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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
miss.a.p1600
See this is what I mean....like what if you don't discover till after youre married that living with them all up in your space 24/7 is just ...... what if you need space but like your spouse wants to always be with you? Or what if they are messy af and it's unattractive?
Exactly! This definitely happens.
And as Jack said, marriage really only benefits the person with less money and power in the relationship. If you think of yourself as being in a relationship with equal money and power, or if you're the one who has slightly more power and / or money, then you're likely to either experience no benefits, or end up feeling trapped.
People are their best selves while dating, not while married, so I'd say anyone who is already on questionable ground with someone they're dating when it comes to compatibility and connection would most likely experience the reality of marriage (post-wedding / honeymoon phase) as stifling.
Resentment and contempt also have a way of worming their way into many marriages, so I'd say that anyone who experiences even mild contempt in the dating stages probably shouldn't be looking at marriage with that person.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
I enjoyed being married, and I might be a bit messy in my room, but I always make sure the Kitchen and Living Room are clean (Or as clean as I can get them, Animals be damned). I was crushed when my wife passed on. But me and Kaytlyn are still chugging along.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
charlie61
Exactly! This definitely happens.
And as Jack said, marriage really only benefits the person with less money and power in the relationship. If you think of yourself as being in a relationship with equal money and power, or if you're the one who has slightly more power and / or money, then you're likely to either experience no benefits, or end up feeling trapped.
In terms of divorce, you would expect the spouse who was earning less money to come out better, but nothing is guaranteed. Unless you have a valid prenuptial agreement, getting divorced can be a roll of the dice. A lot depends on how good your lawyer is, as well as what the judge thinks.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
eagle2
In terms of divorce, you would expect the spouse who was earning less money to come out better, but nothing is guaranteed. Unless you have a valid prenuptial agreement, getting divorced can be a roll of the dice. A lot depends on how good your lawyer is, as well as what the judge thinks.
Right! Plus the torture of living with someone who feels trapped by being with you. Even if things turn out okay, you're potentially losing years of your life to living in a tense situation. Not worth it..
Some marriages really do work out, and some long-term relationships work out, too. But if you're still in the dating stages, and you're feeling iffy about the relationship, or you're hoping that marriage or children will solve something that isn't going well in the relationship, then that's not a good sign.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
miss.a.p1600
I don't understand why a lot of formerly married men come out as damaged goods after they marry then divorce.
Not all, but generally speaking, divorced people don’t go to therapy and do “the work” to heal.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Quote:
Originally Posted by
eagle2
In terms of divorce, you would expect the spouse who was earning less money to come out better, but nothing is guaranteed. Unless you have a valid prenuptial agreement, getting divorced can be a roll of the dice. A lot depends on how good your lawyer is, as well as what the judge thinks.
Very true.
As mentioned above people are their best selves when dating but you can sometimes see the worst in people during a divorce. Unskilled lawyers can cost you what you’re reasonably entitled to, biased judges can side with the “enemy”, n Unsavory people know how to evade laws n they won’t be forced to do something the law tells them to do whether it’s split coins or take care of their obligations
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
moneybags
Not all, but generally speaking, divorced people don’t go to therapy and do “the work” to heal.
And money wise? I suppose emotional health is also tied to financial health?
But I guess I’m confused how a lot of men seem financially ravaged after divorce. Like if they were spending on their wives and paying for the household (which is a certain percent out if their income already) why do they act like the life is sucked out if them when they divorce and split some coins (since they were splitting coins already when married right?)
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
moneybags
Not all, but generally speaking, divorced people don’t go to therapy and do “the work” to heal.
I think it could be court-ordered during a divorce process
but then again how effective would therapy be if you’re being “forced” to go?
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Agreed. If they are struggling with this it's a red flag that they were not taking great care of former partner.
^ That's IF she agreed to not earning herself and depending on him ( which is never a good idea in my opinion other than first 2-3 years of a childs life ).
Quote:
Originally Posted by
miss.a.p1600
And money wise? I suppose emotional health is also tied to financial health?
But I guess I’m confused how a lot of men seem financially ravaged after divorce. Like if they were spending on their wives and paying for the household (which is a certain percent out if their income already) why do they act like the life is sucked out if them when they divorce and split some coins (since they were splitting coins already when married right?)
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
miss.a.p1600
And money wise? I suppose emotional health is also tied to financial health?
Yeah, I would agree with that. Emotions are fine, we need them, but we need FOOD too, and a roof!. So...
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Quote:
Originally Posted by
miss.a.p1600
But I guess I’m confused how a lot of men seem financially ravaged after divorce. Like if they were spending on their wives and paying for the household (which is a certain percent out if their income already) why do they act like the life is sucked out if them when they divorce and split some coins (since they were splitting coins already when married right?)
It's really just math. When a divorce occurs, the same amount of income is supporting two households instead of one, including two mortgage/rent payments, duplicate utilities, maintenance, etc. Also two separate car and homeowner's insurance policies (including loss of bulk pricing), loss of economies of scale from bulk grocery shopping and other things I could probably think of with a bit more effort.
In a solid majority of these marriages, the husband is making more than the wife. So when the divorce occurs, the husband has to pony up (sometimes a lot) to help with the new household expenses via court ordered child support and alimony payments.
Now I'm not saying that any of this is wrong, especially when there are kids involved. I'm merely pointing out that divorce is economically harmful for everyone involved as there are more bills drawing from the same bucket.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
^so this is IF a guy is a high earner, stay at home wife .... where alimony is required. But isn’t that only like a year or short period if time. Men are not paying to sustain their ex wife’s indefinitely unless they have some shitty lawyer
Child support is pretty much standard in any end of relationship with kids. And it’s only a small percent of their income
But perhaps you have a good point which is why many high value women refuse to date divorced men and/or men with kids.....unless they can bounce back emotionally n financially from their exes, etc.
And my next question (you mention about 1 household supporting 1 family under 1 roof vs 2) is do you think people are marrying for economic reasons? And how can this be beneficial?
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Quote:
Originally Posted by
miss.a.p1600
^so this is IF a guy is a high earner, stay at home wife .... where alimony is required. But isn’t that only like a year or short period if time. Men are not paying to sustain their ex wife’s indefinitely unless they have some shitty lawyer
Child support is pretty much standard in any end of relationship with kids. And it’s only a small percent of their income
But perhaps you have a good point which is why many high value women refuse to date divorced men and/or men with kids.....unless they can bounce back emotionally n financially from their exes, etc.
And my next question (you mention about 1 household supporting 1 family under 1 roof vs 2) is do you think people are marrying for economic reasons? And how can this be beneficial?
Well, it doesn't have to be as drastic as a high earner/stay at home wife. If the differential is significant enough and they were married for a long time, alimony can go on potentially for years.
I'd also add that child support can be significant and comes out of GROSS income, not net. So if a guy is shelling out 25% of his pre-tax income in child support (which is not uncommon with multiple kids) it can be a much higher % of his take home pay. Then add any other court ordered payments, like alimony, and he could easily see his take home pay cut by 35-40% or more.
As far as marriage for economic reasons, idk. I don't think most marriages happen purely for economic reasons, but I suspect that economics play a role in some people's desire to get/stay married. If I had to peg one factor as the biggest, IMHO kids are the driving factor behind many marriages and that involves a lot of different things - economic stability to bear the costs, two parents to care for them and, for some, a cultural desire to raise them in an intact home.
Anyway, just my :twocents: fwiw.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
You hear people say they don't believe in marriage and they will never marry, but, then they pair with someone and they live together. Just because you don't call it 'marriage' and don't make it official, doesn't mean you can avoid all the drama of living with someone and sharing space, income and property. If you do not believe in marriage, then, avoid also cohabitation and avoid sharing any income and assets.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
jack0177057
If you do not believe in marriage, then, avoid also cohabitation and avoid sharing any income and assets.
Lived with an ex for a little over 4 years and the comparison between living together in a marriage vs relationship (Personally speaking) is night and day for me.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Like I said, I enjoyed being married. It's nice to have a partner to be able to talk to. Explain things to, and ask questions of. I miss it terribly. But you must remember that it's not just you, you need to do the same for Her/Him. Really it's just up to the individual. There are pros and cons, same as everything else.
You sneak up behind your wife, take her into your arms and kiss her, the way she looks at you makes it all worthwhile. I'm sure Women have a different experience, but that's mine.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
My last relationship lasted around 11 years, and i don't have any regrets. He was my best friend. I don't think getting married did anything for us, however. Would've been best to have left it as an LTR.
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Originally Posted by
BambiCutie
Lived with an ex for a little over 4 years and the comparison between living together in a marriage vs relationship (Personally speaking) is night and day for me.
Agreed, and this is why I'm confused by a lot of the commentary in this thread. I thought we were discussing the pros and cons of involving the law in your relationship, not the pros and cons of LTRs.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BambiCutie
Lived with an ex for a little over 4 years and the comparison between living together in a marriage vs relationship (Personally speaking) is night and day for me.
Maybe for you, but, the people I know that live together for many years are virtually the same as married people. Same fights over leaving the toilet seat up, one of them being too messy, one person thinks the other is not pulling their weight with household chores or contributions to expenses, one person wants to buy a very expensive entertainment system, but, the other would rather invest more on nice furniture, etc.
What really makes the difference is children. Once you have kids, whether married or not, the whole dynamic changes and you have to try harder to stay in the relationship for the benefit of the kids.
Assuming there are no kids involved, a married person can leave the relationship any time. A certificate that says you are married does not make you anyone's property or slave. If you are unhappy in a relationship, you get up and leave - whether you are married or not.
I'm curious - when you lived together with your ex, how did you determine who pays for what and who keeps what in the event of separation? Did you buy big items (furniture, TV, etc.) together or separate? Where expenses shared 50/50 or according to ability to pay (i.e., based on income comparisons)?
Did you rent or buy a home? If you bought a home: a) Whose name was it in? b) Who paid the mortgage? c) Who kept the home? d) Did the other person get anything back for their contribution to the mortgage?
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jack0177057
Maybe for you, but, the people I know that live together for many years are virtually the same as married people. Same fights over leaving the toilet seat up, one of them being too messy, one person thinks the other is not pulling their weight with household chores or contributions to expenses, if the guy spends too much time with his friends or on video games, the gal feels neglected, etc.
What really makes the difference is children. Once you have kids, whether married or not, the whole dynamic changes and you have to try harder to stay in the relationship for the benefit of the kids.
Assuming there are no kids involved, a married person can leave the relationship any time. A certificate that says you are married does not make you anyone's property or slave. If you are unhappy in a relationship, you get up and leave - whether you are married or not.
I'm curious - when you lived together with your ex, how did you determine who pays for what and who keeps what in the event of separation? Did you buy big items (furniture, TV, etc.) together or separate? Where expenses shared 50/50 or according to ability to pay (i.e., based on income comparisons)?
Did you rent or buy a home? If you bought a home: a) Whose name was it in? b) Who paid the mortgage? c) Who kept the home? d) Did the other person get anything back for their contribution to the mortgage?
yes you can get divorced And not have issues at all... e.g me , I own lots of property I am prob worth over a million on paper but my ex husband agreed to take nothing cos he’s a good bloke. I trusted him when I married him and to this day I trust him so if you do get married ask yourself do I 100% trust this person, if you have a lot to lose I don’t know but I had lots more than him when I married him but he never took a penny . It depends on your relationship, by the way we are still very good friends x just editing this we didn’t have kids x what I’m trying to say is love is a heart thing it’s not about who has what, I loved my ex and I gave it my all and he loved me just didn’t work but just because doesn’t mean it’s always a business transaction I think that’s a gross way of looking at it, I say go with your heart I did x
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
Side note, one of the keys to LTR bliss/success is having separate bathrooms. If you can afford that living situation, I 100% recommend!!
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
charlie61
Side note, one of the keys to LTR bliss/success is having separate bathrooms. If you can afford that living situation, I 100% recommend!!
Agreed and possibly a house next door too
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
Angela888
Agreed and possibly a house next door too ����
Lol! Bathrooms can cause so many minor squabbles, or even if you don't vocalize any issues, can cause you to live with minor resentments/ disgust. If you have separate bathrooms, there are no discussions about schedules (to get ready / shower), cleaning habits (who has to clean and with what frequency), etc. It's honestly such a luxury. My current partner and i have been together for nearly four years, cohabitating for about three, and we've always had separate bathrooms. I couldn't go back to sharing!!
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
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Originally Posted by
Angela888
Agreed and possibly a house next door too ����
This is exactly my point. Why even live together if you think marriage is a bad idea? A better option, if you want to be close to your SO, would be to buy houses next to each other or flats or apartments next to each other. The messy person in the relationship can be messy without any nagging from the clean person and the clean person in the relationship can maintain a spotless home. If the lady is very posh and the guy is a hoarder who collects old sports memorabilia and other junk, they can both be happy.
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Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage
^ requires a lot of money and isn't ideal for other reasons, for a lot of folks (i certainly wouldn't want that). Might work for some couples, but certainly not all.