Grieving the loss of a family member
My dad died yesterday on Valentines Day and it was the most heartbreaking thing for me and for my family. I am beyond devestated....I have no energy, no appetite, and tremendous feelings of guilt and sadness. The thing that makes me most sad...I did not see him the last day he was alive. I saw him 5 days before and it was a nice visit. My dad and I did not have the easiest relationship when I was growing up and a lot of times I resented him and kind of kept my distance...I'm very sensitive and he was brought up very differently so he was kind of rough around the edges. But he also had the biggest heart and when we were close we were inseparable and I loved him more than anything in the world. He had a way of talking to me and reaching out to me like no other. He shaped me into the woman I am today.
The last few visits I had with him were nice, we talked and he seemed happy. I recall kissing the back of his head when he was on the couch. The thing I feel guilty about is that I dont remember much of our last visit, just that it was nice. I dont remember his last words to me or my last words to him (it may have been bye dad I love you good night). And I am very independent and have my own life but I did not see him all that much. And because he was always working and busy, and not much of a small talker, I never called him. I never really called my parents much to talk, just to check in with him. And now I wish I would have done that more. I wish I didnt waste my time dwelling over mistakes he made so I could instead focus on his amazing qualities and enjoy them. I wish I could have spent more time with him and told him just how much I loved him and how grateful I was for him. And I'm sorry for ever hurting him. I wear my heart on my sleeve for strangers and people who I'm not super close with, but I wish I could have been more like that with my dad. I know he loved me and I told him I loved him and was good to him, but I almost loved him at kind of a distance. This will be my biggest regret forever. I'm thinking of all my past mistakes and feeling guilty about not being better to my family. But my surviving family and I are getting through this together and are being very supportive and loving.
I apologize for how long this post was but I just had to get this off my chest bc its eating away at me. Has anyone ever felt like this after losing a family member?? How did you deal with it? You ladies have always been so supportive whenever I've had issues and I appreciate your insights!
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
Oh and I forgot to mention...he died suddenly at home. He had a stroke and fell and hit his head. My sister called the ambulance and he was rushed to the hospital but did not survive. I got to see him the night before he died at the hospital and hold his hand and talk to him. He was unconscious but still alive. And I'd like to add to everyone....make the most of each day with your loved ones! Don't dwell over mistakes they have made either because if they have ANY good in them whatsoever, enjoy their good qualities and forgive them! Show them your love everyday because you truly dont know what youve got until its gone!!
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
I still miss my father. It doesn't go away but you can bear it over time. Parents and kids have a lot of tension between them sometimes but standing outside the relationship I see how much dads love their kids. What you wrote above shows you loved him and that would make him proud.
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
I'm so sorry, hun. At least you got to see him in the hospital, and I'm sure he was grateful for that. I understand you have some regrets, but please don't let them eat you alive. Noone knows when something might happen to someone they love. Also, it's very common for adults to keep their distance from their parents. So, try to let go of regretting not spending enough time with him. I know that's easier said than done.
Again, I'm really sorry. May peace be with you and your family.
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
Very sorry. I just observed the fifth anniversary of my Mother's death. I didn't handle it so well. The only advice I can give is to do the opposite of what I did. Talk to someone- don't keep your feelings bottled up. Take care of yourself.
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is always the hardest.
My mother died 6 months ago; tomorrow is her birthday. This year has been very hard because of it. I cried for 3 days straight, I still have moments and entire days I break down.
My complete condolences, I completely understand how you feel. Nothing will help but time and healthy grieving.
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I've said this before, but it's not a cut and paste thing, I really believe it. Allow yourself to grieve as long as you need to. Cry, yell, get angry, hit your pillows, curse and cry some more. Find yourself a good support system like family or friends. Our little community here is a great support system. The sadness never goes away, but it gets easier to deal with as time goes on. Hugs
Re: Grieving the loss of a family member
I'm sorry about your loss. I understand completely. I have lost both of my parents and your story is almost creepy similar to my situation with both of my parents. When my mom died I was only 17 and I had not seen her for 3 days before she died. I chose staying to party with friends and the next morning my brother in law came to pick me up and rushed me out of the friends place I decided to go to and told me when we were half a mile away from the hospital that my mom died. Like you, I Don't remember the last things that were said when I had seen her 3 days before. I do know that I was a bratty teenager and I still live with the guilt that I acted like a spoiled brat the last time I saw her and wasn't nice. I don't know if its my anxiety that makes me think I wasn't nice to her and she suffered more when she died cause of it or if I really was an asshole. I just didn't see it coming that she could pass away so quick. I still think about it and regret it a lot and its been 17 years almost, so I don't think that part is something I will ever get over. The initial grieving was much better after 6 months though.
My dad died in 2010, And I hadn't seen him for almost 2 years before he died. I had left to move to Guam. Again, like you I would call every now and then to check on him but it never occurred to me that he would pass away so sudden like he did. It really sucks to go through and its a hard thing to live with. Maybe try some therapy for your situation? I've thought about it myself because I believe a lot of my anxiety stems from this happening to me. If you don't decide on therapy then make sure you have a good support systemto talk if you need it atleast.