Not to change the subject, but I want to go to a renaissance fair lol, that sounds like fun.
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Not to change the subject, but I want to go to a renaissance fair lol, that sounds like fun.
Im totally cracking up over this bonfire thing :D
Theres a guy who organizes a thing on the beach...I forget what its called he doesnt call it a bonfire, but hes very adiment about it that its not a drum circle.
Thing is, Im NOT a drumcircle kind of girl...and Ive seen videos...people dancing around while someone is beating drums and chanting over a fire, and people bring vegan and raw diet snacks. YUM! No offense to anyone here who is into that, but not my bag. I dont smoke pot though, maybe if I did Id be all..hell yeah! But..you just cant go to something like that sober.
What sucks is..he is so mighty fine...about 6'5' and a firey red head which is very rare around here and I just want to eat him alive everytime I see him. But I dont want to go to this not a drum circle, drum circle. UGH!!
I've been with my man for 15 months, been honest about escorting before our first date. He was cool with it. Hasn't seen any other girls since we have been together. Recently we are opening up our relationship because I feel like it's unfair to him, but he feels like that's unfair to me....lol...so I'll be going on dates too. I don't mind, I'm young and he's sexually adventurous. We do have plans of possibly getting married and having kids, but just having fun for now. I've never wanted to be in a long term monogamous marriage...sounds so boring. :p
Anyways I know multiple girls who have been sex workers and in serious relationships. Just own it! You have to. For me it's a bit different, I'm an escort but all my friends know, my boyfriend knows, and my parents know.
I just ended my 2 and a half year relationship last month. When I met him, I was feeling lonely and burnt out. I guess you could say that I was feeling vulnerable. Even though I was always out somewhere and meeting different people, I still felt the most lonely that I ever had in my life. I knew that these people were not my real friends, and that I could never call them if I needed anything, and that if I ever saw pretty much any one of them in public, that I would have to look the other way and pretend that I didnt know them. I am pretty tough and have always been kind of a loner, but surprisingly, I was kinda bummed out.
Anyways, one late night(early am), I was laying in bed after I had gotten home from a busy night of calls. I got a text and a pic from a guy that caught my eye(no guy had EVER peaked my interest in this way before, and still hasnt) Long story short, we chatted a bit, after a few days I went to meet him, we became inseperable, and next thing you know, he was living with me. At first, I was amazed that I had found a guy who I could tell everything to(or so i thought), who didnt judge, and who seemed like my best friend AND the love of my life. Oh, but I did forget to mention, that there were MANY red flags, which I decided to ignore. But, I thought, people make mistakes, and we are still learning.
Well, after the honeymoon phase, which only lasted about 2 months, he began to steal from me, constantly cheated on me bc he felt like "I was cheating on him", despite the fact that we had agreed that it was just a job and there is a difference between for fun and for making a living, and even outed me to my mom and sister. He also got into my phone and contacted clients of mine and threatened them, showed up at a few of my calls and scared the shit out of them(which lost me a lot of business) and even has stolen my car. Also, I had never been kicked out of ANYWHERE before I met him. But now, I have been kicked out of numerous hotels since I have met him, or in some cases been afraid to go back bc he did something stupid, like stole all the pillows off the bed. I lost friendships, too. And of course, he constantly called me whore, prostitute, slut, gag doll(yes, gag doll. so creative), among many other things. He manipulated me, using the escorting thing to try and make me feel bad, so that he could get what he wanted or cheat on me. I even lost my job that I had been at for 10 years. I finally got the courage to leave him a month ago, and have remained strong since. I am actually still hiding from him in a different city now, still. Because he is still looking for me and calling and texting every day now. I know that not every guy is bad and that this one is definitely, as my best friend put it, the worst person that I have ever met, not only dated, but MET. But that is my experience with having a boyftiend while escorting. Surprisingly, I havent let this experience ruin my idea of finding love. Just dont ignore the red flags! Dont let your loneliness make you vulnerable to abuse, like I did!
I currently have a boyfriend who knows I escort and is very good about it. Is he over the moon? No. But we've had many discussions about it and he admits that 1) his discomfort is a "him" thing that he needs to learn to deal with, 2) he doesn't judge me for it, and 3) he understands that it is a job and me having sex with others for money is not an invitation for either of us to fool around outside the relationship.
I won't lie, especially since I've posted about it in other threads, but our relationship in terms of long-term compatibility isn't stellar. But that doesn't have to do with escorting. The issues that crop up more often are him being upset about my vanilla job hours and the friendships I still have with people in my personal life who I have a history with. And my issues come from me feeling like the picture-perfect monogamous life is not what I was cut-out for. But in terms of him being, on paper, a perfect boyfriend, even when it comes to escorting, I can't bash him at all. He treats me like a queen, is extremely generous even though I make far more than him, admits his own faults and misinformation when it comes to the sex industry, and is very open with communication and would rather ask me a question than stew in his own uncertainty which is good when it comes to learning and getting out of his own misconceptions in his head. I actually dug up articles and videos about the sex industry and some specifically about dating someone in the sex industry for him to peruse so he could get more informed by sources that I knew would be good representations rather than falling down some dark internet of hole of googling "dating an escort." I called it the "How to Date a Sex Worker Starter Kit" :P
I will say though that the dealing with the escorting thing: it wasn't one conversation. It was, and continues to be, many. Sometimes it gets exhausting. I know that I can't blame him for not just inherently having the deep inner-knowledge of the industry, job, and people that I've accumulated over years of experience, but I will admit that it gets tiring at times. Unless you're dating someone who already knows about the adult industry or this is an open arrangement with little room for discomfort around the topic, there will be a lot of talking. And unless you're really invested in that person and the relationship, it can bring a heap of heavy stuff to a situation that you weren't wanting to deal with. I know there's been threads on here where ladies ask at what point should you tell a guy you're dating about escorting and damn-near allll the blues were like "It's unfair not to tell them right away!" But even if a guy is open to dating a sex worker and discussing it further, you have to be invested enough in them to have those conversations.
Before my current SO, I was dating a string of guys over the summer and beginning of fall for a couple weeks/months at a time. I never told any of them or took things further. Within the first few weeks, they all made some sort of comment that made it clear that they would not be ok with dating a sex worker - whether that be something generally misogynistic, a derogatory comment about some other friend's open relationship and how they wouldn't be ok kissing someone who just sucked someone else's dick, or a whorephobic comment when I bring up the women's shelter and how sex workers are scared to get help when something happens because of what they do. I make it fairly easy within the first few weeks to get on topics of conversation that will reveal something as to whether or not they would ever consider dating someone in the adult industry, let alone a full-service escort. When it was clear that wasn't gonna happen, I drifted out of their lives, eventually cutting things off entirely and they were never the wiser. Oh well.
I made the mistake in my first few months of escorting (over 3 years ago) where I would date someone for a few weeks/couple months, and if I even thought there was a possibility that we could hang out further, I would drop the bomb on them. This led to a lot of awkward situations with the guy saying "Oh yeah, I'm cool with that" and then dropping off the face of the planet about 2 weeks later. If I'd been being real with myself, they weren't guys that seemed open to dating a sex worker anyway (not that they were bad guys, but just not cut out for it), and I had brought up the subject before we were even talking about being anything serious. I'm sure suddenly having to decide if they were going to deal with this super heavy topic in order to even start thinking about being serious or to run away right then and there made the choice very easy for them lol I don't blame them. I think in the beginning I was just desperate to prove that someone would "love me anyway." I've since made peace with my job and myself and what I deserve in a man/relationship regardless. And I got it! If it doesn't work out, trust me, it won't be because of my escorting. It will be because I'm a restless, selfish, wild lady who prioritizes moving, my vanilla job, school, and entrepreneurial ventures more than being in a "buy a house and settle down" normal-as-fuck relationship.
My bottom line advice is:
Yes, it's possible, but it takes commitment - even on your end - to have the heavy conversations and navigate through the sea of guys, looking for someone who fits all the good boyfriend criteria and is open to the commitment it takes to date a sex worker too. You have to be 100% confident with yourself and with being single first before you can think of going out there and weeding through guys who aren't going to be good fits, one way or the other. If you just want company right now, I agree with just dating around casually. Don't try to rush into a relationship that is going to require the effort of navigating the adult industry. Be willing to walk away from someone if they 1) are clearly not comfortable dating a sex worker or 2) even if they are "ok" with dating a sex worker, don't meet your other criteria for a bangin' relationship. You deserve both. Know someone long enough to know that you're ok with working through the difficult and honest conversations with them - that's not going to happen right away. Time takes time. I had been good friends with my current boyfriend for years before we started dating and I revealed my escorting to him. I didn't tell him until we were seriously talking about taking things further, even though I knew he wouldn't have judged me for it back when we were just friends either. If you're just feeling lonely, it's not good to try to force yourself into something serious. Just go out and have fun with multiple people. You can have flirty and romantic fun without having to reveal what you do for money during some hours of the day. Save the effort for if someone happens to come along that you consider worth it.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wanted to write and let you know that you are not alone. I know many SWs that have been in similar situationships. Thank you so much for sharing.
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I also wanted to caution against some of the advice given here. While we all have our own unique experiences, I highly advise against "dropping the bomb" on ANY man. Everyone is different and you do not know how the guy will react. I made this mistake with one of my EX boyfriends and boy was I sorry. Some people have serious hangups when it comes to trading sex for money. Think twice. If you're going to tell anyone that you're an escort, you're better off telling him before things get serious. Personally, knowing what I know today, I would take it to my grave. That's why I rather have an SD, work and stay single until I'm done with this realm. The last thing you want is someone having damaging information on you. So many have gotten burned this way.
Also If everyone in your life knows that you're an sex worker, that's wonderful. I personally don't want that for myself so I have to find other ways to do this thing and do it safely.
When I talked about "dropping the bomb" above, you're right - it didn't go well. I hope the point of that story that came across was NOT to do it to someone. But in regards to having someone have damaging information on you, I do disagree with the notion that it's better to try to have the conversation right off the bat rather than when you know someone better. There are certainly shades of "seriousness" between hanging out and "seeing someone" and committing to something full-on and then telling them "Oh yeah, I'm an escort." By the time any sort of serious conversation would be happening, I would hope that I know someone enough to trust them with the information even if they decide not to go through with dating a sex worker, or I know them well enough to think it wouldn't be a good idea to tell them or date them. I do not enter into even semi-serious discussions about possibly dating further unless I've known someone for a good while and really trust them. Which includes those conversations that could give an insight into misogynistic/whorephobic/generally uncomfortable with "sharing" a woman thoughts and comments. Could you still get burned even in that scenario? Sure, but your odds are probably better than "dropping the bomb" on someone who you don't know that well yet - which is why I cautioned against doing it.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your ex. I completely understand the mindset of just not dating until you're out of the adult industry. I've definitely thought that would be my MO at points in time. My advice was geared toward if you don't want to forgo dating or relationships in the meantime. Not everyone does. I guess we can disagree with "when is the right time to tell." That's been a topic of discussion in a LOT of threads on SW over the years. But I'd hate to think that anyone feels the need to caution against my advice about dropping huge bombs on dudes as though I'm suggesting it willy-nilly. That's what old, stupid me did. Not what I was currently suggesting. Which is also why I tried to stress so hard the concept of being ok enough with being single to potentially go through a lot of time with a lot of dudes, having the conversations that are going to weed out a lot, a lot of guys that are not going to take that information well. While I do think that dating while in the industry is do-able, I'm not naively optimistic, so it's definitely not something I suggest taking lightly and pushing quickly out of pure loneliness.
Actually, tiffany, to be fair, I read through so much of the thread that I forgot your original questioning - I kinda just went off into my own tangent, which may have answered all the questions, but certainly rambled more than I intended lol I'm sorry if that wasn't really what you were looking for. I have to leave for work soon, but the short of it is:
-We're monogamous (aside from the job, obviously), and I completely trust him to not use my job as an excuse to sleep with others in his personal life.
-We met through a mutual friend years ago - were good friends for quite awhile before dating
-How he feels about it: he's not thrilled, but he realizes that's his hangup and not something wrong with me. He's still learning a lot about the adult industry world since he's a very open-minded, but vanilla, person. Do I care? Ehhh... I mean, I don't seek to make him purposely uncomfortable, but if he says he's gonna deal with it, then he needs to deal with it. I just do my own thing and if it makes him uncomfortable, we talk about it.
-Dealing with it: talking about it, sometimes extensively. It can get tiring, but I understand the importance and appreciate the effort he's willing to put in to understanding things and working through them.
-How serious we are: I mean, as serious as we would be even if I wasn't escorting. He's super committed, but I'm feeling kinda 'meh' - not because of the escorting, but because I don't think our general outlook on the future is compatible in terms of vanilla aspirations.
I hope that summed some things up that were more what you were actually asking. It was unfair of me to make assumptions about what you were and were not planning on doing regardless of my overly-extensive input lol I get long-winded. I suppose only you know where you are mentally and emotionally in terms of dealing with dating while escorting in whatever way seems safest and sane to you. I hope things go well for you.
I think you misread what she meant, then you proved her point. She mentioned that the man you want to attract won't sign up for hooking.
You just admitted that you indeed did hang up your hooker heels when you got your BF. Body rubs don't involve sexual intercourse.
IMHO it's clear that you quit escorting because you're in a relationship and your BF wasn't comfortable with it, though you still have your foot in SW, you're not an actual escort.
I'm not saying escorting and serious relationships can't work out, but I still don't see very many healthy relationships where both sides are happy with the arrangement. Though several ladies here say they're in relationships, each and every post has a 'but' pertaining to their bf/spouse not being totally on board with it. To me if it's being discussed a lot, they're not really comfortable with it.
I know other SW thrive in relationships, but this tends to be a very small number. It really does seem that unless the spouse believes in SW rights or is sexually liberated, he's really not okay with it deep down. This basically just prove's fbsm's point that top tier men aren't really checking for women in SW. And that it seems that it's best to date/marry when you're out.
I personally tried myself. Guys either got weird after they were cool with it, wanted me to quit, or were really sexually pushy with me. My ex despised it but made fucked up compromises so that he could do drugs, etc. I really only got back into it so I could save up and leave him as he was the main breadwinner (military).
I'm not saying SW and dating/marriage doesn't work, but we'd all be lying if it's often not the biggest relationship killer. But then again, MONEY is often the biggest in other failed relationships.
Right now, I just wanna make my money, retire when it's time, and date later. Who has time for fragile male egos? I'm not opposing those of you who do but I'm seeing a lot of compromising(feeling guilt enough to suggest open relationships) and spouses who are obviously not okay with what you guys do for work. It's clear men are very possessive when it comes to 'their' women and don't want to share on any level. Funny because they're the biggest hypocrites and cheaters but I rest my case.
^Pretty much. You get it.