouldn't give me my money after I danced for him. I had to stand around for a song and wait for him to slowly put the money, dollar by dollar in my underwear trying to brush my vag. It's the first time I felt filthy. His desire to dominate me made me want to simultaneously punch him and hide under a blanket.
Most of the guys I dance for are great though. In fact, the fatter, the trollier- looking are often the most greatful and respectful to me.
I figure we live in this incredibly disconnected culture and we all desperately need attention and touch. I don't think these guys are judging you, I think they are enchanted. I doubt they notice your flaws, except for the 'pick up artists' who spend their time negging you to bring your confidence lower so you would CONSIDER dating them.
And in a fucked up way, I take that as a complement. When negged I think "wow, this loser wants me so badly, and we both know I'm out of his league."
These are NOT compliments. Predators go to the clubs and launch their cowardly attacks.
Everyone dealing with the spike in aggressive behavior, please check out this thread and know you're NOT alone. This behavior is not about sex, it's about power. It's not coming from awkward child-like men but from calculating abusers.
https://www.stripperweb.com/forum/sh...ual-Harassment
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
It's about how you frame it I your own mind. Negging (backhanded compliments) are not sexual abuse. They are (sometimes) calculated, sad attempts at flirtation. I chose to see negging attempts as a compliment I the same way I take jealous shit-talkers as a compliment. People want to bring you down when your tearing it up above them.
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
Sometimes I have to remind myself that, even during some of the worst moments in dancing (like when you're dealing with one of those annoying guys who pays for dances by putting one dollar at a time in your thong), you have far more autonomy and power than most people in straight jobs. We have a security team to back us up (hopefully), and we can always walk away from customers.
By comparison, think of fast-food workers who have to put up with condescending comments from executives on their lunch breaks, or hotel maids who have to clean up after guests trash the rooms. Yeah, we have to put up with a certain level of obnoxiousness, and our jobs are far from easy, but...even during the most 'degrading' moments at work, I feel empowered. (I think every job involves degrading elements) And I'm making a helluva lot more money than most.
I know platitudes usually aren't helpful, but... :/
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Re: Feeling degraded and angry at work
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Originally Posted by
Optimist
These are NOT compliments. Predators go to the clubs and launch their cowardly attacks.
Everyone dealing with the spike in aggressive behavior, please check out this thread and know you're NOT alone. This behavior is not about sex, it's about power. It's not coming from awkward child-like men but from calculating abusers.
https://www.stripperweb.com/forum/sh...ual-Harassment
Quote:
Originally Posted by
LilLadyLux
It's about how you frame it I your own mind. Negging (backhanded compliments) are not sexual abuse. They are (sometimes) calculated, sad attempts at flirtation. I chose to see negging attempts as a compliment I the same way I take jealous shit-talkers as a compliment. People want to bring you down when your tearing it up above them.
I can see both sides of it. Yes they are fucking manipulators, consciously or not, who probably treat the women in their own lives like crap. And yes, they deserve to be called out for it. Do I actually feel sympathy for someone like that, no I can't say I do because although negging may not be sexual abuse, it can definitely be emotionally abusive. But personally I find giving these jerks "pity" to be the best response. Watching emotionally stupid people (who think they can play psychological warfare games) getting crazy upset because you "pity" them or find them "cute" is a warranted counter attack in my book.
And typically, this is how I feel right before I roast them, "Really, your gonna try and play psychological mind games with a woman... and a woman stripper at that... You're a fucking idiot." I approach it like this... Reply with an insult that sounds genuinely "sweet". Something like, "Are you trying to neg me right now! Awww! That's so cute! It's like being hit on by a kindergartner. Hahagigglegiggle" Watch his fucking head spin as he opens up his wallet to restore his manhood. Treat these assholes like children that don't know how to emotionally express themselves, cause that's exactly what the customers who try to pull this crap are.
Now if only I can learn to do this every time this happens. I feel like a lot of us, myself included, try to convince ourselves that we are 100% badass at all times and NEVER let a customer overstep the boundaries we've put in place. But the truth, at least for me, is that it's hard to constantly put assholes in their place. Especially on nights where it's wall-to-wall assholes the entire night. And, on nights like that, it seems impossible to make money without dealing with some of the pyschological or even physical bullshit. I guess the best solution is to not care about the money you "could be making" or the multiple dances/rooms you "could be up-selling". Have some money saved up to hold you over when you get an unexpected week or two of asshole customers. That way, if someone even thinks about treating you poorly, you can walk away without a care in the world over what they MIGHT have spent on you. You won't need their money and it will feel so much better having the upper hand.
Oh, and on a side note - Always get your money upfront. If you "trust" them to pay you after you finish the dance, then you give them the power to betray that trust or take advantage of your kindness. Goddesses don't perform miracles without first receiving a worthy sacrifice.... some good ol' hard cash.